HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Loads of typos in that post. Sorry

bobs so sorry to hear you are unwell. Hope the doc can give you something to aid recovery. Very frustrating being laid up

views on this please ladies - X as part of the "contract" is saying that kids cant be left on their own after 9pm - either parent or "other responsible adult" must be with them -they are going to be 14 next month - personally I think this is just an attempt to stop me having a social life as he only has them one night a week & every other weekend. Kids are quite happy being on their own and feel too old for a babysitter - just wondered on consensus

Evening everyone.
wiseone sorry you were feeling so down. Your last post seemed a bit brighter though. Hope you are ok? You have has a terrible shock. Don't forget that. It's like a sudden bereavement in a way but a bereavement with no rational explanation I guess. You seem to be doing all the right things. This is very early days for everyone - especially in the context of a long marriage. Although it must be awful to be in this situation with young children, having children around means you have no choice but to carry on with day to day life and so this probably helps. I am definitely better during the week, when I'm at work fetching DS from here and there. He needs to eat, school uniform needs washing etc etc and so there's no option but to keep on. Be kind to yourself

*Jess looking gorgeous today Hobbit

bobs sorry you are unwell. Hope you feel better soon.

green My understanding is that there is no legal age in Eng and Wales that states when children can be left unattended. It is 14 in Scotland however. Children are the responsibility of their parents and guardians until they are 18. If, heaven forbid, something happened to them whilst home alone, you could be prosecuted. This is of course the theory. It is a very grey area. My DD started babysitting when she was 14 for other very local families and only when I was also at home on standby. We didn't let her babysit her younger brothers until she was 16 and then we didn't go far. Our youngest was 14 before we left him home alone in the evening beyond 10- 11 o'clock. Was very tricky though as he didn't want a babysitter. He's now 15 and I'd leave him til gone midnight happily - not overnight though. It's so difficult really when they are at that inbetween age. Do you have neighbours that they could go to in an emergency? I have no really close neighbours and so that makes a difference. I felt that school nights made a bit of a difference too - at the weekend it didn't matter if they didn't get themselves to bed so
much. I've rambled on. 9 o'clock for a couple of sensible 14 year olds seems a bit overcautious to me for a Saturday night.

green I'd have thought they'd be fine till much later than that on a non school night, on a school night I'd probably be concerned about them going to bed early enough, that said my dd is only 11 so my perspective is different.

Will catch up later. Meantime, he had to come round to fix a leak this evening. Had a chat about his car, was questioning the cost. I noticed that the bitch had a new car when I checked up on him, so wanted to check he hadn't used any of our money to fund. I didn't think he would but wanted to be sure. So I'm satisfied that it was all legit expenses for his car.

The funny thing was he picked up my phone by mistake and saw the pic of Jess wearing her garland. He asked what's that. I said all nonchalantly, "it's a friend's dog" hahaha. Thank you for that Hobbit and Jess for that little bonus. Sausages in post, together with a bottle crate of plonk.

A pleasant chat tonight. I was thinking, DS2 was home and it was quite a family atmosphere. And now he's going back to just one person. It really is no substitute for family life. His loss.

I noticed he had two keys on his key ring. Obviously the keys to her car. How twee, a bloody massive bunch of keys with two massive car keys. I had a good look, checking them in front of him. Didn't say anything. I imagine he worked out that I was pondering that.

He's gone back to do more work now. Hope so. I don't really mind him moving on, but I won't ever accept him being with her. And neither will my sons.

Green

www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone

I agree, he's trying to curtail socialising on your part. If they are responsible enough, and if you can trust them to go to bed at their usual times, that's fine, I think. This is also the age of the mobile phone. And again, if you have neighbours, there is always someone on hand.

I think I will be glad not to see him for a while now. It's been a bit tough on the emotions. Not massively, but I could t deal with it on a regular basis. As I say, time away from him will give me the perspective again.

So much of it with me is about her. I recognise that it had got to the stage where she didn't come into the equation anymore. But it has again.

Time to recuperate and recover again now.

bobs soz you're poorly, get well soon my love.
izzbob glad to be of service, not sure how ds2 will feel about being replaced though
greenbob tell him he's being ridiculous.
1bob you are a clever sort, I think I luffs you a little bit, and you are doing so well.

Lots of love , x

I'm tired tonight, feel drained, wwk said I would, and as per she's bang on the money. It's the adrenaline going, after being so hyped up last week, and then having my birthday week, and now I feel so flat and a bit shit to be honest.

