HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

His state of mind is not my concern, Izzie my love, if he's going doolally that's her problem ain't it? I just need him to be a man and step up here, we have an autistic son together, he just can't walk away.

I don't care if he's depressed, I don't care about him at all any longer, I care about my child and his future needs, he's just thinking about himself as usual, and how this all affects him, nobody else, if he did, we wouldn't be treading this path now would we?

I did say that to him after mediation ended, I said the only reason we are here is that you wouldn't budge on what you were willing to offer, he then said I am willing to, but then why wouldn't he communicate that to me?

hobbit well done. Fabulous news and an inspiration to us all.

wwk thank you for the vote of confidence. I generally do feel so much better. Less crying in general and funnily enough I do almost feel as if it's me leaving him. He is doing the 'woe is me' routine now rather than me. It's early days yet though and although having him around the house, when he deigns to come home, is difficult - it's easier now that he actually seems to care and realises what he's set in motion. My day to day life also hasn't changed that much I guess yet. Also, and I know I hark on about it, but knowing this thread and you ladies are just an Internet connection away is reassuring and makes me feel less alone.

Welcome to the newer ladies too. A little further down this process I hope to able to offer more words of wisdom but for now just don't let the buggers grind you down!x

Oo well done Hobbit. What on earth is in that blue drink? My ex keeps repeating 'fair and equitable' over and over and over. Someone must be coaching them all the say the same thing. He thinks equitable means equal, er no doesn't work like that when wife has children to support and knobhead earns a fortune.

Go Jess!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oL2ffGI3llw

Hobbit Understood.

I think not being very active, and seeing you and iwas heading down the route makes me realise it must be my turn soon. And doing the shower that was his choice. Anything else in the house is more "me", iykwim. Only just remembered I have the anniversary coming up soon. I think that will be difficult. Wish we hadn't picked a bloody bank holiday to get married. We honeymooned in the area where we currently own the holiday home. Decades later, looking back at the photos, we found one of me sitting on a bench. Behind me was the place we now own. How fucking ironic to think that now it will very possibly be the place he will own by himself and holiday in with the cow who played such a huge part in my marriage breakdown. Oh well, at least I've thought of that now, rather than nearer the time.

I could cope with any of it if he were to get rid of her. I would accept anyone else. In fact anyone who gets that bitch well out of our lives will get a very warm welcome from me. Enough said. DS1 says to me, don't even acknowledge her existence, she's nothing to us and never will be. If only it were that simple. I will cry buckets of relief when/if she really becomes just his history

On a lighter note, Font I now have in my possession "Death at a Funeral*. I've told the kids we are going to have a cinema evening and that it's a really funny film. They are sceptical buggers of course! I'm waiting until my mouth heals so I can laugh without pain.

I have come home from dog walk to find DS watching football (dullsville, man) on TV. Another new thing, he's obviously feeling more and more relaxed.
I'll behave myself and not even ask how many wickets have been scored. Off to eat dinner and I'll rejoin thread later.

On a lighter note, Font I now have in my possession "Death at a Funeral. I've told the kids we are going to have a cinema evening and that it's a really funny film. They are sceptical buggers of course! I'm waiting until my mouth heals so I can laugh without pain.*

The British version Iz? The American one is apparently shite.

Yes I can verify that the US one is shite - watched it last week

Ha Roz no men in this house ergo no footie, rugby or cricket Just other shite? like Towie, MIC, BGT, BB etc. Women rule here - and have full control of the remote

You really wouldn't want to see that roz my love, shall I get my son to do it? Ha ha xx

I forgot to tell you lovely ladies that my ex ( first time I've called him that even though he only left 7 weeks ago ) despite being a bully, controlling etc was stupid enough to not change his computer password and today I found the first letter I'm due to get from his lovely lady solicitor. So I told you all how he is in debt up to his eyeballs and knows every clever trick there is ( except changing his password) ... Well the letter is stating that my 15 yr old doesn't want to live with me and he thinks it's a good idea for me to move out ( to the streets perhaps ) and he's even being kind enough to give me 28 days to do this.. Otherwise he'll just take her ! In fact she's so unhappy with me that she has phoned him begging him to take her away with him. This man pissed away my money ( I'm on benefits after partial removal of brain tumour ). He earns £60,0000 + says I should go so he can move back in. Apparently also if I don't move out I will find myself without maintenance as he wouldn't be able to afford to pay me and move somewhere with my daughter. So he'd be forced to stop paying the mortgage. I'm in the position where I'm having to go bankrupt because I stupidly loved him enough to get in debt for him. So to be honest, him not paying the mortgage makes no difference as either way I'm ending up on the streets ! This man knows if he keeps our dd that he won't have to pay child maintenance! He has never given me a penny anyway. Will my dad ever see that he is playing her just like he did me ? He's happy to tell her I phoned the police on him when he threatened me. Of course he got the sympathy ... But it's ok to make Mum homeless ? It took me 22 years to realise he's a bullshitter ( despite being stupid enough to still love him) . How can I possibly win this impossible battle ? Sorry again for being an angry, confused mess who just didn't expect this crap.

