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Original poster

No sex - making him understand what he's doing to me

141 replies

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 18:17

I don't care about outing myself in this. I'm 24, he's 42. Been together 2 1/2 years. Last year we had sex 5 or 6 times, nothing since beginning of November last year. In January I sat him down and explained lack of sex was destroying me. Put on weight, no confidence, no self esteem. I hate myself. But I love him to pieces, he says he loves me and I believe him, but I just can't keep ignoring the fact we don't have sex. He said we would work on it and things would change but that was bollocks. He's asked me to move in with him but how can I make a big commitment to someone who can physically show me affection? I'm terrified I'm wasting my life with him. He is perfect in all other ways and we are very much best friends and in love. I just can't get him to understand he needs to fucking sort it out. I'm done with being patient. I think I just need help from other women (and men) in making him see that a relationship without sex is utterly destroying to me. Sorry this is all garbled I'm too down to think neatly. Just please help me.

OP posts:
polycomfort · 03/04/2015 18:18

What do you think the problem is? As a guess - porn?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 03/04/2015 18:20

Definitely

jelliebelly · 03/04/2015 18:23

Is it just sex? Or does he show no affection?

Original poster
MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 18:27

I haven't had the balls to ask about porn because if he is masturbating it will kill me. I highly suspect he doesn't even do that though, in sure it's genuine libido issues. When I questioned him before he said I judged him and he was too scared to initiate anything in case I judged him again. I apologised on my hands and knees for him this but what actually happened is I once told him he COULD be selfish with sex (not that he was but he could be) because I always had to initiate it and he never did. I was horrified my comment had hurt him so much and explained he had taken it completely the wrong way but I'm now thinking one comment shouldn't shut him down completely and there are other issues he won't address.

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 03/04/2015 18:27

has the sex life ever been good with him? if not he may just havea low libido and you can't do anything about that.

beaglesaresweet · 03/04/2015 18:28

cross posted, OP!

Original poster
MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 18:30

Kisses (pecks) and cuddles just nothing sexual. When we first got together the sex was incredible and wild and honestly the best I've ever had it was diverse and connected and amazing. This is why the extreme change is so confusing.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 18:30

Some people have lower sex drives, or medication can lower it - either way no-one should feel forced to have sex and if it is an absolute must for you I think you may need to go your separate ways.

In what way is it 'destroying you'? Your urges, or how you feel about yourself? If it's the latter its your responsibility to try and build up your self esteem rather than relying on your DP to provide sex to build it for you.

If he doesn't show affection at all though that's a different issue

ALaughAMinute · 03/04/2015 18:31

Sorry to say, but he sounds a selfish bastard and I think you should get rid of him!

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 18:33

Sorry to say, but he sounds a selfish bastard and I think you should get rid of him!

Would you say that about a woman?

How is not wanting sex very often the sign of a 'selfish bastard'.

Iflyaway · 03/04/2015 18:33

This will not change OP, I'm sorry.

Getting down on your hands and knees? Hmm

I know what I would be doing if it were me.

Original poster
MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 18:34

He is affectionate Grays, just not sexual. It has destroyed my confidence and self esteem. I have been working out and starting hobbies and all sorts of things to build it back up myself but there's nothing so damaging to your confidence than losing 2 stone, buying new underwear and getting into bed for a cuddle with the man you love and he just turns away and gies to sleep...

OP posts:
AmyElliotDunne · 03/04/2015 18:35

You're incompatible, you've explained that you need things to change and he hasn't done. I'm afraid there's not much you can do.

If it's not a general lack of affection, then he clearly has a lower sex drive than you. If he is still managing to be loving, affectionate and physical, but just falling short of actual sex, then maybe you can find a compromise somewhere in the middle, although most likely outcome is that you spend years feeling like you're pressurising him and feeling worse about yourself when you get rejected.

If he's not affectionate outside of the bedroom and doesn't even want to kiss, cuddle, do things for you, then I would be taking it that for some reason he's just not really bothered about you. Whether that's because he has erectile problems, porn overuse, affair etc. the reason is a bit irrelevant, the outcome is, you feel terrible about yourself and are not having your needs met.

