HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Hope it's not my name, Izzie ,

Thanks ladies. Just been sitting here analysing. Wish I could follow my own bloody advice.

I've never quite been good enough for him. I'm not sure our children have been either and that breaks my heart that I know, deep down in their psyche, they feel that they're not good enough. I should have left years ago. Even now that I've given up and accepted that it is what it is, that's not good enough and I have to take a full on 100 percent of the blame. I could pin myself to a bloody cross screaming that it's all my fault and I've been a terrible wife and do you know what, that wouldn't be good enough either. Sorry I'm ranting.

He actually had the cheek to suggest that I was feeling more relaxed because I'd met someone else. My god, my life is falling apart, I'm either at work or at home 24/7 and he accuses me of having an affair!!!!!!I did ask him how the hell he'd even think anyone would put up with such a selfish cow who 'had let herself go', become 'obsessed with her job' and was such a lousy wife, lover etc etc etc. That shut him up....

Feeling relaxed? What an eejit!
1 repeat after me;
It is not my fault, I did not deserve this. Ad infinitum.

Hobbit glad you're enjoying your birthday week I have a good use for those pliers - they look just about small enough

Izzie listen to your body. You had a serious infection. Just do everything a half pace. I ended up in hospital after my Mum died as I was trying to do too much. Ended up poking myself in the eye with a stick and fainting! They were even checking my weight (bit low!) taking BP every hour overnight, and asking if there were any other problems. It was a real shock and I slowed down after that. The problem is that by doing loads I was keeping my mind off all the shitty stuff.

hoping it's not me that has Fanny Funnyfarm's name

WWK I think we all have a mistaken belief that when it's over it's over, but obviously not. They just want all the shite to go on and on. Can you at least get him pay the costs of having to get the lump sum off him? Hope the book's going well

1 I should imagine it's been brewing for a while. Hope you got out everything you needed to say. If you have, then good for you. Shame DS had to hear it. Hopefully you can now just maintain a dignified silence to any further barbs and not rise to it - at least until exams are over. Whatever he says, you have done brilliantly holding down a full time job and maintaining the house and DC (single handedly a lot of the time) And as your marriage is in effect over, you don't have to be at home with his supper ready any more, do you?

PS I knew mine was well and truly over when he told me my place was with him and the DDs instead of organising my Mum's funeral!

iwas - a belated hello back from last night I was doing taxi runs for DD2 most of the night. Hopw you're doing ok. I keep dipping in and out of your thread so have an idea of the shit you're going through.

Well, if you want a laugh ladies, he's come back from his walk and is ironing his shirts. I can say, hand on heart, that I think it's the first time in 20 plus years I've seen him with an iron in his hand. He's plonked himself in the middle of the room with his music blaring. Do you think he's making a statement?? He'll have to learn how to use the washing machine, dryer etc etc and good luck to him and his next victim - my god she'll need it..

haha Hobbit get thee to't gym. You probably still have alcohol for blood in those veins. In fact, my guess is you have plans for more alcohol tonight so are prepping yourself (I know I do)

morning all

izzie go you lovely day for gardening.

why hope you are ok after nisi - bit of music caught me off guard this morning but what i actually think is that I had been feeling pretty unhappy for quite a while but had stuck with it!

hobbit - hope you have had a good birthday week

well think I will be following you in the selling off of stuff soon -amazing how much crap we accumulate!

im reading all posts but this thread moves so quickly - cant keep up with everyone but lots of support coming in on here - its great to see!

have something to add to the "dad" reference and a new take on the "disney" dad - this is X but rather than doing "nice" things with the kids he saves all his boring things for them such as haircut, food shopping,car washing and so is referred to as "disney" dad but as "taking the Mickey" seems like kids are just another "chore"

Its so strange how my course seems to be tying in with every stage of what is going on in RL at the moment - talking about childhood beliefs and influences into adulthood.

Bought a new book yesterday to add to collection - "How to deal with difficult people" - written by someone into mindfulness and emotional intelligence and it dawned on me at some stupid time this morning that X (as he is now known) sees both myself and DS as difficult people whereas not DD -thats why his relationship is so different with her - the irony of this is she sees him as he is! whereas took me years and think DS is still processing! - will no doubt be posting some snippets of info as resident psychologist!

