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Original poster

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

999 replies

WellWhoKnew · 11/04/2015 00:19

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

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42
iwashappy · 19/04/2015 12:47

Rozalia I'm very sorry that you are struggling at the moment. It is very hard when they don't respect your wishes and it must have been a shock when he just turned up and then was questioning you.

You are not an abusive spouse in any shape or form, it is all him and no doubt part of it is to make you feel bad and questioning yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

It is perfectly normal to feel worn out and on the ropes even when you feel you have been doing well. There will still be setbacks and days when it is really hard. You have been through an absolutely awful experience and you are doing so well and you will feel in a better place again.

If you don't feel like doing anything today then don't. I have had plenty of days when I have just wallowed.

Be gentle to yourself and I hope you feel a bit brighter soon. Flowers

iwashappy · 19/04/2015 13:08

Hello Izzie meh is great! I don't know if it's temporary or not but it's most welcome. When we've been talking this week I've felt quite calm and composed and it's now registered that I've felt calm and composed because I do feel quite detached and he doesn't have the capacity to hurt and upset me like he did before.

I totally agree that all of this shit has tightened the bond between us and the children. They want to spend more time with me than they did before. I don't have to drag my daughter out with me now, she actually asks if we can do things together sometimes now, yesterday was her idea. I am sure that will change a bit when everything does settle down and especially when she gets a boyfriend, but am making the most of it at the moment.

I take Berocca sometimes, I don't know if it does much but it tastes nice.

Skydive! Oh shit, hope you're okay. Sure your son will love it and he will be fine but nerve wracking all the same. I think you need an Izzietini. x

1nogoingback3 · 19/04/2015 13:32

Sky diving??????? OMG x

iwashappy · 19/04/2015 13:45

Hello 1 sorry he was horrible to you yesterday. Yes I think it's fairly normal unfortunately to still have feelings for them but wonder why on earth you do.

It must be very hard for you living with him still and knowing it's going to be that way for at least a couple more months. You come over as a lot stronger now so I think you're doing better than you think. x

livingwithsemtex · 19/04/2015 14:03

Sorry about that everyone, it was meant to be a picture with a phrase (back to the drawing board)

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 15:06

Picked up DS2 from work and I wasn't where he thought I would be, my phone was on silent and I forgot the time. He was quite abrupt, wanted to get back to watch football. Bloody cheek! He really spoke down to me. Reminded me of the twunt. Gave him a rocket. I won't be spoken to like that by anyone unless I'm paid to do so. A timely reminder of how glad I am that I don't have to out up with that anymore. And at least if I have a go back at DS2 for his rude behaviour I don't get the mindfuck of being told that actually I am the one who is being rude. Life is soooo much better without him.

Forgot to mention about his new car plate. It ends 15NEY. I wonder if he's spotted that.....

livingwithsemtex · 19/04/2015 15:17

Izzie same here with my DS, I was under the illusion that he would have seen his "father of the year" act like that for years and wouldn't want to act like him but no, sometimes it seeps through, stupidly in the early days after shitbag left I would take it on the chin but now I deal with it just like you, so.. we must be getting better KOKO

BravingSpring · 19/04/2015 16:38

He's just been to collect DD and the Ddog for a couple of hours, I didn't get up when he arrived just left the door unlocked so he could let himself in, didn't engage, didn't really speak to him or make eye contact, and he focused on fussing the dog, also trying not to make eye contact probably.

I got a knot in my stomach (but that's there most of the time anyway), but I felt fairly unemotional, especially when I think back to the very early days when I'd have cried and wanted to hug him. I gave DD a big hug instead. I know she feels a bit guilty for leaving me, I don't really know how to handle that, I'm certainly not doing anything to reinforce it, I think she just knows how hard it's been for me. It'll all get easier over time.

I'm definitely detaching slowly, it's hard but I do feel I'm getting there. The packing has stalled but I'll start again this week.

BravingSpring · 19/04/2015 17:39

That was a short walk !

He came in for coffee, I made polite conversation about the holiday I'm taking DD on and the phone bill. All very polite and unemotional, I didn't even get upset once he left, very proud of myself.

He's taking her out for dinner later in the week, after some prompting, he seems to expect her to be very enthusiastic about spending time with him, I don't think he appreciates she does understand the situation and her loyalties are with me, the parent who stayed and took care of her.

TheOldWiseOne · 19/04/2015 17:59

For some reason I just saw this again and thought it tied in nicely with the earlier "porridge" conversation

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/01/21/secret-to-long-life-porridge-and-zero-men_n_6513978.html

TheOldWiseOne · 19/04/2015 18:01

Bloody cold day today - have been out and caught up with a friend who lives a little bit away. Stupidly shut my eyes when I got home and woke up feeling shit - feels like the progress I have made the last week has gone Sad Supposed to be going to a Meet Up at the theatre tonight but its the last thing I feel like doing - AND giving up Poldark for a few hours for it too !!

