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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No sex - making him understand what he's doing to me

141 replies

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 18:17

I don't care about outing myself in this. I'm 24, he's 42. Been together 2 1/2 years. Last year we had sex 5 or 6 times, nothing since beginning of November last year. In January I sat him down and explained lack of sex was destroying me. Put on weight, no confidence, no self esteem. I hate myself. But I love him to pieces, he says he loves me and I believe him, but I just can't keep ignoring the fact we don't have sex. He said we would work on it and things would change but that was bollocks. He's asked me to move in with him but how can I make a big commitment to someone who can physically show me affection? I'm terrified I'm wasting my life with him. He is perfect in all other ways and we are very much best friends and in love. I just can't get him to understand he needs to fucking sort it out. I'm done with being patient. I think I just need help from other women (and men) in making him see that a relationship without sex is utterly destroying to me. Sorry this is all garbled I'm too down to think neatly. Just please help me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 18:56

It was a sudden thing. I remember the exact day everything changed, which was a year and a half ago.

OP posts:

Original poster

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 19:00

I don't care if it is an erectile issue, we are close and loving enough that if I had a reason from him I could respect that. But he hasn't given me a solid reason apart from a contributing factor being my comment which we have talked over and I have apologised for and made him understand he took in the wrong way. If it was erectile I'm mature enough to recognise that as a medical issue and let him sort that out if/when he's ready...

OP posts:

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 19:00

The suddenness is strange. It usually just sort of tapers off. Has he actually said why he's this way? Or has he just said it would improve?

Original poster

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 19:03

No Grays no solid answer, just willingness to improve the situation and work on it once he realised it was effecting me so much. He was upset it was hurting me so much but despite explaining a reason would help me understand, I've never had one. But since he promised things would change nothing has.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 03/04/2015 19:06

So you remember the day.

Was that the day you said he was selfish etc?

Quitelikely · 03/04/2015 19:08

I think it's promising that it happened suddenly...........

Maybe something you said or that happened can be sorted.......where there's a will theres a way.......

Original poster

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 19:10

Yes, we were in bed and he asked me to play with him... I said (in a semi lighthearted manner) 'why do I always have to play with you, don't be selfish! sometimes it would be nice if you reciprocated!' Said in a playful way and flirty. Obviously very misjudged. He walked away and sat in the other room and I was totally confused but went and apologised and said I didn't mean it and he said it was ok and we watched a film. Then didn't have sex for months.

OP posts:

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 19:11

Now thats strange I have to admit.

Original poster

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 19:17

There's obviously other stuff going on in his head and I guess maybe my comment triggered something but it was in January this year (a year after 'the comment') that he explained it had felt like I was judging him and since then anything sexual has given him the fearof being judged. So I feel awful but also so confused because something isn't adding up. We talked it through and I thought it was progress and damage control had been initiated and things could work back to the way they were but nothing has. Am I being too impatient? I would have expected something if not sex.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 03/04/2015 19:29

Wow he's very, very sensitive.

Hmmm I don't know. I think you have been patient.

I suppose you hurt his feelings but now he needs to be getting a hold of himself.

You have to watch what he does not what he says. That will tell you everything you need to know.

I wonder if he feels threatened by your youth

WidowWadman · 03/04/2015 19:31

I've been in a relationship life like that. Eroded my self confidence totally.

WidowWadman · 03/04/2015 19:35

Just saw the bit about your comment. Why do you even feel like you have to apologise?

RabbitsarenotHares · 03/04/2015 19:36

What were his relationships before you like? I wonder if that comment, though not terrible in itself, triggered a memory of something that happened in the past.

Original poster

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 19:50

I apologised because it obviously upset him which wasn't my intention and apologised again when it was brought up because I hated that I'd made him feel like that about sex. He has only had 2 serious relationships other than me, both with women the same age as him and he actually keeps in touch with both on a friendly basis and catches up every few months. This doesn't at all bother me and I encourage it. I think there was a 5 year gap between him breaking up with his ex and meeting me so I know he is used to going a while without sex. (He absolutely does not do one night things he is all about commitment so its girlfriend or nothing)

OP posts:

DCITennison · 03/04/2015 19:53

Could it be he was into it when he thought you had no expectations or needs of your own?
There genuinely are numpties out there who think that it's unreasonable and off-putting for a woman to actually view sex as a means to meeting their own needs (as well as his).
So in the beginning it's all good, you're both caught up in the honeymoon phase but then comes a point where he realises you actually have your own thoughts/opinions/expectations/needs etc and he can't deal with it, it's too much pressure cos he's a selfish arse. And that's at best, at worst he's withholding to train it out of you, get you to just be grateful if he ever deigns to have sex with you.
I mean, if you were to have sex tonight I imagine you'd be extremely unlikely to say anything (even in the most diplomatic of ways) if you got little out of it?

DCITennison · 03/04/2015 19:56

Stop feeling bad about that comment! Please.
You said NOTHING wrong, I promise you. And someone who was just as invested in your pleasure as their own would totally have welcomed the nudge. Maybe have felt a bit embarrassed to realise they'd been a bit selfish but overall glad for the heads up.

