HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

And I notice he's shifted from 50/50 is "fair". So soon. Jealous (mine went from 70/30 in his favour to 90/10 - arse). Clearly you were born to negotiate! Am in awe.

Well done again.

Cross post! Yippee well done on smashing it. You go girl! Fab news for you.

Absolutely well done Hobbit. Fantastic!!

Hope you did the Dave Strut on the way out.

Soooo pleased for you xxxxx

What's really nice about catching up after a few days is seeing some women starting to make steps that will help them start walking with strides. And I'm really seeing that with you Nogoingback that you're calling him on every single tactic he is deploying from the "PoorMe Arsenal". It's like you've decided to leave the marriage. I'm really pleased you've told your boss to - people really can't help you through the hellish moments if they don't know. Big step. Well done. And you've got a cracking sense of humour - I laughed loudly at the "he snored through..." story. Another snorer, another broken marriage. Just proves it's all their fault (he he he).

Paddling liked the parrot story. It's sad that our marriages were just so harmful over time. Mine was forever telling me I was boring. Horrible. Eventually you come to believe them. But yet, he wasn't so 'boring' when we met. He just needed to ensure he was always the centre of the story. And yes, sometimes he was more boring than a boring tool. But I didn't say so because I'm nice and tactful.

Living you've described exactly how it is 'that you can (just about) cope with everything as long as you don't hear from them. The minute you do, all your feelings overwhelm you and spin you out of 'denial' or 'coping' mode. It's hell. It's also hell whether it comes laced with vitriol or cold indifference. When I was preparing for the FH, I had to revisit some of his 'early' emails in the divorce and I couldn't understand why I found them just so distressing at the time, they weren't always "that bad" but I could hear how he'd have said those words out loud and that made things worse. Some of them of course, were awful. Some of them, make for very amusing reading with hindsight!

Start A warm welcome to the thread. I'm going to start with a very gentle admonishment:

I know my story isn't bad in comparison..... Your story is your hell. It has been incredibly difficult, and depression, in my humble opinion, is what happens when we make unfavourable comparisons with others, and then use that to give ourselves a really hard time for not coping as well as we want! What you've been through is hard enough it makes no difference whether or not you have blue eyes or green or brown. So don't apologise, it's is really hard dealing with something you never wanted, never asked for, and got utterly and totally undermined and near-destroyed in the process. So wallow, cry, and be upset about it. But don't apologise because THIS SHIT HIS HARD. My divorce is over too. I'm still dealing with the after effects, I'm still teary. I still have 'woe is me' moments but I'm fighting to get to 'meh' too. So do rant away to us anytime you like. We get it.

Whyme I think it goes one of two ways once you've taken them to court. For you, you got a favourable outcome at the first hearing, and with the weasel (like MrSW) it just sends them either further higher into the plane of righteous indignation so their behaviour gets worse and worse and worse. Others get the sharp shock required and start fighting for a more reasonable outcome and calm down. For me, I felt really resentful that I was having to be this paragon of virtue and ignore absolutely everything he did to provoke me, whilst he played hell. Feign indifference wherever you can. And as for you "ringing him", I'd just say "I think not". Address or nothing, I'm afraid. And leave him to it. He has to supply it next time you go to court. Them's the rules.

Right another break. Back for the rest in a bit.

In garden now with cocktail and big son, chilling in the sunshine after round one! Thank you all so much for being so supportive, as I suspected the fear of the event was worse than the event itself, will put on unfeasibly tight shorts and heels and strut around garden in triumph now.

Yougotafriend I love the assertive "We need" bollocks. I like your reply more though! Anything that starts with "We need", I just want to say "I need you to realise it's time to stop making decisions on my needs" because I'm perfectly capable of working out what they are. Sounds like you're getting there.

