Sex is making our lives miserable - does this happen to anyone else!

[alltalkedout]

Hello. My husband and are in a bad place. Sex has always been an issue for us - according to him we don't do it enough and sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa. Then we don't have sex because I don't like him when he is like that. Usually it works out and we make up and things are fine but not this time.

It's happened again and he's left the house for the afternoon to get away (not left for good). He said he's not sure that he can live like this for the rest of his life and that we are incompatible sexually.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy. This changes who he is and I don't like who he becomes when he hasn't had sex for a while which makes it harder for us to reconcile. He is also convinced that I don't fancy him - I do I just feel knackered as my daughter wakes up every night.

I just wondered if this happens to anyone else. It make me feel like a frigid freak and he tells me that other women actually like sex and I don't. Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making him behave badly/have no control over his moods and behaviour.

Thank you.

Have only skimmed whole thread but to return to op... DH and I get grumpy with each other when we don't connect physically. Not really grumpy, just more likely to rise to unintentionally placed bait.

We did a marriage course a long time ago which talked about 'love languages' the different ways we feel love and like to express love. And sometimes I remember that DH placed physical affection higher than me, it is a way in which he feels love. It doesn't have to be full sex but little bits of physical affection like holding hands, random kisses do help us feel better connected and mean we are more likely to have sex.

Having said all that, I fully get where you are coming from about dry spells, sometimes it is hard to kick start everything again.

I do think his behaviour is a bit over-the-top and that you absolutely shouldn't feel obligated or under pressure. But if everything else in your relationship works, surely trying to work through this, communicate better, find solutions is better than 'LTB'...

Oh I suspect he will come along and say 'we don't know the full circumstances'- as he did in a previous post.

CH- this is not the AIBU forum which you inhabit a lot- it's relationships.

Ha- xd posts- he has said he already explained it!!!

There must be other circumstances we don't know about.

What could they be CH? The floor's all yours.

it looks as though he might have taken himself and his Testicles of Objectivity and Perspective off pinkfrocks, so we will be spared his wisdom

LOL!

"
I'm your husband in our relationship
I am a grouch when we go too long without sex. It's a need that's hard to describe .
"

Me too. I second that. All avoided completely with lots of masturbation - no moods then - but no closeness either.....

Actually I think everyone should be listening to what cutlery says.

Cause its a great window into the mind of someone who justifies being an azzhole and y can see how reason or appeals to empathy are useless. A great thing to remember when dealing with people like that in you own personal life if you are ever unfortunate enough to be saddled with one.

OP, if your sex life has always been like that, then he is being wholeheartedly unreasonable and childish in his behaviour to you.

You are not responsible for his happiness or his hormones.

He needs to think of ways to curb his moods as well. The lessons he is teaching your DCs about how to solve difficulties within a relationship are dysfunctional.

And please don't bother worrying about what cutlery has said, except insofar as it's a good example of how a certain type of man reacts when being gainsaid by people he feels are beneath him (ie women).

To be fair I saw a woman post a similar thing recently and was advised that if her partner couldn't match her sex drive to leave him as she wouldn't be happy. Her behaviour was similar to that of OP's husband. Does seem a bit sexist how different the attitude to a man is.

I was pestering my oh for sex, it hadn't even been that long to be honest. I didn't realise that I did it so much and thought I was being quite jokey about it. He then told me it made him feel like absolute shit. So I stopped. Felt awful that I had made him feel like that. I would still like more but I promised myself I would leave it up to him and things are good. I am glad he told me or I would have carried on. I know it's no help to you op but if you've told him how it makes you feel and he is still sulking about it then he's being totally unreasonable. I can totally understand why you feel pressured and don't want to do it under those circumstances.

MrsC... had I seen that post, and she was behaving similarly to the OP's DH, I'd have replied in the same way. What the OP's DH is doing is sulking and manipulating, is that what the DW in your thread was doing? If not, there's no comparison, and no sexism.

Hello, man here.

All I can speak from is my experience. Which is of not having anywhere near the amount of sex I would like. (There are reasons: young kids, bereavement etc). I would really quite like to have sex. But I'm not going to be emotionally manipulative to try and get my end away. I want sex with someone who wants it, not just because they feel they should otherwise I'm going to be grumpy.

As for blaming it on hormones. Just have a wank for goodness sake.

"I want sex with someone who wants it."

And so says all of humanity. (One day. I hope.)

Even though I'm a woman, I also get very moody and grumpy if I go without, and I once knew what it was like to be sexually frustrated. You both just have to make the effort and compromise.

just marking place to come back tomorrow

What does both making an effort and compromising mean in the context of one person not wanting to have sex, and the other so unable to manage their feelings as a result that the former feels anxious?