Just a last thought for you all and this is how powerful the mind can be - I have one more week of treatment left and due to the company I have had and the change of routine it has been like a holiday. The trips to hospital have been supplemented with coffees, lunches out, and shopping trips - just a general break away from old routine and how we choose to think about things can put a totally different perspective on something and has made a difficult experience pretty good!

I am believing more and more each day that we have the power in ourselves to make any experience what we want it to be - we can make it simple or complicated, we can make it easy or hard, we can chose to learn something or for things to stay the same, we can worry about the past or the future or just live with it as it is and accept it. This is a completely new way of looking at things for me as those from the early threads will know. But I have always believed that things happen for a reason and had I just accepted this and gone with the flow my anguish may have been a lot less!

KOKO ladies xxxx

It's not my fault. I did not deserve this. It's not my fault I did not deserve this. Thank you all. Feeling calmer again all. DS hiding in bed. I wish I'd left at Xmas now. You're right though bobs not long til exams now. I will ignore further barbs from him. Tosser. (Hate that word normally but is most appropriate)

"He actually had the cheek to suggest that I was feeling more relaxed because I'd met someone else"

So there you have it 1 that's why he caused an argument. Brilliant response btw (go to the top of the class!!!) It must be all that time you spend on your ipad (on MN) that has him rattled. He obviously hates the fact you "appear" to be moving on and he's losing you....go you!

Just remember - dignified silence (especially in front of DS) and MEH - you are doing so well

He is the tossiest tosser in the whole of Tossland, 1 my love, KOKO babe, x

Hi green so glad you are doing well - must be all that psychobabble stuff you're learning xx

I personally prefer 1 's word - Tosser. It's a great word - tosser, a word I use often to describe him - tosser, a word I find satisfying to say (or write) - tosser, very, very appropriate - tosser!!!! much better than that horrid no 6 word !

Can anyone tell I'm getting just a tad worked up?! Am thinking the next couple of weeks could be quite interesting. I might even have to PM you for some advice WWK if you don't mind?

Thanks bobs . I hadn't thought of it like that. Yes, it will be a dignified silence from now on. Deep breath....

Yes, perhaps tosser not such a bad word. Tosser, tosser, tosser.

Thank you all those who commented about me needing to slow down and recuperate. I should remember how absolutely awful that infection was. The last thing I want is for it to recur. I have done a little bit in the garden, come in for a rest and to have a little potter indoors. I think this should be a planning sort of day for me if I want to keep occupied. I do feel exhausted, as I'm sitting here typing this. My poor body would have buggered off and left me a long time ago if it could have, citing neglect as unreasonable behaviour.....

It's you, Why, your bloody name! When I read your last PM, I got to the end of it and read your name and did a big Kevin sigh.

bobs I couldn't help laughing at the scenario of you poking your eye with a stick and fainting, sorry! Reminds me of the time the ex actually stood on a rake haha.

1 him ironing his shirts haha! this should create endless amusement if you were bothered enough to watch him. As for using the washing machine, well that will be even funnier.

Will catch up properly later, I'm off to have a little potter around.

How very dare you Bobs my love, no 6 word very eloquent in describing complete lack of any moral, emotional , or financial fibre from stbxh's.
Tee HEE !

hobbit loving jess's pics - my dog does anything for a biscuit usually - but not sure i could get him to dress up .

1 - this What he doesn't actually realise is that stupidly I pretty much did. - me too but he didnt see it - guess some people cant see what they do have! and 1 it wasnt you that wasnt good enough - it was him that didnt live up to his own version of himself he created! -but he couldnt blame himself has to be everyone else's fault - there is another common theme here - it is us women that have been supporting these men all the way through - taking on more & more of their slack whilst they bury themselves in work - maybe this is something to do with general dissatisfaction with themselves - they work harder to be more successful thinking this will filter into their personal life but what it is actually doing is destroying their personal life - they neglect their wife and kids and when their wifes start noticing take this as a rejection of themselves and are not man enough to think that a woman may be right on this! and so find a new woman instead!

izzie hope its not me with fannys name (love the word Fanny!) conjures up an image opposite to steel balls! - you are going to have to tell us who it is - agree with the others take a day off & chill - it will still be there tomorrow!

hi bobs - yes learning lots of psychobabble but im a convert - mind over matter all the way - if I can do this anyone can- i now get why people "preach" because they want to share what they have found/learnt!

im building up too i think though so will be some wobbles along the way shortly.