I've also had incoming from ff, re meeting with the pension fella, and any contact with him brings on my anxiety, it's very stressful having to rein in my anger, but I know I've got to play the long game, and keep calm, but this shit is so hard isn't it?

Wise, sorry you're stressed, I totally understand the not working bit as I was medically retired 7 years ago after my brain tumour. It's when I'm alone I get jittery and my mind plays havoc with thoughts of what dhead is up to. Anyway, yes I take cymbalta for anxiety/stress/depression. I find that they do help as I've tried to cut back on dose before and realised the stress was worse then. They don't zonk you out at all but can affect your sex drive, lol,who with I wish ! I did take Prozac/fluoxetine but may have taken smarties for all the good they did. Go see your GP and at least talk it over.

I got a job done tonight I've been asking H to help me with for years, he'll get a shock when he's here later in the week, it nearly killed me and I probably won't be able to walk tomorrow but it was so worth it :)

I mentioned it to him the other day and I could tell he thought I'd never do it.

It's quite liberating just getting on with things and doing them my way, should have done it years ago.

hobbit - thank you for that
It's silly but I guess when the person who we've spent most of our adult lives with, the father of our children and the person who knows us better than anyone on the planet decides we are not worthy of them anymore, it's hard to think we are worthy of anything or anyone at all.

You ladies are all amazing. I laugh out loud at your posts, can feel your compassion, empathy and love of life in your posts. When I read them, I think your husbands must be barking mad to let you go. That helps me to believe that mine might be mad too and that it's his loss and not mine.

He's home tonight and we ate together. He said that he'd miss me but he was sorry, our relationship was broken. I asked why he didn't think to fix it before it came to this. He looked surprised - as if that thought hadn't ever entered his head. What a tosser. Our home, our family our everything gone. For what.....a quick shag. God knows.

hobbit this shit is sooo hard - sorry you are feeling down tonight but you know you will recover - you too Izzie. We all will. Xxx

Hobbob DS2 is more than happy to see Jess beaming out from my phone. He loved the garland picture.

Yes it's that sinking feeling again after such a high, perfectly understandable. You are doing very well to stay cool and calm to his eyes. As DS1 says, think of the settlement. Or my brother, be as nice as you can pre settlement, then let him have it when it's all signed, if you still want to.

Make sure you take independent advice re the pension too

I put out a few questions to the ex tonight mainly to gauge if I could, what his future plans are re settlement. And from what I can gather, there are no plans. It's a bit unnerving in one way, knowing that at any time I could suddenly be hit with a few options as he sees them. But on the other hand, it means I don't have to deal with any more upheaval at the moment. I would like to know his plans for the other place, because of it's sold or he takes it as his, I plan to convert my bedroom into another living room. So my bedroom is a bit of an unknown quantity at the moment.

On the other hand, a financial settlement could mean the big move.

I think he's waiting to see how things pan out with her before he makes any major financial decisions. In some ways it pees me off that I'm still beholden to that scenario. On the other hand, the end result is thinking time for me. Which is useful

So yes I knew it was the calm before the storm... That psychic thing again ( knowing he's going to be a serial dhead ). He's been to his solicitor today, hope she charges him mega ! So not sure what is coming apart from maybe another 28 or even 20 day warning to vacate my house. Good news is that I got my emergency legal aid certificate today so I'm gonna send that sucker a nice nasty one back... For free ! Saw domestic violence officer about my concern that dhead will go ape shit and come literally 'gunning' for me. Very nice guy, very helpful but again advised to go down the route of non mol order and occupation order which I fear will upset DD too much. But we shall see what solicitor advises on Wed and I'll no doubt get my nasty email from his sol tomorrow so need to get these nerves ready for the enslaught.
Having said all this, was sat in Sainsburys earlier having cuppa when was so down I just wanted to text and say 'why ?' And don't you miss me ? I miss you... But I held strong again and didn't. I do think he is rather surprised that I am fighting back and not giving in as usual... He'll be even more surprised when his request for legal separation is countered with me asking for a divorce asap..... Am I doing the right thing ? Surely there's no point prolonging the agony- who does that actually benefit ?
Well tired tonight and all emotions surfacing... Hope if there's another sexual dream tonight that it actually doesn't involve him lol lol

1 I also think that a lot of the exes on here are big losers, having given up some amazing women. And that includes you, too.

