No sex - making him understand what he's doing to me

[MistressChalk]

I don't care about outing myself in this. I'm 24, he's 42. Been together 2 1/2 years. Last year we had sex 5 or 6 times, nothing since beginning of November last year. In January I sat him down and explained lack of sex was destroying me. Put on weight, no confidence, no self esteem. I hate myself. But I love him to pieces, he says he loves me and I believe him, but I just can't keep ignoring the fact we don't have sex. He said we would work on it and things would change but that was bollocks. He's asked me to move in with him but how can I make a big commitment to someone who can physically show me affection? I'm terrified I'm wasting my life with him. He is perfect in all other ways and we are very much best friends and in love. I just can't get him to understand he needs to fucking sort it out. I'm done with being patient. I think I just need help from other women (and men) in making him see that a relationship without sex is utterly destroying to me. Sorry this is all garbled I'm too down to think neatly. Just please help me.

It's not going to happen, it hasn't yet and he's had months/over a year to seek help but he won't because it's not an issue for HIM. What are you waiting for? that day when he wakes up and makes that Doctors appt? This is it, This is the reality.

I wouldn't even bother with counselling as other have suggested, you aren't married, you don't have children, You don't live together. There is a major incompatibility between you, this is why people date - to find out these things before committing, this is why people don't generally rush into marriage - because these things don't rear their heads in the honeymoon phase.
Please don't even consider moving in in the hope it will 'make you closer' and fix things.

Move on you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste your youth trying to fix the problems of a middle aged man - you can't.

Leaving him doesn't feel right at all. But obviously neither does staying in this situation. I feel sick, I've spent the last three days in bed taking tramadol to keep myself happy/asleep/numb. I'm trying to keep myself out of depression but it's obvious I'm already in it. I feel like I couldn't cope with us breaking up at all. He doesn't know I'm in this state and he's busy enough to not notice the fact I'm not communicative. I feel too much resentment to even face him now.

If your relationship is making you numb yourself with strong drugs and he pretends not to notice, surely it's time to call it a day ?

what is there to stay for ?

He hasn't seen me AnyFucker so he won't know. But this is what its driven me to right now. He has a lot of good points and is honestly a very good person. He just doesn't talk and doesn't seem to care how that affects others and particularly me. We all have bad points about us, and he has helped me massively in dealing with mental health issues, although doesn't quite get it when his actions cause them to start up again. I knew I was getting more depressed lately so I knew this issue would eventually chisel its way to the front of my thoughts and stick.

medicating with tramadol is a very worrying point to get to

you couldn't be any worse without him, IMO

are you getting professional help with your MR issues?

relying on a man to help you with them is a mistake

MH *

You are far too young to have to worry about this at your age. I think you should move on and let him worry about his lack of sex drive. If it wasn't important to you then that would be different but it obviously is or else it wouldn't be an issue. Why go on for the next 20 years with this situation. No point whatsoever.

diabetes? does he drink? work stresses? erectile issues? confidence problem?

I'd cut my losses if it were never going to improve. I was in similar situation previously, it's very damaging even when it's nothing wrong with you you worry it is- far less lonely being on your own, actually

Just seen you're on tramadol. Seriously, quit the relationship. I quit a sexless relationship with older man (father of DC) when I was 25 because frankly it was depressing and scary to imagine myself stuck like that forever and he did nothing to remedy the situation, and it gnawed away at me and hurt (plus he was terrible all over, but this one issue really hurt). You're too young to settle for something that makes you reach for tramadol. There's nothing wrong with you. It's hard but if he's not going to address this problem, you'd not be leaving him over this problem alone but his overarching attitude to the relationship and your feelings.

*medicating with tramadol is a very worrying point to get to

you couldn't be any worse without him, IMO

are you getting professional help with your MR issues?

relying on a man to help you with them is a mistake*

Got to agree - this is having a serious affect on your health. A relationship should not do that.
You seem to think he's your cure when he appears to most here to be the cause.

I have just finished CBT for my BPD, and am on anti-depressants. I'm 1000x better now than I was 2 years ago, and I find it very hard finding people that understand mental health issues let alone have the patience to deal with someone who has them.

He's never had a problem with anything and is always understanding, and to be fair I've been fucking horrid to him in the past and done awful things because I was psychotic or depressed. He's never held any of that against me and has never even reacted, he knows it's not me when I behave that way and he just deals with it.

