It can happen to anyone? Abusive relationships

[LadyBlaBlah]

I hear this a lot on here and elsewhere and I understand the reason why we say this.

However I think it needs clarification as it totally disempowers women.

"It can happen to anyone who is ill informed about abusive relationships."

For many varied reasons, I think there are many women who do not even realise what abuse looks like/believe it is part of relationships/don't understand their self-esteem has been destroyed and so are sitting ducks for abusive men.

I had a long abusive relationship and only after 14 years did I put the label abusive on it even though there had been physical violence! And now, the thought that could happen to me again ("it can happen to anyone") is just ludicrous, there is no way this could happen again. I would recognise the signs and walk away.

This is not meant to victim blame but I just don't like the inference that this can happen to anyone and so we women cannot protect ourselves - I am absolutely 100% that this will not happen to me again - someone may try some one-off abuse but I will not be in a long term abusive relationship ever again.

Nope. Bollocks.

Totally disagree with you.

Whilst IN an abusive relationship I became v v v well informed about abusive relationships and still took 2 years to leave.

I had been hit by a bloke in one relationship, yet I still managed somehow to get myself involved with DD father which for 5 years was an abusive relationship plus I had been beaten as a child. The quote " It can happen to anyone" I would take to quite literally mean just that, male or female

By the time I realised that I was in an abusive relationship with DD father I was too scared to leave

No that's victim blaming bollocks.

Some of the strongest, most well-educated, informed and self aware women I know have ended up in abusive relationships. As have I and I am also all of those things.

I'm glad you've escaped your abusive relationship but you're totally off the mark with your comments above.

I don't agree...my mother was in a very abusive relationship, extremely violent.managed to leave him and walked back in to another two different, but still abusive relationships. I also went from one, knew that it was abusive and promptly walked into another.

I would say I am very informed on the signs of abuse.

it still took me a year to leave too when I realised. I get that.

The point is we are not educated about what they are, how to get out and not get involved in the first place.

It seems only after having been through it, people actually understand which I think is wrong and should be changed through education. There is still a void of knowledge alongside a vat of dangerous cultural messages that prevent women from unwittingly stepping into abusive relationships.

Unless you do the work to remove your vulnerability, you WILL be at risk of being a victim.

Time and time again.

Tbh, even AFTER you spend the hundreds on therapy, do the freedom programme, you'll still feel drawn to certain types.

It takes on average 2 years for an abuser to show themselves. The sooner they do, the more potentially dangerous/lethal they are.

It takes about the same amount of time to get out of an abusive relationship, unless their behaviour goes somewhere to force you to do something drastic, like flee to a refuge. But in your head it may take that amount of time to leave emotionally. Depends. That's not a scientific observation btw, that was the result of conversations at the free dv groups I attended.

Some say that it takes the same amount of time to recover from an abusive relationship as the amount of time you were in it.

This is right and wrong. Without realising why you fell into it in the first place (through therapy, no other way to do this) you won't ever recover, and won't be free of the risk of abuse.

We are abused because we are conditioned. Often that conditioning to believe that we werent worth kindness, love, acceptance starts in childhood. We are taught that we are not entitled to boundaries, that our role is to feel inferior and do what is expected of us.

Which is why often our parents/family want us to stay in our abusive relationships. It either fulfils their need to see us suffer, or to make their lives look better.

If you're abused, understand that it's not your fault, you didn't choose to be, and that you don't deserve it. The prole who abuse are damaged, toxic, and broken people. Those that support them are too. NC is the best option for all of them tbh.

Focus on yourself, your children and healing. Do whatever it takes to give yourself the best chance possible of a normal life.

We are entitled to be victims, we need the empathy, sympathy, compassion and kindness that a victim deserved. That needs to come from within. Easier said than done, but that's the goal we aim for.

Anyone can meet an abusive man and in the first stages can be unwittingly taken in by them

But I really don't think it is good for women to say that we can't do anything about it at that point.

And yes, I agree it's not just about recognising the signs of abuse - as I said in the OP, it is also recognising the devastating effect they have on your self worth and your propensity to step into another.

And even saying that, it is still not helpful or empowering (i do hate that word but it is relevant here) for women to believe they have to be helpless victims and there is nothing they can do about it.

Oh yes and understand that the least amount of time children spend with abusers or toxic family, the better.

So don't push children to have access to an abusive parent. Make the fucker work and pay for it. Chances are they will only do so to get at you anyway, hurt them to hurt you.

You and the dc are better off alone than with abusive/toxic people.

But the thing is, most abusive men don't start off being abusive twats on the first date. It takes a while for most of them to show their true colours. And by that time you're emotionally and perhaps financially invested as well and it's much harder to leave. My ex for example didn't become abusive until I was pregnant and on maternity leave. By which pont I was physically, emotionally and financially vulnerable. So I stayed because I thought at the time that my other options were worse.

