HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Here it is Hazell Dean - Who's Leaving Who (HQ) - YouTube
Video for who leaving who is it me is it you you tube hazel? 3:42
www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5xTAZhNKqc

Sorry - it's a bit eighties!

ali I think bobs right. I feel strangely upset sometimes when my twunt is away and I don't get any kind of a text. I am though much happier when he's away. Ridiculous I know but.......They get upset when we detach. I guess it works both ways somehow. KOKOx

I've long been of the opinion that people in abusive relationships suffer from Stockholm syndrome and even if they haven't been abusive in the past, the way they treat us after they decide to dump us for whatever reason or if we decide we've had enough, can certainly be described as abusive. I think I had Stockholm syndrome myself after six months of hell after his affair living with his anger and cruelty day in day out and unable to escape. Six months of no contact and lots of family support got me free but at times I was desperate for him to contact me even though my mind knew that was ridiculous.

So many posts - too many funny bits to comment on e.g. the "tosser " bits and yes " the poking in the eye with a stick" thing. Sorry not really funny! Just wanted to say a massive well done to you everyone on this lovely sunny - if nippy - day!

1 dont ever think you are going on - get it all out on here - this is your thread as much as anyone elses - for me it was my diary record of what was going through my head when it was hard - and sometimes putting it down on here you work out the answers. There is an attachment to these Twunts despite their behaviour because your attachment is to what you thought they were - once you realise that you were way off the mark this will begin to fade but it takes time and is a process to go through as and when you are ready.

And someone up thread says this never ends - My DD has just had a major meltdown so just when Im getting my shit together along comes another obstacle that the twunts no longer have to deal with but is purely as a result of their behaviour - in amongst it all " its not my fault" so god knows whats still going through her head.

I feel drained right now - need my steel balls to give me some strength

Thank you all for your kind words Izzie this bit resonated so much

It seems you are trying to distance yourself but he is starting to impose on you with the text messages. My advice. Which I find INCREDIBLY difficult to follow here, is to not answer anything that isn't of a practical nature. The immediate instinct is to come back at them with a number of well chosen comments, but it just escalates. If you can bear to seethe by yourself but not answer, believe me, you will feel better reasonably quickly. Ignoring someone sends out the most powerful message that you don't care. And depending on personality type, it's the best way to get back at someone. Eventually, ignoring will become second nature and the instinct becomes to ignore. It's not as simple as that, but it comes with practice

Yes! he texted me again last night and I IGNORED! however this time round he said "I know I took you for granted the last couple of years, lots of things going on and for this I am sorry" so thats it! he just thinks its a case of me being unhappy about being taken for granted! I am not going to respond. He must know its a lot more than that. Good luck with your painting today, I need to find another outlet and soon. My oldest thinks I should look at evening classes so that is my mission for next week.

WWK wise words, and thank you. Stupid thing is I really do know this, its hard isn't it when you are nodding away to some sound advice on here and come away feeling empowered by it then something happens and you act so stupidly, I do it then berate myself constantly. I do know that I am not going to put up with any shit ever again. I guess I am trying to fit myself into the persona I now "want to be" rather than the one that I am at this time. If that makes any sense. I know it will take time.

Iwas yes we do still see him at the old place when I collect my youngest from seeing him. Today however, I sent my oldest one up to get her while I waited in the car. Just could not be bothered dealing with him at all. I had fluffy ginger cuddles in bed this morning while on the ipad, it was lovely.

1nogoingback I am going to hang on in there, I have really started to enjoy Friday nights again, and weekends now because I don't have Mr Grumpy to deal with every day. Before I left him, I started to dread weekends sorry you are not feeling great though, hope you are better today. To be honest I am so used to lack of family support, especially from my father, this hasn't knocked me back as much as it would have done years ago, still, what the hell father!

Catching up

hobbit sorry about the name, I was trying desperately to think of a name change when I posted my original thread and was sat there with the TV on in the background and someone said it, I laughed and there it was. I love Jess, she looks to be such a sweetheart :)

Ali I feel the same way, I dread him texting me yet when he does I gain something from it I cannot determine what it is. But yes, its possibly the thinking of me bit. Like if he had paid me that sort of attention in our marriage maybe we wouldn't have split up (forget everything else) then I realise my thought process and its stupidity and start self flagellating again

I guess I am trying to fit myself into the persona I now "want to be" ......... If that makes any sense

It does to me, Steve, and I'm doing the same. The person who was married to him is disappearing. Well, the worst of me is.and the best of me is blossoming. Poetic ain't i haha

Do you think you should change your name, for Hobbit's sake? So she doesn't feel ill every time you post? Well, just your user name We could amuse ourselves by coming up with some suggestions for you. Well, I'm playing, even if nobody else is......

So to continue the theme, how about "SomeMightSay"?

And of course, it does mean you get your very own theme tune

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fLR3FRaFsQ

How about AccordingtoMe ?

