HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Our home, our family our everything gone. For what

Its a dreadful one, just impossible to get the head round it. My way of dealing with it is that i can look back and know that i did everything possible to try to save the marriage. And that the losses were therefore outside of my control.

They, in comparison, will one day have no choice but to face up to the enormity of what they have done. And it will haunt them. And that's why i believe so many of them end up as total messes.

Why posting on here may help. Therapy. And you know that someone on here will be feeling exactly the same as you. Today we all seem in sync. All down in varying degrees. And the vast majority of us have had recent contact with them. Yep.

We are all great, though, aren't we?

Thinking of you. Hold on in there xx

as for me...well the nightmare continues...

the weasel had the children on Sunday but on pick up he said that he would be come to the house at 6pm to look at the shower! WTF! it was his crap job that has lead to the leak and the insurance claim...I do not want it bodged again. Plus how did he think he could come in the house after what he's accused me of. There's a reason we have to do hand overs in a public area front of cctv. And because I said no to his house call he didn't like it.

Stupidly I asked him why he was being so nasty to me and why he didn't show me any compassion. What was I doing...what did I expect him to say. My head knows he despises me but after all these years I keep thinking there must be something. I didn't get any answers.

When he dropped the children off my little one started crying again. He blamed me and said it was due to the way I acted when I did the drop offs and pick ups. He also blamed my driving (?). Good god can I never do anything right. It doesn't matter what way I did it it was not the way he wanted at that particular time. I told him he was a bully and to leave me alone.

My head keeps pushing memories up from years ago. There were some good times or so I thought. But he has tarnished everything.

He's been with me half of my life and whenever I try to think of anything he is in the background.

Plus I keep thinking if I had paid him more attention he wouldn't have cheated... but I was ill. I had a doctor out at 3 o'clock in the morning and I was really sick ...I couldn't even stand...but he left me to cope with two children...I had to keep them off school...while he went on his advanced driving course where he met the OW.

I know I'm better off without him but I don't know who I am.

Just sending lots of love and good vibes to all the ladies on here who are struggling today...sorry but am too tired to do all the names thing - thanks to all the others who added their thoughts to my bad start to the day today.

So many insightful comments on here tonight....

Jess - what will you do tomorrow?? of the show!

Just saw this on another thread- how true is this????

"I hate that people can do this to other people, if they had caused the same pain to you physically as they have harmed you emotionally then they'd be locked up for GBH. "

Just checking in. Trying to KOKO and feeling a bit calmer. Helps I've not seen him since Thursday and I had the DCs for a lovely calm weekend. Am getting some building work done so hopefully in a month or so the place will feel a bit different.

But I'm still sad, but my latest plan is just to be fabulous every time I see him, kind, friendly, happy, that will confuse him. I've spent 6 months crying everytime we've spoken but suddenly feel I might be able to manage this, so have turned a corner I think. That is until I come crashing down again when I hear he has a girlfriend or something...

It's just shit and not fair, especially on my little DCs. I just don't understand how he can't want to wake up with them in the mornings and hear their chatter.

Thanks ladies, and Jess (but as a cat person where are Sasha and Holly?)

And why do the bastards have to start sending in e mails as well at this time of night?? Why don't they just piss off and die?

Why you were a good wife to him but he behaved appallingly. This is no reflection on you, it's all about him. Of course when you spend so long married, it's almost impossible to imagine life without them, to feel a complete person again. But look at how much you have achieved since he left. Your children can play with their toys, all of them, at the same time, be children. Because of what you have created since he left. You are a strong person. You stand up to him. Since he left. You are slowly creating memories where he has no place in them, good times with your children, and the dog you protected from getting a beating. Eventually you will also look back at memories when he was there, and enjoy those good memories without them being tarnished. He will be in them, but you will focus on the positive parts, and won't rewrite every memory. Don't let him steal your past. Savour those memories of the kids etc.

I never knew you when you were with him. The person I see is compassionate and gutsy. Someone who will fight tooth and nail for her kids and for what is right. Someone who cares about other people, as well as her own family. Someone who will stand up for herself. You, my lovely, are rising all the time. Think Roz. In both of your cases, all of this will be the making of you. It's already happening.

Why don't they just piss off and die?

Them and, in many cases, the OW.

I'm off to bed now. Totally knackered. Night all. Tomorrow is another day xx

Drifting if you're reading this, please PM me and let me know how you are. I just want to know you are ok. And of course, you are always welcome back on the thread, whatever your circumstances. I've tried to PM you a number of times, but it won't go through. Take care xxxx

Thanks for the support izzie.

Piss off and die...my thoughts exactly - we can only hope :)

My DD has just come home from concert ( that her father let her go to on a school night ). I've been reading everyone's threads and feel so alone too but in my own house with DD. She worships the ground he walks in and whilst I don't want to influence her views, I just wish she could see what a controlling bully he was and is, but as I am remembering the last year in particular, it was always 'tell her to change that skirt, it's too short, she's got too much make up on, tell her do this and that ' but it's too late for me now I fear. I think Imbgoing to lose her to him custody wise. As I'm bad parent.
I'm also starting to really suspect there might be OW despite his denials. Why is it worse at night ?
Wish I was Meh already ... Night xx

hi ladies ive got out of bed to post on here - there is some really strong emotional stuff going on at the moment - why your comment I dont know who I am - really struck home with me - I have been here - back when X first went I thought about what I really wanted to do -what had I done pre X could I start this up again - mine was dancing - i think ive told you all this before - but it saved me.

