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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this acceptable to other wives??

143 replies

Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 14:11

I'm going to be brief here. DH has a tendency to go out for " a couple" and end up staying out til all hours. He did it again last night. He went for a couple at 4.30pm and didn't get home until 1.30am.

These are never pre-planned nights out. I always get told last minute. I then rarely hear from him. So I don't know where he is, who he is with, or when he will be home. So sometimes I will be expecting him home at a certain time and he just doesn't show up.

We have a toddler and I am pregnant with our 2nd child.

Am I being unreasonable to object to this like he says?

I don't have a problem with him going out per se, but I do think in his situation that he owes me some accountability as to when he will be back. I also think if he says he will be back at a certain time then he should be, or at the very least let me know he is staying out?

OP posts:
BigBottomedBertha · 01/04/2015 15:52

If there is an alcohol problem in the family then the odds are he has one too- or will.

Maybe you could contact AA because they support relatives like you- and one thing they advise is not to get involved in the actual problem.

I can't help wondering what kind of work he does which means he can phone in or whatever the day before to say he has a 'meeting' yet not have to account for the outcome of that meeting- maybe he's in sales or something?

I suspect his colleagues have a good idea of what he is doing. They usually do.

Original poster
Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 15:53

Yes, just for our toddler really. It's very early days for the 2nd baby.

I'm now being told over email to "get out of his arse and that it's got nothing to do with me, or respect for me".

He really cannot see he is in the wrong. Apparently he doesn't hassle me when I go out. Maybe because I don't pull these kind of stunts.

OP posts:
GlovePoppet · 01/04/2015 15:57

My stbxh was also like this, would regularly stay out way beyond when he told me he'd be home without even a courtesy text to let me know. I would be unable to sleep due the rage of being so disrespected.

He sounds very similar to your DP, he would also tell me that all men did it (it's true that many of my friend's DPs behaved in the same way) and I was unjustified in my upset. He would also tell me during his fleeting reasonable phases that his mindset on these nights out was that he'd get in trouble for being late so he might as well get slaughtered for a sheep as a lamb. Twelve years I put up with this and his other crap. The bottom line through all his behaviour was just that he had zero respect for me. I was there to serve and please him and he could do as he wished.

I don't know what to advise op, save to say that I really feel for you because I've been there myself. In my experience nothing I could have or did do would change his attitude towards me.

blowinahoolie · 01/04/2015 15:59

I would not tolerate this behaviour.

MyCatIsAGit · 01/04/2015 16:00

He's an overgrown boy. If you wandered off without telling him or stayed out how would he cope?

It sounds boring as hell for you, shows a complete lack of respect and really, why would you bother with him? Apart from the 2 kids of course.

My husband does this once in a blue moon, and he'd always stay in touch. I do it to him, again once in a blue moon, and always stay in touch. And we also go out together as a couple and have a laugh.

Bigbadgeorge · 01/04/2015 16:04

Also pregnant with toddler and a dh that goes out for a couple then stays out all night! Drives me insane. Fortunately doesn't happen too often and after many many rows about it I think it's starting to sink in that it's not on.
Though I'm not glad that he is doing this to you I am glad it's not just me. I also wasn't sure if I was over reacting.
Tell him off til he gets it!!

Original poster
Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 16:07

He will never get it. This has been going on for years.

OP posts:
Joyfulleastersquad · 01/04/2015 16:12

He is only treating you like this because you are letting him - it really is that simple.

The consequences of him having his little jolly are not that bad and he can Probally take a bit of your nagging. He is probably thinking your a kill joy and trying to suffocate him. Sad

So what are you going to do to change the situation? Or are you just going to STFU and carry on as normal while the tiny bit of respect he may have for you slips out the window.

newstart15 · 01/04/2015 16:14

I don't think you will be able to convince him it's 'wrong' but you are perfectly entitled to not like the behaviour. He is making you unhappy and you find his behaviour distressing however he doesn't care as drinking is more important to him.

I'm sure he doesn't 'hassle' you when you go out because you are responsible and come back when you say you will.

How old is he? I had a colleague like this - as he approached 40 his life style caught up with him and rather than a fun guy he seemed like a sad loser. He was good at his job but didn't go as far as he should due to his drinking reputation. He was also unfaithful to his wife and just seemed to never grow up. We all felt very sorry for his wife.

BathtimeFunkster · 01/04/2015 16:14

He likes to do things "off the cuff" to blow off steam.

Well then he shouldn't have had children.

Sharing a 24/7/365 responsibility with another human means saying goodbye to spontaneous benders for a few years.

Well, it does if you're any kind of parent.

Don't bring another child into a home like this. Your children deserve better. And so do you.

Joysmum · 01/04/2015 16:20

For me I wouldn't be bothered by once a month big nights out. I suspect that's what your DH might think you're angry about.

However, I'd want notice and if I'm told its for a couple of drinks and he rocked in at 4:30 without contact, I'd go fucking apeshit!

This isn't about freedoms to do out for a laugh, but it would be about having no appreciation or respect for my feelings if it happened to me. That's something I won't tolerate.

elsabelle · 01/04/2015 16:27

My exP did this a lot. It turned into a big issue between us and he ended up cheating on me on one of these casual "nights out". I wouldnt accept it again. Yanbu at all to be upset.

chickensaresafehere · 01/04/2015 16:28

Not acceptable & completely disrespectful!

ineedabodytransplant · 01/04/2015 16:35

'He thinks his behaviour is normal and "all men do it".'

