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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 11/04/2015 08:32

For those who think it's overly picky, are there any traits you know you couldn't live with in a partner? Just because yours are different, doesn't make these wrong. If you know that certain things will mean a relationship won't last long term, what's the point I even starting out down that road if you're a 30-something?

It's one thing having a bit of fun with someone you know isn't the one when you are 20, or even 36 if your not mentally in a place to have a long term relationship, but if you are looking for a partner, there doesn't seem much point in dating someone who had personality traits you wouldn't be able to live with (looks, career choice, history, all those things you can work round if you get on, but attitudes to life need to be similar).

As for saying she's after someone rich because she wants someone who can live independently - the op said she's not in London, and wants a man who actually has a proper job. A 40 year old who's working outside of London can live independently if he wants to, perhaps not to the standard provided for him by parents, but could live independently - the choice not to is telling about what sort of person he is, some wouldn't mind that, but the op doesn't want that sort of man, perfectly sensible judgment to make.

DinosaursRoar · 11/04/2015 08:39

Re the driving thing, in many parts of the country with bad public transport, it really limits you if you can't drive. Where I am it's fine if you want to go to London or to the coast in the other direction, but anywhere else is a nightmare without a car. (Including the supermarket, there's an infrequent bus service, but the assumption is you'll drive, this was a shock when I moved out of London, we needed 2 cars all of a sudden).

If you live in an area like that and are the only driver in a relationship, it ends up with the drive doing all the running around, never being the one to have a drink with dinner, never getting to pick the place near their home... It can be a bit shit.

businesshoursareover · 11/04/2015 08:44

So you'd be OK with a 42 yo, 5'6'', plump, balding delivery man who rents and has a kid at home (like you) but fits all the other criteria, OP?

nooyearnooname · 11/04/2015 08:56

I haven't RTFT, but I wonder if perhaps the use of the word 'picky' has derailed what your friend is trying to say. I have a friend who is in her 40s and single for a long time and she too has a list. The bits I can remember are:

Must be university educated
Must earn more than me (she earns c100k so this is quite difficult!)
Must be blond
Must be over 6ft
Must like skiing

And she will not deviate from it, doesn't see why she should compromise, but still is very upset about being single and childless in her 40s and doesn't understand why, goes on about it a lot. Every bloke she dates for a little while invariably gets dumped for reasons the rest of us find hilarious (doesn't like his taste in music, he wore a bad shirt, still has his teddy bear from childhood) she simply doesn't see that relationships are all about compromise.

Your list seems far more sensible than hers to me, but I do wonder if your friend was simply trying say that perhaps you are stopping yourself from meeting Mr Almost Perfect Other Than Reads The Sun Occasionally by having these criteria that you won't compromise on.

Disclaimer: I read the Sun occasionally Grin

businesshoursareover · 11/04/2015 09:10

nooyearnooname,

Are you saying that the guys she dates and dumps for those reasons are 6', not balding and earn over 100k?

Twinklestein · 11/04/2015 09:29

I do wonder what godawful men some some must know that they think the list is picky.

Every single man I know fits all the criteria apart from the fact that 2 don't drive (and what a nightmare that is for their partners).

Some are better at cooking than others, but they can all cook a meal, even including my parents' friends who are 77.

To me, the list is simply a bare minimum.

Twinklestein · 11/04/2015 09:33

Nooyearnooname - that is great example of genuinely picky, and actively unrealistic. In contrast to the OP.

brentonstripesrus · 11/04/2015 09:35

This reply has been deleted

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LynetteScavo · 11/04/2015 09:47

Not too picky at all. My list would be a lot longer.

I'm astounded at how un-picky so many people are. Then funny enough the relationship doesn't last.

ClinkLady · 11/04/2015 09:47

My last bf was no looker either but I did genuinely feel a connection with him so I was attracted to him at the time. Now, different story.

Carry on being fussy OP

I lived at home for a while but I had a plan. I wouldn't necessarily rule out a man for living with his parent(s). It would depend. I think it's something that's become short hand for a lot of negative attributes and in a recession, that short hand is not necessarily true, so I would definitely judge that one on an individual basis!

businesshoursareover · 11/04/2015 09:49

Fair enough, but you have to understand that men in their prime (35-45 yo) who have their shit together might not go for a 36 yo with a kid and baggage. Why should they settle when they can easily find someone far better? I mean, people who can afford a new Porsche don't usually by used Toyota's, do they?

Twinklestein · 11/04/2015 09:52

She's not being fussy!

If a man lives with his parents at 36 there's something wrong!

businesshoursareover · 11/04/2015 09:52

buy*

lastlines · 11/04/2015 09:54

Brenton you haven't been nearly picky enough in the past. You are so right to raise your game. FFS men having dinner with their mum and getting you to ferry them to the supermarket! How could you contain your passion Wink?

