HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Hobbit have you run out of sausages today? Or are you still creating today's outfit for Jess? Maybe a grass skirt to go with the flowers yesterday......alternatively you could just do a black armband for DS2 re Liverpool being out of the cup.

Can I join at the bar, although I'm teetotal at the moment because I'm living with my alcoholic mother and her alcoholic partner and my two children and I are in one tiny room in their house, so I feel have to not drink AT ALL to balance it out a bit...

But as soon as I leave here next week I'm going to call my friend over and crack open some wine in celebration.

Anyway, having only been in the country 3 months after suddenly finding out about "d" h's affair (which explained why he had turned into a monster) I have managed to get myself a council house. I received the keys today. They gave me a £350 decorating grant. I have just been to the paint and wallpaper shop and blown it on Frozen sparkly wallpaper for DD and nice oriental paper for our new living room etc.
I was doing absolutely fine until just now when I began looking at carpets online because I remember how ecstatic me and my STBXH were when we first went carpet shopping for our apartment, and just how exciting starting a new life together actually was. Now I'm doing all of that but completely alone.
Anyway, for some reason the carpets have created a twinge in me because until now I've been on complete auto-pilot, getting the children into a new school, dealing with their tantrums and confusion as to why we're not going home.

Thankyou all so much for your lovely replies, mums been here all day, she's devastated by all this too and terrified of how the children will react, it spiders out to so many more people doesn't it, he text to say he was having half day from work to go and talk to his brother, not sure what this means but as usual I'm still the one waiting for so many answers while he spills his guts to his brother, feel exhausted today, can't stop shaking, taking the rest of the week off sick, going to GPs as soon as I can get appt, maybe it would have been more appropriate to come home to me to talk about our imploding lives but I guess I'm not a priority

SorryIzzbob, I should have known you would get withdrawal symptoms!
Here's our mascot of the bar, lookin' purty!
As if butter wouldn't melt eh? We know different!
This ones for the new ladies, may their exes genitalia wither and drop off.

Frizzy your last post is bringing it all back to me. Oh yes, it's all about them, their needs, their bloody crises. They treat us like shit in the lead up to it, mess with our minds, create untold emotional distress. And at no time do they consider that everyone around them is suffering, in the dark. It makes me bloody sick to think about it. This, my love, is where eventually your anger will come in. And believe me, it's a better state to be in than the one you are now. That is when you are able to start getting motivated to doing things for yourself. Yes, take the rest of the week off, take what you need. You are very possibly not eating, the appetite is generally the first thing to go, you are possibly not sleeping, which is very common, but either way you will be physically and mentally wrung out. It all takes it's toll physically. Look after your own body and mind, do what feels right for you. I hope for your sake it gets resolved done way or the other very soon. If he's leaving, the sooner the better. Somehow, I found the not quite knowing worse than the actual reality of him leaving. And also, you have your own space to grieve. We all fully understand what you are going through. If you have the inclination, read through the threads. You can see for yourself how all of us have made great progress from our very early dark days. It may help to realise that other women, just like you, go through this and come out of it the other side. I'm certainly happier now. My posts gradually shift towards indifference. Oh, and remember, you will make progress but you will also experience dips along the way. All perfectly natural. Thinking of you xx

Hobsybob yes I was most disappointed not to have my fix of jess but I'm glad she's back looking extremely glam.

And may the exes of the more established of us meet Karma down a very dark alley sometime soon. And the OWs down an even darker one.

sakura glad you have got your own place and space now. Yes, we can be fine on the surface, then something crops up that makes us take a dive emotionally. Songs are the biggest one for me. There are still songs that I won't play. And certain objects that I come across that spark memories

Hi all. got meds from the dr re vertigo so feeling a bit better now. Just as well I cancelled my gym class as I'd have been a bit like a ball in a pinball machine ricocheting off the other bodies

Green - I echo the others - surely he can't impose those sort on conditions. It should rather be all about when he gets the DC etc. This should be something for them to ensure consistency in their lives.

whyme all I can say (again) is that he's a twat - a weasely twat! I suggest that at pick-up/drop-offs you ensure you say absolutely nothing contentious in front of the DC - nothing he can blame you for. then if he makes something up to complain about, well then...meh!

