Is this ' too picky'

[brentonstripeandredlipstick]

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

Oh AuntieDee what did you do to them to make 'em reach for the fags again!

Forget lists. Anyone with any common sense is not going to want to date a man who spends hours gaming, a wife beater, a chap who can't be bothered to work or a drug addict. The little things, with the right man, are not important.

One of my oldest male friends runs his own very successful business but, due to a medical problem, cannot drive. When he was dating he had so many women turn him down on the fact he did not drive it was funny. He never mentioned that he was rather minted and, when he did finally meet a wonderful woman who could not have cared less, he bought her a rather expensive car and then married her.

The OP does state that her exH was physically abusive to her and then left her with a young baby. Since dating she states that she dates guys for a few months and then dumps them because they are losers in other ways. Maybe not dating for a while would be the best course of action.

A perfectly suitable man may have his own list which could include a woman with no kids, no Guardian-reading types, no women who have had lots of relationships, no woman with a nutty, violent bloke in the background. It works both ways.

Oh I like that MrsC their failings are due to me driving them to it? Just IME once a smoker, always a smoker...

Of course it works both ways, that's the whole point of compatibility. Doesn't mean you should lower your standards though, surely? I would rather be single for life than settle for someone I wasn't compatible with.

Having a list and some of your responses are making you found a bit anal/supercilious. As long as you accept you might not meet anyone, be used you have "a list" then that's fine.

AuntieDee - my sincerest apologies.

"A perfectly suitable man may have his own list which could include a woman with no kids, no Guardian-reading types, no women who have had lots of relationships, no woman with a nutty, violent bloke in the background. It works both ways."

Of course, and I for one would totally accept that. I wouldn't want to date a man who said that. I wouldn't consider it a challenge to change his mind. I'd just be thankful not to have wasted the time.

A man who would actually specify of all things, "no guardian readers" that sounds scarily right wing. Who'd say that.

I drove my ex to take up smoking repeatedly.... I must be really bad to live with.

There's nothing wrong with being picky...or rather, knowing what you want. Arguably, if people were pickier there's be fewer failed marriages/ LTRs.

I was told many times I was too picky, because I wanted a man who was intelligent but not necessarily educated (school of life rather than uni), practical, could cook, do DIY, but also kind, considerate, sensitive etc. Had worked in lots of different jobs, had seen plenty of life. Was broad shouldered, with big manly hands. Financially solvent, decent job. And so on.

There was other stuff too, more of a preference than essential, I didn't want someone into gaming, who worked in an office, not with facial hair.

That was what I'd wanted for years. Seemed completely unachievable to most people i think, lots couldn't understand why as a woman with a degree I'd want someone who didn't have one. But i knew what i was looking for. And eventually by fate (or sheer bloody mindedness on my part!) i found a man who ticked all the important boxes. Except he does a bit of gaming (not much, a bit here and there. Like the OP i didn't want someone who was obsessed with it, but the odd hour on the xbox isn't a problem), he works in an office. And he has facial hair. And really none of that matters, quite the opposite. Especially because he ticks all the important boxes.

So be picky. Know what you want. Work out what are absolute dealbreakers and what are preferences (someone who can't cook...are they willing to try? Are they interested in food but just used to living a bachelor life of Pot Noodles and ready meals? Sometimes people just need a push...i don't drive, it's not exactly a deal breaker for my bf, thankfully, but he's encouraging me to learn. And i will, eventually).

OP you're never going to date a Spaniard, then

(Apart from the kind and funny part)

ClinkLady I assume a right wing man would say that. I just added that as an extra to what some people (male or female) might have on their 'list'.

Any man who had "no Guardian readers" on his list would automatically fail mine, which specifies Guardian-friendly values. That's absolutely as it should be: he & I are incompatible, hence the usefulness of knowing yourself and what you want!

I wish more people were picky when it comes to choosing a potential life partner.

I don't agree with the travelling thing for myself but agree with the rest.

I would also add

No porn watchers or strip club goers.
No one who likes going out to get pissed out of their heads and roll home early hours of the morning.
No trainer wearers (unless they are working out)
Non religious

If dh dies or we ever divorce I doubt I would find another man. He has set the bar pretty high in many respects. I would rather remain single then give up my deal breakers.. well I might over look him wearing trainers if everything else was great ;)

One obvious interpretation of what you've just described, Elizabeth, is that the 3 women are creating their own success independently. They won't compromise their standards or values for the sake of attaching themselves to men.

As very successful women, they're likely to attach to partners who meet their own high standards - and are well-equipped to remain independently successful if they don't, rather than compromise. Other, equally obvious, possibilities are that they are gay, having long-term affairs with married men, or having too much fun shagging around :)

It's telling that you see their unattached status as a problem.

I didn't have a 'list' list as such, just a little voice in my head that insisted I stayed away from Loaded/Nuts readers, for example, or I couldn't date anyone with extremely differing religious views. There was never a list in the back of my diary surround by practice-signatures like Mrs Eric Stoltz as such.

I like a man who can speak a foreign language, but that is a preference, not a dealbreaker.

I don't think these requirements are unreasonable or picky. I think what you are looking for is a normal, modern man. My husband fits all of these criteria. I didn't have a list as such, I just knew the kind of man I liked and would be compatible with.

I think its an excellent list OP. The problem is the quality of men. Maybe you should try to meet a Scandinavian man or something. Or change your circle of where you meet men. Plenty of men like that do exist.

I had a similar list, but on top of all that, I'm really fussy about looks. I just cannot stand irregular features, such as big noses or weak chins. I also think your point about not having lived all their lives in the same place is a good one. You want a man that has a bit of interest in the world outside their doorstep.

Never caused me any problems

I understand a few from your list but tbh unless you're royalty the yes you are being somewhat picky. You're looking for Mr Perfect. He ain't out there. This is the real world. It's not a princess's fairytale.
The bit about he must have lived in another country got me. Not everyone gets these opportunities. That doesn't make them a bad potential partner.

I always find it funny when people have a "requirement" that a partner doesn't live with their parents or in a house share. The (false) implication being that they are only there because they prefer to live with their parents or in a house share and not because they can't afford to do otherwise! You might as well just admit you don't want anyone not wealthy enough to buy a house (on their own)!

Just read the OP. To each there own, but it is a bit sad that on a day when according to the BBC the smog is so bad that everyone is recommended to avoid exercise, so many people on mumsnet think that driving and having a car are essential components of adulthood.

I am yet to meet a person like the OP who would come anywhere close to satisfying a similar list drawn up by a similar person of the opposite sex.

It is 'picky' in the sense that it goes beyond the basics i.e. not an asshole. There are many perfectly good people who don't drive or are unemployed or can't cook or haven't travelled or like reality TV. But it's a good thing to be picky imo. Don't waste your time with people you aren't compatible with and don't settle. If you're picky though you do need to be happy being single. If you're always complaining to this friend about being single, then she may have been right to point out that you have a more than 'basic' list of requirements.

It sounds fairly basic to me- I wouldn't settle for less.

It didn't say 'other country' - it said 'other county and I prefer people who have moved about a bit.

Definitely someone who has lived on his own, away from parents. You need an independent person who knows how to cook, sew on buttons, clean a toilet etc.

avoir you haven't met the OP so how can you possibly know that??