Sex is making our lives miserable - does this happen to anyone else!

[alltalkedout]

Hello. My husband and are in a bad place. Sex has always been an issue for us - according to him we don't do it enough and sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa. Then we don't have sex because I don't like him when he is like that. Usually it works out and we make up and things are fine but not this time.

It's happened again and he's left the house for the afternoon to get away (not left for good). He said he's not sure that he can live like this for the rest of his life and that we are incompatible sexually.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy. This changes who he is and I don't like who he becomes when he hasn't had sex for a while which makes it harder for us to reconcile. He is also convinced that I don't fancy him - I do I just feel knackered as my daughter wakes up every night.

I just wondered if this happens to anyone else. It make me feel like a frigid freak and he tells me that other women actually like sex and I don't. Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making him behave badly/have no control over his moods and behaviour.

Thank you.

Thanks for all your comments and tips. It's given me a lot to think about. ;)

This thread could have been written nearly word for we word by my wife.

There is an element of childish behavior granted but abuse/bullying is completely subjective and im guessing in 75% of cases utter tosh. A poster did point out the difference t o be single very well in that you are not spending time alone with someone who a) you fancy and b) sex is part of that relationship already.

I could go on all day but sleeping on the sofa is not a childish protestation. It's a way of trying to get sleep as laying next to the person you love and want plays tricks with your mind to the point you feel utterly rejected and feel suffocated by it.
I do not have an answer at all but labelling eveyone EA is ridiculous.

He's being a twat...if you are exhausted and don't feel like it, then you don't feel like it and how frickin miserable for a DH to sulk until he gets it. Hideous. Your husband needs to go and do a hardcore workout everyday a steal with those hormones so e other way else he's put a stranglehold on your entire relationship as he is literally killing the intimacy and passion.

Sorry that was meant to say 'to deal with' not 'a steal with'!

And how often does your husband get up to your daughter in the night?

"I start to get really anxious as I know what might happen (his mood)"

this is the alarming part. if you are on eggshells during (natural) periods of time when you don't want to have sex then that's very troubling.

We call it male PMT in our house, because DH reacts just like I do when I have PMT, grouchy, touchy and a little bit paranoid. Instantly fixed by a shag. Woebetide us if the two phases coincide! It is difficult to negotiate, total honesty and a real effort to see things from the other persons point of view and sometimes making an effort to have sex even when you aren't that enthused are what works for us. I do not know many couples who are well matched sex drive wise, we are well matched but only for one or two weeks out of four.

"sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed".

OK then. So he thinks you should service him as often as he likes, regardless of your own desires, and it should be in the "right way" as well. Tell him to have a bloody wank if it's causing him ill-health.

Have you actually mentioned that all the silent treatment, sulking and whatnot is guaranteed to turn desire off like a light-switch so he's really only shooting himself in the foot with his petulance? He sounds like a right prize. Not.

A lot of this is true in our relationship but we have recognised that we need to make the effort to fulfil each other's needs. If there is a dry spell, I miss the intimacy and DH gets grumpy (doesn't pester for sex but I now recognise the 'symptoms ').More regular sex fulfils my need for intimacy and affection and makes me want more sex, all of which keeps DH happy ..... And so the cycle continues.

Mrs wolowitz. If you take your statement to the letter then merely being unhappy with your sex life is coercive/manipulative.

All so willing to jump on the bandwagon. If posters took all the advice given on here youd all be single.

His behaviour is unacceptable.

There are times in most marriages when one partner doesn't want sex. I wonder what he'd do if you suddenly became ill or god forbid, disabled and couldn't have sex for purely physical reasons? That happened to me ( the former) and we didn't have full sex for a very, very long time. DH was understanding. He didn't go and sulk and sleep in the sofa.

He's bullying you and TBH I think he is using sex- or lack of it- as a get out of jail card- ie the marriage. I'd not be shocked if he didn't want to stay married anyway and is using this bullying tactic as a way of breaking things up. It's not the behaviour of a man who loves and cherishes his wife.

The 'professional' advice would be for him to back right off. Not mention it, not approach you and wait for you to approach him.
If it might help, go for couples counselling. He has no 'right' to sex just because he wants it.

In your shoes I'd be thinking of leaving because any man who behaved like this wouldn't have a place in my life.

Because your not being pressured into having sex. The behaviour comes from rejection, not pressuring to have sex.

next time he should wake her up and explain why he cant sleep. Really ? That would end well wouldnt it.

I would love to see the response to that post on here.

Wow what a charmer a wife getting up every night with DC or ill and his response is he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa.

Who wants to have sex with a man like that?

Pinfrocks, if you cant have sex you cant be rejected. For gods sake, its not sex. Its rejection.

moodiness because someone won't have sex with you is abusive

if a partner is very anxious about the behavioural fallout from them turning down sex, then that is very worrying

You can make it about be randy all you like. It fits your stereotype of a man obviously.

Pathetic.

"if you say no, i feel rejected and that makes me behave badly. so it's your fault if i behave badly"

totally coercive

Cutlery- I don't quite understand your point. I don't want this to be about me but the point was I had an illness- a disease- that did not make sex impossible, but it would have caused pain. For years. Some men may have thought I should just put up with it.

The end result is the same- no sex. The Op's DH is being a prize arse.

stop being silly cutleryhands

mrswolowitz is saying precisely the opposite - it isn't natural behaviour in a man at all

No decent man would expect their wife to endure pain for their saxual gratification.

Thats part of the point though. I suspect you all want to put thus guy in that sort of category.