I do take your point that women should be taught to recognise early red flags. It's a cultural problem in some ways because the media often portrays stalky, obsessive behaviour that oversteps boundaries as romantic.

But I still don't think women have themselves to blame for getting into abusive relationships.

But the nature of abuse is insidious.

I recently went on 2 dates with a guy I met on OLD. Liked him, etc etc, then mid-arranging a third he texted me something mildly off/odd/weird and I thought nope and never contacted him again. My "I can't do this again" fear kicked in.

But, I don't think it is so much educating women to "sppt abusers" as sorting out the twats who abuse in the first place... but then how to do that. I have no idea.

I realise this is sounding a bit "why don't you just leave him"

It is not meant to be like that. At all.

However, what I have learned is that you can shift from a position of being vulnerable to abusive relationships (I have been through the process Hissy has described) to a position where you are not vulnerable to them. And the phrase 'it can happen to anyone' no longer seems helpful as it tells me I am still vulnerable and I know I am not.

I know this is a bold claim, but I think I can spot an abuser on the first date - there are always little leaks.

They are not as clever as they think and we give them too much credit. I generally find them to be transparent and arrogant enough to rely on our ignorance.

But, I don't think it is so much educating women to "sppt abusers" as sorting out the twats who abuse in the first place... but then how to do that. I have no idea.

Yes the message is still 'don't get into an abusive relationship' rather than 'don't abuse your partner'.

Abusive men know who to target. They can sense vulnerability. I agree some women need the education around it, to break the cycle

On fb there was some info from a programme they used at schools in Kenya to inform young boys to prevent them becoming rapists. Rape apparently a huge problem there. That programme was much more effective at reducing the numbers of rapes than programmes aimed at girls (self defense, assertiveness and such). Made me hopeful that with education potential abusers can wisen up to the effects of their behaviour and choose a different path.

I knew the red flags, he revealed them pretty early on. He bullies pretty much everyone else, why would I be different?

I have been informing myself. I am much better educated than him and in other ways (financial for example) there isn't such a power inbalance. At the moment I choose to stay. I have my reasons . The one friend who knows thinks I'm mad. But despite everything I am very fond of him.

I won't move in with him though.

Something like that sounds like where efforts need to be focused turbonerd.

The difference between women who come across abusers and those that get sucked in and abused by them is self worth and boundaries

Instinct plays a part too.

If things seem too good to be true, they probably are. Slow and steady, no, jealousy ISNT a good thing, needing to know where you are, all the time isn't endearing.

But if you've never seen a healthy relationship, understanding what one looks like is impossible.

I know now ALL the individual points where I should have told my ex to ftfo. Instead I spent 10 years with the mofo and am 5 years free.

I've just had a whirlwind relationship which hurt me more than any other I've known, because I ignored my boundaries because I thought I knew this guy was a male version of me. Turns out he wasn't. I'd never be that vicious.

We need to think. All the time. And protect ourselves and our children.

I agree men should stop the abuse but in the meantime, women can share their knowledge and start walking away from these men. Every one who leaves an abusive man counts towards a new cultural message.

Triestine - as per Hissy - have you worked out why your self worth is at a level why you think it's acceptable to be bullied /abused in a relationship?

"But if you've never seen a healthy relationship, understanding what one looks like is impossible."

Very true- I've been in a couple controlling relationships where I had no idea that some of their behaviour wasn't part of being in a relationship (ie you sacrificed your independence, they were able to veto your social life or ask who was calling you)

The one time I deliberately chose a non-controlling, non-jealous, totally independent man- it was a disaster- I couldn't cope with someone who didn't seem to care what I was doing, who I was calling- he was so far in the opposite direction that I couldn't tell if he cared or not

Op, you are at the Superhuman phase.

That doesn't last.

You think you can spot abusers on first dates? No love, that's your fear ruling people out without a second thought.

The place you are aiming for is to be able to recognise behaviour you find unacceptable (and it's not always abuse) and allow yourself to find it unacceptable and walk away.

I used to be on permanent alert for abusers because I didn't believe that I could handle them.

My therapist said "just because you find something unacceptable or unusual doesnt mean it's abuse, it means it's unacceptable to you, and that's ok, you don't have to accept it"

Triestine - as per Hissy - have you worked out why your self worth is at a level why you think it's acceptable to be bullied /abused in a relationship?

I am trying to stand up to him. At the beginning I was so worried I'd upset him (I hate conflict), I'd be running round there trying to sort it out. I genuinely had no idea why he was so angry and upset with me. When I do stand up to him, he does behave better.

I suppose I think I could change him (fatal mistake). He has been surrounded by nasty people all his life and I gave him a lot of leeway due to our different backgrounds (culture and language)

I think the "it can happen to anyone" just means that anyone can find themselves in that situation, rich or poor, highly educated or not.

As it often comes on so slowly people have really strong ties (marriage, children, financial dependence) before they realise what is wrong and that makes it incredibly hard to just get out.