Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 10/04/2015 14:26

I think its a useful list. I dated a lot of frogs, looking for my prince, before i realised that i was not paying enough attention to the person in the early stages, so that by the time i noticed their less compatible elements, i was already heavily invested in them, so tended to ignore these until they got to much.

Using early dates to find out, have them show , rather than tell, me what sort of person they are, is a much better way of going about things.

I absolutely agree with the moving around thing. I don't think it matters where, but having the experience of starting from scratch in a new area, having to build up friends and networks, is enormously helpful to show what people are made of.

One thing i wish I had added to the list, is a willingness to clean up as well as cook, ideally clear up as they go along, rather than using every spoon in the house to create a food experience.

Oh, and a willingness to talk about areas of disagreement and come to an compromise acceptable to both, rather than being too rigid.

I'd also encourage you to enjoy the process of meeting new people and finding out what they are like. Kindest regards xx

Kvetch15 · 10/04/2015 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewLeaflet · 10/04/2015 14:44

I started off thinking you were a bit picky about things like them being able to drive but have now come to the conclusion that you are not picky enough. Really filter them more thoroughly before wasting 2 months on them.

Gralick · 10/04/2015 15:01

My list WAS very similar, then I married XH2 who fitted the bill. It was a fucking disaster. My list is now the length of a small novel Grin

OK, I'm contentedly single long-term and I'm not denying that I'm a bit hyper-vigilant after too many traumatic experiences. But I'm only saying I know myself now, know what makes me happier and what winds me up. I think that's quite sensible of me.

For someone actively seeking a partner to start a family with, OP's list is good. It's about basic compatibility and minimal reliability. Who on earth would advise anyone to choose a partner she couldn't get along with and couldn't run his own life effectively??

ClinkLady · 10/04/2015 15:25

Also, in defence of the OP who I think has bizarrely been given a hard time by some Confused dating is not like say, feeding our kids. YOu don't have to. You can say no thanks.

If people say "you're too picky" I'd wager they are the very ones who on some level feel that they could have been pickier themselves, because nobody who truly believes that their partner is one in a million would have a go at somebody else for being too picky.

OP was asked if she would meet somebody else's list, implying that she needs to take a look at herself and see if she's all that Confused Well again, I completely get where the OP is coming from. It doesn't sound like she's asking for anything she can't offer herself!

I'd be in the same situation. I'm solvent, sane, sociable, decent, generous to my friends and family, employed, I have interests, I don't engage in self-destructive behaviours, I'm healthy and happy. Is it suddenly "picky" to ask for the same as you can offer yourself??

This thread and its repsonses (some of them) make me wonder if women are just expected to "date down". And that seems to be what's out there. The only dates I can find easily are men 10 years older or men younger than I am who are mature students without a pot to ............. in

loveareadingthanks · 10/04/2015 15:30

'It was a fucking disaster. My list is now the length of a small novel'

Funny how that happens. Grin

NewLeaflet · 10/04/2015 15:34

Ha. I suspect I would now be ridiculously picky - I haven't just split with my good looking, intelligent, solvent, capable ex in order to put up with just anyone. In fact, I did think long and hard about the fact that I am more than happy to be single before splitting.

ClinkLady · 10/04/2015 15:39

That's so true. My x was handsome, tall, professional, solvent, sane. He wasn't generous, decent, good humoured or kind.

Now I would place more of a priority on generosity, decency, good humour and kindness but there has to be a basic level of being able to manage your own financial life......... Not wealth I don't mean wealth!

NewLeaflet · 10/04/2015 15:41

No - wealth not needed, just not living beyond their means.

derxa · 10/04/2015 15:44

You can be as picky as you like but the man you describe in your list has a lot more options than you. He has the option of dating 20-30 year old women who have no children. That's the harsh reality. You have every right to look for someone who fits the bill and I hope you do.

WyrdByrd · 10/04/2015 15:45

The leaving the county thing is important to me also. I've travelled and lived abroad. its the sense of adventure and culture

I think this is possibly ABU. I'm nearly 40 and have lived in my home town since we moved here when I was three (communted to college in the next county).

Combination of money & timing never coming together, and highly strung elderly parent and no other family around have meant that I haven't travelled as much as I would have loved to. It's a bit small minded imho to think that just because someone hasn't travelled yet that they have no sense of adventure or interest in other cultures.

Otherwise, not unreasonable at all, and they are your criteria. Just be careful what you wish for re the cooking, I'm married to a chef and he never cooks at home!

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 10/04/2015 15:54

Completely agree with ClinkLady.

Some of the comments here are Shock

trevortrevorslatterfry · 10/04/2015 16:15

My list had 1 thing on it

Lets me be myself

and it sounds like the OP's criteria do the same. Why should she put up with a way of life she would not choose for herself, or have to feign interest in TV shows / pastimes she doesn't like?

Definitely not too picky OP.

mysparkleismissing · 10/04/2015 16:51

I like your list similar to my own. as well as

  • good with money
  • working
  • ideally can cook
ClinkLady · 10/04/2015 17:00

Whilst that is true that these men can date much younger women than I am, those younger women probably are still more focussed on wealth and physical attributes. Not all the forty somethings are going to be able to date significantly younger women. They'd be lucky to date women their own age some of them.

