No sex - making him understand what he's doing to me

[MistressChalk]

I don't care about outing myself in this. I'm 24, he's 42. Been together 2 1/2 years. Last year we had sex 5 or 6 times, nothing since beginning of November last year. In January I sat him down and explained lack of sex was destroying me. Put on weight, no confidence, no self esteem. I hate myself. But I love him to pieces, he says he loves me and I believe him, but I just can't keep ignoring the fact we don't have sex. He said we would work on it and things would change but that was bollocks. He's asked me to move in with him but how can I make a big commitment to someone who can physically show me affection? I'm terrified I'm wasting my life with him. He is perfect in all other ways and we are very much best friends and in love. I just can't get him to understand he needs to fucking sort it out. I'm done with being patient. I think I just need help from other women (and men) in making him see that a relationship without sex is utterly destroying to me. Sorry this is all garbled I'm too down to think neatly. Just please help me.

He knows you want sex and yet he's not doing anything about it! This is not the behavior of a lovely man. If he was a lovely man he would be trying to please you one way or another. My advice would be to get out while you can!

One more thing. Would you like to have children? It's not impossible to have children with a man who won't/doesn't want to have sex but it's not exactly ideal is it?

You deserve better than this!

Look, a partner who is aware that you are miserable but not prepared to address the problem is a partner you should just dump. Get out now, OP, while you don't live with him and are not tied to him in any way. Because right now, his needs are being met, and so as far as he's concerned the relationship is functioning perfectly well. Your needs don't matter.

Staying in a relationship that makes you miserable is a waste of your life. Being single is much better.

He has made you apologise for his selfishness.

He has completely ignored your sexual desires for 18 months.

He made you feel so bad about yourself that you put on a good deal of weight.

You are with a selfish man - selfish because he will not discuss with you what is going on and any mention of it, he 'reminds' you that you were critical, when actually you were reminding him that he was being selfish.

You are 24! Please, please leave this man and find someone who is good to you both emotionally and physically. I think you're young enough that you don't realise quite how much older he is, too. Ask him whether he'd go out with a 60 year old - try it one day. That's the age difference between you two.

Your twenties should be the best decade of your life. You shouldn't spend it begging older men to have sex with you.

Do you think he might be punishing you for your comment?

To NC4:

Can emotional wall (hurt) block the intimacy you want with a person, so you no longer even want to talk to or even touched to (kisses, hugs, etc)

Is it possible that some words that people say might switch you off completely from wanting closeness with them?

Nc'd for this.

I was in an extremely similar situation. Sex was amazing, died down for a few years which I struggled with but coped thanks to 'taking matters into my own hands'. It got a bit better when we tried for babies but since completing our family it barely ever happened again.

But we love each other and have a great life and family.

I had to accept that even though he loved me, his libido was really low. It wasn't about me, my self esteem physically was my responsibility, not his. It also wasn't fair for me to demand sex. But I didn't want to destroy our lives for something that might not even matter in ten years time or whatever.

I'm probably going to get flamed, but I took a lover. No one is in the dark, although it is never ever discussed and I don't know what will happen as the DC get older.

It works for us, it's a dangerous choice to make though, it could have gone very wrong in so many ways.

you're both caught up in the honeymoon phase but then comes a point where he realises you actually have your own thoughts/opinions/expectations/needs etc and he can't deal with it, it's too much pressure cos he's a selfish arse

^^

Totally agree with this - it seems that even two apologies from you (one was enough) are not enough to stop his wounded ego from recovering from the realization that sex is not just about male pleasure.

It might not be intentional - he might just be immature that way - but age 42 he just isn't going to change, it seems. He's showing that by withdrawing all sex 'for fear of being judged' which is ridiculous and a total over-reaction to what two grownups do quite normally and healthily ie talk about what they would like, sexually. It would seem you are not allowed to do this, OP.

I'm sorry but this says a lot about how he sees you. I'd cut my losses and move on. He sounds like someone who would be a good friend, but not a good partner.

Just going from the first post...but I don't think you will be able to make him understand anything.

You've already sat him down and had a talk. He's already promised to work on things and hasn't. I don't know what his issue may be - but if he hasn't made any moves to find out/resolve it, then I wouldn't count on anything changing, and you shouldn't have to beg him to. You have already stated your feelings on the matter. Mine never wanted sex either (and it began in his early 20's!). So I understand how you feel.

As much as you love him you're going to have to decide if you want to give up sex and stay with him (I seriously wouldn't pick this option - at 24 you have plenty of time to find someone who is amazing for you and whom you can also have that intimacy with), or end things.

