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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

999 replies

WellWhoKnew · 11/04/2015 00:19

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Our theme tune:

OP posts:

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Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 22:59

Buying somewhere with the OW. Ridiculous isn't it. We all bought a house with the ex after a long and proper courtship. They have led up to it with a series of secret meetings which artificially fuels any so called feelings. The time spent together is minimal in comparison. No wonder so many of these affairs crash when they see the cold light of day.

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:01

.......and we didn't have to contend with split families and adult children who refuse to acknowledge the partner.

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:07

Sid, oh didn't know that. But as I say, it means nothing really. He was never going to settle for being by himself. And Ms Desperate Drawers , well, say no more.

I think a number of men are stuck like him. Mine and MrWT are two others that spring to mind. In fact, of the three, I reckon Sid is more likely to break free that the others, who seem week and truly trapped

Hobbitwife001 · 19/04/2015 23:07

Hi Iwas my love, hope you're ok, and Sid is not being too much of a wankbadger!
It does hurt the fact of them rushing in to buying a house together, Christ, they have only been together 6 months, and they're thinking about that already! It's like everything has to be accelerated, in a desperate bid for acceptance that it's a legitimate, long term relationship, and not just a 'fling'

He didn't want to buy a house with me after 6 months FFS, why rush into it?
Why does Sid and Nancy want to do that? Have you asked him?

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:07

Well, not week

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:10

The reason they do it is because they carry on from where they left off. They had a house and a partner, so they won't settle for less. I have a friend who went through a series of relationships. Each escalated quicker than the others. She got engaged to one. It ended. She very quickly bought a house with the next. It ended. She very quickly married the next. It ended. She very quickly moved in with the next. You know, that sort of thing

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:13

What they have done, somewhere in their minds they realise the enormity of it all, so they try to recreate what they had ASAP. It's all about their need to put things as they were. It's not about their feelings for the other person, I'll get my bottom dollar

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:13

Bet, not get

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:14

And of course, first time round they weren't having MLC

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:16

They really are quite rudderless.

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:19

They are flailing around for some stability in their lives. They have abandoned their home, their possessions, their family. I bet it's quite traumatic for a lot of them. Which is possibly why they get at us. In thei minds they see as as still having it all in place. I think my ex does to a certain extent. Especially if he thinks I'm over him.

Hobbitwife001 · 19/04/2015 23:25

Yeah, I think you're right izzie , even when you've had a few your' re quite perceptive aren't you? That sounds like my ex to a t, dosent make it any easier to deal with though, I think he'll get engaged as soon as the absolute comes through, twat!

That will really piss my sons off!

Hobbitwife001 · 19/04/2015 23:26

Two pictures of Jess for you tomorrow

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:37

Thank you Hobbit. And I too wonder if the twat darn sarf will also do the same. And yes he will score another own goal with his sons.

Two pics, aw thanks, it's our highlight of the day on here. I will let you off with one hat pic, there are only so many sausages a little dog can eat...... But I'm happy the second picture is your choice entirely. I'm going to ditch DS2 as my phone background and replace him with Jess. Jess and the straw hat of meh!

Love you xxx

iwashappy · 19/04/2015 23:37

Izzie Ms Desperate Drawers :) When you say Sid is more likely to break free, I presume you mean leave OW?

Hello Hobbit yes am okay thank you, Sid's still being okay at the moment although have only seen him very briefly today. It does seem a short period of time doesn't it, but I suppose they've effectively been living together since December so maybe they don't see it as that different.

He says that they will be looking to buy somewhere after we are divorced. OW has been looking to move anyway and he doesn't want to stay in the flat long term, not that he is ever in it anyway. I haven't asked him why as such but have assumed that if they are getting on living together and she wants to move they've decided to look for somewhere together. He's looking to relocate the business at the same time.

How are you today, recovered from your Birthday celebrations? When is your next mediation?

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:38

You will have to do a black armband one day this week. Liverpool are out of the cup

iwashappy · 19/04/2015 23:40

What timezone are you in Izzie, the football finished ages ago!

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:42

iwas Sid leave No Knickers, yes. Once he has had time to recover, he will be back to his old tricks. Anyway, his long term choice will be a decent woman. Like you and presumably his first wife. It depends if he has the balls to leave her to free himself to meet a decent woman of course. That's what I think.

TheOldWiseOne · 19/04/2015 23:45

1nogoingback and rozalia I did go and the comedy was good but the people aren't really what I am used to ..they are very welcoming but it's all so very hard.. I cried on the way home - I think that is the first time I have actually cried about my situation in all this time - why now?

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:45

I know it finished ages ago. Do you not understand the sheer heartbreak of being booted out of the cup?? Bill Shankley, bless him, "football isn't a matter of life and death, it's more important than that". My son is heartbroken and you think he should have gotten over it by now??

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:49

Wise you did exceedingly well to go anyway. Some you win etc. wasn't it you who went to a meet before? And you can't predict when the tears will start. It was probably linked to you not feeling the evening went your way, and it all feeling like you are by yourself. That's natural. Actually, it was a very brave step, a huge one. Meeting new people is a bit like dating, it takes a while to find someone you gel with. Well, it's not as bad as dating, perish that thought!!

iwashappy · 19/04/2015 23:49

I am sure he will be back to his old tricks which is why I wouldn't really want him to end up with a decent woman as I'm sure he'd do the same to her as he has done to me and his first wife. I don't say that as any sort of revenge on him but because I don't want any decent woman to go through what I have. When if he cheats on OW then she can't exactly say she didn't know what he was like.

TheOldWiseOne · 19/04/2015 23:53

I like the idea of the Jess Poldark theme btw..trying to catch up with the FLURRY of posts tonight!

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 23:54

Good point iwas and it would serve her right.

I'm heading up to bed now. I did set myself a deadline of 11......

Catch you all tomorrow xxxx

My special pics day tomorrow, very excited.

Will have a headache tomorrow, but worth it to be meh champion of the day!!

iwashappy · 19/04/2015 23:54

OldWiseOne well done on going. Maybe you cried because you were in a situation, going to a Meet Up, that you were only going to because of what has happened to you. You didn't go through choice, but because you thought it would be a way to improve your life and you were forcing yourself to make an effort. At some point it will hopefully feel like you are going because you want to, when you have got to know some of the people who go and you like them and start to enjoy doing things with them.

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