My counsellor also identified a cycle that I go into when i am on a bit of a downer - it goes like this - overlooking/feeling overlooked -withdraw/withdrawn from - curl up & protect self - criticising/ criticised( self -critical) - blaming/being blamed - upset & frustrated - control/controlling - this cycle can go either clockwise or anti clockwise - but the hard part for me was realising that I can chose to come out of it at any time and not continue to go round and round and down and down. At the exit point I had to express myself and say how I felt. Having it on paper and looking at it to work out where I was on the cycle and that I could get out of it helped me tremendously.

I think we need some positive vibes on here - we are all very good at expressing our feelings but maybe we all need a bit of help in trying to reach "meh" maybe we can support each other in this. I want you to think about something that you have enjoyed doing whether it was pre DH, pre kids, or currently but something that is just about you - if you are willing post on here - lets see if we can all get involved in something that is purely ours - could be anything - bread making, sewing, gym, reading, dancing, swimming - I'm sure there must be something that previously you have thought if only I had time etc to do this - now is that time!

I was very nearly back in that cycle yesterday - hobbit like you all the anxiety levels shot straight up - I could feel it - but a bit of positive talking got me out of it - i have got this far -i have acheived some major stuff! X is being nasty and has ramped this up but why it is completely about control - he can have a new life but I can't - that's why he is dragging his heels - currently he knows exactly where I am and what I can do within the financial he has on me - but once this is over I can do anything, be anywhere and this includes the kids. Hes champing at the bit over a possible holiday - what about if I decide to move away!

Ladies you are all strong stuff - you all have steel balls as hobbit and I like to visualise - izzie you talk some great sense - NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT OR DOWN TO YOU IN ANYWAY- i can't say this loudly enough or often enough but what you/we are being subject to is a failing on their part not ours!

Be kind to yourselves ladies - KOKO - and Id like to see what we are all going to do that is just "ours"!

xxxx

All stay strong my love. It sounds similar my my DS who never got on particularly well with his dad when we were together then as soon as he left put him on a pedestal. It's their way of trying to keep a connection. With you she feels safe that you won't abandon her so she acts like a typical teenager when she's with you. My ex doesn't get any of the teenage tantrums and I had a lightbulb moment when I realised that means he doesn't view him as a parent and that's very sad for my ex. Because all parents get the teenage tantrums don't they that's normal. So of course you are a good parent.

I would think she's a bit old for custody she'll just go where she likes at that age. Midnight on a school night isn't the end of the world they probably stay up later than that on their mobiles so maybe be interested in hearing all about the concert. Its probably something he wouldn't have allowed when you were together but it seems they forget all boundaries when they leave us, they are selfish and they want to buy their DCs affection. Keep talking, listening, letting her know you love her, get the odd word of truth in if you can. Stay put in that house.

Hello everyone, I really need you all, after months and months of effing my head up my husband of 20 years finally told me yesterday he doesn't love me or find me attractive anymore, last summer he said he didn't love me as much but really wanted to make it work, we have 3 beautiful children too, been cycles of lovely then big crashes of terrible, the last 6 weeks have been horrendous, he has been started on ADs as GP thinks he has depression but I think that's due to other issues too, we've had lots of things happen in the last 5 years, real life changing disasters, coupled with the fact he is a workaholic have resulted in this, I feel sick with fear this morning with what I'm going to have to face, just don't know how I'm going to cope

Welcome Frizzy, I am so sorry that you are here, but we all know how you are feeling, and if we can help in some small way, we will.

My ex did the same to me, wore me down over months and months, until I was ready to break in two from the stress of it all. He sounds like classic MLC man, it's all about him and his wants and needs, and no thought is given to the massive impact on you and your family.

You are in shock at the moment, please try and eat and drink a little, and look after yourself if you can. It is particularly cruel the way he has attacked your self -esteem, how dare he? Is he Brad Pitt? I very much doubt it, but he can critisize you, just to justify his actions.

Is he going to leave the family home? Please take care of yourself, x

Just phoned him at work, I'm in bits, he says it Definately over but has done nothing regarding ringing his mum to stay with her, he's just so angry, he seems to have no feeling to my grief and devastation, the thought of telling the children makes me want to be sick, can't believe this is happening to me 20 years of marriage just shoved aside, he swears on the kids lives there's no one else, I think he just loathes me, he's always been so lovely and a great dad but he just seems to have turned into a cruel heartless bully

He has totally detached himself from you and the children emotionally so he can justify his actions my love. I am sorry to say, but he has probably been planning this for months, that's why he is so cold and clinical about imploding his family's life.

You need to get some real life support around you, family and friends are invaluable in this situation. You need someone with you, this is a horrendous time, you feel lost and in despair that the man you trusted could do this to you. Do you have a sibling or mum who can come around?

