Sex is making our lives miserable - does this happen to anyone else!

[alltalkedout]

Hello. My husband and are in a bad place. Sex has always been an issue for us - according to him we don't do it enough and sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa. Then we don't have sex because I don't like him when he is like that. Usually it works out and we make up and things are fine but not this time.

It's happened again and he's left the house for the afternoon to get away (not left for good). He said he's not sure that he can live like this for the rest of his life and that we are incompatible sexually.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy. This changes who he is and I don't like who he becomes when he hasn't had sex for a while which makes it harder for us to reconcile. He is also convinced that I don't fancy him - I do I just feel knackered as my daughter wakes up every night.

I just wondered if this happens to anyone else. It make me feel like a frigid freak and he tells me that other women actually like sex and I don't. Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making him behave badly/have no control over his moods and behaviour.

Thank you.

oh ffs!

No, not FFS.

I'd have made exactly the same point if someone else hadn't first.

Apart from maintaining the species, sex is an activity. It is pleasurable, sure, but it is not essential for our own survival. How do you think nuns and monks manage?

All this stuff about people who have high sex drives which must be satisfied is so childish.

Many people who are not in a relationship manage perfectly well.

his behavior is inexcusable though.
Couples are capable of making this work without doing what he is doing.

"Ma if my husband decided I don't need caress , touch, or anything from him (or if I feel I don't need anything from him), I would begin to start questioning my own relationship with him. I, too, get tired and ill and not in the mood but I do have to figure out how to keep the fire going in our relationship and make time for him. Even if I need his help.

Yes ffs! All I've said is that it's a basic human instinct and can't just be wiped out of a person. Of course it can be controlled, I'm sure monks and nuns use their faith in the eternal sky fairy to do so! I bet it's actually bloody hard work! Catholic priests anyone?

Can you not accept that the desire for sex is a very strong urge in most humans?

A urge, but not a need.

It's a strong urge in some people but it varies. People don't die from lack of sex. Most adults have or will have times in their lives when a partner is not an option or available at whim.

Humans are thinking creatures- we are supposed to temper our urge to fuck with some consideration for others and their feelings, as well as social conventions of acceptable behaviour.

I don't know what you are arguing about really.
If someone had consistently withheld sex for months or years without good reason, then the other person would be justified in leaving the relationship or trying to mend it.

What the OP describes is a man who behaves like a selfish idiot- who says his hormones make him go crazy- if he doesn't get sex for a few weeks.

Pink, I wasn't really trying to argue here, just open up a discussion as to why the OP's husband gets arsey. But I think the comparison is valid and it's more than just a want. I may want to read a certain book, but it's not as fundimental to being human as eating or shagging. Yeh, humans are thinking creatures, but look at the amount of overweight people who can't control their urge to eat sweet things. Same principle really. Again, it varies from person to person but it's such a fundimental part of us it can be difficult to control and dampen.

sorry but I don't agree with the food v sex analogy.
People who have food issues tend to be addicted and also have emotional issues which cause them to overeat.

You really can't compare a normal healthy sex drive with people who can't control their intake of food.

If you were to continue with the logical extension of that, then what you are saying is that people who wanted a lot of sex would go around raping and having sex with anyone in sight just to satisfy their 'urge'. Obviously most of us control that urge and only have sex with someone who is equally keen to have sex with us.

Yy pink.

People are often more than 2 weeks between relationships - how does your analogy work there?

Humans need to eat, drink and breathe.

Next in the hierarchy of needs is shelter, light etc

Then companionship, family etc.

Nearly always, when a woman posts on here to say that her male partner is not keen to have sex with her, she will then describe how she has done almost everything that's advised to rekindle the relationship: she has asked him in a non-pressuring way if there's a problem he wants to talk about, she will have bought new underwear or lost weight, she may have adapted her sexual behaviour to please him more, and by the time she posts on here she is generally bitterly unhappy and thinks she must be a nymphomaniac or totally repulsive. Usually, the man's behaviour paints a picture of him being either lazy and selfish or so far back in the closet it's practically Narnia, and sometimes it's abusive behaviour (witholding sex to punish the partner and cause her distress.)
We live in a culture which has run on male-designed, male-dominated lines for centuries: both men and women are told that men's wishes, men's needs and men in general just matter more than women. Women are supposed to adapt to what men want, to gratify men and keep them happy.

OP, have a think about what things your H does for your benefit and not his own. Does he look after the children so that you can get an evening a week or an afternoon at the weekend to see your friends, do a hobby, go for a swim or whatever? If he brings you a present occasionally, is it something thoughtful that you want or need? (Some men turn up with a limp bunch of petrol station flowers and expect an immediate blowjob: that's not the sort of thing I mean).
Does he do his share of domestic work?
Men who do no work round the house and no childcare, or very little, and yet nag and whine for sex on a regular basis almost always kill off their sex lives because it becomes next to impossible to feel sexual desire when the man is making it so obvious that you are his servant and sex is just one more thing you are supposed to do for him.