Ali you are so so so early in the shocking process. It does get better but it's truly horrific in the early stages. The first stage is the "He Says" stage where they believe they get to make all the decisions. So "He Says" he's going to get a court order and remove your children. You will, of course, feel heartbroken. There's a thousand women knocking around these parts who come back and say "Oh, yeah, he said X". Didn't happen but they really felt that fear at the time, it was a real fear for them. I'm scared of bungee-jumping, it doesn't mean I'm going to be forced to bungee jump. What they say is going to happen is about a ludicrous as me believing someone is going to harness me up and throw me into the Grand Canyon with the benefit of hindsight. Get yourself some good legal advice. The heartbreak is awful but the heart will heal. It can't help itself either.

Hello to Tabby, Green, Iwas, Bobs, Fuckit. Teapot and Font too.

And Hobbit I'm still delighted for you. Really pleased.

Have a Hobbitini on me ladies!

Very well done Hobbit

Sorry if you were thrown at the start in that your mediator didn't ask what mine did! You actually seem further on in one session than I've got to in 3! At least he's negotiating

Did the mediator actually suggest 70:30 split on the house? I think the barrister I saw last year said that would be a good result if you could get it (and within the "boundaries") but that 60:40 was more the norm. Your turn to let me know if there's anything I can learn

I'm still waiting for the session notes from my last meeting 2 weeks ago which normally include a date of next meeting. Think I'll have to phone the mediator tomorrow because if they're waiting for some sort of proposal from him first, well that's not going to happen without a prompt! (and no, of course he's not procrastinating - he never procrastinates - his words!)

nogoingback what you wrote about his phone call - I recognise it well. I had that all through my marriage. unfortunately you can't reason with that sort of thinking and NC is by far the best - it preserves your sanity

WWK back with a bang, dispensing wisdom everywhere must have been a very cavernous wine cellar

Haha Hobbit that looks likes my toilet water - i'll just go throw a brolly in to complete the look - no doubt yours tastes better

We're expecting a pic of Jess with pom poms next - well Izzie is I'm sure. This'll have to do in the meantime!

Is that granite worktops you've got in that swanky gaff of yours Hobbit?

Hi Bobsy you are a cheeky caahhhh... Toilet water my arse!
I still luffs ya tho' Big thanks to WWK , awesome as per,
Here's our good lady today, cheering me on, < no pom poms though> it's only the first part of the process, but I was so anxious....

Hey Font, it is granite, one of the last things he did before he fucked off was to upgrade the kitchen , shame I've got to sell up now eh?

Ah well, life's shit sometimes, onwards and upwards, xx

I have been very unprofessional today, checking the thread on my phone throughout the day, didn't care who saw me.

You did so well there today, Hobbit, excellent preparation and nerves of steel.

I was thinking about someone, an acquaintance, whose wife got a 70:30 split. He was devastated, apparently, crying. I was thinking that from their point of view, the thought of ending up with only 3/10 of all of their assets must be devastating. I'm not saying it's wrong at all, I'm just saying that if you really think about it, you can see why they will resist that level of split, and why women have to jump through hoops to get it. I know someone will ask the circumstances of that case. All I remember is that he was probably late 40s at the time, stay at home wife, daughters were possibly still at school,but nearly finished. He had taken up with an American woman who had a severely disabled husband following an accident. She sold her home to move to England. Her house wouldn't have been worth much. His house, today's values must be 350/400K, although no idea about mortgage. I live in an expensive part of the country. It was probably a 3/4 bed house. Definitely a semi. He also had to pay spousal maintenance, I think. He didn't have a well paid job.

Hobbit are you aware that with the pension, you would probably need a larger than 50% share of that pot to achieve the same income as him? There is plenty of info online, so please look into it. Also there are different ways of splitting the pension, all with their own benefits and drawbacks. Three ways, I believe. Again, check online. It's a specialist area so I would definitely do thorough research in that area. I put a link recently on this thread, was it a post to EFG??

Jess the talking dog!! Simon Cowell wants a talking dog. Did you see/read re BGT this weekend? Well, he's still waiting.......

I think tonight we will all drink toilet cleaner a Hobbitini. And we need some food to celebrate. bobs get in that kitchen.......

