EA husband, I REALLY can't leave

[EndlessHope09]

I'll try and keep this as short as I can, it might seem a bit sketchy but I don't want to bore you with all of the details- any advice is appreciated, please be gentle though as I'm feeling pretty fragile and I couldn't feel anymore guilty if I tried.

Last year I had a complete breakdown, I was treated as an impatient for a number of months to help me deal with PTSD after being in an emotionally/sexually abusive marriage. Whilst I was there I decided to separate from my husband, I really wasn't thinking straight as my husband was at home looking after my children and immediately started residency proceedings for full time care of the children on the basis I was mentally unwell. The health professionals involved fought long and hard with me to contest that I was unwell because of the abusive relationship and my diagnosis was due to the past 5 years of unrelenting strain on me to protect the kids and keep going. The court report from the social services (my children are subject to a child protection plan due to my previous breakdown) was so biased towards my husband, I really couldn't undo any of what he had told them. The whole assessment is evidence based and as far as they were concerned their observations of my children at home with my husband were fine.

I knew I was going to lose them and I knew the only way to get back home and protect my kids again was to get back together with my husband. Being apart from my children was unbearable, heartbreaking and they were completely dependant on me before I left to go into hospital. I was a full time mum for 5 years, there has never been any concerns about my children previous to my hospital admission but it didn't matter. I'm back at home and I've realised just how much my kids need to get out of here, as well as me if we are going to limit the damage that my husband has on the kids, especially my eldest.

The problem is I can't leave and take the children with me because of my history and the allegations made by my husband whilst I was away. I think it will kill me to stay and I would never ever forgive myself for leaving my kids again. I feel caged, my family understand but they know my circumstances and can only watch on as my husband does what he likes with no consequences. What would you do? I'm afraid to stay, I can't be sure I won't snap and either hurt myself or him but I can't leave without my three children. The truth doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

www.lawsociety.org.uk/

You need specialist advice. The Law Soc will find you your nearest specialist solicitor. WA will also be able to point you to specialists.

Don't be afraid to see a few different solicitors to ask their relevant experience and to find the personal/professional connection.

You need a SHS (shit hot solicitor).

You also need a medical/mental health advocate.

Ah yes good point - MH advocate - call MIND or google for your local DASCAS - they both supply MH advocacy services.

endless, I experienced something similar a few years ago. I stayed with exP to keep the children safe because I feared that, if I left him, he would try to gain custody of our DCs or, at least, he would have unsupervised contact which I couldn't risk because he was extremely EA and had threatened to harm the children. I knew the courts wouldn't believe me (no solid evidence), so just couldn't take the risk. I didn't have your mental health history but only because I avoided seeking help. I was close to a breakdown for years. However, I did break free from him in the end, and with my DCs, and my life is immeasurably better now.

Random upthread said to plot, plot, plot. I think this is good advice and it's what got me through in the end. Somehow, I managed to take a step back and see the situation as an outsider. So I squirrelled money away in a secret bank account (not much, but enough to help), sorted papers and personal effects out and generally plotted quietly and carefully for about 6 months. I kept his nasty texts, recorded him screaming at the DCs etc. The support of friends was absolutely vital. It was awful for a time when we left, but all the things that I'd imagined and he'd threatened never came to pass. He more or less, lost interest in the DCs. Probably because he could no longer control me/them. He doesn't know where we are and I intend to keep it that way until the DCs are older. I suspect he wants to avoid paying child support as well so it's in his own interests not to contact us.

I know it is hard, but, when dealing with him, please try to step back and look at the situation as if you are watching a film. When he cries because you refuse sex, for example, don't engage in any meaningful way. I spent years trying to reason with my exP. Staggering waste of time. Just plot quietly, be self contained, appear to be calm and rational, don't give him any ammo. See it as a plan of work, a project. I know this will be hard given your health issues, but you sound insightful and intelligent and you have protected your DCs thus far.

Everything cantthinkofnewnane said and sending hugs x

Sending you strength op.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I have to tell you, there are many keyloggers for ipad/iphone/mac osx and if you're not technical they're hard to detect.

Be careful. Consider buying a second hand device with a PAYG sim with a decent data allowance, maybe your family could help you out with that? Don't go on your wifi at home either, actions are traceable through that too, if someone wants to enough. Use a separate device and connection. Good luck and strength to you.

