Is this acceptable to other wives??

[Confusedhousehunter]

I'm going to be brief here. DH has a tendency to go out for " a couple" and end up staying out til all hours. He did it again last night. He went for a couple at 4.30pm and didn't get home until 1.30am.

These are never pre-planned nights out. I always get told last minute. I then rarely hear from him. So I don't know where he is, who he is with, or when he will be home. So sometimes I will be expecting him home at a certain time and he just doesn't show up.

We have a toddler and I am pregnant with our 2nd child.

Am I being unreasonable to object to this like he says?

I don't have a problem with him going out per se, but I do think in his situation that he owes me some accountability as to when he will be back. I also think if he says he will be back at a certain time then he should be, or at the very least let me know he is staying out?

Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting? It would probably help you to have the opportunity to speak to other partners/family members of problem drinkers.

Someone doesn't have to be drinking a bottle of whiskey on their own every day to have an alcohol addiction.

If he is still at the denial about having a problem stage then there is nothing you can do.

You have 2 choices. Stay and have your DCs grow up watching this behaviour continue and probably become more frequent. This will have a negative effect on them.

Your only other option is to leave.

The 'option' of staying and trying to fix him isn't on the table now so try to let go of that, as hard as that is.

Some practical considerations:
I wouldn't recommend having sex with him without a condom. You really don't know what he's been doing.
Sort your finances so have your own money he doesn't have access to. Stop using/close any joint accounts. This habit must be costing quite a bit?
Has he ever been aggressive when drunk? There are already red flags there for potential future abuse and pregnancy and trying to leave are both dangerous flash points where abuse often starts/escalates. Prioritise your safety.

I think you already know the answer to this. I hope you listen to what your head is telling you, for your sake and for your children's sake.

No this kind of behaviour is not acceptable not is it the norm.

No I would find this acceptable. It's inconsiderate and selfish. He needs to grow up.

Sorry I WOULDNT find this acceptable..

"He is only treating you like this because you are letting him - it really is that simple." No this is something he is doing to her. It is not her fault he is behaving like an arse. He is choosing to do this and not choosing not to show respect.

tbh he sounds like an alcoholic and therefore not somebody to have an adult relationship with, speaking from bitter experience.

It doesn't matter what others find acceptable in their marriage/relationship. if YOU don't like it, don't put up with it.

When dh tells me he is off for a pint or two, I know it will mean a good sessions with the guys at the pub, so I don't expect him to see him before close of doors. BUT as I said, that is my life, and you have different boundaries. Just because this is OK for me, it doesn't mean you have find it ok!

Another who had an ex like this.

I totally understand your fury at him getting a lie in. It just tots up the hours he's been unavailable.

For me, this selfish behaviour was the top of a very large iceberg of selfish behaviour but was also the one that made me start looking at him in more depth. And lo and behold, he was a twat in almost every way, I just hadn't seen it.

When I asked him why he couldn't even call he'd say "ahhh Id rather just have the bollocking when I get home. Didn't want to ruin my night"

Once a month is way too often for me. I had an ex who was like this. Note the "ex". He was an alcoholic, though he would never face up to it. I walked away when I realised I couldn't change him.

It is rare & he doesn't do it during the week, as cannot afford time off work with a hangover, he also doesn't sleep it off, he gets up before I do

"He is only treating you like this because you are letting him - it really is that simple."

No this is something he is doing to her. It is not her fault he is behaving like an arse. He is choosing to do this and not choosing not to show respect.

And OP is choosing to accept that behaviour scallops which is what the poster you quoted meant. She cannot control his actions, only her own.

She has two choices 1) accept it or 2) leave. As long as she stays with him she is accepting it. It sounds harsh but OP needs to take personal responsibility for her own sake and for her children.

There is nothing that OP has said about his behaviour that indicates he wants to change. Therefore he won't change.

Ironically, leaving him might actually be the catalyst to change but staying with him certainly won't be, it will just enable him to continue as he is.

No she isn't choosing to accept it. She is trying to get him to see her point of view, treat her like a human being, treat her with respect.

I grant, what she is doing to address the situation isn't working. I agree he is unlikely to change as he feels entitled to behave like that. So ultimately the choices are as you state.

This is happening because of his behaviour, not hers. Deflecting that on to her is not putting the blame where it is deserved.

What he is doing is because of his behaviour.

What she is doing is because of hers.

That is not blame, it is just the facts.

OP seems to be under the impression that she can make him do something different. She can't.

So she needs to take the focus off him and onto her.

Why does she allow this to happen again and again. Why is there no consequence? Why does she not do something to change it?

