HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Reading everyone's posts,

Realising that perhaps some of the reason I was so dependent on his view of me to give me a sense of self worth might, just might, be down to him controlling me by keeping me down. Not just a fault in me. Food for thought here. I still care so much what he thinks of me and that has to stop. Building confidence is a tricky thing though, especially as work is so bad. Roz, 1, Bobs (and many more, so hard to keep track when using a phone) you are all an inspiration.

Right had estate agents round yesterday so that was a tiny move on divor e stuff, today I have to mark. I don't think it will be possible to get it all done but I intend to give it a good go. That in itself is good, I have been looking at huge piles of work and just freezing and getting nothing done.

Does anyway here know much about HR, can they force you to see 'their' doctor rather than someone new. I complained about their Dr after I saw him a year or so ago and am very nervous about him assessing my reliability. I have supportive GP and Consultant, both of whom see that working is tough but also that it is both necessary and good for me. I am good good at it too, although have not demonstrated that consistently recently.

Morning issie. A tidyish house is not too much to ask. My crew are all sooo messy. It can get you down when they are literally walking over things on the floor rather than actually bend down to pick them up. You sound as if you are mostly at 'meh'. I am getting there. Just a lapse atm. Weekends not good for me.

hobbit any photo fine for me. Bizarre how a Jess piccie can be so cheering. Another of life's mysteries. Will keep tuned.....

You ladies are lifesavers. (I know I keep on about it but it's true - thank you)

1, astounded, your twunt is using the same script as my twunt. Except I never begged, although I had spent most of the marriage trying to be what he wanted. Whatever that was. A stepford wife, I suspect.

The begging - twunt said to me late last year, "I'd have been gone months ago if you hadn't kept begging me to stay"

I pointed out I'd never begged him to stay.

"No you didn't" angry voice " You couldn't even do that to save our marriage".

And I keep thinking I can reason with this man.

Morning Wise One, Hobbit and Izzie. Trying to decide what to do with my Sunday.

Morning Roz it sounds like you are due a treat for your good work yesterday and as compensation for Twatchops. So that's a plan for today

1 what gets me down is that when I'm on top of things, I will get them helping. And when I'm just flopped out too tired, they seem to join in, so it adds insult to injury. They are good kids, but I have noticed this over the years. A case of while the cat's away I feel.

What I do miss about him is driving me to some of the places where parking is an issue. I feel I have to get there early to park. But it's not always possible because I have to drop DS2 at work at that time.....Other than that he can stay sodded off

At least your two express some regrets at leaving. My twat bastard shitbag hasn't. Well fuck him. Off to shops now. No apologies for my swearing!

Jess channeling her inner Audrey Hepburn @ Breakfast at Tiffanys, I hope you appreciate my efforts ladies, it's a good job I only use two fingers to type!

Roz yes the script is very similar. They must have bought the book!

I did so much begging. Mostly in fairness as I was so shocked, it was Xmas, GCSE year for DS2. I wish now that I hadn't - but maybe, with hindsight, it's given me time for the rose tinted spectacles to finally shatter.

Who knows. I'm emersing myself in work today. Just settling down in front of computer.
Enjoy the day all. X

And yes, she is wearing a tiara, and yes, she did object, but only until
I gave her a sausage!

Jess looking gorgeous - sorry about fingers hobbit - all in a good cause though

Enjoy shopping Izzie. Know what you mean about parking. I hate the driving though too.

I find that I have to get really cross with mine before they budge and tidy up and then they want a medal!! They've been living with their father too long.....

Do you keep a supply of ready cooked sausages on hand with which to bribe your dog, Hobbit?

It seems you are able to produce sausages when the occasion demands it.

Jess won't do your bidding ... so a sausage miraculously appears?

Do you have them in a box in the fridge marked 'Jess bribes' so your sons don't eat them?

Please explain where these sausages come from?

Yours in anticipation

Font.