There's no way he'd not know I was using a different device or wifi, I don't get enough privacy, he doesn't work and he is top of his field when it comes to IT. If he suspects, really suspects then he'll probably be watching. I'll have to make phone calls, go to my sisters to use her wifi. I don't have any connections other than our wifi so that's what I'm using. I think he's more bothered about covering his tracks than mine. I know porn is an issue ( we're Christians so any porn should be an issue) but in 6 years of marriage he's left his computer unsecured once. I know none of his passwords.

And cantthinkofnewname thank you so much for your post. I think you're spot on. I'll keep plotting to keep me sane. Money is an issue, he has an app that tells him all about my accounts. At least he has given me my debit card back for now. I think I have detached myself for now, to deal with the guilt of standing my ground and not giving in. I am scared that we've not had sex in a while though. I've never left it too long, the pressure is too much and I try and find a time when I don't feel so vulnerable or angry. He's going to be really pissed off If I don't, then the night time incidents happen. I'll cope though. KOKO x

could you move with the kids, to your mums? Then there is another adult around so you can show you are safeguarding, and meantime set up evidence of how you are parenting. As a mother you have primary custody and he would have to take you to court to get access/any level of custody - i can see he would do it to get access but would he really jump through all those hoops to get custody? Social Services would also have to get a court order but they would need evidence that the children are not safe. The fact you have had a breakdown is not enough surely - you've had treatment, you've addressed it. Meantime do everything for them, bring in money, go to all the school stuff etc etc. ? I have no experience in this but I do know the feeling of being trapped. But things change, time moves and things change. As a PP said, you need to detach, to preserve your sanity. Who cares if he cries as you won;t have sex,

what do you mean by night time incidents? You don;t have to have sex with him. If he makes you then go straight to the police. You need him charged.

I totally lost it last night, I scratched my husband after he restrained me from attacking him. I've never done anything like that before, I just felt completely wild. I had a message from a girl saying I'm lucky I won't be 'getting it' tonight, that I was a little bitch and I didn't know how good I've got it. It's someone I see everyday, I knew my husband must've been messaging her so I went upstairs and on his screen there were messages popping up from 'playground' mums, talking about me and my husband in the middle, telling them how controlling I am. I wouldn't let him have my debit card today. My husband came up behind me in his office and pushed me away from the keyboard and I lost it. I just felt rage.

My phone battery had gone so I shouted at DH that I needed to use his phone, I needed my mum. I knew I had made a massive mistake, I just needed her to help me.

Next door must've heard me shouting and called the police- two cars turned up, my husband took photos of his neck and I was told I was lucky my husband didn't want to press charges or I would've been arrested and taken to the police station. They have 0 tolerance for any kind of domestic violence. My mum stayed and I apologised to my husband, doesn't matter how I feel, I can't behave like him. I think I've lost my kids. Once social services hear from the police, I'll be asked to leave. I should've realised how numb I was beforehand that I was at risk of hurting myself, I never thought I'd hurt him. I'm screwed. I can't live without my babies. I'm no better than him. My kids don't deserve any of this.

Did you tell the police that your husband had pushed you? That he doesn't allow you to have your own debit card? That his is possibly key logging?(illegal I believe).

Did the police ask if he was ever abusive to you?

You need to contact women's aid. Your gp and health visitor (if kids are young) explaining what you have endured. Can you move in with your mum taking the children with you? So you are safeguarding the kids?

You need to move out with your dc, to a refuge if necessary.

He pushed you away from the keyboard.

Can you describe his face as he pushed you, what he was saying, how he pushed you, if you knocked into anything.

Dear OP
I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you contacted Women's Aid and told them the whole story? They must have experience of men like your husband.

No one asked me anything, I felt so guilty, I didn't even think about me. I think I've done something to my back. Pain in shoulder, neck, down arms, coccyx and down my legs. Feel so bad, my eyes are swollen from crying

Go and see your GP if possible (or walk in centre) get checked over.

Phone Women's aid.

