Sex is making our lives miserable - does this happen to anyone else!

[alltalkedout]

Hello. My husband and are in a bad place. Sex has always been an issue for us - according to him we don't do it enough and sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa. Then we don't have sex because I don't like him when he is like that. Usually it works out and we make up and things are fine but not this time.

It's happened again and he's left the house for the afternoon to get away (not left for good). He said he's not sure that he can live like this for the rest of his life and that we are incompatible sexually.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy. This changes who he is and I don't like who he becomes when he hasn't had sex for a while which makes it harder for us to reconcile. He is also convinced that I don't fancy him - I do I just feel knackered as my daughter wakes up every night.

I just wondered if this happens to anyone else. It make me feel like a frigid freak and he tells me that other women actually like sex and I don't. Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making him behave badly/have no control over his moods and behaviour.

Thank you.

Let's get some perspective. The OP talks about going a week or two sometimes without sex. That's hardly a drought, and is nothing like a sexless marriage that some posters seem to be treating it like.

He is of course within his 'rights' to want more sex. And if he really wants to he could leave. But what he is saying just comes across as so much shit. Being moody, blaming it on hormones (so of course it's her fault), threatening to leave etc all just seem to be an attempt to coerce her into having more sex. If he can't respect that illness, young kids waking through the night, work and so on, will make her less in the mood then he is a selfish idiot who can't see beyond his own desires.

To be fair if my boyfriend didn't sleep with me for weeks/months I would probably act crappy as well.

I think it's pretty selfish to barely sleep with your partner and expect things to be okay. People can turn around and say "well if you love and respect someone you would understand or it wouldn't matter" but that's so wrong. If you loved and respected someone you would sleep with them and show them love.

Don't get me wrong, if you're ill or seriously tired then that's fair enough. Does he pull his weight around the house??

I know sex isn't the be all and end all, but I must say if my partner wasn't sleeping with me I would eventually have to reconsider.

When you're ill it doesn't last a life time. Why is it a struggle to get back into things AFTER you're feeling better??

I think if something so normal is a stuggle then you both need to have an honest chat together.

@whatsthat.....It depends on the person does it not? Two weeks without sex is most certainly a drought to me, and not something I would be happy about if my Husband went that long not interested!

Tis another day and by the look of it a little more sense/balance on this thread.

Nice to see :-)

None of it has come from you mate.

So Fearless after 2 weeks of no sex you would start acting 'crappy'?

Do you work FT and have 2 children under 8?

Do you get 'moody', 'miserable' and behave 'like a spoilt child'?

Does it not occur to you that it's hard to fancy and want to have sex with someone who's behaving like an arse? That it's also hard to respect them?

That in itself is one the reasons DH gets less sex than he might.

Haven't read all of this but just wanted to say that is the biggest load of bullshit that if he doesn't get sex his hormones go mad and he changes into another person, he is who he is, with our without sex!

Fearless I know sex isn't the be all and end all, but I must say if my partner wasn't sleeping with me I would eventually have to reconsider

I think many people would too. But that's not what the OP said, is it?

I think it's pretty selfish to barely sleep with your partner and expect things to be okay. People can turn around and say "well if you love and respect someone you would understand or it wouldn't matter" but that's so wrong. If you loved and respected someone you would sleep with them and show them love.

Even if you were tired or ill ?

So do you think that showing respect to your partner includes being moody, sleeping on the sofa in the 'huff', walking out of the home for the afternoon, blaming your hormones, implying you are useless in bed, and saying you will go crazy [FFS], and threatening to leave the relationship?

That is really going to make a woman feel like having sex with the man. Isn't it?

Or do you think it's her wifely duty and she should just get on with it?

If your user name stands for born in 1991 then maybe you need a bit more life experience under your belt ( and a couple of young kids, lack of sleep and a full time job) to understand the OP's situation.

Looking for a spat Cutlery? you are using those spoons of yours to stir things up, aren't you?

jd56, the OP has talked about things like illness being the cause of not having sex for a week or two, not a case of not being interested. Do you act like a petulant child if you haven't had any for a bit?

I think it's pretty selfish to barely sleep with your partner and expect things to be okay

TWO WEEKS
TWO FUCKING WEEKS

When she is ILL, HAS HER PERIOD, KIDS ARE ILL, HE IS ILL, SHE IS TIRED, KIDS ARE KEEPING THEM UP.

That isn't selfish, it's called LIFE!!!

It is posts & attitudes likes yours that see woman giving in under pressure for fear of being thought of as selfish!

None of it has come from you mate

true that!

I was frequently rejected by DH who would choose to fall asleep in front of the tv than have sex. It made me feel unloved and sex was always on his terms- about once a week. It made me question our relationship and feel sad, I go quiet and it probably came across as sulking.
This has meant I never initiate sex for fear of rejection. Imagine how it feels if someone you love doesn't want to cuddle you? It can make you feel unattractive. There are also many who withhold sex as a punishment, because they can. I think if you don't have a high sex drive it's hard to imagine what it feels like on the other side. I think my sex drive has now got the message.

That does sound difficult. But who says that those criticising the OP's H don't have high sex drives? It's possible to have a high sex drive but to respond differently to someone saying no to sex.

The op was looking to know if it happened in other relationships -
it does.
They now need to work on communication and compromise?

100% agree his language is not acceptable.

Trouble is, wanting sex is one of the fundimentals of being human isn't it?

For someone with a 'healthy' sex drive of, say, three times a week, not having sex for a fortnight is quite a bit of abstinence.

