HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Why always room for a bit of rough

Izzie...exactly!

Thanks *Wise" I'll check that out tomorrow :)

Ha ha izzie my love, I doubt very much he's wishing me a happy birthday, more like a happy deathday! We shall see tomorrow, all will be revealed....

It's a difficult one. Neither is quite the right action.

I have his birthday coming up soon. I suppose I will text literally the words. Only to keep him onside really. I'll save the happy anniversary one for when I meet him in hell

Sorry ladies but I have just found out from my 15 yr old dd that my f**ker husband actually showed her the letter that his solicitor is sending to me ... The one giving me 28 days to get out and stay out ! What sort of excuse for a man does this to a child ? She wants her dad to move back in here ... Me get one of these magical empty houses to move into that she can visit me in when he's working late and can't be arsed !!! I seriously am about to give up... Surely a decent judge can see that this sleaze bag is skint and now emotionally controlling his daughter instead of his wife. It took every bit of my will power not to text him to tell him what a piece of shit he really is. I've now been hit by my sciatica and major fibromyalgia attack and despite a double dose of the hard stuff, I cannot rest. He has always taken her to school in the morning because of meds I had to take but tonight, dear love him after working late, he has decided he's just too tired to take her. Despite being asked several times today to confirm. Seriously, I cannot cope with much more... Just when I think he can't possibly stoop any lower, he goes and proves me wrong. This is the same asshole who thinks it will be ok to leave a 15 yr old on her own all night, do long hours and be on call as long as he has me as the sucker who'll pick up the shit he can't hack ... This man is going to Canada for 2 weeks in May ... Wtf is he going to do with her then ?
Seriously can't cope any more !

Anyone still up? Am struggling. OW had the baby. He hasn't told me, I found out indirectly. Keep having images of him being a wonderful partner / father when he failed me and my children so badly.

Someone said to me the other day that, though it's a bit harsh, I should think of him as dead. He certainly isn't the man I married anymore and it is like he died, not just to me but to all his family and friends who he has cut off as well.

I just wish I didn't care so much but I do. These horrible thoughts take over and there is little I can do about it.

Sorry Ali. We posted at exactly the same time. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time too. I have very young children so luckily they don't really know what's going on (at least with legal stuff). That is awful he is getting your DD involved. I have no real advice but wanted you to know you're not alone.

Hobbit evil git. Well, hopefully he's put a 'read receipt' on it and if you don't read it for a few days, he'll realise just what a low priority he is. If I were you, start making Fridays divorce day, or even better, a few days before next mediation. Save you stewing on his shite for a while.

They always kick back at the first opportunity. It kind of tells you that it's getting to them more than you realise. Good.

Ali...he is a twisted bastard. Don't give up sweetheart...hold on even if it's just by your finger nails. Your dd will eventually realise what he is doing and she will need you.

My stbsh showed my eldest dd texts from me but he didn't show her what he had previously sent to me so I know how hard it is to try to stop them believing the bastards.

Could you get her a taxi to school or ask a friends mum to help?

Do not be afraid to reach out for help. I rang the Samaritans in the middle of the night before.

Just off to sleep but wanted to say ali have you got any legal advice yet to help put your mind at rest? Seems to me you have a good case for her spending most time with you, even if she is 15 and legally can decide fo herself. A responsible adult wouldn't leave someone that age on their own overnight.

family sorry, must be crap for you to hear about OW's baby.

Hi wwk my love, yeah he's a twatbags ain't he? Malicious clunge!
How ya doing my angel?

Family I'm so sorry honey, that must be so hard to hear, sending you a big hug, so glad you are back here on the thread again to receive support, xx

I have honestly felt rubbish for not being on here but I have had so much on my mind and would feel like a hypocrit giving advice when I am not coping myself.

I don't know how to deal with this. I honestly don't. I have a really clear image of myself being at peace in my garden wearing a lovey summery dress drinking a glass of wine etc and I'm just happy on my own, not obsessing about the what ifs or whether he's happy or regretting what he's done. I simply don't care about him. I want that image to become reality more than anything, I just don't know how to get there.

Thanks ladies, really needed to get it out of my system... I just an scared because the man comes across as a saint and the most reasonable human being when in fact he is an appalling excuse for a man ! I emailed my solicitor so hopefully she'll get it first thing. I just can't believe what possible purpose showing her the letter would do. Family do you feel worse at night too ? It's when my brain starts to let in all the crap they give us. I just hope someone in the legal system realises that some men are just complete asswipes !
Saw this earlier and as a good Ulster woman thought I'd share

family....I cannot imagine the hurt you are feeling now with them playing happy families after the pain they have caused you and your children.

And of course you still care. Because you are a decent, loving, loyal person who has been deceived and cheated on by this despicable man and your feelings cannot be switched off straight away.

But try to hold your head up and keep going for your children. Concentrate on them and look after yourself.

Sending you hugs and support xx

family...you will get to peace eventually..just keep believing in yourself.

ali...I believed all my stbxh crap as well and every threatening solicitors letter from him cut through me like a knife. I spent thousands trying to defend myself when I should have just stepped back and ignored him.

