HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Ali...take a step back...do you think he knew you would be able to see this letter? Could it be there just to frighten you? He may have no intention of acting on this.

They use our love for our children against us. They know that it will screw us up.

They will manipulate the children and it is heartbreaking - I have to put up with my eldest DD coming home with his lies. I don't want to put her in the middle but she has to know the truth. I try to be honest but not to graphic with the details.

With regard to legal help...you could try the CAB. Or you may have a One Stop Shop in your area...in our area they are held in childrens centres and they have solicitors, counsellors etc there and they can direct you to the services that you need. From what you're saying I also think that a Freedom Group could help you.

Plus do not move out until you know your rights.

You may be able to claim legal aid. Depending on your benefits and other criteria for example a letter from your doctor.

Izzie...it was my weasel that is a fire arms officer and the OW is also a police officer...she has also threatened me with harassment. They use their knowledge against you and it is extremely intimidating. I've never been in trouble with the police but after he left I've had the police on my doorstep many times. These people are bullys.

Take care xx

Welcome RA&J so sorry to hear about your situation, and I hope that, as others have said, you get all the financial help you are entitled to. As for seeing him, how about trying not to have any contact for a bit. If he turns up to take the DC out, try to stay away from from the door and seeing him, and find something to do straight after - see friends, go for a walk etc. i hope you have RL support as it's tough

Izzie I'm sure all other "tinis" are but pale imitations of yours! After my shit is over I will just mix up a little of everything in the drinks cupboard

Why there is another one too. Will pm

RAandJ something very similar happened to me 7 months ago so I know how you are feeling. First of all look after yourself, and your kids.

It's likely he's been thinking about this / decided for a while whereas this has come out of the blue for you and you are now playing catch up. I assume you want to work this out, and he will have come up with a load of things that justify his decision, many of which are not fair / true.

The best thing you can do is try to hold it together and look like you will be ok, they want what they can't have and as soon as you might not be an option to come back to he might start to wonder if he's done the right thing.

But this is so much easier said than done, as its is so hard to deal with this. So let yourself cry, talk to friends, treat yourself. I never managed it but in hindsight now, I wish I hadn't taken so long to give up begging him to come back. Thinking of you – it's the worst pain imaginable. You have friends at the bar.

Izzie I'm sure all other "tinis" are but pale imitations of yours

Oh what! We can't have a bobsitini too, this has to stop

Yes only mine on a regular basis, with maybe an occasional special one night only for others. Good, and Font can stay on the wagon and eat pork scratchings. Clearly doesn't appreciate the finer things in life......

Talking of which, what's going on re Sid??

Newcomers.....so many of you coming thick and fast. Sorry you need to come here, but all welcome. And apologies if we don't all reply for a while. Certainly in my case it takes me a while to get my head round the new lovely ladies and their situations. But, read all the threads, there are so many parallel situations on here, and so much experience and advice already on them.

I'm going to bed now. Work in the morning and had trouble getting up in time this morning. Not a good omen for the rest of the week......

Well the Hobbitini looked quite stunning, resplendent in blue with a posh little umbrella. We need to see a pic of the Izzietini to compare.

Hobbit... well done for today.

Izzie...I understand your thoughts re. the OW. I personally would like an act of god to strike them down.

Roz...what sort of counsellors are they? He really is on planet twunt isn't he.

cuddybridge...another police officer. Perhaps power goes to their heads. My stbxh (aka the weasel) division are called 'serial shaggers'. How nice.

RAandJ...welcome to our bar. Please take one day (or even one min) at a time. When you can get some legal advice. Plus freeze any joint accounts. Take care of yourself and come on here when you feel the need.

I want to have some pride and dignity but every time I see him I get angry then end up crying

RA we would all want that, but we are real people with feelings. It gets easier to act cool when you emotionally detach, which you eventually will. I can remember in the early times when I bawled my eyes out when he told me he was going to open another bank account. Not diverting his salary or refusing to pay the bills, just opening a separate accout for his personal stuff. To me it was the end of the world. There were other occasions when he witnessed or heard me sobbing down the phone. Whatever! He doesn't now, I've moved on. He's forgotten about it now. The last couple of times he was distinctly nonplussed at my cool,detached manner. 5.5 months.

You have been given some good advice from Cassa. Go easy on yourself. You're going through a horrendous ordeal, we've all been there. Don't expect any more of yourself than you would a friend going through it.

Take care and keep posting xx

Really am off to bed now. Glimpsed your post again and just felt in wanted to say something

Well the Hobbitini looked quite stunning, resplendent in blue with a posh little umbrella. We need to see a pic of the Izzietini to compare

It's a drink, not an ornament. All in the taste....

Will get back to you on that. Ending the night on another cliffhanger

Hobbit I'm so pleased for you that today went well. Delighted for you, you must be so relieved that today is over with. It must have been really nerve wracking seeing him again but you did brilliantly. Hope you can relax and have a glass or two on your Birthday which I think is tomorrow?