I'm 30 btw, and ended my 8.5 year marriage 5 months ago. I can't be with someone who won't be intimate with me, but is happy to take care of himself. I don't know if porn is your OH's problem or ED...but either way if he's not willing to address it and make changes (which he should have already done...which is why I think he won't at this point) you will be very unhappy if you stay.

If the relationship is great in every other way, I suggest couples' therapy. Relate are very good and most are experienced in helping couples to discuss issues with sex.

But if there are other issues, or if he refuses to go to couples' therapy, I think you need to end the relationship. This is clearly a big issue for you and if he won't address it or even talk about it, you need to cut your losses. You're still young - don't waste any more time with a man who's making you unhappy.

Has he had a blood test for low testosterone?

If anything in a relationship is 'destroying your confidence and self-esteem' then it's time to abandon a sinking ship.
There's a huge problem. He won't get help. It is what it is.

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN! you are 25, he's much older. You aren't married. you aren't living together and you don't have children, please cut your losses and move on. This is how it will be from now on if you don't.

I've been with my partner for a similar length of time but I'm in my 40s like him. We are still in our honeymoon period and have a lot of sex despite 4 kids and no longer being sexy young things. It is so important to staying connected. All I can say that my sex drive has increased with age. Imagine yourself 20 years down the line. It doesn't look nice does it? Honestly stop this now.

Inexperiencedchick Yes I believe so. I feel like that, a little. I've told Dh I don't want him to slap/pinch my arse anymore - it's all just so pointless and tbh BORING to me. Not to mention the fact he does it public - not for show, I don't think, more for 'safety' :) but he doesn't do it often at home. He tells me he loves me, gives me pecks and will cuddle me but because of how he makes me feel with the rejection of intimacy - I just feel a painful emptiness.

Alternativesolution
I'm glad you've found a solution. It wouldn't work for us though. He has a lot of deep embedded issues surrounding sex outside of a marriage as his Dm cheated when he was a young boy and it's something he's still quite angry about. I suspect that his parents have something of an open relationship too, as does he but he can't handle it. He's also a practising Catholic.
I've thought about it lots over the years and he could have Madonna/Whore complex but I'm not sure. I'll never know as he won't talk to anyone.

See I'm in a different position than OP - I KNOW it's not a libido issue as low libido and wanking daily/most days don't really go together. He won't even admit or discuss that with me (I know it's fact and he knows how I know, not porn related but he does know) That's his choice obviously, it's personal and private to him but when it's about to destroy his marriage - you'd think he'd talk.

Seems like sex is very important to you, o.p, and thAt's no crime. You're a hot blooded young women. But as pp have said. If he's got a low sex drive. There's nothing you can do. You might have to rethink your relationship. And walk away which again is no crime. I'll be perfectly honest I couldn't live in a non sexual relationship.
With a pArtner years ago he showed me no desire sexually. The most we done was kissing. So I went out and cheated and ended the relationship. I felt still feel no guilt at all. He should have treated me properly and made me feel desired.
Good God op. I'm not advocating or recommending that you CheAt but I can see and certainly understand how IT happens

The further details you've given about you calling him on his selfish behaviour, and him basically sulking for the last 18 months, are a massive red flag. God knows why or how you've stuck it out since then. From what you've described, he seems incredibly manipulative and he is punishing you for daring to question his "right" to have you service him sexually.

Do not move in with this man. I know it sounds painful but you need to sack him off. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Don't let this dickhead erode your self-esteem for one single day longer.

I don't think what you said to him was unreasonable, and certainly not an excuse for him to withdraw sex. I'm afraid I have no time for people who know their actions (or inactions) are upsetting their partners yet do nothing to deal with the issue. He won't tell you the real problem. He won't do anything to sort it out. Those are the reasons why I'd end a relationship. Can't abide the type of person that sweeps important issues under the carpet and won't engage. Plus sex is too big an issue to compromise on, it will eat you up in the long term. He makes a lovely friend, but he's not a suitable partner for you.

You're 24 OP, you don't need this nonsense.

If you'd been married for years and had kids then it would be worth trying to salvage. But at your age why not just accept that your libidos are mis-matched and find someone else who suits you better.

I don't know whether he can 'sort it out' or whether he just doesn't want to. If he even let you know what was going on that would be a help, but he doesn't even do that.