You want and deserve a happy sex life and it sounds like you've made this clear to him and you're at the end of your tether. I'm afraid I'd be walking away.

SilverBirch2015 · 03/04/2015 18:37

Sounds like there is more than just sex that is going wrong here, it is a symptom of your relationship problems rather than the cause.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2015 18:39

Don't move in with him.

You are 24 with a wonderful sex life ahead of you...don't give it up for a man who says he will try to change but...

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2015 18:40

Where are you getting that from silver?

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 18:41

Yeah OP I agree with Amy

It must be so difficult for the both of you, having different sex drives can ruin everything. To give some context me and my partner were as you described, had a lot of sex, was very good... however that dwindled and now it's 1 every 3 month if that. We're only young, but it works for us because we both have low sex drives. I think it would be an issue if like you, one of us depended a lot on sex.

It's not fair on you to have a sexless relationship if you need it, and at the same time it's not fair on him to have sex when he doesn't want it. I think there's only one answer for you but it isn't nice when you seem to have a loving relationship in every other respect.

Original poster
MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 18:42

I'm at a loss to our other problems Silver unless I'm missing something? It could be me and in a way I wish it was so I could fix it or change. If I'm at fault I'd accept that.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2015 18:49

He understands perfectly well that you would like more sex. But he doesn't want to have more sex with you. Or, at least, he doesn't want to address the problem. Given the age gap, it could simply be that his willy's no longer reliable and he really doesn't want to have to own up to being Mr Floppy either to you or to a doctor, so he'd rather just give up on sex.

But you are 24. That's much too young to be struggling and panicking and trying to force a failing relationship to 'work'.You're not old enough to have to percieve Mr Floppy as your last chance to have a baby, either. Disengage from him, wish him well and move on. He's not The Most Wonderful Man In The World,even if he's pleasant company. At best, he's selfish and lazy; at worst he is using you to feed his ego and mask some sort of psychosexual problems that are his and his alone.

thehumanjam · 03/04/2015 18:49

You are incompatible it's as simple as that. The poster who said he is a selfish bastard is very very unreasonable. I'm not sure it's fixable, if you don't have children I would say walk away, you both deserve partners on the same wavelength.

Original poster
MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 18:51

I almost think I could live without actually having sex as long as I had reinforcement that I was attractive, desirable etc. a proper kiss would be incredible I haven't been kissed in months and I miss that the most. To clarify I don't put any pressure on him, I very tentatively test the waters every now and then but if he doesn't reciprocate I leave it as I want him to be into it. If it clearly isn't clicking I will step back and leave it.

OP posts:
SilverBirch2015 · 03/04/2015 18:52

Well you said the sex was fantastic at the start of the relationship, no sign of a love sex drive there?

FenellaFellorick · 03/04/2015 18:52

If he is not a sexual person, this will not change.

Some people just do not want sex. They can be affectionate, loving, nice people who just do not want sex.

If sex is something that is essential to you - and it sounds like it is - please consider leaving him.

I don't say that lightly, honestly I don't. I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting sex. I think it's a perfectly valid choice.

I think it is 100% wrong to attempt to force another person into a celibate life with you.

It's not about the spasms because let's be honest, you can do that yourself. It's about the closeness, it's about sex= being loved and wanted.

It destroys you when the person you love does not want to be intimate with you. You look at yourself for reasons why. If only you were prettier, slimmer, more this more that, then he'd want you. You wonder if he's getting it elsewhere, if you revolt him, you wonder if he's gay, you go through hell.

Then you give up. You stop caring. It stops being an issue to you because you let that part of you die. Somehow that's worse, I guess but at least you don't cry yourself to sleep any more.

Don't let this be you in 20 years. If he won't work with you, won't see a doctor, isn't interested in a sex life, then let him go. It is more painful to stay than to go.

Quitelikely · 03/04/2015 18:55

I don't understand how all of a sudden he went off sex. Was it a sudden thing or gradual?

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 18:55

Ah yes men with low libidos must either be lazy and selfish or have penis problems Hmm

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