HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Hi Ladies

ali family thinking of you - some major stuff going on - izzie why great words of advice -
re the harrassment stuff - been there done that- had two letters from his sol on this & the old timers on here will know where that put me.
I'm reading all the posts and the pain of what you ladies are going through really hits me - I guess this is where I was a few months back. I want to give you ladies hope that things will change - but I know when I was in this place that it felt impossible to believe that things could be any better. I'm trying to think what helped me -all I know is that I was reading anything & everything to do with EA, I could see it wasn't me, I started to see a pattern in the Twunts behaviour and realised it was all a game - almost getting to the point where I could predict his next move - and he has pulled some stunts - I too couldn't believe how low he would go, having said this it didnt stop me being affected by what he did. Actually the ranting on here was probably the best release!

Today is DDay for me - nisi being read in court- last night I updated my Form E for sols and currently having house valued - I wish the estate agents would stop telling me what a lovely house this is. I have put everything into this house over the last 10 years - its the kids home!

I got up this morning to do my course essay but have found myself on here - I have just read the letter from the Mental Health Team about my referral and it made me blub - seeing the words "nasty divorce" in black & white got me - I didnt want this - despite everything I would have tried to make it work - I think I have underestimated what I have been through - the wound had started to heal over but right now it still hurts. izzie believe that you deserve someone good - in my quest to be a fully fledged spiritual nutter I am now reading "The Secret" - some weird stuff has happened to me that is difficult to explain logically so I might as well go the whole hog! and I meant to say had a great image of you strutting your stuff in your pink shoes! I thought i was going to get through today just like any other day but emotions kick in - I am not yet at the end of this - my backbone has grown a bit stronger but I still have a way to go - but the silver lining (just realised this is our theme song)- I have company today -someone that cares!

keep the hope, belief, faith whatever you want to call it - keep strong ladies

KOKOxx

with lyrics

Not feeling like I have too much to give in the way of advice, but I do know this:

When I first found out about twunt's affair ( OW's husband told me. He'd called to talk to twunt but got me instead. He was still in a state of shock himself) it was all I could think about. It was agony, as we all know so well. I'd take the dog for long walks in the forest and I might as well have been in the bottom of a dark pit, for any awareness of my surroundings. I could walk for miles and miles going over the lies, hurting over his "love" for her, filled with jealousy and hate and fear and crushed love for him.

But gradually it changed. I don't think it can be forced, but it can be encouraged. I'd say to myself " you can think about it until you get to that particular tree, then you stop and become aware of your surroundings". Of course my thoughts would soon drift back to the betrayal and loss, but I'd start again. Mindfulness, basically, over and over.

Now when I walk the dog I listen to skylarks, look for the greening up of spring, track deer, sit on a log and ponder. I do think of twunt, but the agony has gone. OW was just another victim whose life has been terribly damaged by her involvement with twunt.

Time, determination to build a new life and not be destroyed. But be kind to yourselves. Sometimes it is terrible pain but in the middle of it, know it will eventually pass. Just hold onto that thought, this too will pass. It will.

and apologies if I sound preachy. It is early and coffee only just kicking in.

Roz thank you.

Family I am so sorry sweetheart that must be really hard for you.

Rozalia that is a lovely, heartfelt post and I know exactly what you mean. I go for a daily walk, sometimes with our dog sometimes not, and as you say at the beginning your mind is on what has happened all the time and you don't take in the beauty of your surroundings, you can't see beyond your pain. But now I enjoy the countryside, hearing the birds and seeing the cows, sheep, horses etc. Just enjoying the walk really. There are some calves in a field about five minutes from where we live and they are so gorgeous I probably spend far too much of my walking time just watching them. You are doing so well. x

Izzie I'm so sorry if events here have interfered with your sleep. I totally understand what everyone is saying but please be assured I do very much have my guard up and I feel happier that things might move forward in a more positive way as the last month or so has been horrible. I need to get to work now but will PM you later.

I'm sorry I've not responded to comments on here much recently but it's been a bit full on here and I will catch up.

yougotafriend. Just read that link. Bloody hell, it's him, exactly! They must know him. Or all these twunt's are alike.

That was so useful. It's such a good reminder. I don't think I'll ever stop educating myself about these people.

