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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex is making our lives miserable - does this happen to anyone else!

289 replies

alltalkedout · 05/04/2015 13:36

Hello. My husband and are in a bad place. Sex has always been an issue for us - according to him we don't do it enough and sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa. Then we don't have sex because I don't like him when he is like that. Usually it works out and we make up and things are fine but not this time.

It's happened again and he's left the house for the afternoon to get away (not left for good). He said he's not sure that he can live like this for the rest of his life and that we are incompatible sexually.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy. This changes who he is and I don't like who he becomes when he hasn't had sex for a while which makes it harder for us to reconcile. He is also convinced that I don't fancy him - I do I just feel knackered as my daughter wakes up every night.

I just wondered if this happens to anyone else. It make me feel like a frigid freak and he tells me that other women actually like sex and I don't. Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making him behave badly/have no control over his moods and behaviour.

Thank you.

OP posts:
tormentil · 05/04/2015 14:05

He's behaving like a child. Is there any loving intimacy in your sex life?

crje · 05/04/2015 14:12

I'm your husband in our relationship
I am a grouch when we go too long without sex. It's a need that's hard to describe .
I wish we had a better matched sex drive Hmm

Original poster
alltalkedout · 05/04/2015 14:13

Hi thanks for replying. Yes when we are in one of our good periods it's great. It's just that when we don't have sex for a few weeks he changes into this completely different person. It's awful and it's been like that for quite a long time - sometimes we will go months and months and everything is great and then two weeks go by without sex and he reacts how I've described. my confidence has been knocked - I feel like he's been nagging me about on and off for years ;( I got a horrible feeling that he can only feel close/intimate through sex and I really don't know what to do :(

OP posts:
Original poster
alltalkedout · 05/04/2015 14:15

Hi crje thanks for replying. It's good to hear it's not just me/us. Do usually get back on track? Any tips would be great!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 14:21

It's not sex that's making your life miserable, it's your husband.

He's a spoilt child.

He's pressuring you into having sex to his timetable, without consideration of how you feel and what you want. He's also very insecure & needs sex for reassurance.

It's all very very needy and very demanding.

He's got to get a handle on it basically.

You're not doing anything wrong OP.

crje · 05/04/2015 14:26

We go through cycles too
I've asked Dh to pencil in sex once a week . He thinks I'm joking !!

I do feel lonely & disconnected when we aren't intimate .
It's also a physical thing. I absorb tension when I'm missing sex,I feel more stressed .

Can I ask you what stops you from being intimate more often . Even once a week ??

NickiFury · 05/04/2015 14:26

I'm sorry I just have no sympathy with those who moan about how stressed it makes them NOT to have sex. What would you do if you were single, presumably you'd manage somehow and not be grumping about making everyone miserable?

OP I couldn't be married to someone like that. My first husband was. Years later he is on his third marriage and that's foundering because his wives don't want sex as much as he needs it Hmm.

HoggleHoggle · 05/04/2015 14:28

Am in very similar situation OP. It's really hard, esp when it affects your dh so much, which in turn makes your sex drive go down in reaction to his reaction iyswim.

We've had success in our relationship by having a Saturday night rule, ie unless one of us really isn't up for it, we have sex every Saturday night. It means dh relaxes a bit because he knows we'll have sex at least once a week, and it helps me by having a day to focus on otherwise I find it's so easy to just feel too tired all the time and not make the effort to get in the mood. Could this help your situation? I know timetabled sex isn't everyone's dream but it has helped our relationship by keeping some sort of sex life on track and we hope that once our dc are a bit older we can be more organic and frequent with it.

Please don't feel like a 'frigid freak' though. You're tired and you're not a machine who can get in the mood like the flick of a switch.

dementedma · 05/04/2015 14:35

Mismatched sex drives has killed off our marriage. Its shit being pressured to have sex to someone else's timetable or having to put up with moody and rude behaviour if you dont deliver!
You have my sympathy but I dont know the answer.

Original poster
alltalkedout · 05/04/2015 14:37

Thank you everyone x so we can go for quite a few weeks/months and it's ok and we are having regular sex - the problems arise when I'm ill/he's ill/i get my period and we don't. Then I start to get really anxious as I know what might happen (his mood) then I feel pressured and then that impacts my sex drive as can feel the dynamic in our relationship shift and the cycle of doom begins!
I could try suggesting a regular time slot but he truly believes that I have sex with him out of duty and so scheduled sex might make this worse x so fed up x life is so short I just want to live a good and happy life with the man I know and love and watch my lovely children grow up in a stable and happy family xxx so sad :(

OP posts:
PomeralLights · 05/04/2015 14:38

Me and DH both do this!! To people saying its just selfishness - it may be, but then again single people don't spend a lot of their time (all night for starters) in close proximity to someone they want to have sex with! If they did it might be different for them.
What we do is:
-make sure we are masturbating often enough, sometimes not having time for sex means also not taking enough time to fulfil own needs, although generally masturbating should be easier and quicker to do
-keep communication open. if the other is grumpy we take the piss - 'you're not really upset you just want this ass' etc
-if a while has gone without sex, set a slot aside for physical intimacy - the idea of sex on demand is abhorrent to me (although you might be happy with a timetable) but setting aside a couple of hours where you promise to be naked together and not get distracted by tv/Internet can be very loving...and does often lead to sex but without the pressure IYSWIM.