I can feel your shock and disbelief, I know, I've felt the same, he is a cruel heartless, shit, and maybe he is depressed, maybe not, maybe that's just a smokescreen for the guilt, I wouldn't put it past him to have someone else, but that's not for you to worry about now.

Some of the other ladies will be along soon to give some more advice my love, xxx

Thankyou for your replies, spent all afternoon yesterday telling my mum and phoned my sister, mums coming round soon, the shock of yesterday made me feel stronger but today I just want to curl up and die, he says he can't help the way he feels, which is great but the systematic destruction of my dignity, self worth and esteem over the last months have broken me, I have to get strong for the kids, but I just don't know how to get the strength for what's coming xxx

Morning all I'm okay - still desperately job hunting and getting rather demoralised with it all. My motto at the moment is "something will give, hopefully not my sanity!" Still no sign of the lump...

Frizzy Welcome to the bar. It's very, very, very early days and the focus can only be 'get through the next five minutes' rather than trying to get through the lot. The future, from our perspectives, is a very bleak and depressing place, however, that's the here and now perspective. There's so many women who know that it does get better, much better, and start saying "Thank God he did that" and one day at a time, we will join those women. Adjusting to a new way of life is difficult. Yes, he loathes you - that's how he justifies his behaviour. But you've not changed, he has. I remind: to tell myself that who really minds being loathed by a dirty old lying bastard bully of a cowardly man in a bar who hates women. Not me.

Wise re: meds - didn't go down that route either. Hypnotherapy did help with the anxiety quite a lot (never tried that before). As for a counsellor, I too saw a parrot first time round, so tried a different one when I really started to unravel, who was a lot more 'action points/targets' which suited me a lot better.

Green. Tell him to piss off with the 'parenting guru' clauses. You're a parent you know best what is right for your children. If you feel your children need you around post 9pm, than that's fine. If you feel they can be left after 9pm. That's fine too. Every child matures at a different rate to their biological age.

WhyMe I know what you mean when you say "I don't know who I am". Many months ago I was asked "what do you like doing?" and I couldn't think of a single thing. I feel like he has tarnished everything - from me wanting to eat, to what I watch on TV etc, hobbies etc. Half the battle is, though, forcing yourself to learn new stuff and not worrying about what he might say about it.

Right, I have to get some work done. I'll be back later.

Frizzy my darling, just let your lovely mum take care of you, your body is taking a battering atm, along with your mind, just try and take baby steps until you feel a bit better, it's so early on in this horrible process, cry and rant all you want, it's so unfair the way these'men' treat the totally innocent spouse.

I think he's made his mind up to go long ago, you're just catching up, what a coward he is. Xx

Frizzy your situation sounds very similar to mine except I have an extra 8 years on the marriage....the person that you see is like a stranger - they are totally wrapped up in themself and their feelings and to hell with the you, family and the rest of it. One day they are talking about moving furniture in the house and the next day they are gone. At least your husband has told you - mine did a runner. It sounds similar - they are either angry or crying.

Sometimes they don't actually even have a plan or have thought very far ahead but they go. All I can say to you is that yes you will feel terrified and yes you will feel panic and yes you will feel sick - you have been traumatised and you think you have had it bad in the lead up but this is truly awful. Possibly the worst thing is that you feel powerless - you have no control over what is happening to you and that is terrifying. You have family to help you so be grateful for that. Sometimes it is a little bit worse when you can actually voice some of it to someone.

As others have said they have to "rewrite " history to justify what they are doing in their own mind and in that process put the blame on you. Just do whatever you have to do - I barely left the sofa and a hot water bottle for the longest time. Keep posting and to you . It is just horrible.

Oh and loads of and more - it was all I could face for the longest time !

Frizzy you are in a horrendous situation especially as he still hasn't moved out. This is all about him. Don't feel any of it is your fault. Take as much help as you can get. It's like a sudden bereavement. You will be fit for nothing for a while. Accept it. Gradually you will take tiny steps. When it happened to me I was rooted on the spot metaphorically. I couldn't do antything, even get dressed. My arms tingled so badly they hurt. Gradually I was able to get dressed, maybe eat a tiny bit, maybe put on some makeup. It's that slow at first. Just go easy on yourself. You are ill, really, do just listen to your body. You won't be like this forever, you will recover. But for now just concentrate on the here and now, getting through each five minutes. I'm so sorry. Reading your posts brought it all home to me. It's a horrendous time. 5.5 months further down the line I'm in a happy place. But back then I thought my life was over xx

Do not even attempt to try to understand him. Not at the moment. I doubt he fully knows himself. Just concentrate on you. The answers will become apparent at some stage. I know it's so hard to not want answers but I don't think he's in a place to give you any at present. Pushing for answers will just mess with your head even further. It's not right and it's not fair. But that's the reality. Oh such an awful time. I shudder thinking back on that. X

Another thing. I don't think people realise the full impact unless it happens to them. Well all of us on this thread have been through this. So keep posting on here, this thread has been a lifesaver for so many of us, including me