Izzie I've avoided offering any kind of advice to date re separation etc because I honestly don't feel I have enough knowledge and/or experience (yet) but .....I 'm going to dare now ......feel free to tell me I'm talking total nonsense but personally, although I'm not sure I want to hurtle down the path to divorce, I am pushing for him to put a formal separation agreement to me now as I know that I can't really move on without this. I think I read that financially things are working the same for you as when you were living with him. I can absolutely see the comfort of that and why you'd keep going with that arrangement but doesn't that mean you're stuck in limbo? I guess the OW situation in your case perhaps changes things somewhat but......just a thought.....

So glad you are on the mend.x

Ali, I'm so sorry to hear what you're dealing with. Sometimes the cruelty and selfishness of these men is breathtaking. I'm sure he won't be able to bend the law to his will, but there are women much more experienced than me on this thread who will be able to offer good advice.

Thanks, it's just great to find somewhere to vent x

ali I'm daring to advise again but it seems to me that you probably need some good legal advice at this stage? Do you have a solicitor? I've no idea how legal aid works but do you know whether you'd be entitled to claim at all? What I have learnt from reading posts on this thread though is that children - older ones especially - don't seem to be fooled for long by the antics of their fathers if it all. Keep the faith.

WWK, it was his counsellor that said we should keep things amicable for twunt's sake. Or so twunt said. He was always "quoting" his counsellors at me, oddly they universally condemned me and always agreed 100% with twunt.

Eventually, one night he was telling me how both counsellors said he'd be better off without me. "They both sound like arseholes" I answered and shut my bedroom door in his face. He was nonplussed. I'm usually so amicable.

My first day of employment today. Went great, although halfway through the day I got a very long text from twunt, telling me of his regret and sorrow, loneliness and depression.

I don't think at all he was trying to sabotage me or turn my attention back to him where it belongs.

My mentor (unofficial, it's just evolved that way) told me today how good I'm looking now. Relaxed and happy.

Hobbit your success today has been a boost for all of us in the Bar. Great work. As I've had a success today too, I'll join you in that strut. Hang on while I put on my fuck me shoes and strut. Epically.

Ali, this thread is a great place to vent. We're all at different places on the same journey. Compassion, understanding, advice, hand holds, fun, booze, a mascot and epic strutting. It's all here.

Hi, tabbiemy love, drink- vodka, blue bols, tonic water, lime, equals...
Hobbitini!

Hello, first time posting here.

Just over a month ago my husband of nearly 7 years (we've been together on and off for 17 1/2 years and have 2 teenage children, the oldest of whom is about to sit her GCSEs) announced we had some 'issues' and he wasn't sure whether he loved me enough any more. Then after a several weeks of me trying to work out what on earth was going on, he took himself off to stay at his Mum's. That was just over two weeks ago and now he's told me he's found a lovely flat to rent (kindly sending us photos of the lovely view from the windows etc when we live on a housing association estate in a less than beautiful house) and I found out he took his wedding ring off a week ago.

I knew things weren't perfect but we had a lot of good times and I wanted to work through this rough patch. I feel devastated, in shock, angry, hurt, confused and a million other things. The person I was in love with, who I married wouldn't have treated me like this.

As well as the practical aspects (I was a SAHM with no income of my own so have had to apply for JSA etc) I just don't know how to get through this emotionally. I want to have some pride and dignity but every time I see him I get angry then end up crying.

Any advice about how to cope?

Font yes the British version. I must have checked at least 20 times beforehand. I'm very........well, I complain about the FIL, but I do occasionally see parts of myself there

Ali what a horrendous situation. And I have to say, it seems to be the case time and time again on here, as well as in RL, that policemen are the biggest bastards going. The thing is, though, he can threaten what he wants, he can tell you that you can move out into the gutter, but no court is going to go along with that. He's a bullying twunt of the highest degree. I'm glad his employers are aware of his behaviour, not least because I'm beginning to wonder if the people who patrol our streets are actually a worse threat than those they are protecting us from. Do you have any proof that you took over his debts? Because from my previous job, I gathered it was an offence for police to get into financial difficulties? I think you're talking to why? And is it familyof3 whose ex is also a firearms officer. FFS!! Although she hasn't posted for a while I think

1 it's a perfectly valid question, and it's good for people to question us sometimes. So, my answer is, as I see things right now........I've needed time to get my head around my options re a financial settlement. I've now concluded that if I have to move from the marital home, I don't want to buy a cheaper house where I live. I will take the opportunity to do a move to the country. I know where now. But it's a big step for a number of reasons. And I need to get used to that. I'm still mentally taking those deep breaths. I need to make absolutely sure I'm doing this for all the right reasons, and that it's not linked to a desire to get as far away from him and her as possible.

