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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

999 replies

WellWhoKnew · 11/04/2015 00:19

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

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42
Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 20:51

Why did I ask him to look into extra cover, rather than do it myself? Because I know he will do it, and I have better things to do with my time. He can interpret it as he wants, I've done enough stuff myself to prove I'm independent. Anyway, he knows I can't be bothered with all of that stuff.

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 21:11

bobs hello

iwas it's my responsibility to be sensible about bed times. And I'm not anyway. I had a feeling I was going to oversleep this week because of lack of sleep and late nights last week. As it was, I decided to have a little kip on the settee and got 6 hours sleep. Yes I overslept! And the builder was due. But I got to work in time for my first task, and very unusually at that time of day, found a parking spot. And it was an easy parking spot.

Hobbit I totally agree, take the money. I didn't realise your sons were ignoring him. As you say, though, he brought it on himself. Check out all that pension stuff, it's a specialist area. Love Jess in her designer shades Smile

WWK thinking of you. You look after all of us, but I know you have plenty of your own shit to deal with. You're allowed to post your shit too, of course.

Green Why Some pieces of paper are more significant than others. Thinking of you both. It's not what any of us wanted.

family hope you are feeling a bit better. A newborn baby is lovely if you can hand them back. I work with a lot of new mums. I hear the reality every day....And as for this crap about being a good father to the new one....it reminds me of writing an essay. If it's not good enough, you can rip it up and start a new one. That seems to be his approach. Each essay represents another offspring. So I'm going to name him the Essay Dad.

1 on a practical level the family car would be a good idea. The traditional set up of main car plus runner is no longer a viable proposition. Your car has to function in all ways now. Family trips out, trips to the dump etc etc. I got a bigger car when I changed mine, for that very reason, because my car is THE family car.

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 21:13

For you, family

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.
Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 21:20

Love and best wishes to everyone else. I know there are so many of you dealing with abuse. It's not something I've personally experienced, so I can't offer much in the way of support. Stonewalling was bad enough for me, though, so I can only imagine

Rozalia · 16/04/2015 21:20

Or to put it another way Izzie, ever seen a stripy leopard?

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 21:26

iwas I don't know what else to say about last night's thread. It was certainly one of those nights on there. I'm thinking of you, as we all are xxx

familyofthree2014 · 16/04/2015 21:29

Essay Dad. I like that. I had a similar image earlier - swapping a wife and kids for another, just like that. Without actually looking at what might have been wrong to begin with - himself. Not once did he talk to me about any unhappiness. Anyway I digress.

Thank you for the picture!! I think I am safe in the knowledge that he won't change. I just need to find a way to focus on myself and not worry what might / might not happen with him. It might take 10 years for him to mess it up - I'm certainly not going to waste my life waiting for it.

Thank you for all the support. I hope to be wise one day and be able to share some gems xx

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 21:32

Roz hello you little tiger! You're an amazing woman, you know. You are an inspiration for any woman attempting to escape the clutches of an abusive relationship. You've certainly found your strength. Big ups to you Wine

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 21:40

Family you keep saying to yourself "it's all about me and the kids" over and over. And find one thing each day that is positive. Whether that be something enjoyable, something practical, it doesn't matter. The point is, you gradually build up a series of positives and memories "all about me and the kids". That's what I focus on. The other thing is to do something if possible, even when the thoughts keep coming. That helped me a lot. I may have focused endlessly on him and the thing, but I also got the painting done at the same time. At least I felt I didn't waste my time doing nothing. I'm one of those who can't sit still, so I hugely resented any time focussing on him. And to have sat there doing nothing at the same time would have added insult to injury.

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 21:45

Any mindless task would do. Cleaning the bath, cleaning a kitchen cupboard. Well before any of this shit, if I had a bad day at work and was still wound up, I used to clean out or reorganise a cupboard. Somewhere during the process I managed to switch off the work stuff. Or gardening.

familyofthree2014 · 16/04/2015 21:49

You have just summed up what the last couple of weeks have been like. I've been waiting / dreading the news and I've spent most of my time worrying about it sat on my sofa with it getting darker and darker and then finally going to bed where I've worried about it some more. It's not a nice life!

Today I took the day off and did lots of gardening. I cried a lot and had some truly horrible thoughts but I at least achieved something at the same time. Definitely on to something there.

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 21:54

It might take 10 years for him to mess it up

There are so many men on this thread who are going to take a big fall. Even on a non emotional level I find it fascinating to speculate about which ex will do such and such first. Once we are no longer in need of this support, we must keep in contact so that we can let others know what happened to the twunts in the end. I want to know.

We will have to start a new thread, something like *Hobbit's Bar After Hours......."