Original poster

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 20:01

If we had sex tonight and it was awful I'd still cry with joy if he initiated it. I'm fully aware that that's pathetic but I'm being honest. A previous poster explained going through the 'do I revolt him? Is he gay?' Scenarios and I've been through those sick with fear they are true so to have him initiate ANYTHING sexual would be incredible. Basically I posted this because this afternoon he went and had a nap, I was feeling very much in the need for contact so I went up and lay with him and cuddled and we both sort of dozed, I had my hand resting on his leg near his groin and at one point I thought he moved into it and my heart leap into my throat so I tried to start something but his phone went and he literally leapt straight out of bed to get it and walked away. I honestly don't think he even noticed I was trying to do something.

OP posts:

Jackieharris · 03/04/2015 20:05

You're 24 and you've already wasted a good chunk of the best years of your life in this dead end relationship.

It's time to move on.

scatteroflight · 03/04/2015 20:26

OP you are wasting your time here. Your DP has a low libido. He is obviously content to never have sex. You are not at all on the same wavelength about this and never will be. Just because there was a spate of wild sex at the beginning doesn't mean that this was normal for him. Sex in a new relationship is always full on, but low libido people will lose interest in it after a while.

Stop beating yourself up about it. It's nothing to do with your attractiveness. Low libido people just do not have sex on their minds and they don't see it as a fundamental part of intimacy.

As someone with a low libido please trust me on this. You are going to be driven nuts and you should cut your losses here.

Original poster

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 20:37

If it's low libido maybe I can learn to live with that as he is just such a lovely person. I may not have sold him well on this thread but he is incredible in lots of ways. I feel a fool for being sucked into the idea that sex is a frequent or almost required thing in a relationship but obviously it's not and its normal to be in this situation which makes me feel better. Maybe as a last ditch attempt we can work on a compromise so we have something every so often. I'd hate to cut my losses over sex when everything else works and we are happy.i wish sex wasn't such a 'thing it just makes everyone feel more pressured.

OP posts:

WidowWadman · 03/04/2015 20:39

mistresschalk don't do that to yourself. Don't let him do it to you. I once woke up to the pratt who had a low libido and no intention to do anything about it fucking me in my sleep. And what right did I have to protest, I had been nagging him for sex food so long I should be grateful.

If you're sexually not compatible and there's no compromise or even attempt to understand your situation you're not wrong to leave.

NC4this2015 · 03/04/2015 20:44

I really feel for you OP.
My marriage is hanging by a thread because of the same reasons.
The hurt, the anger (mine) and the rejection are crippling me.
My self esteem and confidence is on the floor.
I've had enough of feeling not good enough, I've had enough of tiptoeing around HIS feelings and needs while ignoring my own and I've Fucking had enough of his excuses and promises of change that either don't last longer than a few days or don't come at all.
I've said it before on another thread but it seriously feels like I'm being punished for something but I don't know what.

We were trying to have a baby up until around 4/5 months ago and I made the decision to stop as I just couldn't go through the motions anymore without any real desire there - it made me feel sick :( Plus, like I explained to him I will NOT bring a baby into a relationship that's not 100% or at least as close to that as possible.

Fenella posted above where I am right now and I couldn't have put it any better myself -
Then you give up. You stop caring. It stops being an issue to you because you let that part of you die. Somehow that's worse, I guess but at least you don't cry yourself to sleep any more :(

I've always known his libido was lower than mine, wasn't a problem I just switched mine to less often - no big deal when you love someone. What I didn't agree to and never would is celibacy, he decided that by himself.
I very recently suggested he go see a sex therapist or counsellor to talk to and see where, if anywhere, we go from there.
He refuses to admit there's an issue and the answer was no. So it seriously looks like we're done. I'm 37 (he's a few years younger) and won't live an enforced sex free life, not for him or anyone. It's not the actual physical act of sex that I want most - it's the closeness, the emotional connection of sharing the one thing that makes the relationship different from that of brother and sister or close friends.

You are so young, too young, to be stuck in a relationship like mine and I hope you can find a way to make yourself happy in all areas of a relationship but I don't think you will find it with him as he's already showing you that it's not a high enough priority to fix.

Original poster

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 20:45

Widow that is terrible I'm so sorry that happened to you I will have to drag it up again which will be hard for both of us but I get so pissed off I and angry I feel like telling him that it's all his fault if I leave him because he won't make the effort to change when he's promised he will. Sometimes I also feel like asking if I can sleep with other people just so I can get that sense of feeling wanted back but I don't actually want that I just want to see how he reacts so he can understand what he's driving me to.

OP posts:

NC4this2015 · 03/04/2015 20:52

Also I meant to add that If I stayed in this relationship the way it is then I'm afraid that I might cheat one day if the opportunity arose. I've distanced myself from a minor opportunity recently as I was worried where it could lead but over time, maybe I would weaken and seriously consider it or even act on impulse and I don't want to be so starved of affection and attention that I do it.

Quitelikely · 03/04/2015 20:53

Show him the thread. He might rip your clothes off............

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