Ali3 well done on seeing a debt advisor and doing your best to get on things. I read elsewhere on MN, that when they leave, if you assume you will get no help, and plan that way, then it helps you adjust quicker (it also pisses controlling bastards off more!!). As hard as it is, have a good brainstorming session on how you can just 'cut him out'. I realise that's not going to be easy to do, but as hard as it might be short term to adjust, it will help you long-term avoid being manipulated, and reduce the need for contact. I realise that I got a lot of shite from MrSW because I just seemingly "got on" with things - he really, really hated it, and it enraged him sometimes. But it also helped me get some self-esteem back so it was rewarding. Am delighted you've contact WA as well. You will come out of this tremendous empowered but right now it doesn't get much worse. Keep going!
Fuckit hello again, I missed your second post. Personally, I'd try to deal with your employment issue first, and mediation second. Both are highly emotive issues, so need the utmost care and attention. And well done you for not sending the text! Saves you letting him into YOUR home to disturb you (even if its by text abuse!). Your home is your sanctuary. He left. Keep him out.
Steve huge welcome. You've arrived in a great place. At six weeks, of course, you are struggling! It's hard this shit, y'know! So far you're managing small things like getting utility bills sorted out. That's enough for now. As for the big things: it's very hard when your own family offer nothing by way of support, or adverse support. (Mutual sympathy here!)
Meh comes when you figure out what's important in life. Being married to shit is just as bad as being related to shit. I refuse to be defined by shit. AND I am learning to not tolerate shit.
We married badly because we knew no different. Do now. One day at a time, and you'll come out of this a very different person than went in. Which means neither will you be in the shit nor tolerate shit. Compassion, however, is a whole other story. I will leave this shit behind with a lot more compassion.
So, if I'm going to give you one or two pieces of advice. No bloody contact and no letting shit people define or manipulate or, worse of all GUILT you. Start working out your own path. KOKO.
Izzie I am, genuinely, proud that you no longer contact him. I feel my work with you is done! And I love the endless support you offer others. You're doing so well. And I'm glad you're back on the mend.
Tabby good to see you again. Agree with you: time is the best healer, but also like you've experienced: you know that their 'flashes' of anger, and behaviour gets easier to predict because you get to recognise the patterns, and once you've figured that out: you can force Meh when it actually happens. Remember the 17 emails in a night? I could never have imagined that I'd find that kind of barrage hysterically funny (and I was a teeny bit quite drunk) but knowing it was coming switched on my Meho-meter, and I was determined to be maxed-out meh about it. Yes it wasn't so funny a few days later...but actually it all amounted to nothing come the final hearing, so overall my determined Meh approach got me through...
So, Meh comes as a consequence of any of the following:
a) because you force it,
b) you actually stop giving a shit about their behaviour
c) you fall in love with meh and
d) intuitively you think: "who gives a fuck about their opinion?" They left. They can just fuck off with the rest of it.