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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
popalot · 10/04/2015 11:42

Nope, not picky at all - that's exactly what I wanted from a man and I found him! I think they are all crucial, to show his independence and interests outside of work. Keep looking, you'll find him.

bleedingheart · 10/04/2015 11:44

Thing is OP, I think when you've gone 'off list', you've gone majorly off list! To the other extreme even.

I don't know why you even bothered dating the guy who plays games 16hrs a day. What is a grown woman with a child going to get from that relationship?

It's one thing to say 'I like this guy but he is living back with his mum because he's just moved back from abroad and is saving for a house' and another to say 'His mum makes his favourite dinner every Friday night at 7pm, he can't be late!' They're two similar but very different cases.

I don't think you should change your list but you could stop casting your pearls before swine, as you will just get more and more disillusioned.

Some people will not have the same list as you so they will say you are picky but they might have strict physical requirements or career requirements or any number of dealbreakers which you haven't listed.

Good luck!

zigazigah01 · 10/04/2015 11:52

I do think the travel thing a bit snobby tbh.

I've not "travelled" but I have a career that I've worked hard at. Nothing bugs me more on dating sites than folk going on about "travelling" sorry.

Also I think it is unwise to be too prescriptive about anything, because you never know who is just round the corner. Perhaps if you fell hard enough for someone stuff like they can't cook (atm) wouldn't matter so much.

OnlyLovers · 10/04/2015 11:55

TBF, zig, by 'travelling' the OP only means 'left the county you live in'.

flightywoman · 10/04/2015 11:59

I really don't see how having a list of things that you find acceptable is 'picky' - you're talking about a potential life-partner and at the least someone to spend time with and be intimate with. I was similarly prescriptive, though when the right person came along I did make a few compromises - and so did he! But they were the compromises we both felt comfortable about. No coercion or expectation that one was more important than another.

The thing is, it doesn't matter a jot what anyone else thinks or would do or has done. This is your potential bloke and therefore all that matters is how he makes you feel. Everyone else can date the ones you don't want!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 10/04/2015 12:03

Greta, going by your nickname, are you 28? so you met your now-husband when you were 23?

The OP is 36. It makes a difference.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2015 12:05

Not too picky at all. It's your life. Tell her to date whom she likes and you do the same. There is nothing wrong with being single, either, even long-term. Just read the boards here: so many women putting up with dickheads.

thisisnow · 10/04/2015 12:08

I agree not too picky, you know what you want and why should you settle for less?

When you say travelling do you mean a "Gap yah" or basically has holidays that aren't packaged/skegness type thing?

Mclary · 10/04/2015 12:10

I think you've been very unfortunate with the guys you've been out with.
They don't sound like anyone I've ever met.
Maybe it's the town, is it a real backwater? Maybe you need to move!

Greta28 · 10/04/2015 12:10

Tortoise no, we were fair bit older. Number 28 relates to something else.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 10/04/2015 12:18

Some absolutely mental responses OP. Your list is perfectly reasonable.

You're allowed to be as snobbish and prejudiced as you like when it comes to sexual and emotional relationships - if you wanted to dump someone for wearing the wrong colour pants or for saying "couch" instead of "sofa" then that's completely up to you. Dating is not an equal opportunities activity.

The relationships board would be a lot less busy and a lot less depressing if we enforced higher standards in our relationships. Men in particular are always told they are fine just as they are and their smallest achievements lauded. But a lot of them aren't even close to being fine.

Also just because the OP's list isn't yours doesn't mean she's wrong.

GreatAuntDinah · 10/04/2015 12:20

Not too picky at all. Just one thing though, just because a guy ticks all the right boxes doesn't mean the relationship will work... I had a thing with a guy who was perfect on paper but god he was just the most irritating person ever. Kind, but irritating.
DH didn't tick some boxes I thought were important, but showed me some other boxes I didn't even know were on the list Grin

zigazigah01 · 10/04/2015 12:32

Well I've not left the country I live in to stay elsewhere. But I have a better career than those people I know who've moved abroad. So would still say I'm a good catch!

Generally my point is that if you are too prescriptive you may miss someone great.

OnlyLovers · 10/04/2015 12:35

zig, the OP says 'left the COUNTY' not the country!

Zucker · 10/04/2015 12:37

Jesus what's with the claws out attitude of some of the posts? Maybe you're failing their lists OP WTF!

Bitching and standing up for these men you don't even know is amazing really.

Good list OP, I admire you for having standards, as having read some threads over the years it's clear many women just have none.