EquinoxEclipse · 11/04/2015 09:55

Why have you changed your name during the thread OP? Confused

Twinklestein · 11/04/2015 10:02

Erm businesshours, I spy with my little eye, a bitter screwed up male poster come for a dig.

That age-group are actually knocking on middle-age. At that point, everybody has baggage, including guys, as they will have previous relationship, possibly kids of their own etc. I won't even dignify the Porsche bollocks with a response.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 11/04/2015 10:22

Completely agree with you Twinklestein - some people's idea of "too picky" is shocking - these are basic requirements.

As for Businesshours comment - have you seen what the average 36 year old British woman looks like versus the average 36 year old bloke? The delusion that these 40 odd (balding, beer bellied average earning) sex gods have their pick of 20 somethings is hilariously tragic.

Joan0fArk · 11/04/2015 10:26

Yes, it is hilarious and in real life they know it, but then they go on the internet and people who haven't met them might give them one date. they go on an endless round of one dates with younger women and think that they are successful with younger women.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/04/2015 10:28

What the OP is talking about is compatibility with her views and her lifestyle. I could argue the toss about some of the items on her list because I... or because I know some delightful men who... that doesn't mean those traits would work for her. I have a computer games habit, two of my sons don't drive but are very good at getting themselves around by public transport, so she wouldn't date anyone in my family, so what? There have been examples in this thread such as one won't date anyone who isn't religious, another won't date anyone who is. These are both perfectly legitimate requirements, and thank goodness we don't all want the same thing or half a dozen poor chaps would have to fend off thousands of women while the rest of the male population sat miserably on the sidelines.

So you'd be OK with a 42 yo, 5'6'', plump, balding delivery man who rents and has a kid at home (like you) but fits all the other criteria, OP?

That is, of course, a daft position to be coming from as she did not say she would instantly marry anyone who did fulfil the listed criteria, she just said she was no longer prepared to start a relationship with anyone who didn't. That said, I don't see anything wrong with the description. Bob Hoskins where art thou?

businesshoursareover · 11/04/2015 10:43

An average income, 36 yo man with decent looks (and many times not depending on personality, income etc) can do much better than a 36 yo woman with a kid. He could easily find a childless woman in her mid-late 20's. In fact 30 is now the average age UK women now marry and have their first baby. And since men are on average 3 years older than their wives the setup is pretty close to the norm.

businesshoursareover · 11/04/2015 10:50

Also, just because she can offer all those things it doesn't mean that men have the same expectations of her. Men and women have very different priorities, check every study ever made or simply go to any dating site (whether it's physical, financial or personality related ). My wife lived with her parents and had a shit PT job making $200/mo. Did I care? Nope. These things are far less important or even irrelevant to the average man. 12 years on and no regrets.

Gralick · 11/04/2015 10:54

He could easily find a childless woman in her mid-late 20's.

He couldn't necessarily find one who gets on with him well enough to form a long-term relationship. You seem to be setting the bar very low for men, business, assuming they don't care about anything beyond age & sexual availability in their partners. Are you by any chance a fairly unprepossessing 36-year-old man with low standards?

Twinklestein · 11/04/2015 10:59

Business is just a troll. If you check his history, his only posts are this thread.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/04/2015 11:02

This was dealt with a couple of pages ago. A younger woman who has not had a child is not necessarily "better". Your theoretical solvent, pleasant-looking mid-30s bloke with no distressing personal habits may be looking for a solvent, pleasant-looking mid-30s woman with similar interests. If he likes the kid that could be a plus, not a minus! There is no "better", just "what suits". If he is looking for young, free and single, then the OP's profile won't float his boat and they won't waste each other's time. I really fail to see what the problem is here.

Are you, perhaps, implying the OP should be grateful for any man under 50 who is not a complete nightmare showing interest in her? Hmm Or are you merely falling into the same trap as several others, in that because you are happy with someone who wouldn't have fitted her criteria then her criteria are wrong?

MagentaOeuflon · 11/04/2015 11:03

I think you could be a bit more flexible about things like driving and cooking - those things can be learned if necessary, or maybe some people don't drive because they've decided against it for eco reasons etc. - it doesn't mean they're useless.

I think what your list says is you want a man who's not an overgrown baby. Which is a fine principle but it's not always just about ticking things off a list - it's a general principle. An awful manchild could have a high-paid job, drive a great car and live in a penthouse. A proper, grown-up man could ride a bike, be living at his parents while he saves a deposit, or to care for a parent, and have a modest job that is his passion.

It's not picky to want a real man, just be aware that he could come in various packages, and as others have said, box-ticking doesn't always mean great results.