Alternatively he could be a prize arse using this to control/subjugate you. Do you consider this a red flag or is he generally lovely?

mikado1 · 05/04/2015 14:46

We have exactly this problem. RReading with interest. Feel like my oh's whole identity/self esteem is based on our sex life..

crje · 05/04/2015 14:49

neither is wrong
Compromise is the only solution

He isn't allowed to be a sex pest
You need to not react to his mood.

Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 14:58

I disagree, the husband is wrong.

gatewalker · 05/04/2015 15:09

Disclaimer: I am not generalising to all posts here, nor to all relationships. Some relationships are unequivocally abusive and there is no looking at them differently.

However. Having said that, I think that quite frequently on the Relationships board posters are keen to jump on the "he's being a child" or "he's being an arse" or "LTB" bandwagons, when the situations are more nuanced than that. When this happens, there is no room for negotiation; a situation that is already shutting down is closed down further; there are misunderstandings and resentments.

By all means flame me; I'm not returning to this thread. But whenever there is a voice who dares to speak in line with the kind of thoughts I'm expressing, they are buried under a barrage of responses with nary an opportunity to see if maybe there isn't some truth to them. Much like many (mostly male) partners of OPs who post similarly, and who are also shouted down. There must be one fuck-load of abusers about. Either that or maybe - just maybe - in certain instances things are not quite as they seem.

NickiFury · 05/04/2015 15:15

Why don't you start a new thread about that gate instead of hijacking a thread where no one has said LTB or labelled him abusive.

PomeralLights · 05/04/2015 15:18

Twinklestein the way I read he truly believes I have sex with him out of duty is that he isn't just wanting sex on demand - he's upset that his DW doesn't want him as much as he wants her. It's more complicated than 'he is wrong'. I think so anyway.
OP - don't let periods/unshaved legs/any other physical things put you off sex for fear he'll think its unpleasant. I imagine he loves and wants you no matter. Obviously if you don't want sex when on for your own reasons that's different.
Another thing I find helpful is if I think I might be in the mood, I read some erotica. This often gets me going to the point where I initiate with DH which he loves :) alternatively if I start reading and think 'meh' I won't have frustrated him by starting something and then not really being into it.
The key is to find if there are ways you can genuinely want sex more often - forcing yourself to do it won't be pleasant for either of you and I imagine a fair amount of his current frustration is also complicated by feelings of worry/shame that he may be forcing you but not realising he is IYSWIM. Not a nice thing for anyone to have to worry about

HoggleHoggle · 05/04/2015 15:19

alltalk is your dh not cutting off his nose to spite his face if he won't consider 'scheduled sex' then? Like I said, obviously it's not the dream scenario but if it's the difference between having some sex or no sex, is it not the better of those two options? For us it reassured my dh that I was willing to make the effort, ie it's also important to me that we have sex. Which it is.

Why would your dh think you would only be having sex out of duty? It seems a bit unfair to moan about not having sex but then also moan if you suggest a way of trying to have regular sex.

MrsWolowitz · 05/04/2015 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 05/04/2015 15:24

Whilst I'm all for a bit of give and take and understand that sometimes partners do have a mismatched desire for sex, I don't buy the hormones/chemicals thing. I think he's being spoilt.

Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 15:28

Anyone who pesters their partner for sex and sulks and tantrums when they don't get it is in the wrong regardless of gender.

Silent treatment, moody, miserable to be around, sleeping on the sofa.. convinced I don't fancy him.. nagging

Do people really think that's a justified reaction to not getting sex when you want it?

Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 15:29

Agree with MrsWolowitz.

Twinklestein · 05/04/2015 15:30

It's one thing to have mismatched libidos and be upset about it. It's quite another to harass your partner into sex and punish them with unpleasant behaviour when you don't get your way.

YonicScrewdriver · 05/04/2015 15:30

Does he ever get up to your DD in the night?

NickiFury · 05/04/2015 16:13

I'm always surprised that it seems to
Be ok to pressure someone for sex inside of a long term relationship when it would never be countenanced from one person to another if they weren't officially together.

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