It can happen to anyone? Abusive relationships

[LadyBlaBlah]

I hear this a lot on here and elsewhere and I understand the reason why we say this.

However I think it needs clarification as it totally disempowers women.

"It can happen to anyone who is ill informed about abusive relationships."

For many varied reasons, I think there are many women who do not even realise what abuse looks like/believe it is part of relationships/don't understand their self-esteem has been destroyed and so are sitting ducks for abusive men.

I had a long abusive relationship and only after 14 years did I put the label abusive on it even though there had been physical violence! And now, the thought that could happen to me again ("it can happen to anyone") is just ludicrous, there is no way this could happen again. I would recognise the signs and walk away.

This is not meant to victim blame but I just don't like the inference that this can happen to anyone and so we women cannot protect ourselves - I am absolutely 100% that this will not happen to me again - someone may try some one-off abuse but I will not be in a long term abusive relationship ever again.

Wise words, Lweji.

somebody who could give me a hug every now and then, wouldn't tell me I am rubbish and would occasionally say "I'll cook dinner tonight" or offer a cup of tea. Is that too much to ask?

It's not enough to ask. You need that person to be supportively engaged with you and your life, to understand you and find you delightful (and vice versa, of course!)

Somebody on here told me I deserve to be loved as fully as I have loved. It's true - but I'll add the rider "without all the unconscious fuck-ups I brought with it"

It's not enough to ask. You need that person to be supportively engaged with you and your life, to understand you and find you delightful (and vice versa, of course!)

lovely idea, such a shame I'm not the person that it could ever happen to.

hissy I went through some horrendous times when I was with my H and really hoped he would support me, hold me when I was crying, all the things one would expect from a "partner" he did none of those. It was soul destroying. He would rather walk off and do something else than give me a hug when I was upset and crying. Arsehole

I would have loved a little bit of tenderness then too, back then.

The only thing it has taught me (and is clear from your post on it too, even if you didn't see it at the time) is that I really am strong, when it matters, when it comes down to it, I don't "need" it. I wanted it, like you did too. But we both got through it.

Horrible thing for you to have to go through alone though

Steve sounds familiar. Mine would complain I was disturbing him and make me shut up.

When Ds was in hospital, I had fm swooping in uninvited, on her terms, even though it was only convenient to her, and not to me OR ds and then telling me she was going to come to my house and "help" when the previous time she'd been there, she and her h had terrorised us to the point I had to call the police to make them leave.

ds dad had a go at me for the phone going to voicemail because he's calling from overseas... Yeah and I'm in a hospital wth shiploads of metal and building around me, crap reception... Totally my fault.

My df didn't call after ds second op, because driving "all that way to see us" had strained his shoulder and it was painful. Hmm... My ds would have swapped his burns and 2 ops for a strained shoulder

Dsis didn't call after the op because seeing him in a wheelchair caused Her mental anguish.

Seeing your ds skin hanging off, 3 ambulances, 2 ops and 10 days in a specialist burns unit, oh yes A wheelchair was shocking tbf, but yeah.. I feel sorry for those members of my family that suffered as a result of ds accident...

Thank god for normal friends to tell me that none of the above was normal!

Someone by my side would have helped somehow. That's the reason I started looking online again. Yeah I must be mad, but life is too short to have shit memories.

Dm not fm

I once rocked ds asleep from 1am till 7am, not sitting down once while his dad slept.

When the ex came back from work, I was practically on the floor with fatigue. He practically stepped over me and went for a nap.

I believe I sobbed. I'll never forget it.

I agree we (nearly) all need people in our lives: friends and (non-toxic) family etc. But we don't necessarily need to have a romantic/sexual long-term partner to be happy.
I have been single for a good long time (about 15 years, thinking about it) which is fine by me. I have plenty of friends, get on well with my mum and have a perfectly amicable co-parent relationship with my DS' dad. I have not been in a seriously abusive relationship (one or two arseholes over the years, one fairly classic dominating bully when I was about 21 but it was short-lived), I have had several nice relationships with nice men, but I'm just not into couplehood. Not everyone is, and that's OK. It doesn't mean youo're 'broken' if you want to stay away from men for the time being, or stay away from an intimate relationship with a man for the rest of your life. It just means you don't want an intimate relationship with a man.

