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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex is making our lives miserable - does this happen to anyone else!

289 replies

alltalkedout · 05/04/2015 13:36

Hello. My husband and are in a bad place. Sex has always been an issue for us - according to him we don't do it enough and sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa. Then we don't have sex because I don't like him when he is like that. Usually it works out and we make up and things are fine but not this time.

It's happened again and he's left the house for the afternoon to get away (not left for good). He said he's not sure that he can live like this for the rest of his life and that we are incompatible sexually.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy. This changes who he is and I don't like who he becomes when he hasn't had sex for a while which makes it harder for us to reconcile. He is also convinced that I don't fancy him - I do I just feel knackered as my daughter wakes up every night.

I just wondered if this happens to anyone else. It make me feel like a frigid freak and he tells me that other women actually like sex and I don't. Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making him behave badly/have no control over his moods and behaviour.

Thank you.

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 09/04/2015 21:30

Did any those women suggest she should whine, pout, sleep on the sofa, give silent treatment to her husband if he want give her sex out of duty? Guys would never put up with that attitude anyhow. It make themwant sex with them less actually (I guess they feel they have to be in control)

blueberrypie0112 · 09/04/2015 21:31

That is, it is acceptable if guys act like this but not women.

Minus2seventy3 · 09/04/2015 21:55

How many of the woman's needs is the man putting out?
I can only answer for myself, obviously, but I would say my wife and I are a partnership - whatever her, or the family needs (be they overnight wakes in early years, financial support, bedtimes, family time together , running the home, the list goes on), they were met . But lack of sex is the reason I first posted on MN. Let me tell you the reaction I got on here.
First off, yes, I did get some very helpful, very well meaning responses. But I also got disbelieved (no "taking the OP at face value"); I got interrogated; questioned as to whether I "pulled my weight". Accused of being a crap shag. Was told in no uncertain terms that it was my wife's right to never want to sleep with me again (true enough), and that I should leave, become a part time dad. And that really is the limit to MN's advice to a man in this position - leave your family or live without sex.
A woman posts in that situation, she gets all hearts and flowers, all "you poor love, deserve so much better" LTB, consider an open marriage (while the 'D'H is pilloried mercilessly for not attending his wife's needs).
And then, my thread was pulled. Seems some of the nice women on here (a support site, no less) couldn't accept a man posting genuinely and honestly for advice, (wrongly) saw only a troll, and (I think maliciously) were all too keen to mash the report button. An extra little kick in the teeth.
So yes, when a man on these boards shouts "hypocrisy", it has an element of truth to it, for I have experienced it first hand, both in my original thread, and subsequent posts to others.
The majority, I would like to think are fair, addressing posts, rather than posters - but some aren't, and those voices tend to be loudest.

SirChenjin · 09/04/2015 22:23

If it's the thread I'm thinking of then you got plenty of supportive advice, and it certainly isn't MN's advice to leave your family or live without sex - that was not the summary of the advice you received.

When you post on MN you get all manner of views - so while some of them might not have been to your liking (and I vaguely recall some of your posts were a bit suspect) that's the case with many threads (this one, for example) where a range of views are often expressed.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 09/04/2015 22:29

"Hello. My wife and are in a bad place. Sex has always been an issue for us - according to her we don't do it enough and sometimes when we do have sex she doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to her in bed.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then she starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa. Then we don't have sex because I don't like her when she is like that. Usually it works out and we make up and things are fine but not this time.

It's happened again and she's left the house for the afternoon to get away (not left for good). She said she's not sure that she can live like this for the rest of her life and that we are incompatible sexually.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but she says that if she doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make her crazy. This changes who she is and I don't like who she becomes when she hasn't had sex for a while which makes it harder for us to reconcile.She is also convinced that I don't fancy her - I do I just feel knackered as my daughter wakes up every night.

I just wondered if this happens to anyone else. It make me feel like a frigid freak and she tells me that other men actually like sex and I don't. Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making her behave badly/have no control over her moods and behaviour.

Thank you."

Does it really make any difference if it had been a man posting the same OP?
The only difference really, is that maybe it is seen as more usual for a man to want sex more than a woman. And it is also fact that women get up more with kids in the night, and do 70% of the housework, even when working full time, so maybe the man posting this would get slightly less sympathy, purely because people may not really believe he is working full time and getting up with dc every night.
BUT. The wife still comes accross like a twat. I would be on the man's side if the sexes were reversed. How could you not?

YonicScrewdriver · 09/04/2015 22:31

Pink, in answer to your question, arsenal is male.

HelenaDove · 09/04/2015 22:32

A man may get asked whether he pulls his weight.

However I GUARANTEE you that a woman who posts in the same situation will be asked if shes put ON weight.

Ive seen a couple of Dadsnetters ask women in this situation this.

