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Original poster

No sex - making him understand what he's doing to me

141 replies

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 18:17

I don't care about outing myself in this. I'm 24, he's 42. Been together 2 1/2 years. Last year we had sex 5 or 6 times, nothing since beginning of November last year. In January I sat him down and explained lack of sex was destroying me. Put on weight, no confidence, no self esteem. I hate myself. But I love him to pieces, he says he loves me and I believe him, but I just can't keep ignoring the fact we don't have sex. He said we would work on it and things would change but that was bollocks. He's asked me to move in with him but how can I make a big commitment to someone who can physically show me affection? I'm terrified I'm wasting my life with him. He is perfect in all other ways and we are very much best friends and in love. I just can't get him to understand he needs to fucking sort it out. I'm done with being patient. I think I just need help from other women (and men) in making him see that a relationship without sex is utterly destroying to me. Sorry this is all garbled I'm too down to think neatly. Just please help me.

OP posts:
Namechangergamechanger · 04/04/2015 18:15

NC for this.
OP I really feel for you. I'm in a similar age gap relationship, I am 27 and boyfriend is 48. Been together about two years. At first sex was amazing, every time we saw each other, all night kinda thing! It's seriously dwindled, now and now only once a week at best, even though he sleeps at mine five nights a week.
I can barely cope on once a week so I am in awe at you for going this long. If I try and instigate anything with bf he'll often say "come on its late" or "you said u were tired..." I want to shout "Im coming onto you which means I want to be f*ed for gods sake, stuff sleep!!!"
Up til recently I wanted so much to live with him, have kids... But then I think the sex is only going to dwindle even further with time/commitment, I don't know if I can do it. Sorry for hijacking your thread op, just wanted to let you know you're not the only one with a 'high' sex drive with an older man who shouldn't be able to keep their hands off you!

Jokerstotheright · 04/04/2015 18:22

When you meet someone who like the pp says can't keep their hands off you, you will wonder why you put up with crap sex for so long and you will never compromise on that again.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/04/2015 18:25

I don't know what he can say, op, to put this right. No sex for 6 months? And just five or six times before that.

Please don't sign up for a life of this.

ImperialBlether · 04/04/2015 18:31

Namechanger, I often think of this sort of thing happening with older men who have affairs with much younger women - I'm sure the sex is good at first but I'm also pretty sure it does dwindle in a lot of cases, leaving the woman wondering what the hell has happened.

(Not suggesting you were in an affair situation there.)

Original poster
MistressChalk · 04/04/2015 18:42

Well I have had incredibly sexual relationships in the past, particularly with my ex to the point where it was almost too much at the time (isn't life cruel?). So I know what lies out there in terms of the hot blooded male, but at the same time I don't want someone who just wants to fuck all the time I want someone who finds me irresistible and desirable and feels the need to be intimate with me. To make this right he would need to get professional help for what is clearly a serious problem for him, further to that we would have to make a compromise between our two libidos (if it IS a libido thing, i will have to get a definite answer on the porn/masturbation thing). I made it clear when we spoke in January that if it cant be worked out I'd leave him but obviously I don't play a very convincing case.

OP posts:
Missqwerty · 04/04/2015 18:43

I don't get how it's made you put on weight? It sounds like it's not you, bit after the initial honeymoon period he's relaxed into his usual sex drive.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/04/2015 19:03

You told him in January. Four months later he's done fuck all.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/04/2015 19:07

How did you meet him btw?

Original poster
MistressChalk · 04/04/2015 19:19

Qwerty, just because you start thinking what's the point in being healthy if no one is there to appreciate it? I do struggle with depression anyway and have BPD so have issues with using food for comfort etc. but i have snapped out of that spiral and lost (some of) the weight and become much, much healthier and fitter. But I do start feeling like I can't go out places because I'm fat, ugly etc. because nobody ever tells me otherwise and not being single i don't get compliments from other men because I'm never in that position!

JohnFarleys we met through mutual friends at a party.

OP posts:
MyDHhasnomemory · 04/04/2015 19:23

OP please end this. You are young and should be having a great time, not being grateful if your DP deigns to have sex with you.

ALaughAMinute · 04/04/2015 20:26

Do you think your bf might have a medical problem? Is he on any medication? Just a thought.

Still think you should get rid of him though as he's a) too old for you (sorry!) b) he's not making an effort to please you, even though he knows you want to be intimate with him.

Just remember that the right man for you will make you feel happy and loved no matter what you look like, although I am sure you are a lovely looking girl even though you don't think you are.

Minus2seventy3 · 04/04/2015 20:43

OP, I've never suggested to anyone on these boards to split, I think MN is far too quick to shout LTB. But think what your future holds with this man. By all means have your heart to heart, maybe have a timescale in your mind for a commitment or sign of improvement, but have an end game, while you're still young and haven't made the ultimate investment in the relationship.
My wife and I have barely been intimate for years, I love her dearly and we have the most beautiful, fantastic daughter. I couldn't live without them. But the price is I live a life with a pale imitation of intimacy; without a sex life. And I can't tell you how lonely that is.