Point 6 on their list - If you have a headache, an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumour. We have been sitting at the bedside of seriously ill relative and twunt has had the nurses ( who have all the time in the world) taking Twunt's blood pressure. While all other visitors and patient looked on amazed. There would then follow a looong discussion about twunt's health.

Morning all.

Family there's very few cliches that I can abide but this one: It's always darkest before dawn.

As horrific as this as feels right now, and it doesn't get worse than this when time slows down to a near standstill and you can feel and hear every pained beat of your heart, and it slowly ripping to pieces, and you feel powerless to do anything about it.

But the body does heal. Things slowly improve. Fight hard for five minutes today. Good decision to take the day off. This will get easier, promise.

Ali3 I can't see what grounds he has for an Occ.Order. I'm no lawyer though but....my rough understanding of court processes, you have to think in terms of 'extreme/emergency circumstances' v. 'normal dispute'.

Occ.Orders, Non-Mol, urgent hearings (known as 'ex parte') take days but no more than two weeks before they go to a judge.

Normal disputes take months (divorce finance hearings, normal house occupation orders, child arrangements etc)

For an Occ.Order - my understanding is there has to be a risk of future domestic violence and that is because there is a history of past domestic violence. They aren't given out because someone asks/demands one or they find sharing the home unbearable.

Given he's left the home, I'm assuming he has somewhere to go. He hasn't got a cats hell of getting one given he's got a full time job, I can't see how he's going to suddenly become the primary carer. Secondly, even if he got a Occ.Order, it may just decide who uses the kitchen and when to minimise arguments in front of the child! If you have no alternative accommodation nor means to pay it, but he does, then guess who gets to go. Voluntarily, of course. It's something to talk to rightsofwomen about but that is my broad understanding.

If/when you go to court. If you have a legal rep, they speak for you. You just sit there looking pretty. If you have to self-rep, then you would have to answer the judge's questions, but you don't go into a witness box, just sit where the barristers do. They are softer to self-reppers than to legal people. Cross that bridge when it gets to it because 9/10 things don't go to court at all.

I hope that helps.

You guys are awesome.

Family, I keep checking online to see if the baby has arrived yet. When he does it will be another thing done. The boys saw ex Tuesday and came back to tell me all four boys will be having a professional photo session in June. My three sons and hers. That was a bit sore.

My sister has paid for me to have a mediation session, she is good. Trying to extricate myself from a sacking by playing disability card atm so can't do both. I hate playing the disability thing but I have no choice. I think that is hard, the no choices bit.

I need to think about mediation. I am not sure even what to ask for. Again I hate having to ask him for anything. This is hard isn't it. Waiting for Dr to ring, I want a referral to the foot surgeon, time for screws in the ither one now I think, this time will be NHS so hope it is not too bad. Need to time it with holidays as will be three months non weight bearing and my arms are not strong enough to use crutches. There is wheelchair access at work fortunately, right foot this time so driving will be tricky. Anyway no point really worrying about that, it could be years on the NHS I think. Going to say Dr was right and I need stronger meds too. Why the fuck is everyone else always right?!

Mediation, can't think on that now. I have marking to do so must stop loitering here.

KOKO everyone.

PS he moved out to years ago, I think that is the first time I have called him ex. Still very much married arm though ??

Hi everyone, Roz, you know what? I like the cut of your gib, you're a good egg in my book, great supportive post there my love

Well, I opened up the email twunt kindly sent me on my birthday, no, it wasn't to wish me all the best for the day, but then it wasn't a death threat either. It was to thank me for joining him at mediation, and breaking down the pension information into what tax I'd pay and all that gubbins. Then came a pity party about how his sons wanted nothing to do with him and ignored his texts etc, and how he would fund a holiday for us out of his bonus, to help us get over the divorce.

You couldn't make it up really could ya? He is responsible for his relationship with his sons, actions have consequences, and his actions have damaged his family. I'm still gonna take the money for the holiday tho'!

Hi Green...it's my nisi today as well. I can't show any emotion as my children are on school holidays.

I just feel so hollow. It's probably just another day to him in twuntville.

I do have a couple of friends coming round tonight so I'll probably have a meltdown then. I do feel that sometimes people get fed up with me going on about it all the time but some days it's all consuming. It feels like I'm walking round in a parallel universe. I can see real life but I can't feel it.

