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Original poster

to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

339 replies

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 08:44

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 09/04/2015 14:37

How can there be a genuine reason for looking for incest porn?!

OxfordBags · 09/04/2015 14:39

Yes, UncertainSmile, it's ridiculous to be concerned about a man with a daughter who is seeking out incest porn. All the eyerolls...

UncertainSmile · 09/04/2015 14:42

If you'd read the posts of the OP, you'd notice she's screening out all the extreme stuff such as contacting the police/SS.

Aridane · 09/04/2015 14:44

OP - have PM'd you.

HubertCumberdale · 09/04/2015 14:45

Oxford As someone has said, he may not have been looking for it but rather come accross it (ahem) whilst looking at something else, and got excited by the tabboo nature of it.

Have you never looked up something on Wikipedia, clicked through, clicked through, then 40 mins later you're thinking 'how on earth have I ended up reading about victorian serial killers?'

Could be a similar thing. I'm not saying it doesn't still warrant a conversation, but it's not as simple as 'he MUST have been looking for it!'

Fairenuff · 09/04/2015 14:46

She can't screen it out until she's read it. It's there, it's an option, OP knows this, she just isn't considering it at the moment but I am absolutely certain that the welfare of her children is her priority should she discover anything more sinister.

OP when you have the chat ask him why he only started looking for father/daughter porn after he had a daughter of his own.

Fairenuff · 09/04/2015 14:49

Have you never looked up something on Wikipedia, clicked through, clicked through, then 40 mins later you're thinking 'how on earth have I ended up reading about victorian serial killers?'

But to put that in the context of this thread, that would have to read:

'Have you never looked up something on Wikipedia, clicked through, clicked through, then 40 mins later you're thinking 'how on earth have I ended up ordering incest porn dvds?'

To which the answer would be, no, I've never done that.

UncertainSmile · 09/04/2015 14:52

Personally, I think that UnsolvedMystery's post at 12:13 today has been the most constructive.

HubertCumberdale · 09/04/2015 14:54

OK, to put it into better context.

He's watching 'straight' porn, likes a particular actress. Clicks on suggested titles, sees another one she's in, clicks through. There are more suggested titles, one of them is the actress in 'but he's my father!'. Morbid curiosity. Clicks through, saves the title.

It's not a situation that gets him off the hook of course, but it's an alternative situation to him going out specificaly looking for incest porn.

Remember he hasn't baught it, just saved it (by storing it in a cart).

By the way, why on earth is he spending money on this? Isn't more porn free now?

nauticant · 09/04/2015 14:55

OP, I asked if your eldest two are boys because as soon as I read what you'd written, I just knew they would be

But the eldest two are not boys OxfordBags. The OP wrote this:

my other two are boys yes, one older, one younger than DD

You're not going to help the OP if you fictionalise what she writes to suit your own narrative.

letscookbreakfast · 09/04/2015 15:06

I feel the need to set a few things straight as some of the posts in this thread are OTT.

Like it or not, incest is a popular taboo fantasy.

The incest fantasy porn films are produced and sold by mainstream porn companies, they are not illegal.

None of the performers in any mainstream produced porn film are aged under 18 years old, they are willing performers and they are not being raped or abused.

Suggesting that the OP asks the police to examine their computers is a massive over-reaction based on the fact that the husband has a few legal DVD's in his cart.

Jan45 · 09/04/2015 15:11

Incest is a popular taboo fantasy - prove it.

participants in porn films are not abused and all are over 18 - prove it.

the industry is rife with abuse, wake up.

Vivacia · 09/04/2015 15:11

I just reread the title. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't remember one person replying, "yes it's appropriate".

bereal7 · 09/04/2015 15:12

ShockHmm MN never fails me. I have literally laughed so much tears came out. Some people are so hysterical it's unbelievable.

I watch those types of porn and I can assure you, I don't want any of it to happen in real life - that's why I just watch ! Honestly.

Op, he probably isn't even thinking about his daughter when he watches this. Plus she's 3 - not a sexual figure.
Plus, he's also entitled to watch porn in his own house just like you're entitled to not want him to watch. Compromise is key - not you dictating as suggested by some of the OTT posters on here.