And he is the only person in my life that bothered reading books about BPD and reading up on the medication just so he would understand as best he could. My parents have just swept it under the rug and like to pretend I'm 'normal' and my friends go through enough crap that they don't need to deal with mine too.

In the no sex thing, yes he is selfish and heartless and a complete cunt because I've made it clear it hurts me this much and he hasn't bothered. This thread and you have helped me see that clearly. And I don't want another 20 years of this and then realise I've wasted my life. But I think I owe him one chance to tell me the truth. If he can't do that or can't get help/medication for his problems, I'll have to call it a day.

I've always said to him one thing I do not stand for is people who have a medical issue (physical or mental) and get no help for it and let it affect them and their loved ones. I know he has struggled with depression and anxiety but has never bothered to go to a doctor about it so I've always said I don't want to hear him complain about things unless he's prepared to do something about them. I suspect that his problem re: sex is another thing he keeps repressed and won't ever face and I can't force him to do that. I know that's terribly harsh but right now it's hard to be compassionate about his problems.

If he truly did have a very low to non-existent sex-drive but cared enough about you and your feelings he'd find ways of pleasuring you that didn't have to include PIV.

You made it clear to him what it is that you want and expect in an intimate relationship and he's completely ignored everything you've said. So he's punishing you. Leaping up to answer the phone when you were making overtures proved it. He knows it and you do, too.

He truly isn't the nice guy you think he is. He's mean. Get rid. Being single and in possession of a decent vibrator would be more emotionally rewarding than this totally shitty situation.

*I have just finished CBT for my BPD, and am on anti-depressants. I'm 1000x better now than I was 2 years ago, and I find it very hard finding people that understand mental health issues let alone have the patience to deal with someone who has them.

He's never had a problem with anything and is always understanding, and to be fair I've been fucking horrid to him in the past and done awful things because I was psychotic or depressed. He's never held any of that against me and has never even reacted, he knows it's not me when I behave that way and he just deals with it.

And he is the only person in my life that bothered reading books about BPD and reading up on the medication*

Sorry but he's not that caring and great if you've spent 3 days in bed doped up on tramadol and he's not even aware! It's Easter FFS why is he not with you?

He won't be the only person who is willing to understand mental health issues. It's not a reason to stay in a failing relationship.

Bitter I'm not sure why but the end of that post did make me laugh so thank you! I think my vibrator deserves its own shrine for its performance over the last year! I wonder if I should compromise by taking a collection of sex toys to bed with me and effectively ignoring his presence be interesting to see his reaction!

He'd probably ask if he could borrow them. What I do know is that he wouldn't be prepared to use them on you even if you begged him to. This is the kind of Grade-A scumbag who would be jealous of inanimate objects. Mark my words!

He probably would get jealous and huffy but at least that would give me good grounds to show him why i need them (and give him a good smack round the head with a massive rubbery dildo). He's been away this weekend but gets back tonight, I don't particularly want to see him because I'm so scared for the outcome of this but I have to suck it up and get it over and done with. He wants me to go out for dinner with him and his family which I can't bear when I'm upset (naturally) so it won't be till late i actually see him and then he'll try the whole 'I'm too tired for this now' crap.

I am probably going to be flamed for this, but I am ashamed that so many posters urge the OP to leave a man whom she loves; a man who is her best friend; and someone who has been supportive of her regarding her mental health problems - for the reason of lack of sex. Yes, the OP is young but I do not think it is that easy to find a caring and kind man just because you're 24.

OP, your self-esteem and related things are your responsibility because you are a person in yourself, not anyone's "attachment". In other words you eat healthily because you are convinced it is good for you even on a desert island, not because then someone will compliment you on how you look. Your self-esteem cannot depend on what someone else tells you.

Everyone: no one has yet seen a death certificate on which the cause of death was "lack of sex", so can we stop pretending that it is like air, water or food and a human being cannot exist, or human existence is pointless without it (and I have a normal sex drive, just FI)?

You are 'ashamed'?

You think a very young woman who's been dating a man nearly 20 years her senior should stick with him because he's kind about her deteriorating mental health?