Hello to everyone else, sorry not caught up properly with thread, hope to in next few days. x

Evening all. Been pub quizzing tonight and I even supplied an answer before the question had been asked - and it was correct. My genius know no bounds! Epic failure on the other questions...but baby steps and all that.

Ali3 The "He says" phase is utterly terrifying because you're nowhere near believing for one tiny instant that they are wrong, or there's system that's slow, thorough and run by judges not them. Anyone will tell you receiving a solicitor's letter is terrifying at first, because it looks all official and it uses frighteningly wordy legaltastic wording. Having seen a fair few of these now, my scornful response to what "he says" is 'meh'.

In your situation, I am inclined to think that he can't win his impossible "solutions"

Please get yourself down to a free half-hour appointment with a solicitor, and also with the CAB, and also contact www.rightsofwomen.org.uk.

Sorry Roz I did realise it was his counsellor, not one you're seeing. Glad you're refusing to stand for it now. Lundy was right in his book that them getting therapy just becomes another stick to be beaten with. And congrats on the first day of employment.

RA At one month, you don't even want to be thinking about 'coping', it really is horrific those first few weeks. Let it all out, cry your heart out, try to get food into you (and keep it down), try get some sleep (and expect the dreams to take over). The only focus has to be 'get through the next five minutes'. Expect very little of yourself because no one here is going to tell you they managed to get through those first few weeks any differently when the marriage ends abruptly. You burn with the pain of it. Oh, and the housework can go to hell by the way!

Believe me it does get easier but it can't be hurried. It has to be taken very slowly. "Faking it 'til you make it" is what you do for the benefit of others but inside your own home, you deal with it by acknowledging it's happened and knowing it's all about getting through the five minutes. KOKO.

I know that there are people on here who can't sleep or wake up in the night..I just wake every morning around 5 am with the most awful gut wrenching sick feeling and usually upset bowels and of course all the thoughts in my head. I try to stay in bed but it doesn't work. I do still feel tired after I get up. I am just wondering if this is something anyone else has experienced and how you dealt with it. I saw a doc early on and did have sleeping pills for 2 weeks - still awoke early but got me through the early nightmares and hallucinations. I saw another one again later ( can never get to see my own doc) and they wouldn't give me anything but said to " dig deep"..I hate going to sleep at night because of knowing how I will wake...is this something I am going to have to live with? Any suggestions anyone? This is now 2 months and I just hate it.

Morning wise. I had those feelings. It's the realisation when you are awake, that it really is happening. It's like waking up into a nightmare. I used to set a song as my alarm call, something to comfort me.

My H left for a few days two years ago, so that was the biggest shock, rather than this time. So two years ago I had that waking feeling, and I had unbelievable tingling in my arms, so much it hurt. The song I woke up to at the time was this. I don't think I could bear to listen to it now, but it helped me at the time. I'm not religious, but it still touched me in that way, I suppose. That time was the absolute worst time of the whole thing.
You won't forever wake up feeling as you do though. In the same way as you grieve a death, it gets easier and life starts opening up again

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcBnJw-H2wQ

Yes, quickly tested the sound before posting the song, very bad memories of such a dark time.

Hobbit happy birthday young lady! Glad you can enjoy it after yesterday.

Thanks Izzie595 for replying.

WiseOne, I wake up with a horribly wobbly sick feeling in my stomach. Then I feel incredulous. wtf happened. He's been gone 8 weeks now, although I had plenty of warning. I used to wake up with my heart thundering along at tachycardia speeds and for some weeks I had a resting pulse of over 100 beats per minute. That was scary and I went as far as considering going to the dr,I was so concerned. It's settled down now to about 77pm so that's ok.
I take ages to get going in the mornings. Music helps, real coffee. Spring's making a difference, letting the hens out, their soft early morning clucking, birds singing away in the treetops, guinea pig demanding food ( no wonder they're called pigs). He misses all this, blossom on the trees, all my bulbs flowering, such a shame. It helps me get through the first part of the day.

Morning Ladies and welcome to the newbies - sorry you are having to join us but this thread is a life saver - helped me survive the many "on the floor" moments.

I wont repeat all the other ladies have said but will suggest you read the back threads if you haven't done so - you will see all your current thoughts and feelings echoed so many times and it will help you realise IT IS NOT YOU!

hobbit - well done on getting through yesterday - everytime I need a bit of oomph I shall be donning my Steel Balls and Dave strutt!

I too have had to deal with the unfinished jobs and am still ploughing my way through 20 years of crap that was abandoned! But each job ticked of the list is another step in the right direction and just confirms what we are all capable of -i have a group of men I can now call on and they are far more reliable than the twunt was!

There has been mention of meet up groups on here - ladies I cant recommend these enough izzie just google - there is a group for any and every thing you could imagine. It takes a bit of courage to go along but gives you a huge buzz and they were all so friendly and welcoming and I found my Mr SB at one - I now believe in angels .

Ladies - "this shit is hard" - we all know that but there is a glimmer of light for all of us - you just need to find it even if it is a tiny dot in amongst a lot of blackness. Be kind to yourselves, take one step at a time - a minute by minute or day by day - whatever works!

