It can happen to anyone? Abusive relationships

[LadyBlaBlah]

I hear this a lot on here and elsewhere and I understand the reason why we say this.

However I think it needs clarification as it totally disempowers women.

"It can happen to anyone who is ill informed about abusive relationships."

For many varied reasons, I think there are many women who do not even realise what abuse looks like/believe it is part of relationships/don't understand their self-esteem has been destroyed and so are sitting ducks for abusive men.

I had a long abusive relationship and only after 14 years did I put the label abusive on it even though there had been physical violence! And now, the thought that could happen to me again ("it can happen to anyone") is just ludicrous, there is no way this could happen again. I would recognise the signs and walk away.

This is not meant to victim blame but I just don't like the inference that this can happen to anyone and so we women cannot protect ourselves - I am absolutely 100% that this will not happen to me again - someone may try some one-off abuse but I will not be in a long term abusive relationship ever again.

I picked the calmest, mildest man I had ever come across. Very highly educated (I know that's not relevant, but it added to his cultured, enlightened atmosphere). The abuse began gradually and escalated over time.

No more men for me. Literally don't think it's worth bothering. If my ex can turn out to be abusive then anyone can.

I'm definitely sworn off romantic relationships for now, like some of the other posters here, gralick articulated it for me perfectly.

My ability to spot red flags was non existent, this is probably why I ended up in two abusive marriages.

Comforting, I find myself feeling sad for you that you won't even entertain friendships either.

Oldfox, some tips on how to start learning how to tune up that radar would be much appreciated.

Another one with a transition relationship.

I really felt the need to have another relationship then, but since it ended, not so much.

I don't discount entering another relationship at some point, but it would have to be with someone really worth it.

Maybe I do need friends but I just can't do that. I was unwanted as a child and always abused as an adult. Being alone is safest.

for you comforting that was heartbreaking to read, so sorry and I can truly empathise with you on the being an unwanted child front though its horrible isn't it but please don't let that mean you are isolated and lonely because of the fear of being hurt/abused again.

If you are a horrible person with nothing going for you then having friends is not an option. I've never had a friend.

Omg, ((( Cwtch )))

No. They never hit me. Lucky for me eh?

I'm sorry, Cwtch, I meant 'punchbag' in a general sense, not only physical. I wasn't intending to give the impression I one sort of violence is worse than another. Psychological & emotional wounds tend to last even longer.

Yes. Thanks.

I agree with the tester relationship. I had a relationship with a man who was courteous and respectful and thoughtful. I didn't feel any real passion but I really enjoyed catching up with him once a week. It never really moved beyond that. Early on, I panicked and almost ended it and his reaction was crucial at that point, if ihe'd made me feel even a tiny bit bad for having doubts I would have walked away but he said 'sure we're only getting to know each other'. He made me feel that anything could happen and that that anything could be good or it could fizzle out but either way I knew he wouldn't be angry with me. There was one incident when his car got clamped because I gave him misinformation. I was ready for a mood or a sulk but it didn't come. He said 'ah sure I didn't know where I was going either''. I'm glad I went out with him even we weren't love's young dream because it got me used to being treated with respect. I don't think he loved me but his default was to be nice to people. It was four and a half years before I found my "tester" relationship!

I also read a few really good books about self-esteem, I read mumsnet. The light house blog (i can link, very good), I had 8 sessions of psychotherapy.

Then, I met somebody last year, I was crazy about him. He made me feel so interesting, I felt like I'd known him forever but it was all new and exciting blah blah blah but those feelings scared me. I was brave enough to risk it. It didn't work out. I ended it because of his low self-esteem. He was a nice man but he started to tell me what I was thinking and react in a kind of martyred or indignant way in reaction to how how he believed I was thinking. I didn't think I could fix that. I didn't want to fix it! I wanted to go back to being single! so I did.

Now, I don't know, I'm in the same boat as anybody else who's single. No idea if I'll ever meet somebody but I aint doing it for the sake of it that's for sure.

ps also I think I recognise a drama - bait when I hear it now.

There's a man I work with and he "teases" me about being a feminist. I see it now for the crap it is. He wants to temporarily inflate his ego by winding me up, but it's all lighthearted riiiiiight?! no. He's quite misogynist. (I know that because of his lack of sympathy wrt another member of staff's predicament). The old me would have tried to set him straight, change his views. Luckily now I just leave him to his asshole views. I smile and chat though.

I think before I put myself on trial the whole time. I defended and justified my decisions all the time, and assholes and drama baiters got what they were looking for from me. People with a healthy self-esteem don't want to leech their energy from other people by causing a drama or by causing upset.

Well, that's the type of dynamic I have to avoid. I even managed (after leaving my x) to get sucked in to the exact same dynamic with a toxic narcissist on line (on a smaller board than this). It took me a while to see that I had left my x's endless criticisms and judgements only to put myself back on trial arguing with that toxic drama baiter.

hope some of that (kinnd of rambling) helps a bit........

This is a great thread to read OP and I don't really agree with you but I am not defensive about being a victim of two abusive relationships either.

I was young and trusting like MrsPav from a kind family and couldn't imagine that my lovely BF at 19 would be so unkind to me. Then after we split up and I met XH he was much nicer on the surface, a sneaky cold abuser I spent 27 years with (being religiously inclined to stick at marriage whatever happened).

Now after lots of counselling and reflection and MN wisdom I am divorced, have spent time single, time OLD and weeding out the Losers, and now I am in the loveliest relationship I could imagine. If I felt I would be better off single again I would embrace it because it was a lovely time for me. Instead I am learning at last what a genuinely good partnership feels like and teaching my DC the same.

