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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EA husband, I REALLY can't leave

134 replies

EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 14:27

I'll try and keep this as short as I can, it might seem a bit sketchy but I don't want to bore you with all of the details- any advice is appreciated, please be gentle though as I'm feeling pretty fragile and I couldn't feel anymore guilty if I tried.

Last year I had a complete breakdown, I was treated as an impatient for a number of months to help me deal with PTSD after being in an emotionally/sexually abusive marriage. Whilst I was there I decided to separate from my husband, I really wasn't thinking straight as my husband was at home looking after my children and immediately started residency proceedings for full time care of the children on the basis I was mentally unwell. The health professionals involved fought long and hard with me to contest that I was unwell because of the abusive relationship and my diagnosis was due to the past 5 years of unrelenting strain on me to protect the kids and keep going. The court report from the social services (my children are subject to a child protection plan due to my previous breakdown) was so biased towards my husband, I really couldn't undo any of what he had told them. The whole assessment is evidence based and as far as they were concerned their observations of my children at home with my husband were fine.

I knew I was going to lose them and I knew the only way to get back home and protect my kids again was to get back together with my husband. Being apart from my children was unbearable, heartbreaking and they were completely dependant on me before I left to go into hospital. I was a full time mum for 5 years, there has never been any concerns about my children previous to my hospital admission but it didn't matter. I'm back at home and I've realised just how much my kids need to get out of here, as well as me if we are going to limit the damage that my husband has on the kids, especially my eldest.

The problem is I can't leave and take the children with me because of my history and the allegations made by my husband whilst I was away. I think it will kill me to stay and I would never ever forgive myself for leaving my kids again. I feel caged, my family understand but they know my circumstances and can only watch on as my husband does what he likes with no consequences. What would you do? I'm afraid to stay, I can't be sure I won't snap and either hurt myself or him but I can't leave without my three children. The truth doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 17:23

Sakura, I hope you're ok now. You've been through an awful lot and made it out the other side. You are in a really good position to advise on this thread and help someone in a terrible position to find sanctuary.

OP - keep on keeping on (KOKO). You are strong.

RandomMess · 05/04/2015 17:39

I think plot, plot, plot.

At some point I really would disappear to WA in a different area completely. By the time the court process caught up with you there would be evidence of your parenting etc. and you would have had sole custody for quite some time.

Huge risk to take though Confused

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 17:55

Random, as risky as it is, it's bloody tempting.

OP, this is an enormous as it gets for a Mum. You need experienced legal representation - the problem is finding who that solicitor is. Fucking hell, this is so scary. The extent of your abuse has been/is massive.

RandomMess · 05/04/2015 17:58

Op because you have your family support I really think you stand a chance of "running away".

Don't suppose they have the funds to move away to somewhere outside the Geneva Convention for a few years...

Jokerstotheright · 05/04/2015 18:33

I think my post is helpful as op needs to be prepared for what she is up against. I regularly attend child protection meetings and I am looking at the situation from that perspective.

hollyisalovelyname · 05/04/2015 18:53

OP be careful if he knows you Mumsnet particularly as he is into technology.
He may check up and despite your name change recognise you or himself.

RandomMess · 05/04/2015 18:56

I was thinking he may have keyloggers tbh Sad Angry

Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 19:02

I was thinking about keyloggers too, it might be safer for the OP to post from a net cafe.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 19:30

sakura that sounds like my DH, it was my Christian faith that enabled the abuse to go on for so long, this unfortunately included advice from the clueless leadership team that left me and my kids in the middle of a war zone. Submission was the key, first to Jesus then to my husband. I believed it was because of my lack of faith that my family had problems, not because my husband was an abusive tyrant. The anguish I put myself through was trauma in itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 19:35

Shit what are key loggers, he has everything- he could access my texts from when I was in hospital. jokerstotheright unfortunately I could tell your advice came from someone with experience of child protection panels because it was very close to my fears for my children. My worst nightmare keeps happening and it seems to be enabled by the Child Protection Procedure that were designed to keep children safe. I have no issue with what you said.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/04/2015 19:37

Key logging is a programme where it records all your keyboard strokes Sad could even be uploaded onto a new device if you have a home wifi network I believe.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 19:38

I can see why mothers/families run away with their children but I'm not there yet. I know my family will do whatever's necessary but I can not make any hasty decisions, it will only make my husbands case stronger. Impulsive behaviour, instability and I think he still has temporary residency.

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 19:40

Okay, yes that's a possibility. He'll definitely know about it, it's whether he feels it's necessary

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 19:40

Will key logging be a visible thing? Can I see it on my iPad?

OP posts:
NiceAcorns · 05/04/2015 19:44

Re: earlier post, it's The Hague Convention which deals with children, not The Geneva Convention

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 19:45

My sister is a mumsnetter, part of my police evidence against my DH was from Mumsnet. It showed that my allegations were historic, I came on here for advice but I was so brainwashed I thought people were overreacting- I should have listened. I actually started to talk posters round that my DH never raped me. Technically, he never did, he says but I never gave consent. Who knows. I don't really care anymore, I just want to have a life and my children to have some peace away from all this mess.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/04/2015 19:49

Go over to the Geeky Thread to ask about unearthing a potential keylogger. it will be hidden but findable to someone in the know.

Yes the Hague convention - too much Wine

Justusemyname · 05/04/2015 19:50

I think asking your son if his father has touched him when he didn't want him too is wrong. Like bad attention is better than none, a cuddle with daddy who normally shouts/is disinterested might feel okay. If you seriously think your children are being abused you can't do nothing. On Tuesday get yourself some serious help. You deserve better and of course your children do too.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 19:52

I'll look up The Hague Convention, sounds like I should give my solicitor a call. I need to record my husband- it is legal but it can't be used in a court of law, although social services can use it for evidence. There's a grey area in the law about being able to record someone, my last solicitor told me in reference to the social worker and her inability to stick to her decisions. One minute she was supporting me in going to court to gain access to the children, the next minute she stopped all contact and I had no idea why for two weeks. Apparently I appeared upset after a core group meeting, I was fucking fuming, have been since the beginning, before this all happened my DH never helped AT ALL with the kids, not one dirty nappy, one meal, nothing. Then it was Superdad...

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 19:53

How do you mean justusemyname I'm not sure I understand

OP posts:
sakura · 05/04/2015 20:24

The Hague convention is for people who cross international borders with children. If you run away inside the UK (which I assume is where you are) the Hague convention does not apply, as far as I know , and I'm pretty well-read on this because I had to be, as I did cross borders with the children.

Justusemyname · 05/04/2015 20:25

Don't understand which part?

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 20:32

Bad attention is better than none, in relation to asking my son about his dad. Do you mean I could have planted ideas into my son's head because I was afraid of that? But being abused as a child, I wish someone has asked me outright, with the simple answer being yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 20:32

Sorry that was meant for Justusemyname

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 21:02

Key logging - I couldn't remember what it was called. That's it OP.

Yy to the Geeky side to ask asap. I'm fearful of your H reading everything here Sad

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