Well, I'm a man and it's not something I do. It's not something my male friends do either. Now my youngest daughters friends do this but then they haven't really grown up yet. It's more of a childish thing as far as I'm concerned. Not something that appealed to me to go out and get drunk on a work night. Not fun the next day. Lie in or not it's a waste.

When our girls were growing up I never got drunk, I came from a family of pissheads and didn't want them to go through the same.

Also, I work with someone who gets blotto every time he goes for a drink. Doesn't matter where. Conference, team meeting,training course, quick one after work, etc. Every.single.time. He comes up with fictitious meetings as well.

He rolls in late and even then we can all see the state he's in. We know he's not pulling his weight and now management are finally realising it as well which is a result. Nobody likes working with a lush.

Your OH may stop drinking sooner than he plans if he gets the boot.
Really sorry you're going through thid OP. I wish I could provide a magic resltion but I can't.

ineedabodytransplant · 01/04/2015 16:36

this not thid
resolution not resltion

fat fingers

HubertCumberdale · 01/04/2015 16:48

Not all men do it. My DP doesn't do it. If he nips out for one after work, I get a text with an ETA and an 'of course if you don't mind' sort of ending. He's always back when he says he will be. This is normal, this is respectful, and this is exactly how I communicate if I'm staying behind at work for any reason.

If I were you I would put my foot down. He won't just stop overnight without a kick up his bum.

MrsKCastle · 01/04/2015 16:48

No, not all men do it. And as Joysmum said, it's not about him having time off- it's about not keeping in touch and just assuming that you will look after the toddler. He obviously sees your DC as your responsibility, not his. He's being very disrespectful.

Fairenuff · 01/04/2015 16:56

He has not matured into the expected DF role yet. In fact it probably frightens him, although he wont admit it. He is using the pub as an "out" from his responsibilities. A kind of relief valve.

Sit him down and explain what you expect from him (calmly and rationally), now he has the responsibilities of a DF to a toddler and a new child on its way. I know nobody sat you down and explained, but it seems your DH needs to have it spelt out to him.

What?! Shock

Not matured into the role yet? He already has a child and has made the decision to father another. This is not about explaining how to be a human to him. He knows he is an arse.

OP you have two choices. Put up with it or leave. It really is that simple. You cannot change him. It's not possible.

SouthernComforts · 01/04/2015 17:13

There was a group of guys in my pub on Sunday, drinking all day, loud, egging each other on and mocking those who said they were going home or ringing there girlfriends. The difference there was they were all 18-20 with no commitments.

I love a drink don't get me wrong but only a selfish prick would act like your dp. Most grown ups would have a few then say they are going home to their family.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2015 17:16

Confusedhousehunter,

re your comment:-
"He will never get it. This has been going on for years"

You have your answer really; the drink is more important than you people.

You do not have to be a part of it for the next x number of years either. Did you marry him in the hopes that he would change?. People fundamentally do not change unless they want to and your DH does not want to I would argue.

You have a choice re him, your children do not.

Vivacia · 01/04/2015 19:36

He really cannot see he is in the wrong.

Of course he can, he just doesn't give a shit. He's acting like a single, child-free person, treat him like one. Leave a sleeping bag on the doorstep and lock him out.

MrsEvadneCake · 01/04/2015 19:40

It isn't acceptable. If it's been going on years though it's not going to change. If he wanted it to them he would have. There was a history of alcohol abuse in my DHs family. He changed his drinking habits when the DC came along and knows his limits. I think you need to decide if you can put up with this and if not what you are going to choose to do.

SylvaniansAtEase · 01/04/2015 22:39

It's killed your feelings for him.

He'll never stop it, he doesn't even think it's wrong.

You'll have a shit life if you stay...

...which means your kids will have a shit childhood. FGS don't stay for them. Especially not when they won't even remember you together if you leave now.

You have ONE LIFE.

LEAVE HIM.

Undecided90 · 02/04/2015 07:21

Dh used to do this. Looking back he had been in this pattern of behaviour prior to us meeting so it was our normal. The problem arose when we had DD 10 years ago. I just couldn't accept I get left holding the baby whilst he got drunk and 9/10 times his phone 'had a flat battery' or no reception . Hmm

There were several occassions where he came home at 1 or 2 AM. It was awful. The turning point was him being totally non contactbale. I was frantic. At 4 in the morning the bell rang and I was certain it was the police . It was him, he had been mugged and had his keys, phone and wallet taken. I went mad.

We have got through it. It was a Mox of growing up, the children getting older and asking him why he was out and me getting upset .

He had a relasps recently and I knew I couldn't go back to those times. I knew deep down that of that wee to happen o would leave.

In hindsight I don't know how I put up with it. I guess it wasn't a deal breaker for me . although it was very upsetting. He was otherwise a good partner. If I were you I would wait for a quiet moment and throw it back to him, how would he feel if you were doing it? Then you need to decide if its a deal breaker or not. I understand why people are saying LTB but life's not that simple .

DeckSwabber · 02/04/2015 08:07

He really cannot see he is in the wrong. Apparently he doesn't hassle me when I go out.

It's because he uses the odd time you go out to justify his own behaviour. He'd soon get pissed off if you went out in the afternoon, came back pissed at 1.30 and jeopardised your job

Sorry but my ex- did this as well and its incredibly draining. He felt entitled to a drink with his mates/colleagues when the opportunity arose and then once the booze was flowing would stay out indefinitely.

It was his parallel universe - one with someone else at home to look after the children, a bottomless current account to pay for endless rounds, and sparkling mates who made him feel like a fantastic bloke. Next day it would be grumpiness and resentment all round. No way to live.