What does both making an effort and compromising mean in the context of one person not wanting to have sex, and the other so unable to manage their feelings as a result that the former feels anxious?

Unnecessarily complex sentence. I am not the person who this question was aimed at, but can still answer in context. I'll dissect the sentence to make my point.

...one person not wanting to have sex...

My DH went through a long time where he didn't want sex (which has since passed).

This did not lead to frustration for me (I am quite capable of satisfying myself), but it lead to lots of feelings of inadequately and rejection on my part.

...and the other so unable to manage their feelings as a result...

I guess it could be said that I "could not manage my feelings as a result" since I would incessantly want to talk about the issue and would sulk, nag, cry, all sorts of things.

I have at times taken to sleeping on the sofa when the feelings of rejection were so overwhelming.

...that the former feels anxious...

I know that my feelings described above lead my DH to feel anxious about our sex life at the time, which resulted in a vicious cycle.

*What does both making an effort and compromising mean in the context of...

Gosh, how long have you got.

It means we both needed to make an effort and compromise. Not just me. Not just him.

We both made an effort to be non-sexually intimate and affectionate. He did this to help me understand that he did find me attractive and was not rejecting me. I did this so that he felt more comfortable with intimacy without sexual pressure.

We both needed to just drop our hang-ups, without discussing or dissecting them. Just stop. I needed to stop feeling inadequate about our lack of sex life. He needed to stop feeling anxious about our lack of sex life.

We both needed to just crack on and have sex. I needed this physically even if the performance was dull at first. He needed to get over the psychological barriers he'd built. It just had to happen and not be analysed by either of us.

We both needed to start making sex fun (we started making sexual puns in everyday conversations to do this). I had to do this to take the pressure off my DH. He had to do this so that sex and the language of sex became less of a 'big thing' and more of a normality.

There are loads more, I could go on but have made my point.

Coercive, entilted, abusive, manipulative.

The mumnetters relationship armoury. To be referenced with every post, no exceptions

Cutleryhands seems to have taken a lot of flack on this thread for suggesting that the OPs husband is not abusive because he struggles with a marriage lacking in sex.

The genders are reversed in my situation, but the feelings at play were much the same.

This all happened to me many, many years ago now. DH and I are now very happy with an excellent sex life. We got through the other side by stopping trying to place the blame on each other and instead both letting go of our hang-ups, making an effort and compromising.

Thank you for your response, and you seem to have managed to decipher my question very ably. It must have been a very difficult situation for you. I am pleased to hear that you worked out how to change your own behaviour, and that as a couple you managed to resolve everything satisfactorily.

However while I'm sure your advice still stands, the OP seems to be talking about his behaviour after just a couple of weeks without sex, not a prolonged period. Feelings of anxiety because of how a partner responds when one doesn't want sex is a really troubling thing to happen in a relationship. It does bring in elements of coercion if he sees his own behaviour as a normal reaction to a partner not wanting sex. It begins to sound like punishment for the partner who doesn't want to have sex.

Good post FATE
I struggle with a sexless marriage. In no way do I pressure or coerce my wife in an attempt to change the situation. There are frustrations on both sides, rejection and loneliness. And increasingly despair. And yet, no solution.
And having a wank is in no way a substitute for intimacy with the person you love - not in a million years.
Hope the OP's talk leads to a shift closer to a resolution. It's not easy, and it's not black and white.

That does sound horribly difficult, I'm sorry. But the OP isn't talking about a sexless marriage - she is talking about natural short periods of time where she doesn't want to have sex.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy ..Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making him behave badly/have no control over his moods and behaviour.

It's a need that's hard to describe It's not a fucking need at all...no one needs sex, it's a line (like the one above from your dh, op) that is given to convince (usually) woman that they MUST, under all circumstances, let their partner screw them when they don't want to & make them feel bad when they don't!

Can I ask you what stops you from being intimate more often Erm..she has 2 children under 8, she works full time. Sickness, exhaustion, not wanting to etc etc...

He coerces you into having sex, but sulking when he doesn't get it, it gets you on high alert, the threat of his mood if he doesn't get it means you don't want to say no too often & probably makes you have sex you don't want/when you don't want! Sex by coercion is known as rape.

A poster did point out the difference t o be single very well in that you are not spending time alone with someone who a) you fancy and b) sex is part of that relationship already. Just because you fancy someone & want to have sex with them, doens't give you the right to fucking sulk & manipulate someone into sex.

