HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Font there is no amount of money that is worth unhappiness and you are worth a billion of him. x

Vote Roz for president. All exlamation marks will be deported to Twuntsville. Which appears to be bulging at the seams.

Font if we all had hindsight! but we don't. You did bloody well to escape without liabilities. Sorry took so long to reply, got problems with the water here again. I had already typed that thing to Roz, so just pressed the button then saw yours. Do the kids have any contact with him? Sorry to be a nosy cow but I'm interested. You have some guts to do what you did by the way.

I mean foresight, don't I? If only I had a brain ......

Amazing story Font sad but amazing. A lesson that when we have to, when we're up against it, we can be strong too.

Haha the BF...my DD2 wouldn't stop till 2 1/2 yrs - drove me absolutely potty

Living I was a little offended at your use of the c word and a little shocked, but I can understand why you feel the need to use such language

Not really! Izzie has a choice vocab.

We do have brains Izzie they just happen to be made out of spaghetti atm

WWK hope you're ok and haven't drunk the cellar dry.

Roz you sound so much stronger and positive than you were a few weeks ago

Doesn't the c word belong to Hobbit - no 6 and all that?

iwas...you're spot on. It's all about them. What they want, need and deserve.

So sad that all you new ladies have had to join us. None of us deserved this shit. Please be kind to yourself. Do not keep it all in...let it out...cry when you need to.

When they decide to go their self belief just gets bigger and bigger and the past gets distorted and they re-write history. I could feel the pain physically. He couldn't have hurt me more if he had stabbed me. They rip your world apart and expect us to cope with the fallout. I still don't understand the way that he continued to attack me after he went. There was no compassion, empathy or any respect left for the mother of his children.

As for the effect on the children...his answer has always been...they'll get over it. As Tabby said they don't view them as a parent. My eldest DD believes every word her dad says. I fear that one day she will want to live with him and the OW. I feel like this woman has stolen my life. I just hope he is as controlling with her as he was with me.

Finding something for just me is a good idea Green. I will try to focus on what I could do.

And things are worse at night...it gets you thinking...the loneliness creeps in and I keep thinking of them snuggled up and me sitting here alone with the laptop and my two beautiful DD's upstairs in bed.

Font I know what you mean about the sex thing. Very occasionally I've thought about sex with him. And thought of him shagging her. Urgh, can't decide what is worse. Once you go off someone, the thought of it churns the stomach. I like that line from the group who sang every day I love you less and less. The line "I can't believe that you and me did sex".

Font if we all had hindsight! but we don't. You did bloody well to escape without liabilities. Sorry took so long to reply, got problems with the water here again. I had already typed that thing to Roz, so just pressed the button then saw yours. Do the kids have any contact with him? Sorry to be a nosy cow but I'm interested. You have some guts to do what you did by the way.

Yes they have contact with him and did from the beginning. Me, personally, I've never clapped eyes on him or spoken (verbally) a single word to him from the day I left. I changed phone numbers, email, shut down friends who might be persuaded to attempt to pass on info/messages, and apart from a couple of emails to a specified address (where I responded only with specifics) I can swear, hand on heart that I have had no direct communication with him from the day I left.

I've never run him down to my kids, ever! They aren't daft (they've got my brains luckily because he's as thick as shit, and no, that's not being spiteful and cruel - why would I need to after all this time? - I'm just being honest). They love their dad and I'm glad they do, and they love me .. and they know the score. They know who brought them up. They just 'know'. I've never had to persuade or influence them.

I don't have any animosity or feelings of any description towards him, despite someone on here insisting I must have feelings ... because I referred to him as 'the fat bastard'. Nope, no feelings - just being factual - he was fat(ish) and he was a bastard.

Where I fucked up was on the financials and that's why you will see me constantly popping up on threads where women are assuming their H's will do the right thing financially. No they won't. Your relationship is over and you have to live and support your kids after the break up. Fight for every fucking penny! It doesn't make you materialistic or avaricious .. it just makes you sensible.

I wasn't, and the financial hardship I have experienced since splitting with my ex is the source of most regret on my part. I should have fought harder, safeguarded my financial position better and that is the only thing I'm sorry about.