You think a very young woman should just accept that the old man doesn't want to shag her- she is not owed a discussion or an explanation or any kind of love life? She should just nod and smile nicely because he offers 'big cuddles'?

Bloody hell.

You say he was great when you were psychotic or depressed because he didn't react. But to be fair, when he doesn't react to your pleas about your sex life, that trait is not so positive.

Equally, his general tendency not to talk may be useful when you're strung out, but not so helpful when the are issues in your relathonship that need addressing.

I don't think you can assume that lack of desire for sex is a 'medical issue' he's not facing. It could just be a personal choice. One that he refuses to discuss.

With regard to your MH history, there seem to be elements of co-dependency in this relationship. I don't think its a good choice to stay with someone because you fear you might not find someone else who can deal with your issues.

Suffice to say, I think there are other, bigger problems in this relationship than sex.

I think you've massively missed the point Iona to be honest.

This is a man who has purposely withdrawn from having any sexual contact with his partner. It might be different if he was suffering ill-health or something outwith his control. But it isn't that at all. 5 or 6 times last year and zilcho since before Christmas. That's really, really not normal. Or satisfactory. He's been told how important this aspect of their relationship is to her and he's pretended he'll address it. He hasn't.

Still, I'd be wary of telling any woman, regardless of her age, that she should suck it up (ha!) and be prepared to tolerate no sex, no intimacy at all with very possibly decades of more of the same ahead of her.

Iona. No flaming herewell at least from me. But sex I'd like I've previously said an important factor in the op's life. So what is she supposed to do go for years without feeling desired and having sex. Sexual contact is not just a desire it's a basic animal need. Not a want.

of course a relationship can survive without sex if that what both parties are happy with. No rules anywhere that says couples should be shagging 5 times a day, whether it's once a day once a week once a month once a year once a decade is irrelevant providing both parties are happy and it works for them. But op isn't happy, she's still very young. Why should she be made to feel obligated to stay with someone who she is completely sexually mismatched with, counselling could be an option I guess but if there's no chemistry all the couselling in the world won't make it appear.

Twinklestein yes I think in a way I'm hoping it is medical because then I will have a shot in making it work because I will be more understanding and there is a chance of fixing or managing it. To think it's just incompatible sex drives makes it unfair for me to expect him to change because I will be forcing or pressuring him which would completely defeat the point. I want HIM because I love him and I want to experience the physical side of that love.

Similarly Iona, it's not really 'sex' I'm desperate for (although my thread title and op was perhaps a bit blunt' it's an intimate, bonded relationship where I can be as close and connected to my partner as possible. I know that some relationships manage perfectly with little or no sex but that isn't fulfilling to me and I need more.

I do understand were you are coming from about my self-esteem being my responsibility and I've been trying to train my thinking about myself to be more independent. But everyone needs reinforcement from others that is why we are such social creatures and require relationships of any kind. It just so happens that because of my MH I need a bit more reinforcement and encouragement from those around me. Particularly those I hold dear and close to my heart.

Everyone: no one has yet seen a death certificate on which the cause of death was "lack of sex", so can we stop pretending that it is like air, water or food and a human being cannot exist, or human existence is pointless without it (and I have a normal sex drive, just FI)?

Relationships are not about just surviving, no-one was suggesting that she was going to die through lack of sex. She deserves to thrive.
This man is ignoring the problem, taking no interest whatsoever in her needs and punishing her for attempting to discuss it. The relationship is badly broken and the lack of sex is a symptom of the problem.
She's young and has mental health problems. He is not behaving like a loving partner would do. She needs to leave for her own well being.

MC, I agree with you that we are social creatures and need reassurance from others; I came across somewhat blunt, I'm sorry. I guess what I meant was that it should be like the keel of a ship: basically come from ourselves, and then reinforced from outside, not just one other outside source but several. But I can also see how MH can affect this.

lighthouse, I agree, sex is an animal need. I also have an animal need to eat chocolate cake until I burst , but I don't. There are thousands of people with normal sex drives all around the world who live honest celibate lives by choice (for religious or other reasons) because they have placed some principle in their lives above this animal need. They are proof that it is possible to do this. The OP has a partner whom she loves. This could be a similar "principle" in her life, if she so decides. I simply wanted to assert her right to do this, if she so chooses.

MC, for me it is also a question whether you want children and what your partner says/thinks about this?