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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No sex - making him understand what he's doing to me

141 replies

MistressChalk · 03/04/2015 18:17

I don't care about outing myself in this. I'm 24, he's 42. Been together 2 1/2 years. Last year we had sex 5 or 6 times, nothing since beginning of November last year. In January I sat him down and explained lack of sex was destroying me. Put on weight, no confidence, no self esteem. I hate myself. But I love him to pieces, he says he loves me and I believe him, but I just can't keep ignoring the fact we don't have sex. He said we would work on it and things would change but that was bollocks. He's asked me to move in with him but how can I make a big commitment to someone who can physically show me affection? I'm terrified I'm wasting my life with him. He is perfect in all other ways and we are very much best friends and in love. I just can't get him to understand he needs to fucking sort it out. I'm done with being patient. I think I just need help from other women (and men) in making him see that a relationship without sex is utterly destroying to me. Sorry this is all garbled I'm too down to think neatly. Just please help me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MistressChalk · 05/04/2015 18:24

Iona I'm happy to hear from both sides of the coin which is why I posted a thread so don't worry.

Everyone has given me very good advice which I really need right now as I have a very big decision to make in front of me and need a bit of help in thinking it through. I'm very, very grateful to you all.

Yes I do want children....and I think he does too. We do joke about having kids and think of baby names etc. but I always feel so sad because I have no idea how that would ever happen!! And to be honest, kids is a big deal breaker for me. I adore children and I'm always with relatives/friends children and love every second of being around kids.

So perhaps it is sex for a reproductive purpose I'm panicking about too. I think if he's asked me to commit as far as living together, he needs to do me the courtesy of affirming whether children are on the cards or not. Then even if he does cAn I believe that...

OP posts:

IonaNE · 05/04/2015 18:35

Thanks, MC :)
I totally agree with you re. the issue of children, i.e. if it is a dealbreaker for you, then he needs to come clean on 1. does he want them, too; and 2. does he realise sex is necessary for this? ; (3. and is he willing to provide it, or does he think IVF or that you'll "forget about it with time"...?). I would definitely insist he come clear about this before you move in with him. Once you are living with him, you will be more dependent on him (by the nature of the arrangement) and it will be much more difficult to extricate yourself from the relationship, should you decided to do so later.

IonaNE · 05/04/2015 18:35

decide

NC4this2015 · 05/04/2015 18:51

I'm not going to flame you either Iona but I also think you've missed the point.
Yes, primarily self esteem issues are ones own to sort out but by being in a relationship with a person who is showing you the exact cruel opposite of what you did or still do believe and feel about yourself is so so destructive. Confidence goes, self doubt creeps in and stays put while your own self worth gets increasingly lower to ground level. It gets harder to fight against.

Sex isn't just an animal need it runs much deeper than that. It connects two people on an emotional level, it provides comfort and reassurance on a deeper level than any words could. It's a big part of what keeps a couple being a couple. Chemicals and endorphins are released by both sexual parties that promote security and attachment among other things to strengthen the bonds.
For me it's not about the physical act so much.

WidowWadman · 05/04/2015 18:52

Iona you're missing the point. The OP's partner ignores her wishes and desires to the point that her self esteem has taken a serious hit. He has manipulated her into feeling guilty about even raising with him that their sex was less mutual and more of a satisfying his needs without looking after her own. That's controlling and abusing, not the behaviour of a loving equal partner.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 05/04/2015 19:02

You didn't want to simply assert her right to ...er celibacy Iona. You said you were 'ashamed' that op had been advised to leave a man who for nearly half their short relationship has ignored her sexual needs entirely.
Why 'ashamed' I wonder.

Original poster

MistressChalk · 05/04/2015 19:12

Off to see him now. I'm so worked up over this I'm shaking, I will update on how it goes but probably only so I can leech more kind words and advice from you all when it goes tits up! Ironically the worst thing he could do right now would be anything sexual because that would be such an obvious calming measure... Thank you all again x

OP posts:

NC4this2015 · 05/04/2015 19:23

Try to calm down Mistress
I agree with your last sentence.
Good luck, however it goes x

Gralick · 05/04/2015 19:41

It keeps coming back to this for me. MistressChalk asked for some consideration in bed, pointing out that she was doing all the "doing". She asked this in a perfect way - light, good-humoured and in the moment. He sulked and has been sulking ever since.

