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Original poster

Is this acceptable to other wives??

143 replies

Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 14:11

I'm going to be brief here. DH has a tendency to go out for " a couple" and end up staying out til all hours. He did it again last night. He went for a couple at 4.30pm and didn't get home until 1.30am.

These are never pre-planned nights out. I always get told last minute. I then rarely hear from him. So I don't know where he is, who he is with, or when he will be home. So sometimes I will be expecting him home at a certain time and he just doesn't show up.

We have a toddler and I am pregnant with our 2nd child.

Am I being unreasonable to object to this like he says?

I don't have a problem with him going out per se, but I do think in his situation that he owes me some accountability as to when he will be back. I also think if he says he will be back at a certain time then he should be, or at the very least let me know he is staying out?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/04/2015 14:13

Well I'd be very pissed off if dh went out boozing at 4.30 then didn't roll in until 1.30?

Apart from you being left alone with the dc's all afternoon and night how does he manage to get up for work in the morning?

strawberryshoes · 01/04/2015 14:15

That's just rude. Fine, go out and have fun, but be contactable and honest about where you are, who you are with and when you will be home (even if that's just I don't know, late)

It's basic respect to your partner to do those things.

prepperpig · 01/04/2015 14:15

Haha, DH would never get away with it.

He will occasionally have a drink with colleagues after work but would always be back at a reasonable time (around 8-9) and would always let me know where he was.

cailindana · 01/04/2015 14:15

Not acceptable to me, no. He is assuming he can just leave you to dk the childcare without letting you know what's going on. Extremely disrespectful.

Greenstone · 01/04/2015 14:15

Nope.

operaha · 01/04/2015 14:16

No it isn'tSad

I put up with someone like this for nearly five years. when I look back (it's been two years since we split this weekend so am very pensive right now) I'm so sad at all the time I wasted waiting for him to change.
He promised he would but it wasn't until I left him he tried. Too late for me.
I used all the excuses about how he was great when he wasn't drinking but that's all they were, excuses, he wasn't great at all.
Be honest with yourself about how he is in the rest of your relationship, I wish I had done so years ago. I resented him and the pub so much by Easter two years ago, it wasn't hard to walk away. sorry to be so negative, your story sounds so much like mine.

pissedglitter · 01/04/2015 14:16

No, not acceptable at all

BertieBotts · 01/04/2015 14:17

No it's not acceptable. He needs to communicate. He is not a young single bloke any more! What happens when DC get older and ask where he is?

I bet he doesn't get up the next morning, either, does he? Which is just selfish in the extreme. Fine occasionally, pre planned, agreed to. Not all the time.

Original poster
Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 14:18

Thanks fro the responses.

According to him I'm being dramatic. He likes to do things "off the cuff" to blow off steam.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 14:20

He gets up because I go into him shrieking and shouting.
But he makes an excuse to work so he doesnt have to go in first thing. He makes up a meeting or says he is working from home.

Meanwhile, I, who has been up all night angry and frustrated has to go in as normal.

OP posts:
whitecandles · 01/04/2015 14:22

A guy I used to work with is like this. Cannot understand it at all and his wife is at her wit's end.

I wouldn't cope with it at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2015 14:22

His behaviour is not acceptable. There's a lack of basic respect here for a start.

I was also going to ask how he is in the rest of this relationship towards you. What are you getting out of this relationship with him now in terms of him meeting your own needs?.

Has he become increasingly reliant on alcohol over time?. I have a nasty feeling that he is prioritising alcohol over and above, I hope I am wrong.

operaha · 01/04/2015 14:23

how often is this happening? move was 4+ times a week. more if he could persuade me to go for "a" drink too. I'd always drive home/walk after a couple - couldn't see the appeal myself, local minging pub, just chatting to drunks regulars. Not my Brew

BigBottomedBertha · 01/04/2015 14:23

Stop parenting him. Sooner or later work will understand what he is doing if they haven't already.
Don't wake him up.

His behaviour is unreasonable. Who is he out with till that time of the morning anyway? Are his mates single?

Does he have a drink problem?

operaha · 01/04/2015 14:23

*mine

MelonBallersAreStrange · 01/04/2015 14:25

He has no respect for you.

Why be up all night angry and frustrated? That's daft.

You can't do anything about his behaviour. All you can do is deal with your own.

It is simple really: live with it or don't live with it, i.e. decide you don't care and just go to bed as normal or LTB.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2015 14:25

He has a fine line in excuses but they are just that and they are poor excuses at that too.

Re this comment:-
"But he makes an excuse to work so he doesnt have to go in first thing. He makes up a meeting or says he is working from home"

That is very worrying, I sincerely hope you never will get sucked into covering for him. He may well be prioritising alcohol over you and everything else.

CurlyWurlyCake · 01/04/2015 14:26

How often is it happening? He wouldn't get away with it in this house.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2015 14:27

re his behaviour with alcohol as well:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Wolfiefan · 01/04/2015 14:28

Not acceptable. How much is he drinking? How often?

Fairenuff · 01/04/2015 14:30

Not, not acceptable. I wouldn't be having children with a man like this.

MrsGPie01252 · 01/04/2015 14:31

I'd want to know where he bloody is for a start... And who with!

Damnautocorrect · 01/04/2015 14:31

Mine did this for the first time on Sunday 'I won't be late' he said as he went out at 11, came back at 12.30am.
I was livid, I've not addressed it. I suppose as it was a one off. I wasn't sure if I was just being grumpy as I never go out.

Sorry, back to you!
Given that your pregnant he needs to be contactable, I don't think its acceptable to just assume it's ok to be hung over the next day either.

toffeeboffin · 01/04/2015 14:32

YANBU. It's not acceptable.

Iflyaway · 01/04/2015 14:32

Very selfish behaviour.

What if there was an emergency (say, you going into labour) and you can't contact him?

I agree with PP to just let him deal with his own mornings, don't wake him.