I was thinking about someone, an acquaintance, whose wife got a 70:30 split. He was devastated, apparently, crying. I was thinking that from their point of view, the thought of ending up with only 3/10

Bloody hell, 70:30 doesn't sound too bad and then when you put it as 3/10 it sounds shit. For the one with the 3/10 that is! Weird how the way you write something gives a different impression?!

Another weird thing he kept saying was that he wasn't going to live long so he needed to make the most out of his remaining years.
That was one of the reasons he gave for leaving us and having the affair with her, that life was too short, and you had to take the opportunity for happiness where you could.
I'm sure the mediator hadn't really heard that excuse for not being conducive to giving spousal maintenance before, I don't need to consider it because I'll be dead!

But then in the next breath, he'd talk about buying a house for the both of them , as he didn't want to rent! He was all over the place really, giving different versions of events, how long we had been together etc.

But, I played it cool, kept my counsel and my dignity, and calmly put my case and my sons case forward. He said he would always provide for his family, ( does he mean me? ) and that he wanted to leave an inheritance for his sons so he needed to buy a house.

Ha ha he also said to the mediator that he didn't have a solicitor as they were just money grabbers! To the mediator who is a solicitor!
You couldn't make this shit up could ya?

I was thinking about someone, an acquaintance, whose wife got a 70:30 split. He was devastated, apparently, crying. I was thinking that from their point of view, the thought of ending up with only 3/10

The other thing I remember, is that he self reppped. Don't know about her. The only thing I remember him saying is that she was a lazy caah and ought to go get a job. Oh and it was a hefty load of maintenance, apparently.

You couldn't make this shit up could ya?

This is MLC man we are talking about.......

You did really well to not react to what he said, really really well. Very proud of you

It does make me wonder at the state of his mind. But I assume you don't want to discuss that or speculate. So I will say no more about it.

Why do they ask about the history? Apart from how long the marriage or relationship is, details of children/ offspring? How deeply do they go into other stuff?

Hi Izzie my darling, is your gob ok now? Tee HEE, had a few Hobbitinis now big son now cooking us some food before I collapse in a drunken heap.

There wasn't a lot of history to be honest, just how long we had been married, and about the children etc, no mention of the circumstances around the split, just that he was cohabiting with a new partner.

So didn't get to tell my tale of woe, just how to divide the assets of the marriage fairly. FF kept saying , ' fair and equitable' like some kind of deranged parrot, < which he does resemble somewhat>

That's not fair and equitable, this isn't fair and equitable, like a fucking broken record! He's seen that phrase and has clutched it to his chest like a drowning man does a lifebuoy, he needs to get a better vocabulary for the next session!

Haha, you go for it! It's a lot better thanks. I still can only eat slowly and have to squash my sandwiches before I eat them. And I notice that if I talk loudly, it hurts. I'm hungry, she says wistfully.....

Catch you later, got to dismantle the obstacle course now. Translation: move stuff in the old bedroom to the loft. I have some pride when builders come......

Oh this is such a relief Hobbitwife001 - I know I haven't known your story long but you were on my mind today. Love the pic of Jess ! Lovely girl...well done today and enjoy your drinks!

I will give him a phrase: " let's deal with this iin a professional way". My ex is always professional. I know this because he tells me lots of times. I also know that when he says he will reply in the morning, he means he will reply when he can. I should have known that, apparently. Clearly office life is not what it was when I last worked in such settings

Or how about: "chickens coming home to roost"

PS maybe give up on the Dave Strut when pissed!

Hobbit Next time he starts spouting "Fair and equitable", recite parrot fashion,

"Fairness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder".

Oh, did I mention, "fairness, like morality, is in the dick of the shagger?

And come to think of it, "Fairness, like idiocy, is the mouth of the speaker.

Oh, I could hours of fun with body parts on this one...thanks Mr Hobbit!

will put on unfeasibly tight shorts and heels and strut around garden in triumph now.

If there isn't a photo, it hasn't happened.