I wouldn't want to try to control how another adult behaves so I wouldn't tell him he could not go out. But I wouldn't be at all interested in being married to or having a relationship with someone who was like this.

I think it's fine if you don't have kids, in fact I think some of the responses have been a bit OTT - why does it matter where he is or who he is with? But it's just not on to leave all the parenting to you at all.

Would you contact him at 4pm, tell him you're off out, so get home now, but not tell him where or for how long? (I would suggest just going out, but you already have the kids to consider)

No, of course, you wouldn't because you have grown up responsibilities and you like to show a bit of respect.

He's taking the piss.

why does it matter where he is or who he is with?

Well, staying out until the early wee hours, he's not gone to the local for a swift half, has he? I can think of a lot of places he could be or things that he could be doing that I would have a serious problem with and, given his lack of openness and consideration, I'm not sure I would believe this particular guy even if he told me he was out for a curry with Dave and the lads because, for all I know, said curry could simply be a prelude to going out on the pull or Dave is actually another woman. He has a young family. Why the hell does he feel the need to be so secretive and so defensive when pulled up on his irresponsibility.

OP, I'm sure you have some vacuuming or hedge cutting that needs urgent attention in the morning when he's sleeping off one of his impromptu nights out.

It is blame Fairenuff. She has done nothing wrong. How dare she expect him to be back when he said he would be? How dare we expect respect from our partners? How dare we expect them to take notice of what we say when we ask them not to do something we don't like? That is all she is expecting and that really isn't unreasonable. It is certainly not "treating you like this because you are letting him". A reasonable person would react to what she's said to him and not repeat. He is not reasonable. I think the OP is beginning to realise that now.

But ultimately he is not treating her like this because of what she does. He is treating her badly because of his attitudes and behaviours.

And you've just said she can't change his behaviour and then asked why is she allowing it to happen and why she isn't doing anything to change it . She isn't 'allowing' it. He is doing it regardless. Saying she is allowing it is victim blaming.

I wouldn't put up with it!

He's sounds like a knobhead to me.

Does he help with the housework? Cooking? Cleaning?

What about helping with the toddler? Bathtime? Mealtimes? Playtime etc?

What would he do if the toddler had say, a vomit incident in bed? Would he get out of bed at midnight to help you clear it all up?

Who goes out drinking on a Tuesday afternoon? I can see why this is troubling you OP.

He is royally pushing his luck. People drink to loosen up and some go that bit further to have the excuse of doing something under the influence they wouldn't ordinarily risk. He may just be out for a good time but surely he can ring you at least once out of consideration not go AWOL.

I will watch this thread with interest - my DH does the same, usually a planned night out once a month of so. Can't go for a few beers without it turning into a full on session, comes back at 4,5,6am... Or whatever time the next day. I've obviously known this for some time but only recently has it clicked that he has a drinking problem (after an unusual mid-week session caused issues at work). And it is one of the many straws that may be about to break the back of our marriage. Don't want to hijack this thread so need to pluck up the courage to post full story separately, but am being to feel like I've been a doormat for putting up with this since having DC. Need help.

Thanks for the responses. It's been great to know that I'm not being unreasonable or controlling.

He doesn't help around the house as much as I would like but he does do some things. Like a lot of men he needs directing as it wouldn't occur to him to change bed sheets etc, but he will always do the bins, cut the grass, clean the car.. Stuff I would never do. He does a lot with our toddler. He gets him ready most mornings and does bedtime most evenings. He would definitely get up in the night.
This issue is our only real problem which is why it's been hard to face up to. He has improved since we had our toddler but has slipped back again since November last year.
Not making excuses for him but I think he does know he is in the wrong and acts like its no big deal because he is ashamed. He doesn't do it out of malice but because he loses control around alcohol. Deep down he knows there is a problem but can't admit it to himself. He says he will change but as I said to him if our child being born wasn't enough to make him want to change then I can't see he ever will.

And you've just said she can't change his behaviour and then asked why is she allowing it to happen and why she isn't doing anything to change it

Yes, change the situation that she is in. Not change his behaviour.

How dare she expect him to be back when he said he would be? How dare we expect respect from our partners? How dare we expect them to take notice of what we say when we ask them not to do something we don't like? That is all she is expecting and that really isn't unreasonable.

Her words say that she expects to be treated better but her actions don't. And actions speak louder than words. OP can stay with this man if she wants and keep complaining about him. Or she can change the situation and get a different result.

She has to take responsibility for her responses to his behaviour. That is not victim blaming, it is actually more helpful than patting her on the head and say 'poor love, it's not your fault'. That changes nothing.