Ali re separation and divorce. Separation will sort out all the finances. Divorce should never be finalised until this happens, although they can be done at the same time. I think your priority is to know where you stand finance-wise. All assets (over £500) and debts accrued during the marriage are joint, whoever's name they are in, unless it can be proved that debts have been run up by either party due to gambling or such-like. If you can, you should do the wiki calculator as has been suggested. You will need a CETV of his/your pension to do this. That's one part of it. The other is reasonable needs - how much you both need to live on. This is where spousal should come in as he is the main earner. I would imagine that with your illness you can claim spousal for a lot longer than would normally be granted. I know you will want to send shitty letters back to him in response to his, but this will not solve anything. It's more a question of learning your rights and what is reasonable. As for who pays child maintenance, well that person does have to house and clothe your DD whoever it is.

Hobbit yes the slump! Fear not, it will soon be May and things will soon be winding up again - talk about a rollercoaster! I would suggest if you are emailing between between meetings, ask him in advance of your next meeting for his pension CETV to save time (so that you can decide your next plan of action)

Welcome Frizzy and sakura Have an izzitini or two - Izzie's paying

And why are you all taking my name in vain? What's this with putting bob on the end of people's names? Should I be chuffed? or has it sod all to do with me and I'm getting above myself in my old age

I feel I'm going backwards a bit emotionally today. Not surprised after the last couple of days. I've had a couple of angry moments though, thinking about specifically the very end of things. I really don't want to go down the emotional route again, wondering what it all means, what he thinks of her etc. I just want the whole situation to disappear from my life, and to be in the land of meh again. I'm glad there is now no reason for him to come around now. It was quite surreal yesterday talking about the finances to him, as in what to do to make further inroads into the mortgage, and whether we should leave further building work to see how the finances go over the next couple of months, having spent out on the cars. It's exactly the same chat we would be having as if we were still together. Except we aren't. I'm still of the opinion that there is no benefit to me to rush for a financial settlement. All the same though, it's weird if I think too deeply about it. He is living with someone else, yet he runs the finances as though we were still together.

Oh I'm sure a lot of this naval gazing is because I'm still knackered and so am not really concentrating too much on other things. I hope that's all it is. I don't want to be thinking of the 30th wedding anniversary over the bank holiday. Hobbit I think cancel the wedding pic, I just want to mark it by getting on with my life and not thinking about it.

Somehow, doing the garden is playing with my mind. Doing the house is just a positive thing and I don't think much about it. The garden, having been left really since he left, is evoking memories.

Oh God, I hate all of this. Fucking shit, isn't it?

bobsbob stop moaning and go make me a beef and onion ciabatta. I supply the drinks, you do the food......

Sums it up, I think

Hiya, bobs and Izzie, glad you're on the mend, Bobsy, it's not the same without you taking the piss outa me

Izzie, my love, it's when you start down the financial separation route that it hits home somehow, that's when you've got to manage everything on your own, that's what scared me anyhow, everything's down to me, no fallback position. But you are tougher mentally than me I think, even though I fight a good fight, inside I'm not so tough.

I've had incoming from him today, but I've told him no more texts unless it's an emergency, that way I can look at them when I want to, I've also changed his name to knobhead, so when I do get calls or emails it does give me a chuckle, xx

I spoke to my solicitor about whether to go for a legal separation in the first instance, and essentially it costs about £500, takes time and effort and then you have to do it all again when you divorce, and it doesn't take anything of the cost.

So, I've said I'm not going to the cost and effort, he's gone, he has no intention of reconciling (not that I think I'd want to now anyway), so we might as well go straight to a divorce, that way is done once and for all and there's no come back on either side.