I'm still laughing at the man who works part time to facilitate gaming though.

flightywoman · 10/04/2015 12:58

FWIW, I was once told by a boyf that he would never be in love with me because I couldn't bowl and I walked 'wrong'.

THAT'S picky!

Maliceaforethought · 10/04/2015 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newbieman1978 · 10/04/2015 13:12

I like the sun newspaper one! Liverpool connection?

I'd add all newspapers, to me anyone with a decent mind will choose to find information in better ways than newspapers.

aphrodites · 10/04/2015 13:30

I thought it was an ironic list initially, I'm not sure I would associate with anyone who did drugs, who is petty criminal or unemployed bum let alone date.

A few of the qualities you mention are very subjective ,you might meet someone who makes you happy but maybe isn't the funniest person.

The same people that say you're being unreasonable are the same people who spend every birthday, mothers day, valentines day insert other observed holidays complaining to anyone that will listen that they're not appreciated, they're not being proposed to, they have to do all the child care because man child doesn't do nappies.

You will meet someone eventually and won't have to compromise before you've started, don't feel you have to settle or put up with morons.

I'm not sure I could have married anyone else but DH, I've not come across anyone who I have more in common with, if I had been single in the last few years I'm sure I would died alone - I can't stand tattoos and currently it seems that puts you in the minority.

peggyundercrackers · 10/04/2015 13:34

I think you sound picky but if that's what you want that's fine.

I think your list is much longer than the one at the start because you keep adding in bits and pieces here and there when other people mention things so in reality its 3 or 4 times as long as that.

also when you described yourself as a free spirit... made me think erm... next. if I was dating someone or went out with someone and they said they were a free spirit I would be looking for the door.

loveareadingthanks · 10/04/2015 13:35

OP has explained the houseshare thing, and that she realises there are different types and approaches to it. She doesn't want the studenty grotty lifestyle ones.

I was very tempted to move into a houseshare a couple of years ago. Amazing luxury house worth well over a million, 'grounds' rather than garden, gym, room was a mini-suite. Very tempted indeed. Only sharing with a couple of people as well...but I just wanted my privacy a little bit more and got a little flat for a bit less money. I do wonder if I did the right thing sometimes...

pompodd · 10/04/2015 13:58

I'm a man (in case it matters!).

I do find the word "picky" a bit odd here. I think it's the presumption behind it being: the priority is to get a man. Even if it's one that doesn't really measure up to what you actually want. Any port in a storm, don't want to be left on the shelf etc. etc.

I might be overdoing it a bit there, but hopefully you know what I mean. I also think that men in the same situation are not normally labelled as "picky" so perhaps there's a whiff of misogyny about it all too.

All of that said, I'm probably the sort of man who would be put off by feeling that I needed to measure up to a list of criteria so I'd say it's fine (in fact, essential!) to be clear about what you want and don't want, but I'd be wary of how you might appear to potential dates if you are very obvious about your "list of requirements".

BrowersBlues · 10/04/2015 14:06

Those things would be on my list too if I had a list which I don't. The one thing I think is missing is 'spark'. I am almost 50 and every man I have ever been in a relationship with I have had an almost instant attraction. Something deep rooted that I can't articulate. Basically I fancied them rotten from the get go.

Out of all the relationships I have been in, about 3 long term, the only one that turned out really really bad was the one I married. The others were really nice, it just didn't work out in the end.

I know loads of men who would tick every single thing on your list and I do not find any of them sexually attractive.

I would focus on the instant attraction and then see how many of the items they tick. I would not compromise on the driving, the xbox but would give a bit of leeway with some of the others.

Some friends of mine are dating guys who live with their mother as they are looking after their mums. They couldn't be happier as they don't want to live with anyone because of their children or just don't want to. One guy doesnt work because he took early retirement and is lovely. I watch reality tv and if the Sun was lying around I would read it.

Where I live people don't tend to move much. I rather envy them as I moved for years to find peace of mind. Moving wasn't ever going to solve that. I did travel a lot for fun as well.

Try going for a bit of raw lust and see how you get on. I hope it works out for you.

MrsFring · 10/04/2015 14:07

Doesn't anyone else have politics on their list? Surely if a bloke supports the Tories and you're Labour it would be an issue?

Twinklestein · 10/04/2015 14:20

I think focusing on instant attraction is not good advice.

First of all, I assume the OP takes attraction as read. It's so obvious surely that it doesn't need to go down on the list?

Secondly, I've had instant attractions to lots of men I have FA in common with, on its own it's not that good a guide.