I think that sometimes people's needs change. Sometimes they want to be in a relationship, sometimes they actively want to be single.

But therés so much conditioning goes on that you have to be in a relationship that it's hard to know and trust in what you actually want for yourself sometimes. If you're single it's a pain in the bloody arse how many people try to make a move on you (men) or start saying "oh is there anyone nice on the horizon" (women). Also if you're single, an appreciable number of women will walk very stiff legged around you. A real shame.

"I once rocked ds asleep from 1am till 7am, not sitting down once while his dad slept.

When the ex came back from work, I was practically on the floor with fatigue. He practically stepped over me and went for a nap."

The frightening thing is there are plenty of "non abusive men" out there doing this sort of thing. I have known a few let their partners do all the night wake ups "because they are tired and have to work the next day" or take them selves off for a nap. If these ordinary, laid back so call Mr nice guys can do this and not think they are doing anything wrong.....what hope is there for anyone

One thing I really strongly agree with is the OP's idea that people be taught what to look for in an abusive relationship (of any kind). Or conversely, what to look for in a good relationship - honesty, treating each other with respect etc. Also learning how to trust that sense of uneasiness when someone wrongfoots you repeatedly in small ways you can't pin down.

coparenter

The " " are well placed, as some "normal" guys are actually abusive.
There is a difference, though, between "abusive partners" and partners that show "abusive behaviour". Virtually all of us will display some form of abusive behaviour at some point. The difference should be that when called on it, non abusive partners will take stock, recognise they are wrong and change the pattern (at least to an acceptable minimum). Abusive partners will instead blame the other partner, keep finding excuses, continue the abusive behaviour in different ways and so on.

Meerka, the only thing I disagree with the OP is the idea that our actions may prevent us from ever (again) entering an abusive relationship.

Given our experience and knowledge, we may leave one earlier than otherwise, but I don't think we can ever be safe from finding ourselves in one.

Agreed there!

Some people are subtle and slow about developing their crushing iron grip on your life. I really think that one of the best things any dependent partner can do is have a small fund set aside from the beginning in their own name that is their leaving fund. Never to be touched except for that one reason. Mine is around 3k so I'm lucky, but I'd have to move country with it.

Breaking free of the control on your mind is the hardest thing to get away from but having the practical resources to manage helps.

Agree with Ladyblablah
"Anyone can meet an abusive man and in the first stages can be unwittingly taken in by them" I thought stuff like this happened only to women in magazines until few years ago I unwittingly found myself in an extremely controlling relationship. I was getting over someone else, not feeling confident and in the beginning it worked as I needed him and he showered attention and advice. As I grew more confident the real person appeared and gradually he separated me from my friends, my parents and isolated me. Treating me like a doll, acting perfect in public and yelling and screaming at me in private. He checked my phone, had all my passwords to email, fb, deleted all male friends etc I became like a shadow of myself, terrified to speak to anyone because it made it worse later, easier to stop using fb and lose contact with people. He kept saying you can work but you don't need to we have everything but in reality he couldn't control who I spoke to if I was at work.
Anyway no one believed me, he had important job, extremely charismatic and as I said in public appeared perfect, so when I tried to discuss with anyone they looked at me like I couldn't be talking about same person.
I tried to leave but he always talked me round or threatened to hurt himself if I left as he'd be heartbroken. Anyway after 6 months my best friend (thankfully hadn't given up on my wooden messages) arrived one day whilst he was at work, packed me a bag and made me leave with her. Now I'm a world away, confident, successful, independent, was just a 6 month horrible situation.
Now I see I was controlled by an intelligent man who could justify anything so it seemed logical! I had my confidence removed so I couldn't make a decision myself to leave.
I used to read those articles and think, why don't they just leave? Until you find yourself in that situation is easy to pass quick judgement.