Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EA husband, I REALLY can't leave

134 replies

EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 14:27

I'll try and keep this as short as I can, it might seem a bit sketchy but I don't want to bore you with all of the details- any advice is appreciated, please be gentle though as I'm feeling pretty fragile and I couldn't feel anymore guilty if I tried.

Last year I had a complete breakdown, I was treated as an impatient for a number of months to help me deal with PTSD after being in an emotionally/sexually abusive marriage. Whilst I was there I decided to separate from my husband, I really wasn't thinking straight as my husband was at home looking after my children and immediately started residency proceedings for full time care of the children on the basis I was mentally unwell. The health professionals involved fought long and hard with me to contest that I was unwell because of the abusive relationship and my diagnosis was due to the past 5 years of unrelenting strain on me to protect the kids and keep going. The court report from the social services (my children are subject to a child protection plan due to my previous breakdown) was so biased towards my husband, I really couldn't undo any of what he had told them. The whole assessment is evidence based and as far as they were concerned their observations of my children at home with my husband were fine.

I knew I was going to lose them and I knew the only way to get back home and protect my kids again was to get back together with my husband. Being apart from my children was unbearable, heartbreaking and they were completely dependant on me before I left to go into hospital. I was a full time mum for 5 years, there has never been any concerns about my children previous to my hospital admission but it didn't matter. I'm back at home and I've realised just how much my kids need to get out of here, as well as me if we are going to limit the damage that my husband has on the kids, especially my eldest.

The problem is I can't leave and take the children with me because of my history and the allegations made by my husband whilst I was away. I think it will kill me to stay and I would never ever forgive myself for leaving my kids again. I feel caged, my family understand but they know my circumstances and can only watch on as my husband does what he likes with no consequences. What would you do? I'm afraid to stay, I can't be sure I won't snap and either hurt myself or him but I can't leave without my three children. The truth doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:13

My husband no longer works, he quit his job before I came back, we're in serious crap financially, I think it was to prove to the social that he was prepared to be a full time dad but you can't live like we did on benefits. I have no idea why he thought it would work.

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:14

You really need to be careful - anything you get from here could be used against you. Take no risks OP and password protect your device. This is just for starters.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:14

No tablet device x

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:15

Does he use it?
Delete all your history OP.

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:15

And cookies.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:16

Okay, I'll change my password, I created a new mumsnet account, as he knows my old nickname

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 15:16

In this particular instance, and this is by no means always the case, SS are not on your side, for the moment anyway.

I would contact WA again, and suggest their role could be to help you try and get out of this abusive relationship with your kids.

You need a solicitor who specialises in abuse.

And you need to start collecting evidence.

Your GP will know about your inpatient treatment, but have spoken to them specifically about the abuse? If not get it logged with them. Also get your concerns about your husband's behaviour to your son logged as well.

If you have specific concerns about any particular incident with your son, then report that to the police. Equally, if your husband kicks off, then call the police.

That will help build a picture with your GP & police that the abuse exists and is ongoing. Combined with the opinion of your mental health team that your breakdown was due to his abuse, this will help you create a body of evidence SS's reading of this case is incorrect.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:17

No not really he has his own devices, I'll delete history, cookies etc

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:18

Do you get much independence from him? Will you be able to phone WA/Solicitor without him being around?

Has your DS said anything to raise your suspicions?

Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 15:19

xpost - do either of your solicitors specialise in abusive relationships, that's really important.

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:20

I know that this isn't helping your actual
Situation but I'm
Concerned that any help you get here will be sabotaged by him.

Are your devices connected? I don't know much at all but will he be able to see what you're doing? From hi a device?

Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 15:21

Another place you should try is your local 'Domestic Violence One Stop Shop'. They have lawyers who work for them. They can take a look at your case and you can ask them what they would recommend.

sakura · 05/04/2015 15:22

I was in this exact same situation. By some stroke of absolute luck I found some text messages between him and another woman, moved fast and legged it to my mothers with the children. He was in a little love bubble with OW, so completely consented for the children to stay with me. He put it down in writing. The only clause was I wasn't allowed to ask him for money. Fine by me. I fear that one day he will lay claims on the children but by that point they will be established with me.

It is a horrific nightmare. A mother's worst nightmare. What you might have to do is sit it out a bit longer (although I realize that could make your mental health deteriorate) and then set up some kind of shared access to the children.

Men who are this abusive often lose interest in their own children at some point, once they've "won" and palm them off to their female relatives or new OW. The children tend to gravitate towards their mother in adulthood.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:22

I've been keeping a diary, I feel so guilty for doing it but when I can think straight I know I'm not the one responsible. He cried last night because I wouldn't have sex, after spending the day ignoring me, texting someone constantly and laughing occasionally. Not to mention the guilt trip because I went and had my hair cut. Took a lot to go, my mum paid, we have no money- it was a dry trim but I felt awful

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:22

How supportive is your CPN?

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:24

Yes sakura he spends most of his time asleep. It's not about the kids at all. I feel so normal when I'm not with him, like there's hope and a future. I had to come back though.

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:25

Why did he install CCTV?

sakura · 05/04/2015 15:26

In hindsight, you shouldn't have started any proceedings while in hospital :( I know this doesn't help you now. You put this asshole in fight mode while you were at your most vulnerable. But anyway, you are not there any more.

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:26

My CPN is very supportive, people who have contact with me know I'm not lying, it just seems to be the ones who talk to my husband first that never see me in the same way again

OP posts:
sakura · 05/04/2015 15:28

Cried because you wouldn't have sex?

He sounds horrific. You really do have to get out of there. Did he enlist any help while you were in hospital? Does he work full time. How did/would he cope without you?

Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:28

Absolutely sakura I told him I wasn't coming home, he decided I wasn't going to have the children. I'm sure that was him regaining control. I don't think any of this would have happened if I'd been in contact with my family but I was complately cut off from everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessHope09 · 05/04/2015 15:30

Yes he cried, I think he was trying the guilt thing, although I felt like a complete bitch, so it kind of worked. He really had been vile all day though

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 15:33

It's great that your CPN is supportive, and from what you say, other health professionals involved in your inpatient treatment.

Phoenixashes · 05/04/2015 15:34

He cried because you wouldn't have sex...even though he has been sexually abusive to you in the past!

Document everything. Remove your history/cookies and try to have a password (or two) on this device. I would also try and film him if possible.

Has he been abusive to your children?

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 15:34

What about other family now OP? You say you're back in touch with your Mum? Tell us about that.