If I'm single for the rest of my life so be it.

ClinkLady · 10/04/2015 17:05

Derxa, I listened to the freakonomics pod cast about on line dating a few days ago and they guy does try to bring economics in to it. But I guess the bottom line for a lot of women is that they would rather stay single than date hopeless men. The number of 'older men' who can get away with (if you like) dating younger women (5+) is not that large.
I saw a study somewhere saying that men want to date women twenty years younger than them but in actual fact according to census reports the average age gap is still about 2 years. So men may want to date women decades younger than them but MOSTLY they don't / can't.

Kvetch15 · 10/04/2015 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClinkLady · 10/04/2015 17:13

Even women who date older men don't always want it to lead anywhere.

Upper end of the scale here, me being in my forties and the man I dated being in his fifties with just over a ten year age gap. I went in to it think ''well ok, for a while then.........' and then the 'while' ended for me, I'd had enough and that was that. I wanted out. He didn't. I wonder how many times a man would put himself through that before he'd date somebody closer to his own age. I'm only thinking out loud here.

When it comes to men in their forties, so, my age group, my female friends are all still slim with their own hair and teeth and the men our age turn US off. Not all, obviously there are men my age who are still attractive, but I find it hard to believe that these men my age who seem to look older than I feel I look would be attractive to 30 somethings. There's an exception to every rule of course but I'm thinking that this whole 'dating much younger women' thing that men think is a rule or a norm..... it's not something that applies to every man is it!?

Skiptonlass · 10/04/2015 17:23

I don't think its too unreasonable a list, but I would say that you shouldn't discount anyone you have a connection with because they don't meet one of your criteria :)

I think for me it'd be.

Kind
Intelligent
Sense of humour
Not religious
Clean (basic hygeine is a must)
Has a career

Moustaches, religiosity and poor hygeine are big no nos.

I once was in the pub with a girl who said that any man she dated simply had to have regular manicures... Then in the same breath bemoaned her single status...

Twinklestein · 10/04/2015 17:25

derxa

That's a myth put about mainly by men.

Bottom line is 20 & 30something women want men in their own age-group. How many women here dated a 40something man in their 20s? A few, no doubt, but I don't know anyone personally who did.

A 40something male friend of mine joined an OD place & all the women in that age-group had an age-limit of only a few years above their own set on their profiles, so he couldn't even contact them. Anyway, he wanted a woman his own age, having dated a younger woman previously and ended up parenting her.

derxa · 10/04/2015 17:27

Clink Lady What do I know? I'm an old codger who doesn't understand modern dating at all. People should aim high and value themselves highly as well. However, surely it's about being happy and trying to find someone with good values/intelligence/kindness who you have a strong attraction to. Some men will also have their own 'lists' of attributes though.For many the top attributes will be confidence and physical beauty.

Twinklestein · 10/04/2015 17:31

For many the top attributes will be confidence and physical beauty

They may well be, but given the appearance of the average British male, getting them is rather unlikely.

Gralick · 10/04/2015 17:31

I'm thinking that this whole 'dating much younger women' thing that men think is a rule or a norm..... it's not something that applies to every man is it!?

Hell, no! On my shortlived forays into online dating, I automatically binned off all the men specifying an age range that didn't reach above their own age (although several contacted me.) To my mind, it indicates that they're either intellectually insecure or see women as sexual commodities, and unimaginatively at that. They think they 'should have' a younger woman, just as they might feel they 'should have' a newer car.

XH2 was 12 years younger than me - it wasn't the reason we broke up - and spent a few months in a dating frenzy with younger women, as urged by practically everyone. He said he found them boring and married a woman his own age. Even my lothario of a brother avoids women more than about 7 years younger than him, although he's most people's idea of a great catch.

AuntieDee · 10/04/2015 19:14

I've dumped someone for having smelly feet. It was less the foot odour that was the problem and more that his bedroom smelled the same. Could never beat to stay in there long enough 'consummate' the relationship.

I used to only have 'no smokers' - I extended that to 'no ex-smokers' as every guy who I ever dated who had quit smoking, started again :(

ClinkLady · 10/04/2015 19:22

Derxa, I'm an old codger as well I guess, 45.

I didn't mean to disagree with you, I just agree with twinklestein that it's a myth that men cling to. None of my friends went out with older men when I was young. Literally the biggest age gap I can think of amongst my own age group would be 9 years. And that guy was handsome and wealthy.

Obviously there are no rules carved in stone and there's no accounting for taste. I don't have a list as such but I have higher boundaries now and if somebody seems to be selfish or taking more than they're giving then I find I'm mentally able to reverse. I just don't find it hard to detach like I would have done when I was younger!

Ideally I'd prefer a non-smoker but the man I was the most keen on since leaving my handsome, wealthy,professional non-smoking x was a smoker and I was nuts about it about the time and I didn't mind.

My x is now dating a younger model. But to be really blunt (can I be blunt? I am talking about my xh's new gf) she is a paler version of me in every way. The only thing she has over me is youth. She seems like a bit of a wet lettuce to me, heaven help her, she'll need a spine if she tethers herself to him permanently.