HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Family sorry you have had to endure such a difficult day but good that you can see your gardening achievements. Pulling up nasty weeds is very cathartic - I took out much of my divorce rage digging up ever multiplying dandelions on my lawn.

Bobs Cassa I also did everything for our family before ExH buggered off. Not that he would agree as obviously houses and families run themselves, don't they. He had no idea re finance, so much so that his classic comment was that 'nothing would change' when we separated - what do you mean - we don't have enough money to run two houses to the same standard as our current one house? No shit Sherlock.
Though I did find it funny that the first holiday he went on alone it took him 3 hours to get from airport to hotel (15 min journey) ....because he hadn't booked a transfer (see I would have sorted all that before) and he couldn't work out how to get a taxi!

Bobs My ExH gift was that he also took his horrible snoring and snorting (ear clearing - ewwww) with him. Def don't miss that!

Hobbit wtf with the offer of a holiday to get over it? The complete lack of any kind of comprehension about how this affects you! But still, I would take the money and go somewhere wonderful.

To everyone else you are all doing great at the whole KOKO thing.

iwas thanks for your PM. I will reply tonight x

Morning Ladies

quick post from me this morning today I am half way to no longer being married and heard our theme song in a bar last night - all good signs that things are going in the right direction!

the greatest gift - that I can be happy -knowing that it is good to care - being emotional is not a weakness but a strength and showing gratitude for what I have!
KOKO Ladies big hugs today for you all xxx

So yesterday was difficult as on top of seeing a debt adviser ( exh loved to spend money he didn't have) the text bombarding started again. He has my brand new car that I put £7000 into... He left me a 10 yr old car he bought on credit card. He wants to sell it and pay off his c card but also just for fun keep my car. So I told him no, it had to go through solicitors. ( his friend is car salesman who would fiddle the receipts to his advantage). So he cracked up and when I didn't respond he told me that He was stopping taking our dd into school in the mornings ( unless I paid out). The deal for her being at her choice of school was made on condition he drove her there in mornings. I take medication because of illnesses resulting from brain tumour ( partially removed). He knows this is the one thing I struggle with because my meds make me tired in the morn. She needs up at 6.30 to get to school. I've been getting her up ( and occasionally taking her to school, foregoing meds and sleep) but he had still been driving her in. ( he also works nearby school)
So because of stress of him leaving my doc upped my meds to try and get sleep but he's claiming he can't afford the extra diesel to come take her to school. Despite the fact that was their thing and he's done it for last 4 years. Everything he is doing is because he is in serious financial trouble but rather than sort that, he wants to sort me ! Out of house, his life, his car and my kid's lives. I told him the agreement was always he takes her, I collect her but do I call his bluff ... Forego all my meds to take her in or hold my ground. All this and he works late, is on call lots and will be away to different courses for weeks across the world and I'd be doing double runs then... He is still demanding I leave our home, because I'm such an unfit parent and dd wants him back ( nothing to do with him emotionally manipulating her of course) . The one thing that is getting easier though, is my ability to despise him !!! 22 years and until 2 days ago I still massively loved him, now I'm finding his bullying helpful in hating him. I'm also getting a domestic violence officer coming to see me regarding his harassment.... It's not physical stuff, he's just always controlled me. Sorry I'm still complaining... Just waiting on some form of release from this man.

Ali whose name are the cars in? Hopefully if he tells DD he is going to stop driving her to school - for whatever reason (ie he earns the big bucks and he can't afford it!) this will help her to see the light as it were!

Once you are totally separated is there any way you could get extra help taking DD to school - you being poorly and all? Perhaps something to explore

Stay strong - and yes, despising them does help

Hi y'all , gonna see the Simpsons exhibition in Liverpool today, Jess has been choosing her favourite episode! Carrying on my birthday celebrations all week, catch up later, xx

Hi Guys

Some things done, some things not. Today I will just get through, tomorrow I will too! Now that sounds a bit better.

