HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

fairy I haven't read the thread you mentioned, so can't comment on that. And I'm rather tired and a bit wrung out myself with the new posts. As iwas says, it's brought it all back to me. It wouldn't normally do so, I think it's just a combination of circumstances. Anyway, I'm telling you that as my answers will be rather blunt, I feel. I do totally sympathise though. Nobody understands all this shit more than someone who has gone through it. Anyway, to answer your post:

1. He begged you to help him. That to me says he knew he was heading for a crisis, although he wouldn't refer to it as suck

2..you did all you could to point out to him what was really happening. If I had the energy I would be jumping up at the ceiling with rage on your behalf. They see absolutely nothing. It's so obvious what is happening, but I suppose the rule of MLC is that all common sense, reasoning and ability to see the situation is absolutely zilch. It's like banging your own head against a brick wall. In fact I think that would be preferable, at least you get a result there..........even if it is only a sore head.

1. Romeo and Juliet already. Pathetic. Classic MLC. Don't unfavourably compare it with what you had. That was real, this is just utter nonsense.
2. Moving the timeline. Classic MLC to justify the unjustifiable. You know the truth of the matter, don't let his rewriting of history get to you.

5 the OW. I would shoot the lot of them. Enough said.

1. Him making long term plans at this stage. Ridiculous. Although quite a longish timescale there, so he has some brain cells left.
2. IF, and it's a big IF.....he stays with her and has another kid, he still won't have three of his kids living with him. He cannot get what you wanted.
3. £500 a month for his crisis. Adds insult to injury.

I really hope that this is him having a crisis and that he will come to his senses, and that you can repair the marriage, if that's what you want. It's never a popular option on MN, it's a bit of a guilty secret to admit to repairing a marriage post affair. But I still think it's possible if he's willing to face up eventually. For others, it's a deal breaker already. It's your choice, and I would support your decision either way.

Your children are young. I think it will be easier for them to adapt than you think. That sound glib. But it does seem to be that they are at an age to accept change and not cast judgment. The big issues seem to come from older kids who make up their own minds and often refuse to accept and forgive the behaviour of the errant partner.

Keep posting, the support you will get on here is a lifesaver. Don't feel you have to read and/or respond. Do what is right for you.

iwas summed it up really, same shit, different bastard. They really do seem to follow a script

Frizzy Unfortunately it's not about you or about your children, or anything you've done or not done, this is all about him and what he wants (or thinks he wants) everyone else is just collateral damage. In time you'll be able to rationalise things, at the moment the pain is just too overwhelming to see clearly.

It's appalling now, but it does get easier, I'm 5.5 weeks in and it's nothing like it was, I still have tearful days, and a permanent knot in my stomach but it gets better day by day. Be kind to yourself.

Frizzy I am so sorry, it hurts so much when they are nasty and it is impossible to understand why they would want to be like that. So pleased that you have good support from your mum and your sister, real life support makes a big difference.

Try not to think ahead to how you will cope, just try and deal with each day even with it is just curling up and crying your eyes out. He doesn't hate you sweetheart; he is a selfish bastard who puts his own feelings first. It doesn't mean he doesn't care, just that he cares more about himself. I promise you that you won't feel as bad as you do right now. I am sorry, your pain is so palpable. and hugs x

Izzie I was thinking something similar earlier, whatever they do with the OW won't be a first, buying a house, going on holiday, even having a baby, they've done it all before and without the guilt and baggage they're now carrying around. Nothing will be shiny and new.

Fairy I have given better advice to Frizzy you might want to look back at my posts to her earlier today starting just before 1pm and ending approx 5pm. That would be relevant to you.

Again a big Thankyou to all of you today, the encouragement Bourne from experience is far more valuable than you know, your all still going through this shitty ordeal but have taken the time to help me, I know it's dredged up some painful feelings for one of you today and I'm so grateful to have such brave selfless ladies to offload too, don't want to wish my life away but I wish I was 2 years down the line from this nightmare, this is only day one

God Almighty! (Deliberate exclamation mark, Izzie). These bastard men, causing all this heartbreak, shattering lives. And the script! ( Yes, another one Izzie, I am surrendering to the iPad). I read these new posts by newly heartbroken women saying to myself " Yes, he said that too. He did that too".

New posters, last October I was where you are. 18 years of marriage and I truly loved the man. My heart physically hurt. I understood why it's called heartbreak. I had so much adrenalin surging through my body that I'd sleep for brief periods then jerk awake, heart pounding. I would flee shops when a romantic song was played. I was stunned with pain and the person I would have gone to for support was causing the pain. And my husband was an abusive bastard who'd put me through years of hell.

But know this. I now sleep soundly at night. My heart is light and happy usually. I have down days, but instead of feeling heartbroken I feel good, clean fury. It's a roller coaster, to be sure and I know I have a challenges ahead. But the agony does recede, life has promise again. It will pass. It doesn't seem like it now, I thought I'd never be happy again. But often I am.

Izzie sorry you are struggling a bit today. There's a very thin line between trying to work things out in your own head and overthinking things to the point where it becomes upsetting again. Memories can be hard too, especially when you are looking back at something fondly and then reality sets in.