There are various other scenarios financially if he stays with her. He doesn't seem to have any wish to go onto her mortgage, and she seems happy staying in her house. He's expressed a concern to me that he could end up being on no deeds anywhere. One of my suggestions a while back was that he remained co owner here, and if he needed/ wanted his cash out, then we would sell up. That would obviously buy me and the kids time. Anyway, there are various scenarios based on the fact that he doesn't actually need his settlement.

Really major decisions, I take forever to make.

So the way I see it, the house needs finishing off before going to market. My parents inheritance went into this house so I intend getting maximum price. One reason not to rush things. His relationship with her, well it's unstable, so if please god it ends, the scenario will change. My other reason. Not sure the logic behind my thinking of that second one, will have to ponder.

Oh mainly it's because I'm shit scared at the thought of doing the big move to the country. I want to do it, but I don't feel ready enough mentally to go through with it. But I want to do it as part of the settlement if I do, so I don't have to incur moving costs further down the line.

Moving on emotionally.....i don't think it would make too much difference. I think? I see him as:1. Landlord to sort out any major shit that may occur 2. Someone to deal with the financial aspects. I deal with my stuff, when I can be bothered, but it's piling up. 3. The meal ticket? Haha. I spend what I damn well please on the house, not major extravagance, but with a lot more freedom than I would otherwise have as a single person. Got lots of stuff that would be mine on separation of assets, I know what he would take, and it's not the stuff I'm buying.

It seems to suit him. He got his fucking pricey car, double the value of mine. That will be apportioned fairly eventually. So as long as he has the financial freedom he wants, he seems happy to have the security of still having it all in place, I think. I imagine he will want a holiday this year. That's fine. That's my cue to get the apple laptop I've been eyeing up for years. My one needs replacing, he took the whizzy new one, plus got an expensive desktop one for round there.....so we both seem to have what we want for now.

Yes I know what you mean about being in limbo. But I think it suits me for now. I do like my house, much more so now I'm making the changes I planned.

I do wonder what's in his mind, and whether he has a game plan. If he has, I know exactly what it is. Will PM

Hmm I might have to invent a Tabbitini to drink after my FH no idea what I would put in it though.

All I have experienced similar with a DS of the same age. My ex tried to alienate him from me and many times he seemed to be succeeding. For three years on and off I've listened to my DS repeating all of his lies and sometimes saying that his dad is the only one who understands him and that he hates me. His dad caused him severe emotional harm by doing this.

Now take heart. He is still with me. He barely sees or speaks to his dad. He still sometimes says those things but much less than he did. Here's what you need to do. Keep letting your DD know you love her and you'll always be there for her. Listen to her repeating all his lies and gently tell her the truth each time if you can without her getting angry but keep it brief. Sometimes I simply say 'actually that's not true but I don't want you stuck in the middle so I won't say any more about it' if she fights with you and is lovely towards her dad that's because she feels secure in your love but not in his. If she goes with him the chances are she'll come back to you but cross that bridge if it happens. If he's anything like my ex he won't be that interested in her he just wants to get at you.

Yes she will see that he is playing her but gradually and she probably won't reveal that to you.

As for the letter, its nonsense designed to scare you. Have you got a solicitor, they can shield you from a lot of stress by dealing with letters like that for you.

Ali I'm in the same situation re DD although she is older, my oh is a retired pc but his attitude seems the same, even the timescale, he told me he couldn't bear to write me an anniversary card on March 1st. It was our 26 anniversary. I haven't posted before but I have found all the posts on here so inspirational and helpful, take heart that things will get better for all of us, and thank you to the regulars who take time to post such positive supportive stuff

Hmm I might have to invent a Tabbitini to drink after my FH no idea what I would put in it though

Erm, hold on here.

Tabbitini Hobbitini

Pah!

There's only one drink round here. The original, the best, Izzietini fuck off Font

RA&J, what a horrible shock for you. I remember too vividly the awful pain when my husband first told me he was leaving. I hope you are looking after yourself, managing to eat and sleep. Be very kind to yourself as you are currently under such stress.
I'm sure your husband can't just stop paying anything towards your family. Your children are still dependent. Have you looked into what benefits you are eligible for? Adviceguide which is the CAB's website has accurate updated information about benefits and divorce. It might be a good place to start. Make sure you get good legal advice. From reading this and similar threads it appears these men often think they are masters of the universe and what they say goes, regarding finances and other matters. This is not the case.

I have found this thread hugely supportive, although I've only been posting here a couple of weeks, if that. It's a place to vent, which can be a great relief, as well as a source of advice and kindness from women sharing similar experiences.