It's also worth bearing in mind that there often comes a point with a man who behaves horribly over his female partner's supposed lack of libido doesn't actually want sex with her any more. It's become more about upsetting and annoying the woman, maybe scaring her - or sometimes it's about justifying the fact that he is pursuing other women.

< applauds sgb >

Sexual motivation in humans is driven in various complex ways which include psychological, social, cultural, and biological factors.

Stress, anxiety, fatigue, level of intimacy with one's partner, outside distractions, physical health, drugs or alcohol use, and mental illnesses such as depression, can all have an effect on sex drive.

Past experiences such as sexual abuse, assault, trauma, neglect, or body image issues can also greatly interfere with a person's sexual motivation.
Psychologically, a person's urges can be repressed or sublimated...

Which is a little bit more complex than the Patriarchal, do the dishes argument being put forward here..

well, frank, you would say that

Why would I say that Any Fucker..????
Maybe men ought to change tack a T shirt with "I do the dishes, change nappies and love night feeds" is sure to keep the Female population swooning..

In fact, the arguments put forward here are more complex than the gross simplification of 'Patriarchal, do the dishes argument'.

And I don't personally feel I need sex drive mansplained to me... I know perfectly well how it works.

Sure, some people are much more interested in and keen on sex than others. For quite a lot of people, interest in sex varies depending on what's going on in their lives, as well: being very stressed can make some people frantic for sex as a release while it puts others right off the whole business. Age, health, hormone levels and some types of medication can also change how someone feels about sex.
But being in a relationship with someone who is not only treating you like a convenience but bullying you when you don't fulfill your functions is guaranteed to make you stop wanting sex.

Having mismatched libidos is something that can be sorted out easily enough when both partners like, respect and care for each other and are willing to communicate. Yes, it is miserable to feel that your partner is rejecting you all the time, but when that happens you need to examine your own behaviour and attitude as well - have you talked to your partner about how s/he feels? Or are you just sulking and whining? And if you are the one who doesn't want sex, can you identify what's putting you off and can you explain to your partner what's going on - without your partner whining or getting aggressive?

Having mismatched libidos is something that can be sorted out easily enough when both partners like, respect and care for each other and are willing to communicate.

Really? I have seen zero evidence of this in real life or on this board. This is a highly sensitive area and often a lot of societal conditioning in play. Circumstances, physical changes, emotional difficulties - all can affect a couple's sex life. I don't think the OP's DH sounds great but I hate this pretend perfect relationship that everyone's marriage is held against and then instantly fails. Especially when the DH is the bad guy. Even good marriages can get into ruts or bad habits.

Any marriage in which one partner is using sulking, threats, nagging and bad temper on an almost constant basis to get his/her own way is a bad marriage.
When one partner is scared of the other, then really the marriage should be ended sooner rather than later. It doesn't actually matter what the area of conflict is: sex, money, tidiness, jealousy - your partner is not your boss and not your owner and if you have a partner who does behave as though you are a servant or a domestic pet, the best thing to do is kick that partner out.

< applauds sgb >

Joins in

*So Fearless after 2 weeks of no sex you would start acting 'crappy'?

Do you work FT and have 2 children under 8?

Do you get 'moody', 'miserable' and behave 'like a spoilt child'?

Does it not occur to you that it's hard to fancy and want to have sex with someone who's behaving like an arse? That it's also hard to respect them?

That in itself is one the reasons DH gets less sex than he might.*

Yes after 2 weeks I would feel crappy. For my partner to not have sex with me for 14 days would leave me feeling moody and rejected.. That doesn't make me a spoilt child. Not having sex with your husband because he's annoyed that he's not getting sex is childish.

Why SHOULDNT he act moody when his own wife chooses not to sleep with him?

Why is sex considered less important than other things?

Like I said, if she's ill or on her period then that's fair enough.

I'm sure when the OP is tired there's still time to watch the TV. Why not use that time to instead spend quality time with your husband and have sex?

Not having sex with your husband because he's annoyed that he's not getting sex is childish.

Not having sex with your husband because he's annoyed that he's not getting sex is not giving into manipulation, it's not being forced to have sex, it's not having sex with someone who carries on like a teenage boy, it's deciding what is done to your body!

I really hate how the op is being held accountable & to blame for her dh's behaviour. It's almost like she is being told to shut up, have sex & get him out of his mood & he will be nicer...

Well fuck that! She is not responsible for her dh's mood! HE is acting childish, not her.

Are you 24 like your use name infers?

Why not use that time to instead spend quality time with your husband and have sex?

a) because no-one wants to have sex with a whiney, self-centred man-child who behaves the way he does when he doesn't 'get' sex

b) because she has the right to watch TV without said man-child kicking off

c) any other reason she might choose.

She's not a wank sock.