It does help to know I'm not alone in these feelings and you girls, old and new, give me strength to keep going. I also find comfort in being able to pass on what I've learned on this awful journey.

Going back to the reading I had...she saw the ending of something, a recently passed woman watching over me and lots of love surrounding me as well as the man on horseback. It's probably just generic stuff but you never know.

As for the divorce...again it is something that I never wanted. This time last year I was oblivious of how my life would crash so violently. I've had my rose tinted glasses ripped from my face and now I see how quickly you can go from smug married to divorced single mother of two on benefits. I also see that people who professed to loving you one min can turn their affections to another and erase you from their life. I'm also still coming to terms with the fact that the relationship was abusive.

So as we say...this shit is hard. KOKO.

Again Hobbit you couldn't make it up. Seriously what does he want you to do.

A holiday to help you get over the divorce...it's not a bloody case of the flu. What's he like!

However, if he is going to pay...choose somewhere you would have never gone together. Then get it booked and paid for by him.

As for his relationship with his sons...well that's up to him. He wrecked it so he can work at restoring it (if that's possible).

Hello again, I know that the nisi is just a piece of paper at the end of the day, but it still felt like a punch in the stomach when I received mine, so I totally understand how you are feeling today.
To bring some cheer, here's our lady of the thread, catching some rays in the arse end of nowhere today.

Oh fuck I ve just lost all the messages I typed out.

Hi all, will redo later.......

Afternoon ladies, or is it evening now?? Never sure when one ends and the other begins. I'm in awe of some of you ladies and the way you all seem to be hanging on in there - even if it's only just...

I just want to reiterate what Roz said about the pain slowly but surely easing. I didn't believe that it would and I know there are some darker times around the corner when the legalities, moving etc kick off. I still cry most days on the way home from work (but not en route usually) and the nights/early mornings aren't great but I'm beginning to live (not a lot) again rather than crawling from day to day in a dark tunnel. I've been going through this since Xmas - so about 4 months in.

The advice on this thread has been invaluable and really helped and made me stronger.

Jess looks cool today

You have to smile at our twunts really - a holiday to get over what he's put you through hobbit. (I would nonetheless go). Mine asked if it would help if I had our family car?? In what way would a different car 'help' me get over separation and divorce I wonder.......? It's not even as if I like driving. Hey ho. It's like they say, women are from Venus and men Mars.

Saw this. Though it might raise a smile and give hobbit some more ideas.

Loving Jess with her cool sun outfit on today !

1nogoingback3 I agree that the ladies here are so helpful . I feel pathetic in comparison to some of the situations and feel that I have nothing to moan about...just feel as if I am mourning my whole life currently - I wish I was young again, I wish I was at the stage where my son was young again - we don't appreciate these things at the time and then they are gone and now I feel as if I am facing this lonely future. Just been in the supermarket and there are times when you just feel the tears ready to come busting out!

Someone was talking about Meet Up - well I went to a quiz, met another lovely lady with a background similar to myself so we are going out next week and I have 2 more Meet Ups in the pipeline for this week. What else can I do but try?

Why is it so easy for these bastards to just dump you like that after YEARS of commitment from yourself?

Is it wrong to wish that they will drop down dead at times often? I only hope that they suffer in the same way worse way

Am I the only one that feels so physically vulnerable? By this I mean like I am the person who is going to be eaten by her cat when she dies ? Freaking out about things like broken washing machines? Scared at night if out and walking home in the dark? My SIL said that the thing she hates my H for is that he has made me feel like this and I was never that person.

Oh dear, big pity party tonight.... need another Pinot I think..

iwas sorry that you were getting such a bashing on your other thread last night - it's not always black and white as you say ! Having to work with him - OMG you deserve a bloody medal!

Oh apologies that IS a pathetic pity party above ................

Hahahaha..some people !!

Theoldwiseone I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable, there are things I physically can't do in my house, and I don't want to rely on him, luckily my BIL isn't far away and has been really helpful. I'll need to change a few things longer term.

In an odd way it was helpful that we were burgled a while ago, we tightened up on security, otherwise I'd be worried about that.