FryOneFatManic · 04/04/2015 21:05

OP and Namechangergamechanger, don't fall into the trap of thinking you have a "high" sex drive. You sound pretty normal to me, but there are still plenty of men around who view a woman having any desires of her own as being "not normal".

ImperialBlether · 04/04/2015 21:19

Minus2, I don't know whether you've been reading the same threads that I have, but I have recommended LTB many times. I can't believe the things women are putting up with.

Original poster
MistressChalk · 04/04/2015 21:20

I'm terrified my future is in front of my eyes and I'm kidding myself that it will be different. He knows something is up with me, he's just told me that he wishes I wasn't so sad and he wants to give me a big cuddle when he sees me to make me feel better. I feel like screaming at him that I don't want fucking cuddles anymore and I'm sad because of him and there's no sugar coating that. If he can see I'm upset why doesn't he realise it's probably him? He must be well aware we haven't been intimate since he promised to make changes. Surely he knows he's done fuck all and that sooner or later I'd feel like this.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/04/2015 21:27

You want someone who desires you?

This is not him.

It's sad to hear of a young woman settling for so little. Have your chat but don't let him talk you into anything. The last year (out of only two and a half?) should tell you everything you need to know about the way your future will look.

Original poster
MistressChalk · 04/04/2015 21:32

I will speak to him tomorrow night if not then on Monday. Will make for a shit end to the weekend but I cannot keep this locked up any longer. I think I sort of wanted confirmation that what I was expecting from a relationship is normal and that I'm not asking for too much. I understand every one is different so if that's the case we probably are better if as friends.

OP posts:
ChowNowBrownCow · 04/04/2015 22:10

In my experience this is a communication problem. There is something he's not telling you. You deserve to at the very least have him tell you what is going on. If he can't be bothered even with that, then you need to believe in yourself that you deserve more than he can give. Sorry if that sounds grim, but having someone put up a brick wall on a subject in a relationship is not acceptable in my book! You don't need a friend, or a brother, you want a partner - can he be a partner who has/wants sex? Ask him.

Jackw · 04/04/2015 22:20

Well maybe a bit of screaming might be needed to get through to him now, though my gut feeling is it's a lost cause. It might be good to start talking straight away as if he needs time to think and respond you'll be back at work and emotional evenings can be so hard when you need to work the next day.

pocketsaviour · 04/04/2015 22:33

he wishes I wasn't so sad

Yeah and we all wish he wasn't such a cunt. Hmm

I fucking hate that. "Oh I wish you weren't sad" - like the reason you're sad is a force of nature, not something he's been fucking doing to you for the last 18 months.

Seriously, kick this wanker into touch. He will not change because he likes you unhappy.

LividofLondinium · 05/04/2015 08:20

I feel like screaming at him that I don't want fucking cuddles anymore and I'm sad because of him and there's no sugar coating that.

What's stopping you?

NC4this2015 · 05/04/2015 10:39

Oh Mistress I can feel the pain coming through you last few posts. In fact many of the feelings you have and the words could be mine :(
I get the weight increase too. I'm guilty of emotional eating too and have previously put on weight because of substituting intimacy for food. Dh knows because I've made it clear that he can't shut my mouth with cakes or chocolate for very long because it doesn't continually make me happy - this problem will keep coming back and will continue being an issue between us.
It's all messed up in a big emotional mess in my case - I see that other men do find me attractive I don't need that validated, I don't think. I just want MY OWN dh to show me that - if that makes sense.

You are NOT asking for too much from a relationship. Please believe that.

Chow this goes beyond a communication problem - you can't force someone into discussing what the actual problem is if they don't want to tell you. No amount of talking, asking, crying or screaming will work i've tried I do agree with this - believe in yourself that you deserve more than he can give and having someone put up a brick wall on a subject in a relationship is not acceptable 100%.

Good luck with your talk Mistress but do be aware he'll likely make more promises to you that he doesn't intend to keep thus keeping you in the relationship that little bit longer. If you say something like - so things have to improve soon or I'm ending the relationship be ready for him telling you that he feels forced to perform, he needs time etc. Just keep in mind his previous failed promises.

AnyFucker · 05/04/2015 10:58

He knows, all right

he just isn't able (or cares enough) to change it

Original poster
MistressChalk · 05/04/2015 11:31

Thing is he's had the time. We've had the 'things have to change NOW or that's it' talk and nothing's changed. So this talk doesn't really have much hope....unless in some miraculous turn of events he tells me exactly what the fuck is going on and makes an appointment with a doctor/therapist/counsellor or whatever.

OP posts:
unnaturalmakeup · 05/04/2015 11:46

Ah yes men with low libidos must either be lazy and selfish or have penis problems
It's not that having a low libido makes someone lazy or selfish or a bad partner. It's the refusing to address the issue that does.