Family, how are you? I am still living in dread of his baby being born. It is so hard because I hate the mother, love and despise the father but would always want everything good for a baby.

I am being very slow at all this, maybe partly because work is horrid right now. How do you stop loving? Together 32 years, split up 2. Although it was only recently that I knew in my heart there was no going back. I really want the meh guys!

Top tips please. Would be great to find the meh before mediation and I need to make an appointment. I wrote him a long text last night, all my worries, all my secret woes, all my disappointment. However I DID NOT send it. A tiny step I think.

Texting? Again any tips?

Hobbit have a good weekend, Izzie I would love to see the kitchen. Bobs you are doing great- I want some of your back bone and ability to work a spreadsheet! Roz you are going through shit but still have a sense of humour!

Ali was the debt adviser useful? I have more debts than assets - a bit scary when at 50 I am facing enforced medical retirement or sacking.

I think I need to join you here if this is ok, I'm struggling massively at the moment!

We split officially at the beginning of March and I have been in my own place here, been trying to do the "detach, detach" thing but we are in touch about my youngest daughter and contacts. She is nearly 12 and I have left her contacts as up to her. I think I need to firm something up in this area but have been garnering the strength to approach this and have not yet felt ready. Have been busy at work, dealing with utility companies etc to set up home properly here.

However, he has been slowly creeping in with the "not so subtle" text messages. I tole my father about our splite a couple of weeks ago. I explained the best i could as to what happened but to be honest the man would never recognise EA, as he is the biggest emotional abuser on the planet.

My father texted him a message of support at the weekend after I told him about the split. Ive not heard a bloody thing from my father since I told him.

Ex has not told his parents yet but he has told his sister. She has gone very very cold on me since. I have had too much wine on a couple of occasions been drawn into this texting argument which he can easily claim wasnt started by him but I reacted to.. perfect example "You got what you wanted"

sorry for typos

To me Meh is about indifference, not love, not hate just not caring too much. Time is the most obvious thing you need for that but that's not something you can force. I find it actually helps when he is mean and cruel because I see the real him and let's face it during divorce we get to see plenty of meanness and cruelty. Once the anger and hurt dies down you achieve a little bit more Meh each time and it snaps you out of nostalgia and missing him. Also reading up and learning about abuse. Once again it helps to recognise the real person he has become and stops me pining for the past.

Welcome AccordingtoSteve. The beginning of March is no time at all so don't beat yourself up if you are struggling. Forget that lot who are supporting him he probably told them a whole lot of lies but it must be very hurtful that it includes your own father. Do you have any friends who were always your friends rather than couple friends if you know what I mean? Start telling them they will support you and believe you.

Steve you know how it is when someone tells you something? You recognise that it's their spin on the matter, and you draw your own conclusions. Well, whatever you or he says, people will make up their own minds. I say, as Tabbie says, forget what may or may notbe being said by his cronies, who cares about their opinions? Stick with people who know and understand you better. Don't bother getting drawn into a war of who did what with people who want nothing more than a bit of gossip, just stick with your own. You certainly find out who your friends are when you split.

Of course, as you took the decision to leave, he will relish playing the victim. Whatever. You left him for a very good reason, so don't bother now about what he is up to, you are less involved with him than when living together, so try not to get sucked into more awful stuff even though living apart.

How to get to meh? Well, yes, as Tabbie says, it's a state of indifference. It helps massively to have your own focus, your own interests, projects, whatever. Anything that is all about you. Or you and DD. As you've read the thread already you will be aware that I'm doing loads of decorating. The beauty of that is that it gives me a focus, I have to plan things etc etc, and the end result is pleasing. Find something to occupy your mind similarly. And gradually you will realise that actually you're bored bored bored with his nonsense because you have more interesting things to focus on. It's definitely about finding something else for the brain to focus on.