Imagine if rapists used that line? "I fancied her & wanted to have sex with her" Ohhh, that's OK then, you fancied her, how unreasonable of her to say no & want to have some control over whether she wanted your penis in her body!! [eyeroll]

We call it male PMT in our house, because DH reacts just like I do when I have PMT, grouchy, touchy and a little bit paranoid. Instantly fixed by a shag. My 6yr kicked off last night because I said no more chocolate. She was grouchy, and touchy, some might say she tried to manipulate me.....she didn't get any chocolate though. I cannot believe people, in 2015 STILL fucking think that they have to have sex to prevent their partner sulking & don't see it as manipulative!

If you take your statement to the letter then merely being unhappy with your sex life is coercive/manipulative. being unhappy & saying so to your partner is not the same as "Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa"

Maybe you are doing too much? If it is the case, Every once a while, it is ok to leave the dishes dirty or whatever for your husband.

Cutleryhands You only think our reasoning is pathetic, because this is your life being played out here. You admitted it, you sulk about not getting sex. So it stands to reason that all these posters saying that that behaviour is unreasonable is making you feel defensive, and hit out at us all...much like you do at your partner when they don't want sex, I imagine! In fact, I'd go as far as to say your posts sound sulky & grouchy now, only your childish behaviours won't work on us. Most women on this thread aren't manipulated by grown men sulking in order to get what they want.

The reason that you feel there is zero balance here is because you are wrong. Not many people (men & women) I know personally would think manipulating someone into sex is a valid way to maintain a relationship. There is plenty of perspective here, you just don't like it because it makes you see what you are...an abuser.

To be referenced with every post, no exceptions. What you fail to understand, cutlery, is that the large majority of women who post in relationships have issues with their relationships. They don't come on here & say "dh is lovely, he bought me flowers, took the dc out for a few hours, gave me time to myself etc etc" they come on with various issues in their lives where the waters are so muddied & they have no idea what is right & wrong anymore. Woman being raped by their dh's, being hit, being manipulated, being controlled, having sex they don't want for fear of backlash (of any kind). They have been so so worn down that they have no idea which way is south most of the time.

Op has said she walks on eggshells because of it, which means that she is probably having sex she doesn't want to have, for fear of his sulking. What part of that is OK? That is no kind of life. EVERY single time a woman has sex it HAS to be because she WANTS to. What if you had a Daughter & she told you she was having sex she didn't want, otherwise she got hit? Would you tell her that her husband has needs & she must make sure the hormones don't over come him & that his sexual needs far outweigh any need she has!? God, I certainly hope not. Because that is what you are implying here.

I already have you loon. If that is how you talk to your wife, I totally understand her not wanting to have sex with you! It wouldn't make em want sex with anyone either.

MrsCs Many poster will say the same as they are saying here...but they get shot down pretty quickly! I always reverse the roles &ask what would happen if it were a man, only to get told (several times) that you simple cannot reverse the roles in this case. I agree completely, a woman posting what CH has would be excused.

OPs husband is not abusive because he struggles with a marriage lacking in sex. His marriage ISN'T lacking in sex. He does this after a couple of weeks without sex. He is hardly in a sexless marriage & so tales of comparison with how people handled a sexless marriage are invalid here. He just doesn't get as much as he wants, exactly WHEN he wants.

This all happened to me many, many years ago now. DH and I are now very happy with an excellent sex life. We got through the other side by stopping trying to place the blame on each other and instead both letting go of our hang-ups, making an effort and compromising. That is the grown up way to do it, but op's dh isn't being grown up. He is sulking, manipulating & sleeping away from the op in order to make a point. OP has already admitted to feeling on edge because of his moods & tries to avoid him getting into said mood. This is NOT a healthy way to live & the only 'compromise' he seems to be interested in, is one where op has sex when HE wants.

FATE
We got through the other side by stopping trying to place the blame on each other and instead both letting go of our hang-ups, making an effort and compromising

I don't think- with respect- that you and your DH were on the same page as the OP.

You said your DH had 'hang ups' and that there were psychological reasons he didn't want sex.

Well fair enough.

But that is not what the OP describes. She is describing a situation where she is tired, worn out and maybe ill some of the time, and she is not in the mood occasionally. That's very different from one partner having psychological issues which they need to overcome.

I was actually in a long term relationship many years ago with a man who had psychological issues around sex, after we had got off to a flying start. I found it very hard to cope with too- the rejection, the frustration, you name it. In the end, despite advice from professionals, I had to walk away from a man I loved. It was a very sad period of my life but the only good part was I was young enough to start again. I can see how that situation was very different from now when maybe either me or DH just don't feel like sex due to tiredness, illness and a million other reasons.