EA husband, I REALLY can't leave

[EndlessHope09]

I'll try and keep this as short as I can, it might seem a bit sketchy but I don't want to bore you with all of the details- any advice is appreciated, please be gentle though as I'm feeling pretty fragile and I couldn't feel anymore guilty if I tried.

Last year I had a complete breakdown, I was treated as an impatient for a number of months to help me deal with PTSD after being in an emotionally/sexually abusive marriage. Whilst I was there I decided to separate from my husband, I really wasn't thinking straight as my husband was at home looking after my children and immediately started residency proceedings for full time care of the children on the basis I was mentally unwell. The health professionals involved fought long and hard with me to contest that I was unwell because of the abusive relationship and my diagnosis was due to the past 5 years of unrelenting strain on me to protect the kids and keep going. The court report from the social services (my children are subject to a child protection plan due to my previous breakdown) was so biased towards my husband, I really couldn't undo any of what he had told them. The whole assessment is evidence based and as far as they were concerned their observations of my children at home with my husband were fine.

I knew I was going to lose them and I knew the only way to get back home and protect my kids again was to get back together with my husband. Being apart from my children was unbearable, heartbreaking and they were completely dependant on me before I left to go into hospital. I was a full time mum for 5 years, there has never been any concerns about my children previous to my hospital admission but it didn't matter. I'm back at home and I've realised just how much my kids need to get out of here, as well as me if we are going to limit the damage that my husband has on the kids, especially my eldest.

The problem is I can't leave and take the children with me because of my history and the allegations made by my husband whilst I was away. I think it will kill me to stay and I would never ever forgive myself for leaving my kids again. I feel caged, my family understand but they know my circumstances and can only watch on as my husband does what he likes with no consequences. What would you do? I'm afraid to stay, I can't be sure I won't snap and either hurt myself or him but I can't leave without my three children. The truth doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

Didn't want to read and run - sounds horrendous. Holding your hand OP until someone experienced comes along.

How long ago was your hospital admission? How long ago did you rejoin your family?

Are you totally discharged? Surely your 5 years SHM'ing must count for something?

Sorry for the barrage of questions.
Can you tell us what your home life is like?

And just so confirm, he is your 2nd DH?

Hope you're ok.

I was discharged July 14, I rejoined my family end of last year. I have a CPN who, like my old consultant, realises my recent deterioration is due to my husbands behaviour. My SAHM'ing doesn't count as they have nothing to go on, the children are alive, well etc but that's it x

I think the only way to improve things is to get advice/counselling from professionals. Are you saying your DH completely pulled the wool over everyone's eyes and has blamed you for everything. In which case it's not going to be easy to turn things around. Have you any witnesses friends or relatives who can support you or have seen his abusive behaviour.

He's my first husband, he yells, he controls, he picks up on anything negative towards the kids, if I try and explain that they were just being kids for example, he starts shouting at me. The sexual stuff has stopped but I can't be sure he hasn't abused my son as my husband says he remembers nothing, it's something called sexomnia.

I've fought him up until the end of last year but I had to be careful what I told the social services or the kids would have ended up in care. My husband was arrested for rape and common assault but was never charged after the CPS said that there just wasn't the evidence

This sounds awful.
I agree with trying to get professional advice OP - you need expert advice.
Are SS involved in your family at all?

The police did contact the social worker in charge to restate that he believed what I had told them was true but that doesn't mean anything without a conviction

Who made the allegations?
Crikey, this sounds grim.

Can you start building evidence against him? Can you secretly tape him? Is this even allowed?

How old are your DC?

It is hell on earth, no way, ever did I think that people could ever think I would harm my kids or not believe me. I really did believe I was the culprit of all the issues at home when I was admitted into hospital

My daughter was just 9 months old, I had no contact with anyone, he controlled everything

My kids are 4, 6 and 1 years old. Recording him is something I've thought about doing

My therapist contacted the police because of safeguarding, I made the statement whilst in hospital

This is such a complicated situation. I think you need advice from the social workers on what you need to do to have your children with you if you separate/divorce. They will have views on that. Child protection procedures are very strict and thorough.

The thing is, if you are unwell then their fear is that you will not be able to look after the children at all. I think you need to get yourself perfectly well, maybe even leave the family home while you concentrate on recovering from PTSD. I would have thought you would still have regular contact with your children. Again social services would advise on that.

If you stay in your home with your husband, you could have another breakdown and then where would you and your children be?

What are the medics' views on how best you can recover?

Do social services know about the sexomnia? That is very worrying.

I have a solicitor, I've been in contact with women's aid but I came back into the relationship so they didn't see what their role could be. I have a CPN who has regular contact with the social worker

I have only just seen what you wrote about your husband's arrest. That's horrendous.

I see what you're saying jokerstotheright but I can't bear to leave them again. There are things I can't put on here but I just could never leave my kids here alone. I think it would destroy my eldest son forever.

Hi OP - can you consult a solicitor? It really sounds as if you need specialist advice in family law and mental health issues. Not someone who will work towards a straightforward divorce but someone who can advise you on how to build up your case to be the resident parent when divorce eventually occurs

Has a SW ever interviewed your son? If your husband's behaviour towards him is abusive then raising that with police/SW may be the best way forward

I'm currently trying to stay mentally well and support the children in the family home until I can get us out of here without any backlash from the social services

Endless, does your DH know that you use this site? Does he access your devices?

Who looks after your DC
while he works?

Traffic is quiet today - there are some super informed ladies on this board usually. Hopefully some will be around today.

I do have a solicitor, I had twoI, one for family issues, one for care proceedings. I think I might need to meet with her again, I'll have to make something up for my husband though.

My husband is a computer programmer, he has cctv set up in our playroom, if he wants know something he will know. Advice is worth the risk.

Are you on a phone OP?