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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EA husband, I REALLY can't leave

134 replies

EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 14:27

I'll try and keep this as short as I can, it might seem a bit sketchy but I don't want to bore you with all of the details- any advice is appreciated, please be gentle though as I'm feeling pretty fragile and I couldn't feel anymore guilty if I tried.

Last year I had a complete breakdown, I was treated as an impatient for a number of months to help me deal with PTSD after being in an emotionally/sexually abusive marriage. Whilst I was there I decided to separate from my husband, I really wasn't thinking straight as my husband was at home looking after my children and immediately started residency proceedings for full time care of the children on the basis I was mentally unwell. The health professionals involved fought long and hard with me to contest that I was unwell because of the abusive relationship and my diagnosis was due to the past 5 years of unrelenting strain on me to protect the kids and keep going. The court report from the social services (my children are subject to a child protection plan due to my previous breakdown) was so biased towards my husband, I really couldn't undo any of what he had told them. The whole assessment is evidence based and as far as they were concerned their observations of my children at home with my husband were fine.

I knew I was going to lose them and I knew the only way to get back home and protect my kids again was to get back together with my husband. Being apart from my children was unbearable, heartbreaking and they were completely dependant on me before I left to go into hospital. I was a full time mum for 5 years, there has never been any concerns about my children previous to my hospital admission but it didn't matter. I'm back at home and I've realised just how much my kids need to get out of here, as well as me if we are going to limit the damage that my husband has on the kids, especially my eldest.

The problem is I can't leave and take the children with me because of my history and the allegations made by my husband whilst I was away. I think it will kill me to stay and I would never ever forgive myself for leaving my kids again. I feel caged, my family understand but they know my circumstances and can only watch on as my husband does what he likes with no consequences. What would you do? I'm afraid to stay, I can't be sure I won't snap and either hurt myself or him but I can't leave without my three children. The truth doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

OP posts:
sakura · 05/04/2015 15:34

LOL, that's so ridiculous. #firstworldproblems Man crying because his wife won't let him have sex. Even though that sex often ends up in pregnancy and he's saying his wife is an unfit mother. Complete insanity. He drove you insane.

sakura · 05/04/2015 15:34

(no contraception is 100% effective)

Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 15:40

The crying over not getting sex is part of the sexual abuse...

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:46

What does your H think OP? Does he think you're making a 'go' of things?
Does he trust you at all?
Does he plan on returning to work?

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:46

Again, sorry for so many questions. Just trying to build a picture.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:48

My mum is doing all she can without distancing herself from my husband by annoying him, there's a line and if they cross it, he shuts down. She will support me financially but she's terrified of me leaving without the children because it will look like I just swan off whenever I like and can honestly say I had 1 night away from my kids in the first four years.

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:51

It's frustrating that none of that was taken into consideration. Also frustrating that your MH problems have determined a court order even though you posed no risk to your DC.

Will you be able to get a solicitors appt? How will you get there without raising suspicions?

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:51

My husband knows I'm regretting coming back and he tries to say it's because I'm Unstable and can't cope with the kids. I stayed at my sisters recently and within a few hours I was thinking normally again. I can't describe the feeling but it's like everything is my fault when I'm with him. I can't have any expectations of him, even though he says I have too many, I'm a hypocrite etc

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:52

I can email the solicitor and my mum/sister can help with a cover story, shopping etc

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:58

I'm really not sure if my husband hasn't sexually abused one of my boys, sometimes my eldest son sleeps in our bed- he has nightmares. I woke up the other night and he had his hand on my sons bum in his pants, a bit weird. My son has a massive problem at the moment with withholding poo making him doubly incontinent sometimes. He has of course seen the GP but I'm just not entirely at ease. My husband says he has no control as he's asleep. I just have that feeling but it doesn't mean that much, just that I can't trust him to be alone with my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:59

*no control of his actions, he acts out his dreams (we think) when he's asleep

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 16:00

I'm just wondering, did my husband think it was me lying beside him?

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 16:01

Fucking hell.
Does your H actually trust himself? What did he say when his hand was caught there?

This is not sounding good at all... Sad

chocolatefingersandtoes · 05/04/2015 16:06

Jesus Christ OP, you need to get nannycams in your sons room asap, Jesus! I don't know how legal it is but if he is taped sexually abusing his son it could change everything. Bull shit he doesn't remember. If he was a normal person/dad and he thought for one minute he was sexually abusing his son IN HIS SLEEP he would leave. The hands down his pants, bloody stomach churning stuffSad

chocolatefingersandtoes · 05/04/2015 16:08

Bull shit he can't control himself as he's asleep. If your DS sleeps with you two, I'd sleep in the middle and don't ever leave them aloneAngry

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 16:14

I told him, he should never sleep with my son in the same bed again. He just looked shocked, never said anything but he was concerned

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 16:15

It's possible that he thought it was your bum, but if he can't tell the difference he shouldn't be sleeping in a bed with your children.

Sexomnia is just a bollocks excuse to get men off sex rape charges imo. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but I reckon it's very rare. The men who apparently suffer from it are usually on sex offence charges...

If your intuition tells you that something's not right and you can't trust your husband alone with your son, then go with that.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 16:18

Ive asked my son, without putting any pressure on him, whether Daddy ever touches him when he doesn't want him too and he said no. I believe his answer but I'm not stupid, I watch out for things.

OP posts:
Jokerstotheright · 05/04/2015 16:19

I know you know this op, your children may well be taken into care at some stage so prepare yourself.

What you say about your husband is horrifying and you need to tell someone your boy is at risk (have you? I'm not sure. What was the allegation about rape and assault?)

You seem to want to fight for your children but are you really well enough to look after three children on your own when you have recently spent months in a hospital after a breakdown? I can't see how you are ready to do that, even if social services would agree it.

If they do end up going into care, it would be decided by professionals that that would be the best for the children and it may just be temporary until you fully recover.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 16:26

I can't let that happen jokerstotheright if I had witnessed anything more, I would say. I am well enough but I think my emotional stability is under pressure when my husband is unhappy- he is very good at arguing his point, leaving me dumbstruck most of the time. It's best if I stay here, monitor things and get out when I can, with the kids

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 05/04/2015 16:26

Is that supposed to be a helpful post jokers?

Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 16:32

There's no reason why the OP can't look after her children, she was discharged 9 months ago.

The rape and assault allegations were about her.

The person to share her concerns about her son with is the GP & it would trigger CP. If she has her son tells her anything or she is witness to a specific incident she could report it to the police.

sakura · 05/04/2015 17:00

Jokers, it's the husband that's putting strain on the OP's mental health, not the children. Remove the H and the stress which originally lead to the mental health issues is removed.

What you have written about your husband and your son is very worrying and this is precisely the type of thing that can drive a mother mad. Knowing that her children are at risk and at the same time knowing that if she leaves with them her ability to care for them will be called into question.

Mine insisted on washing my children even though they weren't babies at all or even toddlers. He insisted it was a cultural difference. That might well be the case ,but I thought it was disgusting and felt they were well able to wash themselves. He should have taken my feelings into account and my feelings should have overridden any "cultural differences". Any objections I made were met with anger and accusations of paranoia and a questioning of my mental health.

kittybiscuits · 05/04/2015 17:03

What twinklestein said. You are in a living nightmare OP. You obviously have the good sense to realise that the only way out is a strategic approach. You must be amazing to get this far x

sakura · 05/04/2015 17:04

He insisted on washing my children and himself at the same time. I felt so helpless. DD was too old to be in such close proximity to her naked father all the time. ANY doubts I had about the normality of this were met with mockery and derision about my mental health.