Vivacia · 09/04/2015 15:15

Op, he probably isn't even thinking about his daughter when he watches this.

That's (probably) ok then.

letscookbreakfast · 09/04/2015 15:16

The porn industry is heavily mandated, every performer has to prove that they are legal, if there's even a whiff off a performer being underage then the shit hits the fan. Jan45 your own thoughts are clouding your responses and thoughts.

daisychain01 · 09/04/2015 15:18

He's watching 'straight' porn, likes a particular actress. Clicks on suggested titles, sees another one she's in, clicks through. There are more suggested titles, one of them is the actress in 'but he's my father!'. Morbid curiosity. Clicks through, saves the title

Hubert FFS you are talking about a married man with DC, whose DW is having to process and deal with this behaviour within their marriage.

Stop trying to legitimise his actions. bluebell will likely have enough of that crap to deal with when she talks with him, without you setting the scene in advance.

bluebell in fairness, my comment about 'heavy use' of porn may not be useful, sorry. Perhaps it was my impression, taken from your comment that he uses magazines and on-line. I didn't intend it as a judgement call, it entirely depends on how you feel and your acceptance level for this situation.

Jan45 · 09/04/2015 15:18

OMG, so every porn vid on the internet is legit, I don't think so. The porn industry is probably the most corrupt one there is.

My thoughts are what are giving me my judgements thanks, no matter what the pro porn folk try to say otherwise. There aint nothing cloudy about it for me.

letscookbreakfast · 09/04/2015 15:20

FFS I didn't say that every porn film is legal, every mainstream studio produced porn film is legal.

Your reading comprehension is awful.

Jan45 · 09/04/2015 15:21

Op, he probably isn't even thinking about his daughter when he watches this.

Yeah, just someone else's.

Doggygirl · 09/04/2015 15:22

Porn is fantasy, but I would be disturbed if my h looked at porn with themes of incest. I would also be disturbed by the barely legal content.

People can have sexual fantasies that they would be horrified by if they happened in real life - for example, rape. Actually buying DVDs is a step too far in my opinion.

laurierf · 09/04/2015 15:23

Have tried to read most of the thread but apologies if this is going over old territory… is this sort of 'barely legal'/taboo fantasy so unusual? Lolita? American Beauty? Brittany Spears in her school kit? Here's a synopsis of a Hollywood 'mainstream' film:

Mini Drogues (Nikki Reed) is a clever and adventurous high school senior who is bored with her life. Mini prizes her "unique experiences" (she calls them "firsts"). For excitement, and to add to her list of firsts, Mini decides to try being a call girl. Her first client, however, has a guilty conscience and can't carry through with the act, which disappoints Mini. Her second client is decidedly more exciting — it's her stepfather Martin (Alec Baldwin). Martin is initially shocked when he learns of her identity (he initially blindfolded himself during intercourse as per Mini's request), but soon a torrid love affair blossoms between the two.

Would I be happy if DH was looking at 'barely legal'/ stepfather/step daughter porn?… NO!!! I would ask him to stop and make it clear that it crossed a line for me. But I think the leap to the idea that he is now a threat to DD is huge. As others have said, I would be surprised if he connects this with DD at all but the OP is confident she can gauge his reaction and work out if there is a more sinister undertone.

And time to talk to him about what sort of thing you are comfortable with and perhaps to remind him that DD is going to be an adolescent girl soon enough… how's he going to feel about the idea of middle-aged men viewing her as a sexual object?

daisychain01 · 09/04/2015 15:24

So nice you find this amusing, bereal. Why do people feel the need to talk about their porn habits - it's not about YOU. Do what you want, that's your choice.

This is about supporting bluebell in deciding what to do for her relationship and how she wants to deal with the next steps, I can't imagine what she's going through ATM.

Jan45 · 09/04/2015 15:25

How do you know it is, are you in the porn producing industry.......what a joke.

Jan45 · 09/04/2015 15:26

Your reading comprehension is awful.

Oh I read very well thank you.

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