But I am a strong clever and opinionated woman, and I would still say I am at risk due to my weak boundaries, wanting to make people feel better and be loved

Such an interesting thread. Bit of a light bulb moment for me reading this. It had never occurred to me that seeing only good, equal, loving relationships had left me with no model of what would or should have seemed initially unacceptable.

Thinking about it now, all those comments and actions that literally stopped me in my tracks and made me think wtf were just totally perplexing to me. Here was this man who had given up so much to be with me, apparently adored me, behaving so horribly. I just didn't have the life experience and framework to deal with it, then.

I'm many years down the line and believe my red flag spotter is pretty well adjusted. However, as well as we think we understand ourselves and can "see" others, we can never truly know another person completely, so must always accept risk and disappointment if we open up to others.

I have a close friend a couple of years out of an ea marriage. She's strong, independent, articulate, well-educated. However, the guy she's been seeing for a few months is, in my opinion, starting to display worrying signs. What do you do? It's only my opinion, they're only red flags to me, perhaps. I don't want to see her go down the same road again, but what can I say or do ?

People with a healthy self-esteem don't want to leech their energy from other people by causing a drama or by causing upset.

And there lies the problem with a lot of people who have been abused, they have a low self esteem and do, inadvertently, leech their energy from other people because there is drama and upset.

I too can't imagine those I love could be mean to me.

But a lot of that is to do with the fact that actually my parents WERE mean, so i didn't even know mean WAS mean, it was just the way I was treated.

nicenewdusters have a conversation with your friend. It may not make her do anything immediately, but she'll hear it on some level, and she'll know you're doing it from a position of concern.

I do think it's worth remembering that being single is nice. There is, again, a great deal of cultural pressure on women to fear being single and try to keep A Man In Their Lives at all costs. This is because, actually, it's men who need A Woman In Their Lives (for domestic service, ego-boosting, emotional support as much as for sex) and because the way society has been structured, heterosexual relationships benefit men much more than women, so women have to be conned convinced that there is nothing more important than catching, pleasing and keeping a male partner.
So any woman who has been abused by a man or men might get sympathy from the people around her, but after a while she will start being persuaded, gently or less gently, that she needs to allow men in her life again. If she decides she doesn't want a relationship with a man, people will insist that there is something wrong with her, that she is not fully recovered, that she needs to work on making herself available to men before she can be percieved as normal...

Or, as my mother put it
"rebuild my life."

I fully support what you say there SGB and I am happy being single, but I don't want the only long term relationship in my life to be an abusive one.

I want MY happy ending, to love someone who is worth loving and to feel real love back.

I know single is fine, but it would be nice to have a good man by my side and for that good man to have a good woman (me ) by his

Is being single nice though or is it just that we are convincing ourselves that it is better than an abusive relationship? If you have a decent, loving relationship (not that I have ever had one) then perhaps that is better?

What I'd like from a relationship is somebody who could give me a hug every now and then, wouldn't tell me I am rubbish and would occasionally say "I'll cook dinner tonight" or offer a cup of tea. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe I'll go back out and get the car washed - there is a chap there who is gorgeous my car has been washed every fortnight since he started working there

I want MY happy ending, to love someone who is worth loving and to feel real love back.

I really hope you get that happy ending. I know I won't because I have been abused in every relationship I have had so there is something about me that causes these things to happen.

I think a long and happy relationship with yourself is a happy ending.

Few people would be happy with the hermit life long-term but it's really not unusual to choose a high level of solitude for some considerable time while re-structuring one's self, beliefs and plans. It even forms the basis of most religions! But, even coming out of that, a paired relationship isn't necessarily right for everyone or, at least, the right partner might never materialise. I'm certainly not alone in feeling that pressures to pair up cause a lot of damaging & unhealthy relationships; it takes serious confidence to shrug off all those pressures.

But it's normal to flourish with social contact, emotional & physical intimacy, and sexual connections. It's often difficult to allow the necessary vulnerability for this, and I think people in recovery are right to benchmark it. The difficulty comes with resisting the social patterning that says the next step will be pairing up with any 'not too bad' partner ... 'Not too bad' probably is okay for most emotionally balanced couples, tbh, for whom love automatically includes like, respect, compassion and support. For some of us me the prospect of filtering out all the 'not good enough's is just too exhausting. I've had a couple of experimental relationships: while I'm glad I did, they felt too much like hard work.

When nosy people ask, I tell them I don't trust my own judgement

Single is fine, but "fine" is a little joyless at times.

My ds had an accident last year, dealing with this and my fucked up narc family was hideous alone, not having someone to hold me and tell me it was ok to cry and that Itd be ok in the end (that wasn't a nurse) was hard.

Ok I got through it, alone, but being able to lean on A N Other would have been helpful.

I met someone I thought was a male version of me, and it really helped to love him, knowing that what I loved about him were qualities I had too.

Sadly he didn't love himself enough to trust himself to fall in love, and (I think) panicked and ended it. Badly.

So I'm picking up the pieces again, but know what I'm aiming for. To love myself and to love another.

I'm not going to give up on finding my contentment and peace. I hope there will be someone there to hold hands with, it's nice to journey well accompanied.

is it just that we are convincing ourselves that it is better than an abusive relationship? If you have a decent, loving relationship (not that I have ever had one) then perhaps that is better?

Being alone is definitely better than in an abusive relationship.
A decent, loving relationship is likely to be better, but I'm sure it's joyless at times in the same way that being alone is too.