I was horrified my comment had hurt him so much and explained he had taken it completely the wrong way but I'm now thinking one comment shouldn't shut him down completely and there are other issues

If this comment was so hurtful, he should have considerately explained the hurt. Turns out he doesn't considerately explain much at all and his support with his girlfriend's distressing mental health blips consisted mainly of ignoring them. He doesn't sound massively concerned with her at all as a person, just good at blocking out anything bothersome.

MistressChalk, I think you deserve better. I hope this evening brought you some answers.

NC4this2015 · 06/04/2015 18:40

Hope you're okay today Mistress

Original poster

MistressChalk · 06/04/2015 22:52

It's been a long two days! Sorry for late update. He said he knew he hadn't tried hard enough and he's promised too, but he said every time he has tried its felt too pressuring and extreme and it starts making him really anxious and panicky so he gets too scared to make a move. He says he's let it become this awful big thing in his head that he has to battle with and the whole idea of sex has become embarrassing and scary to talk about let alone act on. I did feel for him he looked genuinely in mental turmoil. He said he is getting urges more often and trying to encourage them when he's alone but isnt masturbating because he wants to focus on the urges rather than get rid of them. So that sounds quite positive.
I had the chance to explain exactly why I need this from him and he said he understands that better now and will be more open, not just about his problems and feelings but will make more effort to hear and understand mine.
I do believe him when he said he has put up a mental block on sex which makes him panic because he was such a nervous wreck when I spoke to him. He's also said he's going to the doctor on Thursday about the anxiety.
So long story short I have given him a bit more time to (in his own words!) 'get his priorities straight' , see a doctor and see where we go from there. But I've said we are talking a month and no more. And he didn't try anything yesterday or today either which I did appreciate because it would have seemed fake and its good he respected that.
I know it may seem weak of me but I really felt he needed one last chance and he seemed very honest and genuine and I had my answer, and it doesn't seem the sort of answer most men would be happy to divulge either. Let's hope it works....
Thank you all so much for your advice and help this weekend, I really needed some helping hands through this and I know I wouldn't have coped with the situation so calmly and thoughtfully without it xxx

OP posts:

Gralick · 06/04/2015 23:18

It sounds as though you coped admirably. Good work! I'm glad you've set a tolerable timeframe, too, so you will have something to go on instead of more avoidance. Fingers crossed.

LividofLondinium · 07/04/2015 12:10

Glad you managed to have a good chat about it Mistress. When you gave him a month to "get his priorities straight", what exactly do you want to have achieved in that month? I think it's vital to have clear goals and consequences in mind (that he knows too) so that if he's failed to deliver his promises you can tell him "we agreed that XYZ would happen by this date but it hasn't. As I said, if XYZ didn't happen the consequences would be ABC, so that's what's happening". Otherwise what are your boundaries.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2015 12:39

Good luck

I can't ever imagine having to literally manoeuvre my husband into having sex with me.

I hope this is the very LAST last chance you give him.

AerialGymnastics · 07/04/2015 13:18

This solution is controversial... and certainly doesn't work for everyone or should even be suggested to all and to some is very distasteful. but I mention it because it did work for me...

I had a dp where we stopped having sex. He was going through some stuff (complex family) and it ruined his libido. I was patient and made sure I didn't put pressure though had to have a fair bit of personal time haha. However once things were sorted the libido didn't come back... and he still didn't want to have sex. We sat down and talked about it and he said he just didn't want to have sex anymore. It didn't appeal to him. I was hurt but I still loved him. About 6 months later I said to him that it was ok and i still loved him and I respected his decision not to have sex, but I needed it and could we explore safe and respectful multiple monogamy. He was surprised and shocked... but he loved me and we agreed to look into it. Between us we found another man we both trusted to be the physical component in my life and it worked out very well.

The relationships both ended after about 3 years... With my partner for other reasons and with the "physical buddy" because neither of us wanted a full time relationship once I was not with ex.

I don't know if I'd do it again... depends on the situation and the man.

Judge if you will... but horses for courses and my relationship was built on honesty and respect. There were no secrets at any points and ex and physical buddy were good pals.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2015 13:37

better that than op continuing to live in her current misery

good for you, aerial

it wouldn't be for me though....I would move on from the whole situation

no man has enough worth to me that I would 1) compromise my own values or 2) live in unhappy celibacy

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