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 21:58

Exactly, family. So when you are feeling better emotionally, it's also a double bonus, because so much has been achieved.

My kitchen is testament to my process. Started in the dying days of the marriage. Worked on during the dark months. Completed in the brighter times. < well! not totally completed! but you get the point[smile>

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 22:01

How do you stop the ipad breaking into fucking exclamation marks??

It really pisses me off.

I will have to stop trying to use commas.....

bobs123 · 16/04/2015 22:13

Even on a non emotional level I find it fascinating to speculate about which ex will do such and such first

Well you can put mine last on any list for doing anything Izzie It's how he keeps control Angry

I read somewhere that if you are married to an unreasonable man, why should you suddenly expect him to become reasonable during the divorce process?

During my marriage I learned how to paint, put together DIY furniture, source tradesmen, sort out every bill and ensure we on the cheapest tarrifs/insurance etc, book holidays, chimney sweeps, boiler/alarm service , learnt all about gardening to the extent we opened our to the public every year. In fact, other than going to work and the odd mowing of the lawn, he did absolutely nothing. While I am proud that I did it, I had no support (other than criticism) from him as he was so utterly apathetic. so why should he be any different now?

for the record, he would disagree with all of this Confused

Cassawoof · 16/04/2015 22:23

bobs I couldn't resist posting, I did all that too. Paid all the bills, organised all the tradesmen, shopping, cleaning, school admin, ballet classes, swimming, piano lessons, MOTed and serviced the car, gardening (but he also mowed our tiny lawn)' booked holidays, all the insurances, sorted the finances etc. so when he left me it really made not one bit of difference to my day-to-day life. And he worked such long hours the kids didn't realise he'd moved out for a month!

Oh well. I sometimes think he would have preferred a dependant wife who needed him ... So much for being strong and capable.

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 22:25

bobs how about first on the list for seizing up through lack of action?

So his gift to you was that on separation you had nothing extra to take on practically

What a generous soul!

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 22:29

the kids didn't realise he'd moved out for a month!

I shouldn't Grin

So much for being strong and capable

In my case, having all of my marbles was my downfall.

Rozalia · 16/04/2015 22:32

Hello Izzie, thanks for the vote of confidence. I've been looking at my long list of things to do, probate stuff, divorce stuff, day to day stuff, that I keep prevaricating over. I keep telling myself, this time next week I'll have such and such done. And a week later it isn't done.

Oh well, this time next week, it'll be done.

My iPad does the exclamation mark thing too. God knows why. I try to check for them before I press post or I look like I'm over excited! About everything! I'm posting about!

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 22:42

Roz I know what you mean. But even worse is when is post something and the exclamation mark could be taken as being a sarky comment......e,g,

I'm so sorry you are feeling shit! And that life is not worth living! Maybe you should get some counselling!

bobs123 · 16/04/2015 22:42

Cassa yes - more like weak and incapable Smile . All he really needed was a secretary, handyman, gardener and housewife rolled into one - unpaid of course, because it was deemed that I, with my much smaller income, should pay for everything for the DDs as well as the shopping and anything that needed doing to the house. It was so easy for him to just say it wasn't needed, knowing that I'd pay for it.

Izzie - "seizing up through lack of action" yes it did seize up through lack of action....for years not that there was much to seize up especially as when men put on weight certain bits disappear under a fold of fat Shock

I would say that one of his gifts to me when he moved out was us not having to smell his bedroom any more. Despite the fact he was supposed to do his laundry, months passed without sheets being washed! I even tried itching powder a couple of times but it didn't work Grin

Sorry - bit personal, but feeling rather pissed off!

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 22:44

Well! Ladies! I'm going to head up now! and get some sleep! In my own bed tonight! instead of on the sofaGrin

TGIF almost

Rozalia · 16/04/2015 22:45

Izzie Grin Grin

Izzie595 · 16/04/2015 22:51

bobs the greatest gift mine gave me when he left was a silent house at night. He took the herd of snorting pigs with him.

Right, I've set myself a deadline of 11 for bed, so must go now. Actually I did set myself a target of a very early night. Meh on that as usual

Night all xxx

iwashappy · 16/04/2015 23:00

Hello everyone.

Family I would think the build up to the news has been horrific for you. I suppose, in some small way, at least it has happened now and you are no longer dreading that news and hopefully in time it should get a bit easier. I think you did the right thing today - had some time to yourself and let your emotions come out. Thinking of you. Flowers

Rozalia there is nothing wrong in doing things at your own pace, as and when you feel able to deal with it. Everyone on here thinks that you are doing brilliantly. x

Izzie will PM you shortly. Hope you're managing to eat a bit better now and pleased that you did get some sleep last night.

Bobs - the sheets! You are definitely better off without him! Can do exclamation marks on laptop too!