Still waiting for pension information back, and I'm guessing he's probably not even applied for his yet, but I'm in no particular hurry, I'm paying for everything pretty much now anyway so there's no financial benefit, there are a few things still to sort out but in the meantime I'm paying a couple of his things and he's paying a couple of mine and it's pretty much swings and roundabouts.

Hi everyone, sorry I seem to keep venting when I post here, today I shall try not to ...reflection today.

Ali wierd you should mention the sexual dreams thing. I don't have them about him right now but it's triggered a memory for me when I was having an extremely pleasant sexual dream about one of my famous crushes. HE ruined it by waking me up rudely smacking his elbow into my face. He used to sleep at a funny angle whereby his elbow was pointed towards my face (his hand kind of under his head, I am probably not explaining this well) anyway, I remember being so angry with him ALL the following day even though it wasn't his fault LOL

I also feel embarrassed at myself that I found him attractive right up until the day I told him it was over and I was leaving. The memories of all the sexual rejections I had from him that led me to feeling very unconfident in myself and my attractiveness to any men. Tosser

re; separation/divorce I cannot help, I am in the very early stages of my separation right not the D word hasn't entered my head yet. It will have to eventually I know this. I will be following you on this one.

Izzie you have been so lovely to me, and you really are so very wise, sorry you are feeling crap.

Hobbit I have also had one today, right smack bang in the middle of work today "is it done and dusted between us or do you think there might be some kind of hope"

I have sat on this all day, just sent him one back saying "its very unfair of you to text me stuff like that when I am at work"

I have been mithering over this a LOT though. I DO still have love for the man, or at least the man I thought he was. It breaks my heart to remember the man I walked out on that day. That was not the man I married, I did not know him at all.

I know a lot of you here have been in much much longer relationships than I have, so I feel a bit of a fraud being here sometimes, and I was the one who walked. I probably wouldn't have though, if it hadn't been for MN. I wonder how much more of my soul would have self-destructed if I'd stayed.

Hobbit I hadn't really thought too much about the implications of financial separation, but your post has brought it home to me. It will scare me. I do understand what you mean about you fighting a good fight but not being so tough inside. There's an element of that in me too, a tough outer shell but maybe jelly inside. I post some of my stuff and think to myself, are you sure that's how you feel? Are you sure you're not just putting on a bit of a front? Trying to convince yourself? I'm definitely one of those people who hide upset with anger. As soon as we start negotiating, I will be panicking on here, I will be round my brother's for some hand holding, telling him I'm shit scared. Each stage is a little bit more growing up, isn't it? I thought I wasn't really grown up until my parents had died. And now I'm finding there is a whole new level. What we have to remember, hobbit, is that women do survive and thrive post divorce. I think the same as you, I couldn't go through that awful period prior to them leaving, I just couldn't put myself through it. I have peace of mind emotionally, most of the time. I would rather be divorced than go through and live with some of what we went through. This is the last part of it , this is the recovery bit. It's still like jumping off a cliff, but we have to get through this shit to move on. I'm rambling. Reminding myself that i really couldn't go back there again. I owe it to myself. I'm getting there again, starting to think about the bad things again, and getting myself back to how I was recently. I just have to jump through more hoops. But it's got to be a million times better than the alternative. How it didn't destroy me, I will never know.

Me thank you. It's so nice to be told I speak some sense after all those years. To be truly appreciated. Thank you.
Time with someone doesn't matter. It's the impact that is the issue. I think a lot of us feel we are having it easy compared to others. As WWK says! it's not a competition! we are all going through our own shit, and that is bad enough.

I'm breaking out into exclamation marks again. It's the bleedin ipad. So please ignore any iffy punctuation. As in the above. Here we go again Roz

I wonder how much more of my soul would have self-destructed

A lot of us can relate to that, whether we left or were left. It's good to remind ourselves of that when it's getting tough

Font I must ask. When you left, why did you go so far? Distance wise, I mean. I've read some of your back story about the marriage. Or is that the reason why you went so far?