I've made some progress today with packing his things, I managed to disconnect his games console without messing up the TV, so that's all packed up with the games, still a lot of do but getting there. He'll be over tomorrow and will see what I've done, but sod him, he doesn't live here anymore and will need to take his crap with him. Eventually I'll have lots more storage space :)

Yes it's all that shit , isn't it? bravingspring Wi fi - airport hubs - tvs blah blah. Think the plan is take photos so you know what goes into what with all this stuff.....

My H's stuff is at the door - there is a great mix - clothes that were in the wardrobe and clean, clothes that were in the laundry basket waiting on ironing and clothes that were dirty and in the basket to be washed that day that he left. Probably mushrooms growing on his underpants by now!

Yes, so many wires, connectors, controllers ........ He'll have to work out how to connect it all back up, I'm going to bring a DVD player downstairs, connecting that up might be another job for my BIL.

I haven't started on clothes yet, everything's been washed and ironed (not by me) but it's all still in his drawers and wardrobe yet, I'm leaving it till last, don't know why.

I'm doing his non clothes drawers tomorrow and then tackling the spare room and utility room over the weekend.

He's made a big deal out of not moving from this house to hers, and yet eventually he's going have to come and move his boxes from one house to the other, so what's the difference? I still think he hasn't moved in with her because she's trying to stiff her husband on their divorce and he's just framing it as some sort of considerate behaviour, or pretending he's not sure yet, needs time on his home, who knows?

Well done Wiseone and Braving it's so much better to be proactive rather than simply being the "little woman sitting pining at home" .I'd would be personally be the "throw it all in one bag" type but hey ho - it's all to do with taking back control over your own life.

I'd be interested to know his reaction when he comes round Braving . And of course his eventually sharing a house with OW will also have a knock-on effect to your situation as well as OW's X

As for connecting up the DVD player - be daring. It's not rocket science, just copy the way it's connected to the TV upstairs. You'll get a great deal of satisfaction out of doing this

Bobs I know I'm being fussy about it but it is about taking control, and doing it my way in my own time.

He knows I've started packing but won't like me touching his gadgets :) I'm sure he'd like to take the fancy TV (No Chance) It'll sting when he has to attach his games console to an inferior one. One of the many consequences of his choices.

No Braving I don't think you are being fussy at all - we have our own ways of dealing with stuff and this is your way, and he should have absolutely nothing to criticise

Braving we were burgled a number of years ago, so yes am all alarmed up here. My biggest concern is who will change the battery on the alarm bell outside when necessary!

Wise you are fully entitled to mourn what you have lost and have a good old pity party. It's all part of the process. I too felt at first that my whole future had been ripped away from me. But then I thought, how did he define my future? Even totally ignoring any background stuff, we still didn't have any idea of what our future was, where we would live etc.

I'm also fully aware from friends that having a husband does not mean happiness. In fact I know so many people who actually envy divorced women. They see it as an independent lifestyle, freedom to do as one pleases, and none of the tedium, in all senses of the word, of a husband. I tended to do the majority of my socialising singly, rather than endless couple socialising, so I have that already in place, despite being somewhat frozen for a time. Sometimes, being part of a couple can inhibit socialising, as it's too easy to stay in. And I have to say, it avoids those evenings when you have to endure the partner of someone, or you're aware that H is doing the same.

So many people are now single at our age, it's not unusual.

As for all those little jobs.....if you don't have a friend or relative on standby, you ask around to get a good jobbing builder. You then save up all the little jobs until there's enough for a day's work, say, and then call him. And Mr Reliable Builder will come out for the emergencies. Alternatively, there is plenty of cover available for all sorts of things, so look around for what's needed. I have asked the ex to look into some more cover along those lines. And I will also build all that into my expenses when it comes to negotiating spousal. I upgraded my RAC cover to get battery cover. If the very worst happens, they would go get me a new battery and fit it. When he was living here, it wasn't necessary because he would do it. Needs change.

All those leads re tv. Yes, we can do all of that. It just takes a while first time as we have to learn all about it. I remember all the stuff I found out about tyres when I had to get new ones. I wouldn't need to do all that research next time, because I understand about it now. In fact, it turns out my knowledge was then greater than his. It's the same as when they go to do some of their washing. It used to amaze me that someone so practical had no idea how to work the washing machine, had no idea that a 40 mark on an item of clothing meant synthetics wash etc.