to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

[BluebellBlues]

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

Jan,

Most of us who consume porn regularly know a lot more about it, and the industry, than people who don't.

Can I ask how much porn you actually watch? And in what genres?

daisy im trying to reassure her that it doesn't mean her DH is an evil man. I find such hysterical reactions amusing indeed.

jjan45 not the OPs partners business what someone else's child decides to do for a living. This is about the OPs partner and DD

So by regularly watching porn that means you know a lot more about the industry, I doubt that very much pocket.

Bluebell - whatever anyone on here thinks, it is clearly worrying YOU.

You need to talk to him asap.

And trust your gut about his response.

Op, he probably isn't even thinking about his daughter when he watches this."

Wow. I bet the OP feels a whole lot better now you've reassured her on the point.........

regular porn use normalises it.... I guess you have to find some way to justify it in your own head

it doesn't make you better educated about it's effects

unless you are saying it's equivalency is that drug addicts know a bit more about drugs....with which of course I would concur but I would question your impartiality

I would also question the morals of someone who read this thread whose first reaction was to find it amusing

bereal7 yes I am sure the OP finds it hilarious that her DH has been looking at incest porn!!

We all have fantasies that we would hate to happen in real life but unfortunately just because you or I don't want things that turn us on in fantasy to happen in real life doesn't mean that they don't.

Horrifically there are men out there who have had sex with their own children and men who do find a 3 year old (and younger) to be a 'sexual figure.'

I think the OP is more than within her rights to tell her DH that she doesn't want him watching incest porn and that he had better have a bloody good explanation for it.

pocketsaviour, I know more about the porn industry than I ever wanted to know. Firsthand. Not going into any more detail. I don't know what porn industry you have been involved in, but it clearly ain't the same one I was up close and personal in. It is not pleasant. It is not consensual. Pornographers are chilling and calculated and cruel.

"Most of us who consume porn regularly know a lot more about it, and the industry, than people who don't."

Really? How, exactly? And if you are a meat eater, do you know more about the farming of beef cattle and slaughter houses than vegetarians? If you go on holiday by air, do you know how jet engines work?

The most shocking thing to me is that he still buys DVD's!!

Still lots of MN hysteria, interesting that people equate watching porn with no sex life. Very often not the case - different people in a relationship have different libidos, sometimes (gasp) they watch it together.

As to imagination, yes it takes you so far - but do you really want hubby laying there thinking about that girl in accounts who is always really chatty and smiles at him a lot.......

AnyFucker I would also question the morals of someone who read this thread whose first reaction was to find it amusing

That wasn't what was said, and you know it.

Bereal said I find such hysterical reactions amusing indeed. - a very different thing.

OP.... What you need to do is talk to him about this! What you don't need to do is listen to the crazies on this site that are telling you to call the police or the NSPCC...... Mental!!!!

Daisychain I legitamised his actions? How? I offered an alternative explination as to how he came to access the DVD, to counter people who jumped to the conclusion that he must have gone looking for incest porn.

How about you stop informing me of what I mean, and rather just read what I said properly?

To those who keep saying that women in the porn industry are raped and unwilling, where exactly are you getting your info and stats?

Genuinly curious.

*Still lots of MN hysteria, interesting that people equate watching porn with no sex life. Very often not the case - different people in a relationship have different libidos, sometimes (gasp) they watch it together.

As to imagination, yes it takes you so far - but do you really want hubby laying there thinking about that girl in accounts who is always really chatty and smiles at him a lot.......*

I've already said the shouts of Police and SS are ridiculous. We are talking a specific type of porn here, incest - not quite the same as your mainstream let's watch a dirty film together somehow.

and yes, personally I'd rather my fella was thinking of her in accounts rather than a girl that looks like a child........don't quite get your point there....

'he probably isn't even thinking about his daughter when he watches this'

And you find that idea so funny that tears actually came out of your eyes?

OP, FWIW I agree that he probably isn't thinking about your dd (although I don't find the idea of it in the least bit amusing). However, there remains and always will remain the idea that he might be and that, I think, is what you will struggle with the most.

The 'morbid curiosity' angle will probably be his response because it is actually the standard response for people caught looking at, or for, images of sex with children.

After all, what else could he say?

The 'morbid curiosity' angle will probably be his response because it is actually the standard response for people caught looking at, or for, images of sex with children.

You are right, and it's what the OP needs to prepare herself for. Better to be prepared and all that.
However, I feel it's important to remember that her DH was not looking at child porn/ sex with children. It was a porn film featuring actresses playing the part of an 18 or 19 year old. Those actresses will be at least 18, more likely early 20s.

Like it or lump it, there's nothing wrong with an 18 year old having sex, with a man of any age. Or watching it, for that matter (from a legal perspective, personal feelings aside).
It's the incest bit that's weird.

Porn is fantasy

Written porn is fantasy.

Filmed porn involving actual people is very much reality for them. It's important to remember that.

When you walk away from your brief few minutes of 'fantasy' they have to do it again and again to earn a living. Just because it is 'someone else's daughter' doesn't mean that it's okay.

And you have to question what life experiences a woman has had that lead her to think that this is a good choice for her. Even if she has consented (which would mean no coercion, no addiction to feed, no abusive partner to satisfy, no children to keep safe).

14 year old girls can be made up to look in their twenties, we've all done it when trying to get into clubs etc....how exactly do you know these girls are at least 18, into their 20s, the porn industry is poorly controlled, nobody has any way of knowing what is the real age of any of the girls.

Whatever happened to morals, an 18 year old having sex with a 70 year old man is ok cos it's legit....jeez.

EXACTLY, Fairenuff

I spent a short period volunteering with street prostitutes in a big UK city.

NONE of them had okay boundaries, due to abuse, prior to the sex work.
If they had, they couldn't have done it, - it was what led them into it.

Just because it is someone else's child, on film, and they didnt have literal or metaphorical 'gun to the head' doesn't make it okay.

OP, hope you are okay as this thread has got quite heated.

Talk to him.

This is for porn produced in the US but other countries have similar laws and regulations:

"The Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement Act of 1988 (Pub. L. 100–690, title VII, subtitle N (§7501 et seq.), Nov. 18, 1988, 102 Stat. 4485, 18 U.S.C. § 2251 et seq.) is a United States Act of Congress, and part of the United States Code, which places stringent record-keeping requirements on the producers of actual, sexually explicit materials. The guidelines for enforcing these laws (colloquially known as 2257 Regulations (C.F.R. Part 75), part of the United States Code of Federal Regulations, require producers of sexually explicit material to obtain proof of age for every model they shoot, and retain those records. Federal inspectors may at any time launch inspections of these records and prosecute any infraction."

that's about as useful and true as the drug laws in America.

I can't imagine why the proponents of a massively lucrative industry that prizes youth over everything else, driven by it's consumers, would break a law like that

Jan45 I do not dispute that this happens, I was merely distinguishing between OP's DH seeming to posses legal porn films vs illegal child porn.

They are two very different things. OP has asked how to approach the idea of her DH looking at legal films.
People are advising her about how to handle him watching and searching for child porn, which is not what the OP was about.