If I had one thing to say to all the women on this forum it would be .. please don't assume your exes will be generous, or reasonable ... etc. etc. when it comes to financial settlements. Fight, nail it down, and get what you are entitled to. I can't stress that enough.

Don't make the mistake I made that he would ultimately be honourable and decent because I had his two little children and had invested the proceeds of my property into his house and business.

Like I said, I got fuck all.

Whyme he has to have somebody to blame for his actions. He knows a lot of pain and upset has been caused to the DC and as obviously in his head it's not his fault, then it must be yours.

Re the DC, if it's any help, when mine were younger DD1 used to tell me off for having a go/talking back to him. As she got older she started telling me I ought to leave him. DD2 tended to say nothing as she didn't want to make things worse. She only spoke up after we split. Kids do become more aware as they get older of the true nature of things.

Well said Font I started off on the "moral high ground" saying I didn't want any maintenance for myself or the DDs. As time goes on I've changed my mind - currently asking for support for DD2 and if continues to twat about will very soon be asking for spousal too. Then he can go off and tell people how I took him for everything. Will I care? Meh

Thanks bobs. I know I've just got to sit it out and wait for the DD's to figure it out themselves.

font....you were so strong taking control. One brave lady.

Sex..eugh. I definitely do not miss that. He made me feel worthless and ugly. I felt used and I could have been anybody. The awful thing is that I actually feel disloyal talking about it. After everything he's done to me..why on earth do I feel disloyal.

Font I remember reading about how you shut down every means of contact. You had a bloody awful time and you did what needed to be done.

And you're right re the money. Unless you can nail the buggers for a settlement within maybe a week of their leaving, then money talks. Or the thought of losing it. I will fight for everything I can get, because what goes to me will go to my kids eventually. I'm protecting their immediate future and their inheritance.

Got problems with the water again. Had to text him. Got immediate reply. Then I asked him to phone. Bloody long gap before he phoned. Here we go, nutty drawers no doubt not happy about contact. DD 1 said sod it, just phone him. Do I give a damn what that bitch thinks? She's in no position to dictate contact or otherwise. Never will be. And while his kids live in the house he jointly owns, he can jump when necessary. Simple solution would be to hand the house over to me, then he can wash his hands of it. Clearly not here as we have no water upstairs haha, shit! Ah well, If you try to run two households, expect double the work. I notice no a great deal of help from him. He came rushing round yesterday because there was a leak. But having no water of course doesn't potentially damage anything. Well he has till tomorrow evening to sort, then I will tell him I've phoned the builder. Back on familiar territory now. Pissed off at his lack of concrete help, not going to hang around waiting for him to deal. Glad he's fucked off.

Late for bed. Night all xx

bobs he will never acknowledge you taking the moral high ground. Take the money! You have the moral high ground already anyway. Money is money is money. For your daughters if not you.

I'll start with the good news - I am financially no longer dependent on him, the lump has been paid - which means I can clear my debts and have a little left over to move on with. It's relief but I agree with Hobbit it's stark not having a safety net. Of hundreds and hundreds of applications, I've got one interview. It's not a great job but it's a small step in the right direction. I am the poster 'girl' for never giving up a very good career for love. 'Tis a shame I don't quite look like Izzie with a hangover...

Welcome fairy and frizzy to the bar. When new arrivals join whom have just had the 'profound shock', it marks it more acute to us 'older hands' just how much we've survived (although still a while to go to get to 'meh'). Not a single one of us would call t'other 'selfish' for not wishing to trade situations with you. The early days are nothing short of a hell you could never have imagined. There's no 'rapid' cure for the distress you are feeling. It is like your world has stopped, the colour has gone grey and you are suspended between life and death, but feeling like you're being shredded alive.

Their behaviour is nothing more than added torture.

There are no shortcuts - but the general consensus is

1. No contact
2. No Internet Stalkery
3. Keep busy
4. Tell people
5. Don't feel ashamed.
6. Accept they really are cunts.

I got that last bit right, didn't I? Hobbit?

I also believed he was having a 'crisis' or a 'breakdown'. Yeah...