Re sausage situation, Font,
Buy ready cooked mini sausages from Lidl< other sausages are available>
So when dress up dog is needed, solution to not losing fingers and getting said dog to sit and keep still whlle Hobbit Bailey, does her thing, is readily available.
Occasionally, she just gets pissed off and goes looking for innocent small furry rodents to massacre.
Yours in reciprocation,
Hobbit, x

Ps, son no 1 is vegetarian. So no sausage would pass his lips,

Son no2 is a very picky eater, so wouldn't entertain pork .
Ha haha, just read that back, sounds like a bad Carry On film script!
Pooh Matron!

That should read, 'OOOHH MATRON'
Pooh matron is another thread all together

I'm sitting waiting while DS gets ready to leave and dhead is coming to see him. I pretty much know he'll not come in, as last time I phoned the police to report him. Im really dreading the next week ahead as with DS gone DD will be lost and dhead likes to fill her head with sweetie mice. Did I tell you that despite being ill requiring pain and sleeping meds at night, he is demanding after 4 years of taking her to school in the mornings ( she has to be up at 6.30 and out for 7.30) that I now take her on roughly 40 mile round trip twice a day. He works 5 mins away but he knows I really struggle in early mornings because of pain. This is part of his plan to boot me out and move in, so he can show judge he's fit and healthy and I'm "unfit parent" ( his words ). Oh, almost forgot, he did say that if I freed up some cash for him he might reconsider !!!! So to get up in time I'm going to have to cut out half of meds at night and go to bed about 9pm but given that im not sleeping im panicking about getting her to school. Btw the whole basis on letting her go to a school so far away was on condition that her Dad took her in on mornings... I knew it would be difficult but she, backed by him demanded to go there. I was the afternoon collector. I know I'm off on one again but so worried because it's just another way of him bullying me into submission but in this case I have no choice.

Yesterday's encounters with twunt have really shaken me up. All the twisting of my words, absurd accusations, ridiculing my decisions, horrible. How did I live with it for so long?

I told him I didn't want contact with him except for legal and practical reasons and then by email. For some reason he hates that. Typical of me, apparently, to be so extreme. Unreasonable of me too, we can just be friends.

I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to hear how sad he is, this isn't what he wanted. He always downloads his emotional crap onto me. Well he left, he has to deal with his emotions himself now.

First time he left he regretted it and begged to come back, after 3 days. I said no and took steps to prevent him bombarding me with texts and calls. He fell apart completely.

Eventually I let him come back, believing his false promises. It lasted 6 weeks. No promises kept.

This time I told him not to get in touch again, except by email to sort out divorce. He turned up on my doorstep the next morning.

He won't respect my wishes for him to have little contact. Yesterday, I thought we'd meet up in a neutral place for the transaction and I looked up to see him in the garden.

It is damaging to me to have these interactions with him. I actually ended up googling " Am I an abusive spouse?" Again last night. I went through the Duluth wheel of control, segment by segment. Did he do any of the things on this segment? Then, do I do any of the things on this segment?

He always did several whereas the only thing I have done is to make him feel bad about himself and that isn't deliberate. It's me eventually getting angry or being sad. He doesn't want to hear me say I feel angry because he ended our 18 years of marriage with a text. That is me making him feel bad or guilt tripping him. As always he wants to silence me. I should only say and feel what he wants me to say and feel.

So today I'm feeling unhappy and disturbed. I think I'll go shower and think up something to do with my day. And not engage again.

Several in each segment of the Duluth wheel of control, I mean.

Pooh matron is another thread all together

I was reading some of the classics threads a week or so ago. Not a good idea when it hurt to laugh. I loved the poo type accidents one. I will never look at a ham sandwich again without having a laugh to myself

Jess thank you! very Breakfast at Tiffany's. As you know I bear a striking resemblance to her so I'm a bit disappointed that you missed the long cigarette holder in her gob....

And yes, I too wondered about the ready supply of sausages.

Well, I'm now a kosher DIY person. I have a proper sized toolbox, all black and dare I say, manly! I will spend hours organising it, sad cow that I am. Not today though

The driving thing, yes I'm not actually keen on driving either. I like driving to familiar places, but to get to the two massive out of town shopping centres I definitely have to psyche myself up before I head off.