The question you asked of him, why didn't you try to fix it. Join the club. I just think some people are just not wired in the right way, and can't deal with it. So they toss all the toys out of the pram and hope another lot will be better. Except they are not shiny new toys they pick, are they? What utter idiots they are. Ah well, we can eventually get away from them, but they still have to live with themselves.

Ali on a practical level there are advantages and disadvantages to separation v divorce. Personally I would put on my financial hat and do what's best that way. Some prefer to divorce to clear the decks, as it were. Others see it just as a piece of paper.

Well done for not texting. It's so difficult, I fully appreciate that. The point is, they are not in the same emotional zone, so it's counter productive.

Yes, this shit is hard on a number of levels.

ali I've thought a lot about the divorce versus separation issue. Still not decided. Once I realised that it was over for me, whether or not he had a change of heart, my initial thoughts were to get it done and dusted so I could move on.

izzie got me thinking about whether or not that was for the best. If we are emotionally detached, does it matter? It's just a piece of paper. Also, is a piece of paper going to speed up the recovery? Being totally practical, are there financial benefits in remaining married for longer?? Just some thoughts. Well done for not texting.

Thanks Izzie I think yours already perhaps realises the error of his ways......

Early night for me tonight. Hope WWK is ok? I've tried late nights, early nights and so am now trying early, early nights. Sleep tight all x Ps I seem to have stopped dreaming altogether - probably not actually asleep for long enough for one to get going!

1 sleep total oblivion is best

No need to reply as you're off to bed, but I really have no idea what my ex is thinking. He gives so little away. For all I know, and it haunts me, maybe he has wanted to be with her ever since he met her, but felt obliged to try to save his marriage. He wants us to be friends. Maybe that's what he really wants. Maybe he will continue to do what he feels is right by me. I can bear anything but please not that he chose her over me. That would break me. I can never ask him, I really don't want to know, if that's the case. I suppose if that were the case, I would of course get over it. Choosing her, just choosing her, would be enough to. A&E me lose all respect for him. Not choosing her as opposed to me, but choosing her.

Make, not A&E !!!

izzie and 1, I'm not actually sure why he wants legal separation but that's what he seems to be going for ( until the next change of his mind). Because he's so skint I think his priorities are to get here in this house but not sure of motives apart from keeping DD here and having no child maintenance to pay. Does anyone know what happens if they don't pay their spousal maintenance ? At the minute I haven't got that far but worried if he just decides not to pay it if he's too broke. And despite being on a really good wage will they take his debts into account ? I'm not sure how this maintenance thing works. I believe that I'm entitled to half his pension which is due in 6 years with big pay out. And he'll walk into another job at 49.
I know the solicitor will advise me but kind of having your 'on the ground experience would be great' I can't do a clean break as there is no equity in house and I'm not working. Wish there was a maintenance calculator for divorce lol ... All I know is half of nothing is still nothing, so pension it is ... So if there is some other woman then she'll be well pissed come his retirement!!
God I'm hyper and exhausted... Is that even possible ?

Roz it's notgood, is it, when we keep, keep, keep breaking out into those stupid, stupid, exlclamation marks and we look all sarky, or all excited. So i have taken off the stuoid, stupid, idiotic auto correct, and i haven t broken out inot ine exlamation mark. Unfortunately my careless typing has now made me a shit speller[smle]

ali go to wikivorce.com. There is a rough calculator re spousal. You can tinker around with the figures endless times. You need to sign up to use it but its just setting a username and password. Easy.

sending big hugs to all you girls...sorry haven't posted...feel apart after nisi.

bobs...hope you're feeling better.

"wiseone"...sorry that you're feeling so down...I've had diazepam on and off and not sure if it's helped or not. I'm actually going to go to the doctors myself this week to see if there's something else that can help me. Some days I'm only holding on by my finger tips and I do understand the loneliness...when something happens you have no one to tell the news too. Not that my weasel actually probably listened to me anyway. My mum passed away suddenly in December and sometimes I just feel cut off.

1... It's silly but I guess when the person who we've spent most of our adult lives with, the father of our children and the person who knows us better than anyone on the planet decides we are not worthy of them anymore, it's hard to think we are worthy of anything or anyone at all.
...you sum up exactly how I feel.

izzie...you're right about them giving up amazing woman. Everyone on this thread is being stronger than they realise. We are all facing the storm these twats have sent us full on...they only feel the breeze as they walk away. They never acknowledge the destruction they have left.

hobbit...loving the Jess photos.

green...so this contract is from a man that thought of his children when he walked out. He still wants control over you.

ali/brave...you are both doing so well.

KOKO xx