It is shit yes, but it's easier than it was for us longstanding bar dwellers but still think an Izzietini may be needed.

Braving your watering story made me smile, children are very perceptive and your DD will always be on your side. x

Frizzy oh my darling, I'm so sorry. This is time to grieve, all of you. No other expectations. Let it all out, don't be afraid to cry in front of your children. Me and my sons, 19 and 22, we grieved together, each in our own ways, and sometimes we were out of sync with what we each felt, and it caused a few issues. But we accepted we would all be in different zones at times, and that we should respect that. As hard as it is, try not to torture yourself looking for answers. Often there is no real rhyme or reason, and what you are told doesn't always stack up in hindsight. Just concentrate on yourself and your children for now. You have all suffered a massive shock and bereavement. I'm glad all of them are off tomorrow. They need time.

I promise you, it won't always be this bleak. This is about as low as it gets. We all thought our world had ended at the time. You will survive and eventually recover. Promise. Thinking of all of you xx

Sakura sorry to hear about your situation as well, sounds very tough for you but hope you are getting some support as well and good that you have a friend you can rely on.

Pleased you now have the keys to your house and am sure you will make it nice for your children. It's not always the most obvious things that cause you further upset. I remember autopilot well, but coming a bit out of it is a tiny step forward to starting the process of feeling a bit better even though it may not feel like that right now. x

Frizzy so true. Real women, real experiences. Only people who have gone through this can fully understand. And all of us who have ever posted words of encouragement to others following behind us are soooo bloody grateful to have moved on, and to be able to tell them that you really will survive this. This thread has been my lifesaver, and I know others have expressed the same thoughts. Use it. You're not alone. Bless you for replying xx

Izzie "He is living with someone else, yet he runs the finances as though we were still together." Yes that's weird, but beneficial to you at this moment I think. At least he is still paying the bills, even if he is keeping control over finances, it gives you a chance to get your act together. I have no doubt that out of pretty well all of us, you will be best placed to "discuss" it all as and when even if you don't do it my immaculate spreadsheet way Yes it will be nerve-wracking and stomach clenching but I bet you will have it all sorted in your head as to what you expect from him.

And here you go, as Madam has ordered - thought a bit of salad to go with it to keep your vitamin intake up

Frizzy – so sorry, such an absolutely shitty thing for him to do to you and the DC. I really don’t think he hates you, rather he must have some real issues in himself and you are having to cope with the fallout. Get as much support as you can in RL and try to keep things as consistent as you can for the DC. I hope the 18 yr old is not doing A Levels at the moment? Try and get yourselves out for a walk tomorrow - walking helps

WiseOne – good for you – seems like you’re growing some balls if you don’t mind me saying

Braving Haha at you with the water – small victories and all that

iwas Roz all these bloody twunts coming thick and fast! and these are just the buggers whose partners find their way into this thread! It's like one of those supermarket bogof offers gone bananas. Oh couldn't you just take a gun and shoot them all.

I'm ok iwas I'm starting to slip back into meh mode. I think it's a case of him being much more in my head, not through choice but because he just is. It will pass. And I'm still too tired to do much. If I knew any drug dealers I would be tempted to go get a bulk supply of speed. I'm beginning to think that falling asleep when sitting down is normal. I nearly did it twice today at work.

Good post Roz we need some positivity tonight. Of course you and I generally fly the flag for excitement courtesy of exclamationitis. Or sarcasm of course.

Yes this thread and these lovely people are lifesavers, I read everyday and post occasionally but they're always there with their support, hopefully soon I will be able to offer some support x

I liken this whole process to being in limbo, or wanting to be like Sleeping Beauty - to fall asleep and wake up in 2 years (actually might have to make that a bit longer in my case the way things are progressing)

For those who don't have DC at home any more, it's tough because you have no-one to do anything for anymore, and it takes a while to adjust to pleasing only yourselves (ok - that sounds a little smutty so take that how you want )

For those with DC it's tough because you have to explain it all to them, and keep it together for their sake

For those with no DC it's tough because 2 has become 1 and it's like there's only half of you, so making it difficult to adapt to doing stuff on your own.

Izzie! We do!

Wtf is going on? This bar is turning into a Statue of Liberty. " Give me your heartbroken, your shattered, your betrayed wives yearning for relief".

This thread will give love, understanding, good advice, humour, a glamorous terrier and no one will look disapproving when we swear about the twunts and any floozies and slags involved. Rant away.

I've only been posting 2 or 3 weeks, but already I'm hoping I get to meet some of these amazing, strong and compassionate women.

bobs ooh ta . And a few healthy bits thrown in too. Yes it gives me a chance to get a clearer idea of what I'm aiming for , finances that is, not food. But I will still only negotiate by email. I need time to do my jelly wobble in private before replying. If I came up with a load of spreadsheets he would be so surprised the shock might kill him. I may enlist your help

Living what I like about the support is that we all seem to cover different aspects of the same issue, so you get a good perspective from a number of ....perspectives

Evening everyone. I'm so sad to see that there are more lovely ladies enduring more of the same. It truly is a 'script' and so depressing. izzie you are right - you have to live through it to understand the pain.