It is going to be a lovely day today - i am on the countdown to the end of my treatment - keep strong ladies - find something small to be grateful for each day! and the days will get better!

I like the idea of the drinks - my Greentini is something with lime as this is what I drink anyway - i think i will enjoy one in the garden later whilst playing this

and this was my motivation that kept me going!

KOKOxx love to you all!

WWK keep meaning to say to you! thinking of you now you have the time to process all the crap, instead of being bogged down by the legal stuff

And as a contrast to my other post this morning......I'm feeling very chipper today. Got my pink shoes on, looking forward to getting in the izzmobile and playing a tune at high volume. I'm still knackered after the infection stuff, but mentally I'm right up there again.

5.5 months since he left

Have faith, those of you at the start of all of this

Green your drink too. You cheeky caahh!!

Good to hear from you, though

Wwk & Whyme, counsellors festooned with qualifications. One was CBT can't remember the other. I tried to remember that this was twunt's version of what they said. However I think a couple of things he passed on were theirs.
Counsellor one said that when women are post menopausal their pheromones change so on a biological level twunt was probably attracted to a younger woman because of that. Well a) I'm not post menopausal, still regular as clockwork, he just assumed because of my age I would be. B) OW only a few years younger than me and c) counsellors poor bloody wife! Was she going to take hrt to keep him onside?

Counsellor two, when twunt said he'd left said " ha, voted with your feet did you", like he was his mate down the pub, then expected twunt's new happy life to begin. To his astonishment twunt promptly had a breakdown when I wouldn't take him back. Counsellor didn't know what to do. Twunt still struggling.

But yes, abusers just use whatever's to hand to abuse with. Counselling's just another weapon in their armoury, a powerful one too. Kick 'em to the curb ladies. An abuser's an abuser, doesn't change, just changes tactics.

Happy Birthday Hobbit, I know it will probably be a bit hard today but hoping that you have a lovely day and that you get spoiled rotten because you deserve it.

I was thinking about this last night, so I'm just going to put it here, then it's out of my head.

Some years back, when I hadn't realised twunt was abusive and I was seriously depressed, I noticed how angrily he'd react if I had any needs, however modestly expressed. For example, if I was ill, he'd find a way of blaming me for causing it or accuse me of attention seeking. Ironically I was already pretty self-sufficient because of a lack of parental nurturing.

As his angry responses became more angry I decided to reduce even more my "demands" on him. I thought it was reasonable to try to live in such a way that I hardly impinged on him at all, that I totally took care of my own needs, physical (if I was ill, needed help with anything) and emotional. I actually tried to become invisible, consciously reducing what I saw as my footprint on the earth.
I loathed myself, I'd suffered from severe abuse from him for over a decade and it had had a devastating affect on me. I think, because I felt so helpless, invisibility was a protective step. If he hardly saw me he couldn't keep ripping me apart.

Eventually after years of this, I started to learn a bit about abuse and very slowly changed things. But having an opinion, however meekly expressed, or disagreeing about how I was being treated (appallingly usually) led to his rage and later accusations of me causing arguments. And thats why he says he left, because of all the "rows".

Once I started gently asserting myself, he couldn't take it, raged and raged, fucked a meeker woman then walked out. What an arsehole, unable to cope with the mildest expression of an alternative human perspective.

The abuse was bad, I'm not exaggerating to justify or explain. Example, an elderly man once patted my shoulder. When we got home I got a vicious backhander across the face. His watch strap sliced my skin open.
He had a tantrum at my mother's funeral and I spent the whole thing trying to placate him while he stomped off or raged at me under his breathe. He hadn't liked the way my sister had looked at him or her tone of voice.

I was constantly afraid, for 18 years.
I think it is because I was a frightened, abused child ( my mum was very cruel) that my response to more abuse was to metaphorically curl up in as tiny a ball as possible so as to make as small a target as I could.

rozalia I have cleaned the windows thoroughly and I mean THOROUGHLY since I got up...practically inside out - all that Winter dust, mould and grime off them - sounds like I never do them but this was a deep clean into all the gunnels - they look great now! Had a coffee and feel quite a bit better.

Get pissed off though that - as others have said - we are left to deal with all the leaky showers etc and then they will expect their share of the place! Knobs!

Wish I had hens!!! Don't think my neighbour would like them though

Happy Birthday Hobbit - what a great day for it! Sun is streaming here.

Morning all, thank you for all your kind birthday wishes, I luffs ya all!
Bit of a head like Birkenhead this morning< this means a hangover for those not fluent in northern> but I deserved it after a very stressful time.

Off out gallivanting today on a magical mystery tour courtesy of my best friend, but heres our mascot today wishing me a good one!

Roz my darling, just read your post and couldn't not reply, you are so strong in the face of such vicious treatment, both physical and emotional, sending you love and strength, these men are just a waste of air, having the rage on your behalf, xx

Can that mascot get any cuter?