Isn't it just like trying to stop an obese person with comfort eating issues over-eating for a fortnight? The obese person is not going to die of lack of food, but because the need to eat is one of the things you can't ever just get rid of it's such a basic need that it's very difficult just stop the eating because your partner says so.

As crje says.....communication and compromise. Both need to make an effort. One to control their natural impulses and their resulting negative behavior. The other to try and....well I guess have more sex, or at least take steps to enhance the possibility of having sex. I don't know, it's a tough one because nobody should be made to do anything they don't want to and I'm not clever enough to navigate that minefield!

sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed.

Does that put extra pressure on you? Is part of the problem you are made to feel that when you do sleep together he's still dissatisfied?

When you do have sex is he as invested in your pleasure as he is in his own?

rb32 The difference is between comfort eating & sex is that during comfort eating, you are not pressurising an unwilling partner to be filled with food they don't want to be filled with!

If you comfort eat & can't do so for 2 weeks, that isn't because someone is unable to do it with you.

The two are not comparable to be fair. There is NO act that is comparable to sex, actually! No one should have to compromise and schedule sex, because then it starts to feel like chore & makes [forces?] the person who may be less willing to do it when they don't want to.

This is sex we are talking about, not loaning someone your coffee machine. It is an intimate act that leaves (mainly women) in a vulnerable place & the choice to be able to say no is a very important one & one we should be reaching for & teaching our children.

The op said they have, at most, 2 weeks where something might not happen. Be it illness, periods, tiredness, kids sick etc. 2 weeks is not a life time & no, sorry, it isn't "quite a bit of abstinence"! Dh & I have gone a lot longer than this, and believe me, we didn't need sex to feel loved/close etc, because we feel close in other ways. I don't need a penis inside of me to feel loved & he doesn't need his penis in me to feel loved. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen.

I cannot believe a fully grown man or woman finds it acceptable to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa & cannot see that that kind of thing makes him look immature & stupid...not someone I'd want to be intimate with, anyway!

It's like people equate sex to breathing...

If your daughter came home & told you her dh was behaving like this, would you REALLY equate it to being obese & comfort eating & tell her to compromise (i.e schedule/have sex when she doesn't want to?) I won't be.

differentnameforthis - I think you've got the wrong end of the stick or are atleast reading more into what I was saying than I really was.

What I was saying is if an obese person had to go on a strick diet for two weeks and their partner was making them eat only veg for two weeks rather than crisps cake massive currys etc then you could see why the obese person might get grumpy about it. The obese person shouldn't take this out on their partner, constantly moaning about how hungry they are, or that veg tastes like shit and they hate the diet or badgering them for a kebab. But it's going against such a basic human instinct it's hard. Of course they have a right to say no to a diet. A two week diet may be easy for you to put up with, but for someone who comfort eats it may seem like a very long time! It's not a perfect analogy but all I was saying is that in both cases something as basic as food and sex is being taken away and it's hard.

If either of my daughters or my son came to me saying their partner was behaving like this I'd say they're out of order for being sulky etc. I'd also tell them that it's something that they'll need to sort out as they can't blame their partner for being upset about a lack of sex so they will both need to put in some effort to sort it out! As I said, I'm not clever enough to come up with an answer apart from the partner wanting sex must temper their fustrations.

rb32 you're being daft.

There is no comparison between someone obese overeating and someone not getting as much sex as they'd like.
Eating is a solitary habit, essentially,- sex needs 2 people ( unless you include masturbation.)

I'd also tell them that it's something that they'll need to sort out as they can't blame their partner for being upset about a lack of sex so they will both need to put in some effort to sort it out!

Is it beyond your intelligence to understand that when a man behaves as the Op's has, the very last thing she wants is sex?

The only person who needs to sort himself about ( in all senses perhaps) is the man. His behaviour is unreasonable. You don't get what you want from someone by being huffy, coercive, threatening and childish.

I hope you'd teach your children that, too.

I'm absolutely shocked to think that people seem to think he is even remotely right- we are talking of no sex for a couple of weeks-ish. I know many long-marrieds who go months ( and in some cases years) without sex.

There are also people who are not in a relationship for long periods of time who have a high sex drive- what are they supposed to do?

It can become a problem if it is one thing after another (one week, you are ill, next week, you are too tired, third week,more excuses) and before you know it, you two haven't done it for months.

If your husband need more, then he need to help you around the house more. So you don't feel so drained.

there are also people who go without sex for religion reasons (don't believe in birth control so they practice abstinence to avoid pregnancy

Ah I get you. so being ill and tired are excuses.

Funny how so many women here seem to support men who are complete arses.

pinkfroks I was trying to make a wider point-

"There is no comparison between someone obese overeating and someone not getting as much sex as they'd like." I'm just saying that food and sex are both basic human desires (insticts, needs, wants - I hope you see what I mean). Take the food and the sex away and it's upsetting, difficult to accept.

"Is it beyond your intelligence to understand that when a man behaves as the Op's has, the very last thing she wants is sex?" No, I get this. It's very understandable! And you'll see in both my posts I've said he will need to stop this ("temper their fustration", "control their...resulting negative behavior").

"The only person who needs to sort himself about ( in all senses perhaps) is the man. His behaviour is unreasonable." I'm not saying his behavior is reasonable, but it is explainable.

OP, sorry for digressing here (as threads on internet forums often do). For what it's worth, I agree with Pinkfroks. He needs to control himself and somehow make him realise that sometimes things get in the way of sex and over weeks, months and years it's never going to be constant.

Well no, if you take food away from a human it will die. If you take sex away it will be perfectly fine. Sex is a want not a need.