I too thought no one would believe me but they did. The judge and the cafcass officer.

Get yourself a journal/diary and document everything he does.

Second writing everything down. I have kept every single email and have had to dig a few out on occasion to prove he was lying. The Courts are used to dealing with scum bags but every little helps. I was able to quote some of his lies back to him during one meeting - it was marvellous.

Thank you for your support. I'm sure I'll be ok in time, just got to scrape myself off the floor - again - and get on with it. Hard though ain't it.

family my love, you don't need to feel like a hypocrite, but I totally understand, I did exactly the same thing when I hit a dip, and felt I couldn't head up the thread any longer in good conscience, when I couldn't act on the advice I was giving out myself. That's when it became the bar, more of a drop in centre if you will.

You will get to that place you're dreaming of, you've just been hit with a ton of bricks with this news of the baby, frankly, who fucking wouldn't be devestated by this information, I know I would for sure.

Take care of yourself and your children, keep posting, ranting, feeling sad, whatever you want to say, say it, we've all felt the same way, xx

Someone else who only pops into the bar occasionally here. family don't worry about whether you can give advice, you don't have to. It must be so hard, but I see my separation as a long series of event that have to happen on my journey to get out the other side. Each will make you feel terrible, but it's part of the journey. my H has been on a date, and I know I have yet to survive the girlfriend, her meeting our kids, the divorce papers being served etc. etc. so if it helps just think of this as one of those events that was always going to be bad, but it's happened now so that's another one ticked off and your one step closer to being ok. I'm thinking of you.

Family sorry love, we cross-posted. It's a really hard day. There's nothing to suggest he's going to be anything other than who is he. Just a feckless twunt of a man. The best predictor is his past behaviour. I don't believe they ever change. You don't have to give advice, you know that. You just have to turn up and say this SHIT IS HARD. We aren't here to make you feel worse, you can't right now anyway. Just focus on the next few days and keeping yourself as busy as you can. This time will pass but it's gruelling to get through.

Likewise Ali3, you're still assuming he has a leg to stand on in getting you out of the house. I'm afraid courts are a long slow process and he'd have to get an occupation order to get you out - he has next to no chance. They aren't given out 'just' because someone wants one. However, I am going to be really clear here - do not underestimate some of the stunts he might try to pull. Please get yourself some good legal advice if you can because being prepared for a 'mastertwunt' helps you keep calm. I know I fell into the trap of worst-case scenarioing, and being scared of the 'what if' (mine did everything bar court to get me to live in a caravan!!) and it never happened. He's still paying for my little abode. It infuriates him. I know now.

Whatever happens now - No contact. The less you communicate, the less things can be twisted. Do NOT engage as much as you can manage. And if you absolutely have to be neutral, non-committed and factual. It's so hard not to react but it's better long term.

Fucking Sid! It's all been happening over there tonight. And now I will have to stay up cos I won't get up in the morning otherwise. I'm asking Hobbit to send some flap and knob rot over to the pair of twunts for disturbing my sleep.

I've PMd our lovely Family already reminding her of the reality of babies. And other shit too.

What else can I say to keep myself awake? Definitely that it can be all too easy to take some of the twunt threats as plausible. I can only suggest that there is plenty of general divorce legal stuff online to reassure people that some of these threats are just ludicrous wishful thinking by people who are a sandwich short of a picnic. So if he makes a threat, go do some research, and maybe this will help reassure you. [know this is only minor, but I got in an email a veiled threat about a charge of harrassment. A cursory glance online told me that what was said was fucking impossible in a court of law. ] They may want you to live in the proverbial "shoebox in middle of't road" , and we may want their knobs to drop off, but neither is a realistic possibility.

Cassa that's how I see my separation. The last thorny journey to a better life.

Sorry to have kept you up Izzie. I reckon I'm going to stay up too. Pretty sure I'm going to take tomorrow off and do something nice. I'd only cry at my desk which isn't fun for anyone.

Cass you are right. He couldn't really do anything worse than this so hopefully this is the lowest I could ever feel so it's inevitable I'll feel better. They have used his surname which I find odd as he is still married to me. They have no shame yet I am still surprised by this. His vows mean nothing and she knows that as does everyone else who would attend that wedding if it ever happened.

Thanks WWK.

I only entered this 'bar' a few days ago but already want to move in !! I do get sucked in by his threats but maybe just maybe he is actually the one panicking because he lost his money along with his decency and thinks if he keeps doing what he did for so many years, I'll just say 'yes darling of course I'll move out to the streets so you can suck the life out of my daughter too'
As they say in parts here "nah mate, don't think so " ... But it still scares which is obviously what the vile toad wants.
can anyone tell me actually what happens in an occupation order at court... Do I have to speak ?

family you didn't keep me up, it was me going back to the iwas thread that did it. I get to the stage where I'm better off staying up than going to bed really late because otherwise I will oversleep.

They say manipulative ..... I say abusive but this describes my ex to a tee

themindunleashed.org/2014/07/8-ways-protect-emotional-manipulation.html