We are now only 200 more posts till the end of this thread. As it fills up so quickly, should we start thinking about who wants to head up the new one? Hobbit? Well, my votes are, in no particular order, hobbit, WWK or bobs.

There's no end to all these cheating bastards is there. I am starting to wonder if there is such a thing as a faithful man. I am certain there is a lot of cheating going on that is not known by the wife/partner. If my ex-DH had deleted his texts I am certain that I would still be oblivious and think that he was a decent, faithful man.

Practically every day there are new women coming along to Hobbit's Bar, frequently as a result of the man walking out/or intending to walk out of the marriage. There are three current threads on here where the husband has gone off with the OW. It's horrible reading the hell that some poor woman is just starting to go through. Those women were me back in September when I first started posting. I wish I had been as strong back then, I just wanted everything to go away but it doesn't. I remember something you said to me Izzie very early on which moved me to tears when you do actually realise that people care how you are. It stirs it all up a bit reading some of these current threads.

What saddens me is it's just same shit, different bastard. They really do seem to follow a script.

I don't know if this will make anyone else smile, but it did me good.

I was out watering the hanging basket earlier and followed an urge to spray a little bit of water on the windows of his pride and joy sitting on the drive. My daughter caught me and asked me what I was doing and I confessed I was making water marks on his windows. My 11 year old DD grinned and said "Good for you" :)

I sometimes wonder if she really understands what's happened, and then she reminds me she does and she's on my side.

He's left, kids have been told and are in bits, he sobbed continually but was honest about why he's gone, now at his mums breaking her heart, it was the most awful thing I have ever had too endure, 18 yr DS and 13 DS are broken in pieces, the one who I thought would fall apart 10 DD was sobbing but then straight into mummy mode, I thought I was just numb but then my mum went home and I went in the bathroom and wailed like a baby, I'm scared of tomorrow and facing it all again, younger ones are staying off school tomorrow and eldest has already text his boss, I haven't got the strength for this, I just can't do it, I love him so much and have lost my best friend and ally of 22 years, no understanding at all to how we got here, he's was sobbing so hard he could hardly breathe, he adores the kids and I never thought he would ever walk away from them or me tbh, he must really hate me xx

frizzy - it is just horrible for you - him sobbing continually ?? He needs to effing well grow up - what a tosser.. it is hard to believe at this stage but you will get on with this . Yes it hurts like f* but you do it - you have your children to think about as well - what the heck goes on on their heads ?? So sorry you are going through this.

Hello Fairylights please don't worry about reading other posts and responding, you have enough to deal with. I am so very sorry that your husband has been having an affair. The only way to deal with your situation is whatever is the right way for you, people deal with it in different ways and want different outcomes and deal with it in different timescales.

Believe in the good that was in your marriage, sometimes they distort things to justify what they have done and re-write history a bit.

If you are okay with having him at the family home when he sees the children then that is fine but at some point you might find it a bit beneficial to have a bit of space from him. When he moves out he will also be in a situation where he can come back home and effectively dip in and out of family life which you might find hard. Perhaps when you are feeling a little stronger you might want to give some thought to him seeing the children somewhere else, perhaps parents.

Ultimately for a lot of these men it is all about them, what they want, what they need and all consideration for their family and how they feel goes out of the window.

so it seems like lots of us are having a f shit time these days - bummer!

After a flurry of late night e mails last night another one came in saying he will drop by tomorrow morning about some paper - you know what I said NO - for the first time. Told him to pick it up in another way. This is the first time I have done this as any contact was good at first for me - yes, pathetic but many have been there I am sure. I think this is something I have gained from this thread so thanks to everyone who has shown me the way. We may take steps backwards at times but such is life. What gives them the right to think they can do these things and then act as if nothing has happened? They can - to quote Colin Firth - just fucking well fuck off!