I need to get up still in bed - old life would have blitzed the house by now - new life - there's always tomorrow

and should have added what can we do thats fun!

and one last observation before i get out of bed- funny how i have noticed that all the twittwoo nonsense seems to have died a death since i have not been so interested and otherwise engaged! maybe its what mother has said all along - relationships with OW get fuelled by discussing the evil witches! my response to this I no longer GIVE A SHIT!

Green the comment about their work. I'm not the only one on here, I'm sure, to say that their work was the biggest single factor involved in the marriage going pear shaped.

Your last point re OW, absolutely! Once we are out of the equation it's just boring reality and the same old shit, except with someone else and minus their kids, their own home and home comforts.

I knew it ! After a day of feeling superior to dhead yesterday I dreamt about him all night ! My DS is heading back to uni on Sun and I know I'm going to be told that dhead is taking him to airport. They had their big farewell dinner at his mate's house where he's staying. ( just for anyone who has watched Twi and a half men ) My DS jokingly referred to dhead as Alan from that... Certainly made me laugh... Maybe I should just call him that from now but I kind of prefer dhead !
So this nightmare involved dhead/ Alan telling me as us usual that he is controller and will be taking DS to airport. Now, as I'm doing as advised and ignoring texts from him or being incredibly careful what I text .. In this dream I went and got a gigantic card ( you know like the massive Valentine ones ) and filled it with ( please excuse ) 'You are the biggest C*t I've ever known you manipulating, bullying big fat cty C*t etc etc filled every space in and delivered it along with his clothes that are in bin bags in my garage !
Woke up thinking shit thank God that wS just a dream but then actually started to feel sad again.... Why ? Why can I just not switch off for good ? I get it, he left, he was a bully and a controller and emotional abuser of the highest order.. But why, despite his multiplying abusive texts do I still feel love for this man?
I cope better when he's being a bastard who is texting.. Is that because I get satisfaction that he's losing control ? Why should I then go feeling love for this man who is trying to kick me out of my own home and take my DD from me. Do I deep down wish he'd come back ?? That would make me so weak and I don't want that ... I want be kick ass Ali

green you've hit the nail in the head there about him thinking that devoting more and more time to work is what his family wanted or needed. In my case, he needed to be successful for his own self esteem I think. He says it was all for us but all I ever wanted was him and our family. I'm not materialistic and never have been but he'll now bandy about the phrase, 'money grabbing cow' when it's been him who wanted the trappings of success and not me. He wants two cars just for himself, flashy TVs etc. He basically wanted it all. Children who admired him, a wife who worshiped him etc etc. It really is/was all about him. What did he have to do to create this idyl.......just as he pleased it seems. I feel it became my job to make him happy but it was an impossible job - a lose, lose situation because he's incapable of being satisfied with anything. I feel sorry for him in someways. I can leave him but he can't leave himself.

Enough already. Sorry ladies I'm going on.

izzie look after yourself.

Thanks ladies you are lifesavers

I'm going on again. I noticed I wrote 'I can leave him' when this splitting up idea was his. I've moved on. I feel as if I'm doing the leaving now.... Progress! There is no going back. Isn't there a song 'who's leaving who?' I must check.

ali it's a mystery to us all, that we often fear that we'd have them back despite everything. It's probably the life we all wanted with our OHs that we want back and not the reality of what our lives became. Isn't there something called Stockholm syndrome whereby people who have been kidnapped and treated appallingly still form a relationship with their captors that they 'grieve' upon their release? The mind can do strange things. This is more greens department than mine though. You're doing really well from what I've read?

I think we would all agree that in life there are givers and takers. No to sound sexist but we have it inbuilt in us to be the former. At some point we realise we are not getting anything back (selfish us!), and when we question this we start to see the light.

And we are not money grabbing cows - it's they who think they should keep everything they have worked so hard for. We are merely window dressing to be tossed aside.

Ali "I cope better when he's being a bastard who is texting"

Sorry but could it be that when you get his texts, regardless of what they say, you know he is thinking of you? Your feelings are normal and at the moment he is screwing with your brain. Your WILL eventually get to Kick Ass Ali