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 18:04

It's going to be one of those evenings in thread tonight. Shitbag is coming over to inspect the builder's work. He never gives any notice, just can I come shortly. I ignored as went outside to say something to my neighbour, then got back in and have another text saying his lordship is eating first. So I replied come ASAP afterwards. Fuck I really don't want to see him. Detach detach detach. And if he asks to take any tools or whatever, I won't react. I've hidden my new tool box. None of his business what I spend my money on. Urgh. Off to finish the washing up now. Back later. Pity in a way he didn't come straight away. He would have caught the neighbour. Who now knows he is living with another woman......

1nogoingback3 · 19/04/2015 18:11

Noswaith dda merched. Smile

The sun has come out in my part of Wales but personally I'm relieved that the weekend is drawing to a close. Apologies to all those for whom that is not a good thing. It used not to be a good thing for me either. How times change.

It's heart warming to read the comments that tell a story of recovery - albeit slow. Thank you iwas for saying that you could see an improvement in me too. Don't feel like it at the moment but I know it's early days and not helped by the fact that HRT is sitting in the lounge.

Good to hear you are still with us semtex and fuckit.Smile

Izzie like the number plate. Hope skydiving was a success??

1nogoingback3 · 19/04/2015 18:13

Just seen your post izzie.
Good luck. Don't let the bugger grind you down tonight x

1nogoingback3 · 19/04/2015 18:17

Oh wiseone you're feeling glum too. Nooooo. You've made great progress. Record Poldark and get going! (She says grabbing a bottle of Pinot and heading for the duvet....)

BravingSpring · 19/04/2015 18:22

H had a good look at the work I've had done in the garden, but didn't comment, except when asked about something I want to change I thought he'd care about, wasn't asking just letting him know. He was clearly bothered but pretended he didn't care.

Funny how they are all interested in the practical changes we make, the things that show we're moving on with our lives - or at least we're faking it realistically.

Hobbitwife001 · 19/04/2015 18:28

Hello yourself, 1, and good evening, you're doing great my love, you really are, it's so difficult to be in the situation you are in, trying to maintain this charade for your family and friends, having to tolerate his royal twuntness being an arse and stinking up the place! I couldn't do it for more than a week, it was intolerable in my experience.

izzbob why don't you just go out? Why do you have to see him ? Let him just look at what he wants to look at, you don't need to engage with him do ya? I just know it will upset you, and then you'll get angry, and then you'll turn into a whirling dervish!

I always go out when ff wants to come to the house, I don't want to see him and I don't want to talk to him in my home.

livingwithsemtex · 19/04/2015 18:33

1 yeah grab the duvet, not sure why that happens but its happened to me this weekend so dont fight it, well thats what I say anyway

1nogoingback3 · 19/04/2015 18:53

Thank you Hobbit. He is an arse. HRT is such an apt name. God knows what I ever saw in him. Twenty-two bloody years. He did some washing today and put the pouch thing in the drawer and not the drum. I couldn't be bothered to say anything - idiot. I am literally dancing on egg shells around him so as not to cause ructions in front of DS2. I'm scared about future but it has to be better than this - surely??

1nogoingback3 · 19/04/2015 18:58

Yes semtex - thank heavens for duvets. I'm determined that my first purchase when I escape this misery is going to be new duvet, bedding etc. I check out John Lewis website when needing a boost. Sad or what......

Rozalia · 19/04/2015 19:03

Went for a long walk in the forest with dog, trying to work out how to cope with my emotions. Just getting out helped. Made some plans and goals, nothing too onerous, when I got back.

Getting back on track. Yesterday was horrible but a handy reminder of twunt's manipulation.

WiseOne, I hope you go. You can record Poldark and lust over it later.

1nogoingback3 · 19/04/2015 19:12

roz - Good for you. We must have the fittest dogs in the country..... Haven't had the dog custody conversation yet....HRT couldn't possibly look after him and so I'm hoping it won't be an issue and I can keep him. Do dogs have visitation???

Rozalia · 19/04/2015 19:14

Luckily the dog is mine. Also twunt couldn't have a dog where he is and doesn't have time for him.

My dog is sleek and shiny and super fit. Sadly all the exercise hasn't had the same affect on me.

Izzie595 · 19/04/2015 19:18

Just flicking at the thread. I don't want him in the house without me being there. Don't want him poking around. He still isn't here. Meantime I've slugged one izzietini in 10 mins and am on my second. Will be half cut by the time he gets here, I'm a lightweight. But still better than being a cheating arsehole haha Grin

1nogoingback3 · 19/04/2015 19:22

We rescued our boy a few years back. Paperwork in my name and so I'm hoping it won't be an issue....fingers crossed.

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