Good one bobs

This article about men's roles may be of interest

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3044380/The-denigration-men-Ridiculed-abused-exploited-triumph-feminism-today-s-men-second-class-citizens-argues-deliciously-provocative-new-book-s-time-chaps-fought-back.html

Ha ha, I would appreciate a name changeSteve my love
How about ' AccordingtoJess' ? Or according to anyone or anything apart from ' that' name!

It's a lovely day in the arse end of nowhere today, guess who's been out for lunch and a few drinkypoos? .... Yes, correctomundo , Jess!
Nah, me again, but in my defence m'lud , I'm back in work tomorrow, so had to end my week of birthday celebrations with a bang....

To all the ladies in the bar who are at the beginning of this process, ( don't call it a journey, I hate that glib phraseology, we're not going anywhere!)
Please don't feel you're not coping as well, or doing the right or wrong things in the right or wrong order, as the wise old owl WWK says, it's not a competition, you don't get a medal at the end for being the best at divorce, this shit is SO HARD, we all deal with it in different ways, at our own pace, and some of us are further along than others.

I deal with shit by using humour, that's what I've always done, and I ain't changing my personality just because some no mark has done a runner.
KOKO, ladies, p.s. I might have had wine..... Xx

Aargh I couldn't even get to the end of that. No prizes for guessing what will be at the top of my STBXHs Christmas list. Something else to stroke his massive ego and join in the chorus of poor me.

I ain't changing my personality just because some no mark has done a runner

A Hobbit classic

Well actually According looks can be, and in fact are , very deceiving in Jess's case, because she is a nowty, loud, aggressive little bitch, in all senses of the word. In fact, only this morning she killed a mouse, < or vole or shrew> that had the temerity to come into her territory, ie.garden.

There I was, hanging out the smalls, and there she was, with a mutilated rodent in her gob, all nonchalant like...

I had the devil of a job trying to get it off her, obviously she was very proud of her achievement, and wanted to display it to my sons, so chuffed was she with her cleverness. In the end, a sausage was given to get her to open her mouth, and said mouse was given a decent send off, by throwing it over the hedge into the field at the back. So, although she looks cute, she is a terminator at heart, especially where rodents are concerned.

Well they say dogs take after their owners

Well, Bobsy that's you off my Christmas card list! How very dare you,

Here she is exhausted after mouse killing adventure;
RIP Mickey or Minnie, < don't know how to tell the difference >
Also the last thing poor mousie saw,

Tee hee - well if it's any consolation mine was extremely farty and his breath honked

Mice, birds, frogs, toads, bats, butterflies, daddy long legs........I once got a friend round to get a bluebottle out of my conservatory. I refused to go in there until it was gone. I still refuse to leave the back door open because I saw a few mice on the patio over the years. Previously to that, refused to leave the back door and window open at my mum's house because a bird flew in the window.

I'm ok with bees and wasps, despite being stung loads of times.

hobbit with thanks to bobs TA-DAAAAA! New name change!

I have two adorable cats here at home with me. My older boy was a definitive hunter-killer in his youth, we used to live out in the sticks in Cornwall, he would come home with voles, mice, frogs, baby rabbits. One baby rabbit very much alive and kicking and running around my downstairs one morning.

My new baby boy is a rescue, and I have been told he is a house cat although he seems very interested in following my older one out into the garden recently. He is really timid though so i dont think he would go far even if he did go out.

Heres a pic of them both together, my older boy is the black and white one. Believe it or not the ginger one is only 18 months old, still a baby. he is going to be HUGE!

Izzie its the daily fail after all. They have an article on there today about the best open air swimming pools and apparently one can see the Isle of Wight from the Tinside Lido in Plymouth..Yeah right! Idiots

Well, I'm no where near meh . Saw Twunt today, practical reasons, and despite the fact my new life is going quite well (apart from all the undone things) I was filled with rage and hurt. I could barely be civil. When he asked me to not be angry I told him he just didn't want to see the hurt and damage he'd caused. I think that's true, if I'm happy and friendly he can tell himself it's all ok, he wasn't such a bastard after all. But he was and I'm not going to be "friends" when I'd never be friends with someone who treated me as he has done.

Bastard. Fucker.

I guess meh comes and goes and anger is healthy when someone has tried to destroy you. For much of our marriage I believe he actually was trying to do that. So I'm healthily filled with murderous rage.

Tonight I'm working, my manager has entrusted me with running an event. Only small, but I've got keys and codes and everything. Big jump in responsibilities. So I'll be ok, eventually. Meh will come and live still my house permanently.

But for now, I hate the little shit. He's not right, as my dad would have said. Meaning, he's not normal, something's wrong and a bit of distance has made it more apparent.

Rozalia it is very very important to my exH that we are "friends" too. I feel exactly the same, I cannot be friends with someone who treated me they way he did for so long and feel nothing but hate for. I long for the Meh!

Good luck tonight

Thanks According, will report back later unless I actually lose someone in the dark forest and I'm still out there looking for them.

Do you think these "men" want us all to be jolly good friends to sooth that vestigial organ that passes for their conscience? " I can't be that much of a bastard, we still chat."