HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Hobbitwife - how do I feel? Good question. Mixed I suppose.

If he was living the life of Riley with OW I would be feeling more miserable than I am. Really doesn't look like they're in a relationship now and he said yesterday that he'd idealised her.

I don't get any real pleasure from his obvious suffering. On the other hand I do think he has brought it on himself and he had little, if any, compassion for me when he could see I was really suffering while he was lying, cheating, gas lighting etc. So I suggested he saw his counsellor again but didn't go any further. He's a real wallower and I'm sure he'd be quite happy to indulge in long "where did it all go wrong, oh if only" conversations if I let him. I don't. I know where it all went wrong. He's an abuser and I didn't recognise it.

Although he'd been planning this for a good year and discussing it with various people ( OW, 2 counsellors, his sister, at least) I think I am miles ahead in the getting over it because I'm more realistic and I'm tougher. Don't mean that boastfully, but I have a lot more mental toughness than he has. Part of being more realistic is knowing that this will be a long, hard journey whereas he seems to believe (courtesy of a really good counsellor) that he should be in the sunny uplands of a new life by now.

1 I used to watch that video lots when twunt was first preparing to leave. It psyched me up to fight back, to save my life. I imagined my cheering crowd and my corner urging me on. I also felt every punch that knocked him back. Sure he was on the ropes repeatedly, but he always got up and fought back. Me too.

In fact, I'm going to watch it again now.

I probably come over as a hard case, I'm not. I've had plenty of fear, pain, sleepless nights, panic and hurt. I'm still not getting everything done and spend too much time on MN. My future is uncertain. Learning about what brought me here, with the help of my counsellor has been painful work. But that little fucker isn't going to ruin any more of my one and only life.

Hmmm... Unless you've seen the Gabrielle video with the boxer, much of my last post will have made little sense .

Wish I could do YouTube links...

I was so desperate to get twunt's love again I actually spent time telling him that dog loved me so that showed I was a loveable person. Not in so many words of course

I must have read that earlier because the thought struck me this afternoon that I no longer feel I have to tell myself that I am a good and lovable person. And just writing that, Roz, maybe that explains why both of us seem to have made good emotional progress. Because of the removal of the negative vibes at home. I used to cry inside of my head feeling it was so unfair that everybody else saw me for the good but naturally flawed person I am, yet to my H, I felt I was nothing.

This afternoon I had a quick blub about the man I married as opposed to the man who left. DS2 came into the room, gave me a hug, let me cry, offered to talk. The ex, the person he was in the late stage of the marriage, would have looked at me like I was a nutter, asked if I was alright, in a tone that implied I had done something really peculiar.

It's not until they leave, and you stop trying to save the marriage, that you really see the wider picture. Step back and say "Would you take this from anyone?" Well, anyone who knows me in RL would describe me as feisty, certainly never a doormat, in fact could be bossy. The pick me dance, the being so caught up in the is he or isn't he scenario, the wanting to get that bitch out of my life. I didn't think straight.

Hobbit Postman Pat doesn't deliver on Sundays.....
And your wanting FF to apologise and suffer. All perfectly normal. Your self confidence has taken a battering, or maybe you've always lacked it a bit. It's an endearing quality in such a warm, funny, all round lovely person. But don't let it dominate you. This is about him being selfish, not about you.

1 I thought it would be Rise! Mouth, well if I put my index finger in flat,that's fine. If I then turn the finger 90 degrees it hurts. So I'm getting mightily fed up with. to being able to eat properly still. Today I cut very thin slices of cheese and posted them in. The jaw is sore. Mainly though I'm very unhappy, fed up etc etc. will be happier after hospital,appointment tomorrow, so hopefully confirm all is should be. I take no notice of my health most of the time, then every now and again I have a bit of a panic. I'm sure all is ok but I have a vivid imagination.

Hobbit the point Roz made about not getting any real pleasure from his obvious suffering.......love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Indifference though is the opposite of love. I think realistically that the majority if not all of us are heading towards meh, and cliches that we are, as much as the MLC twunts, we will have emotionally disengaged by the time Karma comes. I don't think Karma will be long for some now.