You and your children should be in a refuge Endless. You are all being abused. If you call women's aid and tell them everything you have put on here, and say you will go anywhere there is a space to be safe they will find you somewhere. It is your decision, police, social services etc cannot refuse to help if you are clear with them. I know you are exhausted but your priority has to be to just get out. Even if that means with nothing except the children and the clothes on your back. Most abused women have mental health issues, that is no reason for the children not to be with you. I feel so appalled you're in this situation and none of the professionals involved have helped you to get out, but it sounds as though your H is very manipulative. You have got to be honest with Women's Aid. They will believe you because everything you say is typical of an abusive man. Please call them.

Asshole police. Domestic violence is a term coined by women to describe the impossible situation women found themselves in living in a patriarchal society where men make the laws and rules and enforce these laws by using violence (police, military). Until recently married women had no rights at all and couldn't even divorce if they wanted to. Domestic violence was seen by the police as a "private issue between a man and wife". Men made it quite clear that they wouldn't allow women to leave the family home without a fight. When that was no longer possible they brought in the big guns and began removing children from their mothers in order to keep women in line.

Now husbands, the police and social workers are using the equality meme to beat women with.

Women almost always only lash out against their husband when they have been severely abused after a long period of time.

For men the dynamics are very different. They are not vulnerable. They have SOCIAL POWER. Their word is taken as a given. Women are almost always regarded as liars or mentally unwell unless proven otherwise. All it takes is one accusation from a husband for a woman's life to be finished. QUITE THE OPPOSITE for men. Women are rarely believed or helped when they are being domestically abused.

I'm writing this so that you keep your sanity. You are NOT as bad as him.

However, society is not on your side, it's on your husband's side. It helps to understand this. It's not personal. The police aren't being personal when they refuse to SEE that you have lashed out after being ground down by this abuser. They refuse to see because it's in their interest not to. We can't have all the abused women in the land just upping and leaving their husbands. Then where would we be??

I'm so sorry op, I have nothing to add I'm afraid just to let you know another person is on your side. Best of luck to you and your dc

Thank you everyone, I really think I've done it this time, SS will ask me to leave. I just feel so bad, I mess everything up. I was doing so well, loved the holidays with the kids. All I dreamt about last night was running from people so I could jump off of a bridge. I hate myself so much. I'm so ashamed. I can't get hold of my Womens aid worker, GP at 11am. I don't know if I'll get that far. So so alone, no one knows what it's like except me and my kids.

OP the term for what you did is 'violent resistance' it's fairly common in women who are being abused, to lash out randomly at the abuser.

Anyone who works with da knows that. It's a shame that the police didn't take more time to get to the bottom of what was really going on, but it's not that surprising.

I agree with everyone that at this point you just need to get out. Preferably to a refuge. Not just from the safety aspect, but also because if you've been in a refuge the police have to take the fact that you're in/have been in an abusive relationship seriously, and it will also help you get legal aid for the divorce.

So I would call Women's Aid and try and get a place for you and the kids, preferably outside the borough/county, because that will connect you with a different SS team and police force.

Xpost with the OP. Keep trying with getting through to WA and good luck with your GP.

Endless, tell the authorities it was in self defence, you cannot leave your children with him.

Call women's aid please, ask them to help you leave with your children.

Call rights of women 020 7251 6577 ask them for help.

I had to fight tooth and nail to stop contact with abusive ex with my DC, it took me years and money I didn't have to get it but I did, I could not leave my DC exposed to ex he was grooming the eldest and being very abusive to the youngest, this was in a contact centre, nobody listened I fought anyway.

I don't buy the shit that e abuses your son when he's asleep and it only happens when he's not getting sex with you.

You need out of this you need to take your children out of it too. Call women's aid ask them help you, if you end up in a refuge for a bit at least you're safe.

I totally believe you that nobody listens, they don't, make them listen to you. Speak to your GP about your son and your concerns being your H is abusing him or has done, get everyone possible on side, speak to your children's teachers, get things in writing from professionals. Social Services IME are a complete waste in these instances, they pretty much always fall for the abusive fathers side I have seen it several times.

If worse comes to the worse look into having your children put into the care of a relative, your mum or someone? I was told wen with ex that if I didn't leave him my DC would be taken into care, my parents immediately started looking into being the ones who would have my DC (of course once I left ex he immediately got contact...).

Call everyone and anyone you can think of and fight.

I take my hat off to you for your courage fuzzywuzzy