Op another voice here saying you are only 24! I think it is hard to know until you are past your prime how much power you have when you are your age.
When I was your age i clung on to a relationship that had many issues that i hoped would disappear (if only id been on mn then!) We ended up unhappily married and divorced. I am now a 37 year old Single mum and is so much harder to meet people. I wish i had realised the value of my youth and used it to find the best possible Person for me instead of settling.
It is def not normal to have not been intimate for so long and i wonder if it might be worth for you to Google "seductive witholder" to see if any of that rings true.

NC He is slapping/pinching your arse in public to show that you are his property. And hes hoping that if you do confide in anyone in RL , that you wont be believed because of this.

I was brought up Catholic (couldnt stand the misogyny so left it as soon as could when i left my parents house)

Wanking is frowned upon and forbidden so i suspect hes only practising the parts of Catholicism that suits his needs.

And you already know that he sees womens needs as unimportant. I also think you are completely correct in saying he has a Madonna/whore complex.

Your comment to him did not come out of thin air. If you feel that your needs were being met and your sex life was balanced, then you would never have said it. He was a selfish lover before and he knew it. You were still getting sex and were happy enough with it, but you clearly wanted more. You should never have had to apologise for your comment because he should never have had a strop about it.

I suspect he has very low confidence and thought he was doing everything perfectly in bed. You shattered his illusions and rather than learning about you and what he needed to do to please you, he's gone off in a sulk and can't be arsed to put any effort into improving the situation.
This is a reflection on his approach to your relationship. He will not put a shred of effort into it for your benefit, he is only interested in meeting his needs.

Look at yourself - you are so desperate for anything sexual from him that you would accept anything from him and know that you must never complain.

Don't move in, move on.

I don't believe this man has a low libido, not when there is a defining moment where the sex ended.

He is still hung up on a slightly insulting comment you made A YEAR AND A HALF ago. Either he's trying to punish you, or his has deep seated issues regarding sex/self esteem/being judged. Either way this is not healthy.

The only two options here are continuing to stick your head in the sand and be miserable in a sexless relationship, or be honest and be prepared to end the relationship. If it's the latter then you need to lay your cards on the table - talk to him completely honestly about the fact that you need to be in a sexual relationship, and you can't understand why things suddenly drastically changed after a stupid comment a long time ago that you've apologised for.

At the age of 24, you shouldn't be stuck in a sexless relationship like this.

He may well be nice outside the bed, but really, you will find there are plenty of men around just as nice, and maybe more so.

That the sex stopped after you commented on his selfishness in bed is very telling. He's trying to control you with the lack of sex.

Why waste your time on this? Sex is important to you, and if you stick with this chap, you'll carry on finding it soul-destroying.

It sounds like it'll be you making all the changes while he does nothing. Dump him.

Helena As dire as it sounds I'm not sure if it's a 'property' thing tbh. He does it quietly, if that makes sense, not for others to see really. It's annoying all the same. I honestly don't care who believes me and who doesn't so he's wasting his time if that's his game :) I used to find it funny, just part of our sexual banter, for fun but now I hate when he does it. If he doesn't want to be intimate with me, through his own choice, then he's got no right nor reason to touch me like that.

Ahh! the catholic thing, I'll never understand how some parts are worthy of practising but others apparently are not but of course, you are spot on with it's the parts that suit HIS needs

OP - I hope you're okay. I apologise for the thread hijack, of sorts but I wanted you to know this and really think about your future with this man. As others have said if he's like this now then there's really little hope for improvement. I planned a future, planned children with my dh and now because of his selfishness and his inability to just tell me the truth, I'm 99.9% sure I have to walk away from him - oh and my dh is a lovely person outside of our sex life too but no amount of his loveliness will fill the emptiness nor ease the hurt that I feel inside.

Also, OP, you have been with this man for two and a half years - you're no longer the pliant, obedient little girl he picked up. He is punishing you for asserting your self, despite the fact that you have every right to do so.
An awful lot of the time, when the man is much older than the woman, it's about him having all the power, and as soon as she grows up enough to resent being precious ickle obedient girlie, he either bins her for a younger model or sets about crushing her.
Bin this man and don't waste any more of your life on him.

NC don't worry at all its made me think very long and hard about everything. A lot of the things everyone is saying are very very true unfortunately, I have to confront him in his lack of commitment in making an effort where one was needed. I'm going to talk to him on Monday and see what he says/does. Last time it took him a few days to be able to explain himself as he couldn't 'find the right words' and didn't want to hurt me by being critical, I did explain that he'd already been hurting me every time I had to lie awake next him thinking what was wrong with me? Thank you all for your help, I'm completely lost and torn over this and can't speak to anyone in RL