Ha, may have done it. Perhaps. Enlisted help of my son.

Yesss!!!! Don't get the little picture, but it's a clicky link to the video I wanted.

Oh, little picture didn't show in preview. Wow, the things I can do! Porridge and now this.

Prepare yourselves ladies, for more links.

Youtube links Just copy the link. Paste it into where you type your normal message. The MN magic just does the rest, as you will see once you actually post it

Anyway, as I was saying. That boxer, that's me, that is .

Well done!

Mine has apologised and said he regrets having an affair but swiftly followed by more verbal abuse and blaming others so I don't take it seriously and it doesn't help because I believe he would do the same again given the opportunity. He regrets being in the mess he is in now but I don't believe he really regrets hurting me, it's all about him.

He has sent me a poor me message earlier which has made me feel guilty and now I have indigestion. Might struggle to eat the lovely meal I'm cooking.

Sorry Izzie that was thoughtless of me I know it's nothing compared to what you're suffering, I really hope you feel better soon

Another major favourite:

Amazing how much clearer I saw things, once he was in my rear view mirror.

The kind of violence I was subjected to ( nothing needing medical attention, "just" leaving cuts and bruises) defiled me inside as a person, a human, while the external damage soon healed up.

This song helps me feel my anger, something that was nearly completely trained out of me.

I'm going on a bit tonight.

It's been pretty intense on here today, hasn't it? And I'm feeling even more crap as my stomach is reacting to one of the antibiotics I think. Last dose of that one tomorrow, hopefully.

Bloody twunts. Time for a Sunday bop. Well, I will just have a little shuffle. But I needed some sort of F off song. So repeated again

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqwborlxOwo

I will update the twunt words of shitdom later this week when resting. So any contributions welcomed.

Tabby not at all. And I've just inadvertently posted something just after a powerful post from Roz. Sorry, had I known that was coming, I would have said nothing.

And Roz get it all out on here. That's what we are here for

I'm bloody angry. All this tooth business etc is his doing. I was just going to elaborate but then........we all get what I'm saying! I don't need to explain myself 20 times just to still be ignored.

Love the boxer version. Will watch lots. Well done Roz.

Still sounds like you're suffering Izzie. Don't miss that appointment... I avoid docs like the plague but like you then, panic a bit.......I'm sure it will be fine.

I need it to be end of June.... HRT is away tonight. I can honestly say that for the first time, I'm past caring who he's with or what he's doing.

I cross posted too. Roz no wonder you are on the road to Meh. A powerful post.

Roz powerful song by Pearl Jam.

1 oh God yes, you still have to be under the same roof as him. Urgh!well, glad you're past caring tonight, and that he's away. Once the exams will start, the time will fly.

I hope so. Mostly I look at him and feel nothing very much but every now and then..... You know what I mean......

I'm getting melodramatic now -apologies.... but when we first met I found him exciting, clever, funny, mostly kind, attractive blah blah blah and fell helplessly in love but he doesn't have a truly warm heart like our children thankfully do.....they can't lie, none of them would dream
of killing a spider - sounds ridiculous but my daughter won't even swat a fly. For that I am grateful (silly I know)

Evening everyone. It's been a strange weekend here, Sid and OW are on holiday so I thought I would spend it in bits and I did find it awfully hard when they went but although I have still got upset when I've thought about them my overwhelming emotion today and yesterday has been that of relief. Relief that I have had a few days respite from his recent nasty, spiteful behaviour. I have felt so much less tense knowing that I wouldn't have to see him.

iwas that's progress I know in my case, it genuinely is becoming more a case of out of sight, out of mind when he's away. None of that absence makes the heart grow fonder rubbish here.........

1 I know what you mean. And looking back is natural. Analysing etc. needs to be done, in my opinion. You need to get some sort of closure.

iwas hi just been reading your thread. Yes the point about how much better you feel when he's not there. You know exactly what will be said on your thread, it must be lighting up now......but yes, I know it's not that straightforward. Your day out tomorrow sounds lovely. Go for it!you can catch up on work easily enough another day

I don't think you're being melodramatic or silly. I can understand why you'd be grateful to have kind, good hearted children. Honest too. You've done a good job of raising them.