It seems you are trying to distance yourself but he is starting to impose on you with the text messages. My advice. Which I find INCREDIBLY difficult to follow here, is to not answer anything that isn't of a practical nature. The immediate instinct is to come back at them with a number of well chosen comments, but it just escalates. If you can bear to seethe by yourself but not answer, believe me, you will feel better reasonably quickly. Ignoring someone sends out the most powerful message that you don't care. And depending on personality type, it's the best way to get back at someone. Eventually, ignoring will become second nature and the instinct becomes to ignore. It's not as simple as that, but it comes with practice.

Rant all you want on here. When he next texts, get in here and let rip.

Do I recognise your name from another thread?

I bet any money he has...........not owned up to any responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage

Is the Pope Catholic??

Do I recognise your name from another thread?

........wanders onto the iwas thread and there you are

The builders have finished so the shower is now done. I can't help feeling a bit guilty, I suppose, that we get the shower he wanted. Anyone brought up a Catholic will recognise the Catholic guilt complex coming into play here. That's why my sons were never christened or baptised! I must remind myself that not only am I not religious, but that it was his choice to walk out on his family, his home and all his familiar surroundings. Losing a shower is the least of his problems. Sometimes, though, I do have a little smirk about the shower......

Hobbit Liverpool indeed. If I had known I was going to split with the ex I could have come to visit you when we were last oop North. How far are you from there?

Evening all. Just had a quick catch up. I'll think about car Izze. Hadn't thought about it like that. Other than the emotional support on this thread - the practical advice is so useful too - especially with a serious case of spaghetti head going on.

Welcome newbies. You've come to the right place. Feel for you Steve re lack of family support. Must be so tough. None of us really have much choice but 'to hang on in there' at the moment. Personally I wouldn't waste too much energy worrying about what others think/say. Separating and divorce seems to me to be totally exhausting. In fact the last time I felt quite this tired I was caring for newborns! I've learnt to tell myself that 'it is what it is' and analysing the whys and wherefores is too emotionally draining and pointless. I know it's easier said than done. In fact, feel sad tonight. I used to love Friday nights

Fuckit ... Yes go to see a proper Charity run debt management adviser !! Definitely... I'm 45 and my husband took all my money and I allowed myself get into debt to cover his ass. I am actually medically retired from work. The relief of seeing the debt manager was huge ... Massive weight off my shoulders. But - my credit history was already shit because of dhead's debts I tried to help with and me not having a job. Our house is in negative equity and in NI we don't have bailiffs. ( though I'm sure there is a solution for this too) . I basically had to give adviser list of who and what I owed. His end solution for me is bankruptcy but he is beginning with voluntary offers of £1 per month. I had no idea this was possible. Although bankruptcy sounds very scary, due to my credit rating being so poor anyway it would make no difference to me as I would not be able to either get finance or a mortgage. Hence both cars being in my dhead's name. I had received comp for med negligence and put £7000 deposit on car whilst he took the finance and I also paid a 1/3 of monthly payments. The rest of my comp he went through until it ran out with him quickly after it.
Now, I can't actually do the bankruptcy bit for a while because my solicitor might think she needed money up front. I'm waiting on legal aid certificate. Also I know the bankruptcy f*s with his life as he's not allowed to do this in his job but it will certainly now screw him getting finance. Do I feel guilty ? Hell no ! Not after what he has put me through recently! So my monthly repayments on credit cards have gone from £600 -£700 to £6
In 6 years my credit history will hopefully be cleared and hopefully in 7 yrs when dhead is due his 30 year payout from job, I will get half that and half pension .... IF things go ok.
My house can't be repossessed because of negative equity and even if dhead stops paying his half of mortgage then he defaults, gets in trouble in work and I'm still in the same shit position. He is doing his damnedest to get me out of this house and eventually it will have to be sold but before then I'll be bankrupt and hopefully getting ( eventually ) spousal maintenance to rent somewhere. At times I have been convinced ( actually last few weeks) that he will succeed in kicking me out to get moving in with our daughter but I'm starting to get the tiniest bit of 'meh' back lol
From his persistent abusive texts, I can only assume that he is now starting to think wtf have I done and why is she suddenly fighting back and not giving in like the usual weak soul she is. Anyhoooo yes debt adviser ( not these ones on Internet, proper charity funded people who aren't out to make money off you just help you ) are the ones to see. I had nothing to lose. The fact that I am even able to refer to dhead in this way is huge, mega progress for me... For today anyway !
I also have Women's Aid helping and a domestic violence officer coming to see me on Monday even though it's more about mental abuse ( except for the fact that he has a gun ). I'm starting to feel that somewhere, maybe months away still, there is light at the end of the tunnel ! I just hope my kids are there with me