There's not really much more advice that I can give on top of the already very sound advice that has been given. Reading the new posts brings back the horror of 'the announcement' for me. I still wonder if this is a nightmare that I'm going to wake up from at some stage. I fear not. On the plus side, I cope -mostly - day to day. I smile again sometimes and feel desperate less. The ladies on this thread have kept me going. I wouldn't go back - hence my 'name'. There are no excuses for 'their' outrageous behaviours. I look at my stbxh and wonder who the hell he thinks he is to do this to me and our family. I deserved better, my children deserved better. There's nothing for it except to know that this is true and move on- however slowly - minute by minute if necessary.

I had a text today from HRT (stbxh) saying that he's sorry but he 'has to be happy'. Funny, I thought I 'had' to be a loving, caring and responsible parent, I thought I 'had' to be a faithful and supportive wife who helped to nurture and provide for her family. It didn't dawn on me that happiness was something 'owed' to me - something that I 'had' to have. I was content with my life, loved my home and family and often felt happy. Isn't 'happy' just an emotion like 'sad' or 'anger' or 'fear'? Isn't it an emotion that comes and goes? I didn't think it was a perpetual state of mind that I had to have. What a tosser - my husband, the great entitled one! Here I go again trying to fathom the unfathomable. Must stop - been rambling. Sorry Koko allxx

bobs or if you got one grown up DC living with you and two that cant stand the sight of you(because disney dad has done the pity party) thats hard especially when you get a text off one tonight.. when they need something, oh go away pls (but thats not what mums are meant to do) but I have to ..

izzie dont worry about running out of words, my favourite one at the moment and the past 8 months is cunt, you can borrow it if you like, but if you dont like then I'm sorry to you and all but it fits at the moment

Font I must ask. When you left, why did you go so far? Distance wise, I mean. I've read some of your back story about the marriage. Or is that the reason why you went so far?

No choice Iz.

We weren't married.

We lived in a small village in (as Hobbit would call it) the arse end of nowhere. I had a lovely little cottage all bought and paid for and a good job. He had a fucking great big (almost derelict) house and a failing business.

I just got roped in somehow. I can't explain it really. We were the same age, both single, both had our own places, I used to see him about, in the village pub. I quite fancied him, di da di dah. I'm a strong person, I was a career girl back then, lots of confidence and to be honest, he wasn't all that. But you know what it's like - the old 'looks' going back and forth across the bar, the sex ... next thing I know I've given up my job and am working in 'his' business, then I'm pregnant, then I am selling my cottage and moving into his big house, then we've got two kids ... and then I realise I've never been so unhappy in my life!

I hate the bastard. I mean really hate him. I'm in shock that I actually had two kids with him because the thought of sex with him again just makes me shudder with revulsion. I can't stand the way he talks, walks, smells. It's hell on earth and here I am two kids, living and working with this fucker.

Luckily his big old house is as creepy as hell with a really weird layout, which means the kids are miles away from us at night. I'm breastfeeding - I go to 'see' to the kids, I 'fall asleep' in their room, the sex life disappears (thank Christ) and I just spend the next five years or so trying to figure out how I get out of there. You might laugh but I breastfed my daughter till she was nearly two! It was my excuse to get away from him. She gave me up in the end. She used to look up at me, this toddler going 'I don't want this' as I shoved my tit in her face as I was willing her to drink, so I still had an excuse to go to the kids' room at night.

So I'm fucked. I've given up all my independence and put everything in with him, and it's all in his name. Yes, of course, I should have paid attention to all that before I got involved ... but the thing is, when I met him he was in a lot of debt and I knew that worked both ways. If I'd gone joint on the house and business and he fucked up again they would have come after me. So I stayed clear and when I did make the break, although I went with nothing, I also had no liabilities. There were no ties of any sort, financial or otherwise, apart from the kids of course. He has got into shit with trading standards since we split, so although I got nothing for all my investment (apart from my two wonderful, priceless children) ... I also got none of the shit either, so my 'record' if you like, is clear.

I looked into all sorts of possibilities, social housing, trying to borrow money off a relative so I could put a deposit on my own place (difficult because my income came from the 'family' business .. that I was intending to leave). I would have loved to have stayed in the part of the world where I was - rural and glorious, and I tried my best, but I had two little kids, no independent income, no assets or property in my name .. and it just wasn't possible.

A relative had a property they had rented out for years. They knew I wasn't happy with my ex and weren't fans of his, full stop, .. so when their tenant left they offered it to me at a very low rent. It was my one and only chance to get out of there so I took it. Despite the fact that it was the best part of 300 miles away.

I hired a small van, loaded what I could into it, strapped the kids into it, and off I went.

I never got a single penny from the relationship but I got my freedom and that to me is worth a billion.

x

font just read your 'story'. You're a brave lady. Just shows what can be done. Where there's a will there's a way. Better to be alone than lonely I guess....?