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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this acceptable to other wives??

143 replies

Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 14:11

I'm going to be brief here. DH has a tendency to go out for " a couple" and end up staying out til all hours. He did it again last night. He went for a couple at 4.30pm and didn't get home until 1.30am.

These are never pre-planned nights out. I always get told last minute. I then rarely hear from him. So I don't know where he is, who he is with, or when he will be home. So sometimes I will be expecting him home at a certain time and he just doesn't show up.

We have a toddler and I am pregnant with our 2nd child.

Am I being unreasonable to object to this like he says?

I don't have a problem with him going out per se, but I do think in his situation that he owes me some accountability as to when he will be back. I also think if he says he will be back at a certain time then he should be, or at the very least let me know he is staying out?

OP posts:

yumyumpoppycat · 01/04/2015 14:33

I think either he comes home sees you and the kids have a meal together then goes out, or he comes back at a reasonable time and spends the evening with you. 8 hours is not reasonable!

goshhhhhh · 01/04/2015 14:33

He is pretending he is single

shovetheholly · 01/04/2015 14:35

No, absolutely would not be acceptable in our house, and we don't have children! It's even more unfair if you do!

DH sometimes goes out for a couple after work, but that means a couple and he's back by 8pm or so. It's a rare occasion - maybe 3 or 4 times a year that he's out til late, and then it's always agreed in advance. We do a fair bit of drinking into the wee small hours, but we do it together.

I am not remotely saying your DP is having any kind of affair with anything other than the pint glass, but I have seen too many marriages fail because one partner was out a lot, and temptation just came into the picture one too many times.

noodle8000 · 01/04/2015 14:36

Not acceptable to us- we rarely do anything without each other even now that we're parents.

Lucked · 01/04/2015 14:36

No I wouldn't be happy but my DH hasn't really ever behaved like this, I suppose at uni we both may have had days like this but now he is more conscientious than me. Not sure how you make someone like this care about their responsibilities, although I can be petty so I would probably pop out for some shopping on Saturday and then text that I was having an off the cuff day. I am thinking hair, nails, dinner with a friend and then cinema.

Eigg · 01/04/2015 14:40

Not acceptable to either of us. I don't know any men who behave like this.

pocketsaviour · 01/04/2015 14:42

How often does this happen, OP? If it's like once a year then I'd probably turn a blind eye. If it's once a month, that wouldn't be acceptable to me.

Original poster

Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 14:42

It's become as often as once a month.

OP posts:

bonzo77 · 01/04/2015 14:42

No No no. My ex did this all the fucking time. Lost jobs over it. 7 years I put up with it. thank fuck we never had kids. You're not with a 40 year old bloke from Birmingham? Half Irish catholic? Child with an ex he has no contact with?

DH would never dream of it. Wouldn't want to do it.

This is a drinking problem. It might not be every day. But it's problem drinking and there's nothing you can do about it. Only when he recognises it and wants to sort it might it stop.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 01/04/2015 14:42

Not acceptable behaviour by either me or DH in this house.

He is treating you with a total lack of respect and doesn't see himself as responsible for his own child. He's an overgrown teenager.

Original poster

Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 14:44

I am not waking him up to help him get to work on time. I am waking him up because I don't see why he should be able to lie in and sleep off his hangover while I have to get up and go into work.
He doesn't get up and toddle off into work on time. He lies in bed feeling sorry for himself. But I feel better that he is awake and not sleeping peacefully while I tear myself up inside.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2015 14:47

"I am waking him up because I don't see why he should be able to lie in and sleep off his hangover while I have to get up and go into work".

But by doing that you're enabling him and are also shielding him from the consequences of his actions. I would leave him to it and do nothing to wake him at all.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 01/04/2015 14:48

Nine hours drinking on a big standard mid week night? He's having a laugh.

I actively encourage my husband to have a night out here and there - he does the same with me (we don't have much in the way of babysitters so rarely go out together) and I know how easy it is when you are out to get into the swing of it and just have "one more" so I'm really not a "never leave my side, submit your freedom" type but your man is taking the p!

Common courtesy, particularly when you have children and therefore depend on each other would ensure he didn't do this.

Original poster

Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 14:49

There are no consequences. He has already prepared by telling his work that he has a meeting or whatever. He does this while still on his night out.

So if I don't wake him he just gets a nice lie in then toddles into work all refreshed.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2015 14:49

You may well find that the frequency of his drinking behaviours will gradually increase over the coming months as well. Not what you need at all particularly when you are pregnant.

You cannot change him but you can change how you react to him and this overall situation.

operaha · 01/04/2015 14:50

people are being very tough without knowing your circumstances, me included. I just wish, so much, I'd had used MN back in the day.
To the letter, the advice I've seen on here re drinkers (and in my case emotional abuse) has been very good.
One day I'm going to write about my relationship, i have long wanted opinion on how bad it was and your post has brought up some yuk feelings - please follow your gut x

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 01/04/2015 14:50

my ex was like this...

Note he's an ex!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2015 14:54

"There are no consequences. He has already prepared by telling his work that he has a meeting or whatever. He does this while still on his night out".

So if I don't wake him he just gets a nice lie in then toddles into work all refreshed.

You still should not wake him up. He may still have alcohol in his system from the night before so he may not be completely sober either when he does go into work. He's functioning, well for now at least.

There will be consequences, this sort of behaviour catches up with people in the end. It would not altogether surprise me if his employers are slowly but surely beginning to keep a watchful eye on your H. Someone is going to notice a pattern of behaviour.

Original poster

Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 14:55

My gut tells me to get rid of him. Not so easy with 2 kids though.

He thinks he has done nothing wrong at all and that I'm unjustifiably angry. He was just taking "time for himself".

I never know who he is with but some of the people he says he is with do have wives. One of them text him once to laugh at the look on his wives face when he rolled in at 4am the night before. So they are clearly juvenile pricks.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2015 14:58

I would listen to your gut. Leaving with two children is not totally insurmountable. It will be difficult but if he is a habitual drunkard this is not the sort of father figure they need around them. He will simply drag you and your children down with him.

At the very least find out more what your options are by seeking legal advice. Its not something you have to act on straight away but after all knowledge is power.

DrMorbius · 01/04/2015 15:01

Confusedhousehunter - hold on, I had several friends like this. He has not matured into the expected DF role yet. In fact it probably frightens him, although he wont admit it. He is using the pub as an "out" from his responsibilities. A kind of relief valve.

Sit him down and explain what you expect from him (calmly and rationally), now he has the responsibilities of a DF to a toddler and a new child on its way. I know nobody sat you down and explained, but it seems your DH needs to have it spelt out to him.

xxthedutchessxx · 01/04/2015 15:01

REALLY struggling with this at the moment. In exactly the same situation and am going to have two under 2 come July, and he'll be doing it more once the weather is better :( It's gotten to the point where our son won't have Daddy put him to bed because it's confusing and he never does it! Would love to know how you guys deal! :(

Original poster

Confusedhousehunter · 01/04/2015 15:05

Sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation.

I have explained to him a million times. He just doesn't care. He comes from a family of people with alcohol problems, and clearly has one himself. He thinks his behaviour is normal and "all men do it".

It's totally killed my feelings for him.

OP posts:

Pantone363 · 01/04/2015 15:08

It takes two seconds to text and say your plans have changed. It's not asking permission it's called consideration for another person.

BertieBotts · 01/04/2015 15:16

Wow, his friend sounds horrible. Poor wife :(

OP why are you staying? Just for the kids? If so, don't. Leave for them, rather than staying for them. It does DC no favours IMO.

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