EA husband, I REALLY can't leave

[EndlessHope09]

I'll try and keep this as short as I can, it might seem a bit sketchy but I don't want to bore you with all of the details- any advice is appreciated, please be gentle though as I'm feeling pretty fragile and I couldn't feel anymore guilty if I tried.

Last year I had a complete breakdown, I was treated as an impatient for a number of months to help me deal with PTSD after being in an emotionally/sexually abusive marriage. Whilst I was there I decided to separate from my husband, I really wasn't thinking straight as my husband was at home looking after my children and immediately started residency proceedings for full time care of the children on the basis I was mentally unwell. The health professionals involved fought long and hard with me to contest that I was unwell because of the abusive relationship and my diagnosis was due to the past 5 years of unrelenting strain on me to protect the kids and keep going. The court report from the social services (my children are subject to a child protection plan due to my previous breakdown) was so biased towards my husband, I really couldn't undo any of what he had told them. The whole assessment is evidence based and as far as they were concerned their observations of my children at home with my husband were fine.

I knew I was going to lose them and I knew the only way to get back home and protect my kids again was to get back together with my husband. Being apart from my children was unbearable, heartbreaking and they were completely dependant on me before I left to go into hospital. I was a full time mum for 5 years, there has never been any concerns about my children previous to my hospital admission but it didn't matter. I'm back at home and I've realised just how much my kids need to get out of here, as well as me if we are going to limit the damage that my husband has on the kids, especially my eldest.

The problem is I can't leave and take the children with me because of my history and the allegations made by my husband whilst I was away. I think it will kill me to stay and I would never ever forgive myself for leaving my kids again. I feel caged, my family understand but they know my circumstances and can only watch on as my husband does what he likes with no consequences. What would you do? I'm afraid to stay, I can't be sure I won't snap and either hurt myself or him but I can't leave without my three children. The truth doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

Endless can we give you practical help? I am in London. PM me if I can help. Can you talk to someone else from Women's Aid? Please keep posting.

You are a wonderful human being in a very difficult situation. Tell the GP about all of your husband's behaviour. You do not have mental health issues (is my guess) but are living in an extremely stressful situation.

Op I feel so bad for you do ss know your husband is abusing you?
Can your mum come and stay with you to help you?
Tell police your husband is abusing you and you reacted to extreme provocation.

Everything is evidence based Ratfink my mum is ill herself. I feel such a fraud. I don't know why. I went to my GP, he wrote a letter to social services saying my neck was due to my DH assaulting me and I was mentally stable.

Women's aid are basically saying the balls in my court, I know that they want me to make the decision, not be pressured into a decision. I've tried to explain, Yes, I do want to leave but not without the kids or I'll lose them forever.

CPN cancelled his meeting with me due to emergency assessment. I'm seeing the solicitor tomorrow after my husband and me have a core group meeting (child protection) basically I'll sit and listen to professionals tell me how bad my son is doing but not wanting to understand why, I'll be portrayed as a husband beater. My husband has evidence, I don't. The social services have evidence that I've got a history of mental illness (CPTSD)

You have evidence - the injury to your neck.

You have evidence your GP is backing you up.

Tell your GP about your husband abusing your son, don't make excuses that he's asleep or whatever just that he has and does.

Have you told women's aid you need to leave WITH kids in so exactly those words? Do so.

Don't fall apart, you have to fight right now, for your DC.

Tell women's aid about the abuse too.

Do not go in with the mentality you've lost, you make them listen, you spell it out.

If your mums too ill to be carer for your children do you have any other family?

Right now find the mother tiger in you & fight with everything for your children.

Be calm, be articulate, be sure, make statements of fact. And your GP is already on side work with him, get teachers on side. Their evidence counts, judges listen to them.

We're routing for you. If you need the name of a kick ass barrister in London or nearby PM me.

Your GP is supporting you, your mental health team is supporting you.

If I were you I would call MIND and get yourself a mental health advocate to speak for you asap. Obviously that won't help for tomorrow, but it will be useful long term.

You tell them that you have been stuck in this abusive relationship for some time and that is what caused the breakdown. That you were the main carer for your children. When asked about the incident the other night you explain that he manhandled you out of the way which is what caused you to lash out, that he has injured you before, as evidenced by the GP. And of course you must tell them about what your husband did to your son.

PTSD is a result of exposure to trauma and 'overwhelming stress'. You argue that this was a direct result of your husband's abuse.

Good luck x

Endless, don't you dare give up now. I'm another that's supporting you and urging you on.
You caught your H red handed creating this web of lies to these playground mums. All these factors contribute to the chipping away of your health, esteem and proves that this man is your enemy.
Fight. Tell your GP everything.
Fight for your children.

Hello and thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. We have a new social worker and the core group meeting was pretty basic as she hadn't had a proper handover. The social worker is coming round today to see how the children are doing in light of the 'police incident'. Nothing else was mentioned.

My husband is still written down on the contact agreement as the main carer even though their concerns are focussing on my husband (abuse of a sexual nature) at the moment, apparently, having a mum with a mental health problem is much more dangerous situation for my kids to be in. There are no mental health advocacy services that support social care proceedings in this area.

My solicitor has said I need to wait until the next Child Protection Meeting to see how social services view me (a joint carer or still unable to care for my children on my own). Make a plan to leave with Women's aid. if things escalate then I'm to email my solicitor with a code email and she will contact my sister to re-evaluate. The solicitor said that I need to consider that social services will have made their own assumptions about my returning back to the family home at the end of last year- I went back to my husband so it could look like I said 'I forgive all and I made a mistake in leaving'. I also need to make sure that I am not enabling abuse by staying if I have concerns and don't leave then I am not being a protective parent.

My solicitor and my CPN will attend the meeting at the beginning of May. I will ring my women's aid worker and see if she can meet me with my mum to discuss my options in leaving. I have to stay here for now, i just have to find the strength of mind to be here and stay sane. I have to remember what my children's future looks like if I stay. I want my boy's to grow up to be decent men who know how to give and receive love and my little girl to know she has a right to be cherished not trampled on. It's safe to say my eldest son's spirit has been broken- its a cliché but I know exactly what it looks like. he used to have a smile in his eyes, now he has fear and anger. I hope I can help him repair the damage that our marriage has done. I'm hoping and praying i can leave here with the kids soon and we can get back to just being peaceful again.

I didn't want your most recent thread to go un answered. You have a battle ahead of you OP and I just want to line up my support along with the others.

Your H is playing an incredibly cruel game with you and your DC and it's resulted in the most nightmarish of situations. I'm shocked that he's pushed you this far.

I have no experience of this to help you but your posts are so compelling and speak of such love for your DC. Please don't give up - they need you.