HelenaDove · 09/04/2015 22:34

I think the notion in society that women arent supposed to like sex is very damaging.

pinkfrocks · 09/04/2015 22:48

Thanks Yonic - I thought as much but another poster referred to him as a 'she'.

WildBillfemale · 10/04/2015 06:40

I agree with SGB in that women have for too long had to shoehorn the way they go about sex to fit mens patterns.

But the thread is about one woman whose marriage is going down the shitter because both her and her husband can't see beyond their own self righteous selfish behaviour.

It's not a thread about putting right all the wrongs men have done to women. It's not OPs place to even think about that.

If something doesn't give in OPs marriage (and really does it really matter who backs down, petty victories aren't going to solve anything)

It will be OW, separation, divorce and all that and OP will be left wondering where here actually fairly ok marriage went and wishing she had tried a bit harder.

WildBillfemale · 10/04/2015 06:40

her not here

SirChenjin · 10/04/2015 08:03

Any woman married to this type of man-child wont be left wondering Bill - she'll be dancing a jig and thanking her lucky stars she's got rid of them

pinkfrocks · 10/04/2015 08:11

wildbill
you seem to be reading a different thread to most of us Confused.

There is no 'battle of wills' in the OP's post. Where do you find evidence for that?

But the thread is about one woman whose marriage is going down the shitter because both her and her husband can't see beyond their own self righteous selfish behaviour.

I am truly baffled at how you can read things into posts that are not there and have such limited understanding of what is written.

what is 'self righteous' about a woman who says she feels bullied by a man who throws tantrums and threatens to leave when she isn't in the mood or feeling well enough to have sex?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 10/04/2015 09:55

I am baffled by your post wildbill.
Where did anyone say she ought to be righting all the wrongs men have done women?
My earlier post actually had lots of useful suggestions how her husband might be able to get their sex life back on track. Like pitching in around the house, and stopping whining like a toddler when doesn't get his way.
You do get that the OP is an actual human person, right? With actual feeljngs of her own?
I feel a bit sorry for you if your idea of an acceptable sex life is to lie back and think of England.
That doesn't sound very satisfying for either party.

WildBillfemale · 10/04/2015 10:05

It's amazing how many of you appear to hate OPs husband though you've never met him..........no projection going on here!??

WildBillfemale · 10/04/2015 10:08

Those who keep bleating on about housework yawn yawn ....maybe if H was having a happy warm frequent sex life he would pitch in more!

Twinklestein · 10/04/2015 10:08

I can only infer WildBill is a) reading a different thread and b) has very low expectations of men.

ChopperGordino · 10/04/2015 10:09

Ok, so you're not going to respond to questions, then?

I think most posters here actually think better of men because most of us won't accept that they are so naturally beholden to the whims of their testes that they can't treat their partner like a human being.

pinkfrocks · 10/04/2015 10:15

Where is the OP?
Shame she won't come back and say what she thinks.

SirChenjin · 10/04/2015 10:16

Bill - are you seriously trying to present an argument here (you're failing) or are you simply stirring to try and get a reaction (you're failing)?

WildBillfemale · 10/04/2015 10:38

What would you lot get frothed up about if OP actually decided to start having sex with her husband (I know that's an alien concept on mumsnet)

SirChenjin · 10/04/2015 10:54

That didn't answer my questions Bill. Simply throwing more nonsensical histrionics into the mix doesn't achieve anything - other than make you look increasingly unhinged.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 10/04/2015 11:14

I think perhaps someone's meds need adjusting...?

Twinklestein · 10/04/2015 11:20

I'm not surprised the OP hasn't returned given the shenanigans.

differentnameforthis · 10/04/2015 14:52

I think the OP just pulled them out of the air. People are notoriously bad at measuring time. A week or two could be a month; could be six weeks.

Why are you calling the op a liar?

What do you mean by compromise?

By WildBillfemale Thu 09-Apr-15 02:51:12 Why is it so hard for OP to have sex? You don't have to be in the mood so its an earth shattering meeting of body soul and mind each time, a quickie would keep hubbie happy and OP might get more into it.

I.e, just give into him & have sex [that you may not want] to keep him happy!

Minus2seventy3 If the roles here were reversed, whilst a man might be told to put up & shut up or leave, the op here has been told to have sex she doesn't want, when she doesn't want in order to appease her dh.

She has been told that if she just did it (one poster even alluded to her not needing to be 'in the mood') her dh wouldn't sulk & she might even want it more!

She has been called a liar (poster accused her of not knowing EXACTLY how long it had been & said she just randomly choose 2 weeks)

I can guarantee a man would NEVER be told to have sex he doesn't want! He would never be accused of lying about how long it had been.

So while yes, there probably IS some stuff that was said to you, that wasn't said here, the opposite works too. There is NO way men or woman would advocate a man have sex when he didn't want to.

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