Absolutely agree that where there are severe financial difficulties you should see a charity based advisor. Start with Citizens Advice if in UK. I would also check out Martin Lewis' money site, it seems to cover allsorts. I can't give any specific advice because I've personally not been in that situation, but coming from a finance background. I can only stress that any debt management should be done via Citizens Advice. Forget all the adverts you see re debt management, I wouldn't touch them with a barge pole.

Ali you made a comment that the house can't be repossessed due to negative equity. It's a while since I worked in finance, but it always used to be that a house could be repossessed by the mortgage company if in arrears. Obviously the company has to go through the legal channels. Anyway, once the house has been repossessed the company can sell the house and use the proceeds to repay the outstanding mortgage. Any surplus would be handed back to the mortgage payers. Any deficit, ie negative equity, the mortgage payers are still liable for the debt, and the mortgage company can still go after them until repaid. Sorry. I really can't see why there would be any change in this. A mortgage is nothing more than a secured loan. So, same as with, for example a credit card debt, which is an unsecured loan, both are liable for complete repayment.

To clarify, a house can be repossessed if repayments to the mortgage are not maintained

The other point I've just picked up from rereading the post is that a mortgage is a joint and several liability. To put it in simple terms, a joint bank account is opened with joint and several liability. This means that if any debt is incurred on the account, the bank can go after either of the parties or both of them to get their money back. It makes no difference who ran up the debt. So both parties are individually responsible for the entire debt. If the bank decides to seek repayment from just one of the parties, and doesn't go after the other, that is their choice. That party is liable to repay the entire debt. The bank can of course go after both parties, but the fact remains that each person is entirely responsible to repay the entire debt.

To return to your mortgage therefore, it makes no difference as to what personal arrangements you and the ex have to pay the mortgage. Therefore if the mortgage is in arrears, he can't claim it is because you're not paying "your share". Under joint and several liability he is still liable for the whole of the repayments by himself.

Hello Steve I've wondered how you are and have meant to ask on your thread. Sorry you are struggling at the moment. I know you've had difficulties with your family and sorry that your dad has let you down when you needed his support.

It is difficult not to respond when you get a text that riles or upsets you. As Izzie says try and ignore as much as possible I know that is hard Do you still see him regularly at your old place?

Try not to focus on the support that your ex is getting. People don't always want to get too involved and will say sympathetic words about how difficult it must be for your ex to him because they don't really know what to say. People who know you will be sympathetic to you and give you support, those that don't are not worth your time anyway. Concentrate on your own support and friends and don't worry about his. You will get lots of support here and if you ask nicely Izzie might get you an Izzietini!

Pleased your new cat has settled in well. and

So, Ali, your ex may have screwed you financially by shifting his debts into your name, but unless he ensures repayments are kept up on the mortgage, he will be in financial shit himself. I'm assuming he is named on the mortgage of course. I hope the slimy bastardisation doesn't realise any of this and drops himself in it

Bastard I mean.

Hello iwas, izzietinis on the bar for you and Steve.

I nearly fell asleep a number of times at work today. I'm sooo professional! So do you mind if I reply to you tomorrow instead, so I can have an early night? I'm sure you don't, you lovely woman