I'm a bit wary of going to the DIY store because I think it may be the same one he goes to. I was trying to look all nonchalant and wondering how to react if I saw them and they saw me. Urgh perish the thought.

Good to hear from you Font.

Going to catch up on the other posts while feasting on mini cheddars. Too lazy to cook, despite being hungry

www.facebook.com/TheMasterShift/photos/a.132528563557104.29488.123685654441395/555507994592490/?type=1 saw this and thought of all of us

I was thinking earlier about how I was getting stressed about the cleaning not getting done. And then I thought to myself, I didn't feel like that a number of months ago, when he had first left. So the fact that I'm getting more conscious of the housework again is another sign that I'm heading in the right direction. It's no longer about trying to put one foot in front of the other, trying to get through one day at a time.

I'm very chuffed at myself going to the shops by myself. I never used to do that, I hated it. Now it's no big deal. Apart from the said parking, of course. I realise that I may have asked for his opinion about things when out, but quite frankly, I didn't take that much notice of it. So now I don't have to go through the "where are you going to put it" scenarios. For example, I bought one of those wordy pictures today, and some solar outdoor lights. I don't have a firm idea where I will put them, but I will put them somewhere nice. Probably on the wall and in the garden of course!

I do feel for those of you who have to engage with the twats. They are like the proverbial bad smells hanging around.

As for the school run Ali that is absolutely disgraceful. It still amazes me the depths they will plummet to get at some of you. Well it amazes me, but it doesn't anymore, I'm sad to say. It seems to be all too common. And the irony is that most of them took the decision to leave. I'm sorry, but I ended my marriage a number if years ago. Long story. But I never pulled any of these stunts. I was concerned for the ex, continued doing all the stuff I would normally do [we were living under the same roof] and actually shed a number of tears for what I had done to him. None of which has been reciprocated since he did a runner.

This is how I felt all the time, for years. Sad, exhausted, unmotivated, guilty, wrong. I've spent all morning doing nothing. I had been feeling good about my new life, now I feel worn out.

I will get back on track but yesterday's encounters knocked me for six. On the ropes again, I guess, but I will rise.

Sunday. Song Day.

Couldn't think of an appropriate song, so this is a bit of a tenuous link. Thinking of all the twunts who ran off and are too much of a coward to face up to their responsibilities.

I love Hobbit's phrase about not changing her personality "because some no mark did a runner". Well I'm not going to change or waste my life just because some no mark did a runner! He can stay in his fucked up little world, whoever he's with, cos I prefer my world.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ5-FoiBuVc

Hello everyone. Having a lazy day today, I've got tons of housework to do and I have no motivation to do it. DS went back to University on Friday and DD has a summer job so is working today. Have been out with the dog and while it's lovely and sunny it's blowing a gale so it's too cold to do anything in the garden. Can't even go to a DIY store here because they are not allowed to open on a Sunday.

Went for a swim and a massage with DD yesterday, was really nice. She seems a lot happier after the upset of this week. Just hope it stays that way.

I feel quite detached from Sid at the moment, meh even!! I can talk to him without feeling emotion or upset. I just want my children and myself to be happy, I'm not that fussed what he does as long as it doesn't upset my daughter (my son is fairly immune).

Will catch up with posts shortly.

Hello iwas meh is great, isn't it? Glad you had a good time with DD. I have to say, all of this business does seem to tighten the bond between mother and children. I haven't forgotten about the PM, I decided to have an early night again last night. I woke up naturally at 6. Very pleased about that, as I hate getting up late, it puts me out for the rest of the day.

I'm going to start taking a tonic now I've done with the antibiotics and my stomach has recovered.

Today at 1 PM DS1 is doing a skydive. Shit, had forgotten that's why he left the house at 4am this morning! Apparently yesterday the outlook wasn't too good for skydiving. I think I will have to go and do something now. Actually, it's just reminded me of my favourite Only Fools and Horses episode when Del Boy does some gliding. I'm trying NOT to think of dodgy parachutes. DS1 has elected to jump first. Shit!

Here it

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G7foe3IGwc