Sakura welcome back - delighted you've got your own home, but naturally you're having a 'twinge' - it's the first step to building a new life for yourself but you're bound to have moments of massive uncertainty, fear and sadness. I have that to come - I'll be leaving the world's most beautiful place, where I have friends and support. Although I look forward to it, I'm also resentful, scared and fearful of it. It's "just" more change that I never wanted. You've done amazingly well to get to his point.

ode to Izzie!

Oh Izzie! And your hidous Izzietinis!

And your decorating capabiliteze!
You perturb wale's with your apostrophez!
But I do !augh at your exc!amation inappropriatese!

I know most are probably sleeping but can't get DD out of my mind and the fuckery that dhead must be inflicting in her. Solicitor tomorrow and now I think I'm prepared. Not that I want to see him ruined but if he thinks I'm moving out of here for him to move in, he's a bigger twat than I ever thought possible. I actually was driving behind him earlier and he must have thought I was following him as he slowed down about 20 mph less than normal ... Got to a roundabout and so f'ing ridiculous, he didn't have the balls to look out the window at me.... Just stared straight ahead ( at a fucking roundabout ) so I just mouthed Cunt, not that he heard or saw but it gave me a giggle. I just thought, why oh why ? Mid life crisis after being 'The Fat Cuntroller'. I always said I'd never use that word as it was for special occasions rarely needed but between my DM and I we've had many a day to wish to banish him to 'Cuntsville' where the rest of them hang out. Won't even go into specifics but as he's getting desperate for money, the dirty tricks are coming fast and furious. Worst of all though is the total brainwashing of DD and what he must be saying to her .... Poor him how he's so unhappy at his mate's 4 bedroom luxury house with a housekeeper ironing his shirts and laying out his suits. DD just thinks as Dhead tells her I could get a lovely wee house near her best friend and get benefits, wouldn't life be perfect for her... Living with him and visiting me. Ooooh if only I found out there was definitely OW then she'd definitely change her views. In the meantime I just have to keep hoping she'll see him for what he really is.
But in the meantime I have to suck it up and let her blame me until she gets her eyes opened. Sad though, very sad. Oh and 1 good day today that I didn't even write the text, never mind fight not to send it ....love you all, the strength you give me ...and the laughs at the expense of these useless, controlling, fuckers

Catch up on last night later. Meantime Stupid cunt reply to text re water. Tells me call builder. Couldn't call himself. Oh fuck off and fucking die you cunt. I'm not even going to let him know outcome let alone ack his text. Go fuck off and die you scumbag and your weirdo shagbsg. Freaks.

That's helped a bit.

Urgh

I had a text today from HRT (stbxh) saying that he's sorry but he 'has to be happy'. Funny, I thought I 'had' to be a loving, caring and responsible parent, I thought I 'had' to be a faithful and supportive wife who helped to nurture and provide for her family. It didn't dawn on me that happiness was something 'owed' to me - something that I 'had' to have. I was content with my life, loved my home and family and often felt happy. Isn't 'happy' just an emotion like 'sad' or 'anger' or 'fear'? Isn't it an emotion that comes and goes? I didn't think it was a perpetual state of mind that I had to have

Well said 1nogoingback3 sums it all up really............

It's so hard being a single mum to a teenager. Difficult day yesterday I won't go into details but feel sick with worry and not much sleep. We did talk things through at length and calmly no shouting I may have got through to him I'm not sure. When I get tough times like that I wish I still had the support of his dad its so exhausting. I didn't involve him as DS didn't want me to. Ladies please give me your thoughts. One of my options post dv involves me living very close to STBXH so he can support me with DS (he says) and there is a fair chance he would be happy with this option rather than hate me forever more. DS likes the idea too. Would I be stupid to do this? For those who may not know he is abusive when things don't go his way and lovely and friendly at other times. The thought of it gives me a sinking feeling that I may never get completely free. But days like yesterday make me feel like I need his help. The alternative is a fresh start, angry ex but Meh I'm used to that, continue doing my best as a mum which is exhausting and never quite feels good enough.

That's what is so good about these twunts. They make it so easy for us to lose all respect and every positive emotion for them. I think he thought he was being helpful. Erm no have a fatal heart attack so I inherit all. That would be very helpful. Funeral costs will be minimal. If I can be arsed to sort it

fontella all hail to you - what a story!